thank you...I think
Hello everyone
I'm a newbie here as of this morning.
Can anyone relate to the trauma of just dressing your large self for a wedding and getting there on time? You're seeing people you may not have seen since the last wedding or funeral, feeling self conscious, and I for one, was just wishing I didn't look pregnant -at 50… Ok, so I walk into the reception area after baking in the hot sun for almost two hours in something dark and (hopefully) concealing (not really), and this very dear long time friend comes up to me and says, "Oh I brought some clothes for you! This friend of mine gave me these really nice clothes but they're BIG -I thought you'd like them". Now, I know this may sound like a really mean and catty thing to say to someone, but you'd have to know this person to know that she didn't mean anything hurtful and she's just one of those extremely open and somewhat naive people who just doesn't have…um… certain social filters. I know her intentions were not evil but… OUCH!! Did the other two women standing with us (also old friends) gasp? or was it my imagination? And then she realized what she had said and kept trying to say it again some other way and…well it only got worse. I just passed it off with humour and said, "wow thank you… I think!?" Excuse me while I glue myself to the BAR FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. Anyway, I didn't realize until I got home yesterday and found myself crying as I reflected back on that conversation, that it really, reeeeally bothered me. It's not like I didn't know I've gained about 45 lb in the last 10 years, it's not a big secret or anything. And I know that when I see people I haven't seen in a while they probably say… boy, has she ever packed on the pounds. But most people are polite(?) enough to say it behind your back. I've been thinking for some months now that I need to find support. i just can't seem to get a grip and be disciplined enough to make the changes, to exercise regularly or just take a walk once a day even. I know what I need to do- I'm just not doing it. I know what I want- I'm just not making it happen. I quit smoking almost 5 years ago and I credit that accomplishment almost entirely to an online support network. That was the missing link for me after so many many attempts to get and stay quit over 30 years. I think that's kind of where this current weight escalation started unfortunately; the first 3 months of not smoking I put on about 15 pounds and I honestly thought I had topped right out. But I didn't worry too much- I knew the benefits of getting free from cigarettes was worth it and just figured - no problem I'll just have to get rid of this! Joined Curves, walked every morning, really thought I was getting back on track. And then I met my current partner. What happens when we mate? I've noticed a lot of people tend to gain a bit of weight when they get married or move in with someone. Eating real dinners, drinking & socializing more- oh and a knee injury. And not so easy to just drop a few pounds once we get into our 40s I guess. Well the bottom line is that I've loaded on another 30 or so pounds in the last 4 years and I'm starting to wonder just how far I'm going to let this go.
But something else that I've recently realized is that even when I was 135 or 140 lbs, I was not happy with my body!!!! I look back at pictures from 20 years ago and think - oh I'd give anything to be that slim again-- but I remember at the time thinking I was heavy and never feeling quite right in my clothes. I now know that I have not been entirely happy with my body for pretty much all of my adult life and certainly was not in my adolescence. So I think I have some body image issues to work through as well as just turning this weight gain train around. I don't believe I'll be able to get back to and maintain a healthy weight unless I address those underlying issues.
Anyway I'm blabbering on, as I tend to do in forums, so anyone who's still with me here--- thank you for listening!
I welcome any insights, practical tips, accountability ideas and smacks upside the head. I'm a strong and very independent person. Always have been. But right now I have to say- I need help. I don't seem to be doing this very well on my own and… I think I'm actually afraid. yes! Hard as it is to admit, I'm actually afraid of getting any heavier, of not being able to do the things I want to do, of the strain on my heart and other vital organs, of having to keep buying clothes yet another size up and of just feeling any worse about my body than I did at that moment my friend said the word BIG.
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I'm the one in control of it.. hope my story helps you.. good luck!
