I'm Bri, a 19 year old college student, and I have struggled with weight my whole entire life. I was diagnosed with major depression when I was in the 4th grade, and food was a big comfort for me when I could not express my feelings. I mean, I am genetically built bigger, but I easily could not have been as fat as I was. When I graduated high school, I weighed 250 pounds. I was going off to college, and I made it a priority to lose weight. I would have all the exercise equipment at the rec center, I would get to choose the right food options that I did not have at home. Things would be perfect.
But things were not perfect. It was hard adjusting to school, schedule and social wise. After all, nobody wanted to be around the fat, ugly girl. Yeah, fat automatically meant ugly for me. Though I knew it was wrong, society told me otherwise. I didn't listen to my Heart. I listened to the others. I lost weight fall quarter overall just from walking around campus and eating healthy, probably about 15-20 pounds. But I still saw no true difference, besides going from a 22 to a tight-fit 20. But people still treated me like crap. So what was wrong? I guess that meant I had to work harder when I got back from winter break.
Winter break came, and that's when I had two crises in my life: My faith crisis and my disorder crisis. But actually, those two intertwine. I always doubted the existence of the Lord, but it got worse at school where all the smart kids were telling me so much. And to top it all off, I became obsessed with weight. I would constantly be thinking about my weight. Every single, not kidding, every SINGLE movement I made, I thought about my body: How many calories those movements were burning, how dumb my body looked, how fat I was, what I was going to eat. I went to the gym every single night and went on the elliptical machine for an hour and five minutes. If I didn't go to the gym, I purged myself. But soon, I not only did it when I missed exercise days, but also if I felt like I ate "bad" that day. I lowered my food intake to a bowl of rice a day, if I didn't get a bowl of salad. Sometimes I would eat at all. And I still exercised. And purged. I was living in ****. People started to notice a change in me, and I started to get compliments. But they meant nothing to me, because I thought they were all liars. I still saw the same person. I questioned why God wouldn't save me from this ****. I wanted to stop, I wanted to be happy. But the results were making me feel cold and resentful instead of excited and proud. And He didn't care. I happily found my faith however. But the battle with weight was not over. I was down to 210 by the time I was asked by a good friend to seek treatment for my problem I had kept secret to her and many others. I got 3 free sessions with a personal trainer, as well as a session with a nutritionist and a few with a counselor. At school at the rec center, I would do toning exercises now instead of cardio. I just came home for summer break a few weeks ago, and I went from a 22 to a 14/16, and last I had weighed myself, I weighed 190.
Body image is still a struggle for me. I understand that I am beautiful, yet a voice in my head tells me otherwise. I guess the reason I joined was to get support from people who understand. I need all the support I can get. I am afraid I will gain a lot of weight this summer because I don't have as many facilities, and my family doesn't buy healthy food much. We're very low income, so it gets hard to, they say. I am also afraid my eating disorder will creep back in. I also joined for a lot of advice.
My goal size is a 12, goal weight 175. I know I can do it healthily...but it gets hard.
Well, that's my story, and I hope to meet many new friends
Fantastic job...keep going xxxx
This is a great board...very supportive.
