Chubz.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: WI
Posts: 2
S/C/G: 185/181/130
Height: 5'8
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Hey guys. What it is.
Imma cut to the chase. I need perspective, support, advice, and general good-nature'd criticism and honesty. I hope I can find this here! Some history:
I got up to 230 my freshman year of high school. My best friend was probably 160 on her most bloated of bloat-y days, but still wasn't having any of the extra baggage on her frame. Being of the darker variety in style/scene/taste, we had all kind of methods to try and examples set for us that were terrible, dangerous, and shrouded in the most dramatic emotional stress we could find. 'Ana' became our mutual bestie, water took the place of all carbs, sugars, and proteins, and fiber was our after-dinner (water) mint. I bought Dance Dance Revolution for the Playstation 2 and we had our almost daily exercise binges. I ended up at 145. In less than two years. My friend ended up skeletal, but by that time we'd started drifting and I have no idea of her actual weight or anything about her life after. But I remember all the 1AM walks around my neighborhood, the ritual cigarette before school, never entering the cafeteria and spending it in class. The iceberg lettuce + 1 cheese slice + 1 wheat thin burrito I'd eat every other day. And how my pounds melted off. :x
Enter: Graduation + real life + job. u_u
I eventually caved and ate normally again and I can't even tell you when it was. Anorexics say it's such a hard thing, eating normal again. I had a different experience. Which is why I've never really known if I truly had an eating disorder or not, or if I still do. Fat + ED? Uh. Kay. I think I was just super strict. But even when I started to eat, cut down on the workouts, and gained weight, I was obsessive about food. I was snarky to my bigger friends about any bad food choice while I devoured my salads, I counted every calorie, yet would sometimes eat passed a good amount... But then again. I never knew was 'good' was (I never researched anything about metabolism or anything until it was all too late). So ANY calorie made me depressed, but I was eating... Which is what everyone ****ing wanted me to do. "Healthier". So. Eat eat eat. Gain gain gain. And then I had more important things to worry about, so even calories took a backseat. I saved up 5k last year working in a drug store and moved 700miles from my only home to a new state with new friends and my boyfriend! So happy! But so stressful! And now I'm up to 180-185, and I'm terrified, enraged, scared, and obsessed.
But. Here's the thing. I'm really, really, really confused.
I tried to pull Ana out of the locked trunk, but she wouldn't come. I broke down after every fast. I understand that this is a good thing, but it feels more like pure failure. So then I tried eating veggies, no carbs or sugar, and protein! And would feel guilty about a can of tuna. Depression then turned to another day of fasting, which turned into night eating, and that's my biggest problem, I've recently figured out. My schedule for a year had me work at 1pm-10:30pm or somewhere in the bracket, and I'm a natural night-owl, so I'd probably wake up in enough time to leave the house. Then I'm home and starving, or have just starved myself. Which has also murdered my metabolism! Which is AWESOME when I've broken down and ingested fourteen meals in 20 minutes at 2AM, an hour before bed. DDx So now I feel stuck. If I eat, I feel like my body is just hoarding it all in. So then I try to eat less, and it turns into starvation. All of this accumulates into me feeling like utter shite and then having 0 self esteem to go and leave my house to exercise, so I loaf around and my social life is just DYING which is ridiculous because I MOVED to be nearer these friends and this wonderful city. And now I'm hiding from it. ._.
I used to feel so good about my weight loss, minus the excess skin of extreme weight loss, but. Now? I don't know how to feel. Stuck in the ebb and flow of a weird tide of eating healthy vs just not eating. And then shoving whatever I can into my mouth at 4AM when I'm half awake. And gaining all the while.
Is there anyone else out there with these problems? I know, it's just laziness when you get down to it, but some of these issues are rooted so deeply into me, it feels impossible to stick with anything! Sorry about all the words, I'm almost sleep-typing. D:
Anyway. Hi! x_x
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