Living with a morbidly obese partner
 

Hello everyone. I saw this forum and am hoping its a good place for a little support. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. My fiance is in a program to have the lap band procedure. I met her two years ago she was 400 lbs. About a year ago the weight loss people asked her to lose 25 lbs (to me, a modest goal) but she hasn't lost a single pound. I cook very healthy meals and keep all healthy foods with lots of fresh fruits and vegetebles in the house. I try to get her to excercise but she pretty much avoids any physical activity (to her physical activity includes getting up off a chair) and it scares me that she can barely walk a single block. She refuses to keep a journal of the foods she's eaten as is suggested by the weight loss center people. She eats huge portions and eats a lot of fast food on the way to and from work (which is out of my control). I'm afraid even if she gets the band she'll hate the life change because she loves food, loves eating and always wants something thats not a good choice. Should she just go on and forget the lap band and keep eating since I believe thats what she really wants to do? She has told me a million times she hates being fat but never does anything about it. If you've ever read any Damon Runyon she reminds me of the woman in the Eating contest in the short story A Piece of Pie who ends of running away with the fat guy who was her mentor for the contest.
Thank you.

I could be wrong--and please forgive me if I am--but I'm smelling a troll here.

People who are engaged to be married don't generally act so judgmental, controlling, and contemptuous of their spouses, for one thing. For another, I don't think reputable surgeons even attempt WLS on someone who's making no effort to change her lifestyle aside from signing up; they provide counseling and do a lot of pre-op work with WLS patients. For a third, you say she "never does anything about it," yet she's clearly gone to a doctor and investigated something as life-changing and serious as WLS; that makes no sense. Finally, anyone who actually lives with a person who's quite large knows that exercise is ROUGH on someone who's carrying that much extra poundage.

YOU try bounding gracefully out of a chair when you're carrying an extra 250-300 pounds above what your bones and muscles were designed to carry. I don't bound so well with just an extra 50 or 60.

Again, if I'm wrong and you're not a troll, you have my apologies. You also have my advice to think long and hard about your relationship, because I sense a WHOLE lot of judgmental attitude and contempt for your fiancee in this post.

Hi Nola and Wasa
Thank you so much for your reply.
Nola I'm not sure what you mean by Troll but it doesn't seem to have a positive context and I assure you I'm not contemptuos (spelling?) but Wasa hit it right on the head that I am frustrated.
I point out choices and portion sizes and bring up times to excercise a little - we're talking here 5 minutes of a slow pace on the treadmill a couple times a week - and I get arguments - I'm wrong about the portion sizes or whatever every single time I mention it and believe me for every time I bring it up there's probably 5 times when I say nothing to avoid the confrontation. I just love her, want her to do well. Not sure if I mentioned it but she's 37. I don't want her to wind up having to travel around on a motorized cart in the grocery store because she's unable to walk 5 or 10 or 20 years from now. I also don't want her to end up dead.
Thank you.

I think this is a problem many of us have struggled with on some level. You didn't mention your health or weight, so I don't know if you have been losing or are health, overweight or what.

But unfortunately, no matter what your plans are regarding your health, you cannot MAKE her do anything. It stinks to hear and is even worse to feel, but if someone is determined to spiral downward and not take care of herself, you cannot force it to happen.

I have a sister who is very much larger than I am. At my height, and two years older than me, she is more than 200 pounds heavier (350+). She's already starting to have trouble getting around, and her feet, ankles and legs are swelling. She's pre-diabetic, has thyroid problems and many other issues related to her weight, food choices and lack of physical activity.

I want SO BADLY for her to change her ways, just like I did, and do something to make herself healthier. But she won't do it. Just like your fiancee, she won't keep a food journal or pay attention to the portions in what she's eating. She won't look at calorie or fat content, and working out is not even a consideration.

As much as I want to force her to do it, I can't. :?:

You can love someone as much as you possibly can, but sometimes that love isn't enough to make that person feel the same way about themselves.

I am sorry that she won't be accountable for her weight. It's certainly not something anyone else can do for her. I hope she has a moment of clarity and realizes what is at stake. I don't know what you can do besides love and encourage her when she does try to do things. It's obvious you love her and I wish the best for you guys.

I know that for me, it's very hard to admit the truth. For example, I'm overweight, yes. I know that. But is it my fault? I found myself blaming my thyroid issues for my weight. Though my thyroid doesn't help the situation, I also had to admit to myself that I needed to change my eating habits to compensate. In order for me to change my eating habits, I had to admit I wasn't eating right.

Those who have responded to your post seem to share my opinion regarding your situation. You can't force someone to do something they don't want. Be supportive and loving if/when she takes a step in the right direction.

Have you tried joining her for exercising? Even if it isn't exercise for you, like just walking outside, walk down a few houses, and walk back. This way you're spending time together, and moving at the same time. I wouldn't even mention anything about dieting or weight or exercise, so that she can see it as a positive experience. Also, as she gets a lot of fast food, I'd take a look at recipes for some low cal, low fat, low carb meals around the forum, and make them for dinner. This way, at least you know one of her meals is healthy.

Other than that, hang in there!

While most people do hate being fat, many feel too uncomfortable with themselves in order to take the steps to getting healthier. The hardest part, I think, is wanting to get healthier. Not just wishing for it, but truly wanting it. Wanting it so much that you'll sort through the clouds of denial and shame, that you'll explore the steps of healthier eating and getting the body to move.

My high weight was 360 pounds, not far off from your fiancée. Exercise was scary. Even thinking about giving up my eating habits was scary. There's so much outright shame attached to being overweight in our society that many people feel too scared and overwhelmed to even try.

I had several things turn me around, including breaking down in a plus size store when I realized they didn't make jeans large enough for me, and more importantly nearly passing out behind the wheel when my job involved driving children to school! I decided I needed to fight for my life. I didn't want to die early, and I didn't want to feel so damn uncomfortable for whatever remained of it.

I swept all of the junk out of the house and started working out at a Y every morning. Back then, I was living with my [now ex] fiancé. He also had a weight problem not far from mine. While I was finally ready to make the changes, he was not. Although I did not try to force him to make the same changes I was, he was uncomfortable with it all and fought me every step of the way. He insisted on continuing to eat fast food, even bringing it home for me when I'd asked him to stop. We'd have horrible arguments whenever I'd say no to treats. He acted like the only reason I was eating better and exercising was to make him feel guilty, which was not the case at all. He'd also accuse me of being a shallow b*tch for caring about my appearance in one moment, then would tell me he'd find me more attractive if I hadn't "let myself go" the next.

He and I eventually broke up, and of course there was much more than health issues involved. I still run across him from time to time, and he still hasn't acted upon any decision to get better. I'm under the impression he's still way too uncomfortable in taking any of those necessary steps to get healthy and continues to feel completely horrible about himself.

I've realized that it was, like in my case, a very personal decision that has to be made. Your fiancé has to find her own motivation; unfortunately you can only guide and (especially) be supportive. Just make it clear that you love her no matter what the size, but that you worry about her health and don't want her to die young. Maybe it will help her to know that she's not alone; perhaps you could share this community with her?

As I said, if I was wrong and you are genuinely concerned about a real person and not with writing fiction, my apologies.

I'm just appalled to think that there are doctors out there who'll carve someone open without any pre-op counseling. WLS is about as serious as it gets, and someone who isn't fully prepared for it--for the supplements they'll be taking, the lifestyle changes they'll be making, and the side effects they might have--it can have dire consequences.

You cannot do any part of your fiancee's journey for her. You can't make another person exercise or eat well unless that person is a young child for whom you are wholly responsible. Your fiancee is an adult. You'll have to decide whether it's worth it to you to marry someone whom you are desperately trying to reshape, physically or emotionally.

Was she 400 pounds when you met her? If so, she hasn't changed; you have. She might be giving you more resistance and arguments because frankly, no one--no matter how uncomfortable she is--wants to be told what to do. You're recasting your relationship into a parent-child dynamic instead of an equal-partners dynamic, and the more you act like a finger-wagging "grown-up," the likelier she is to become a recalcitrant "child."

So get back to an adult relationship. Express to her how concerned you are about her health, safety, and comfort. Ask what you can do to help her follow doctors' orders. Offer to join her on short walks instead of trying to convince her to get on the treadmill by herself (my husband is brilliant at this; if I'm not in a "walky" mood, he'll say something like, "I love that we get a chance to talk with one another when we walk" and I can't possibly say no to that :) ). Talk with her about why she's had trouble preparing for surgery, but do it without a judgmental, "Why can't you just behave!?" tone.

It won't be easy. It IS frustrating to watch a loved one do crap that's wildly unhealthy, especially when you are so ready to help that person. You're torn between speaking up because you love someone and keeping silent for the same reason--you don't want to hurt feelings.

And it's hard to understand that for someone with a great deal of extra weight, answers are not as simple as "just put down the fork" or "just get up and move more." Read some other threads here, though, and you'll see that for some people, there's a strong physiological component to weight loss that makes it practically impossible unless the person controls what she eats as well as how much. Others are emotional eaters. Others are binge eaters. Still others had traumatic events that triggered great weight gain.

If you've never had a weight issue yourself, you are bound to find it tough to grasp all the conflicting forces surrounding the concept of losing. At my biggest (which you can see on my ticker), getting up and walking around had begun to HURT. The impetus for my weight loss was a trip to a Saints game; I found that walking to our cheap seats in the Superdome was almost impossible for me. I was deeply ashamed of it.

Shame and guilt motivated me to lose--but shame and guilt also kept me from losing for a long time because it was embarrassing even to acknowledge that I HAD a weight issue. I would've died rather than tell my husband that the reason I didn't want to go shopping together wasn't that I was lazy, it was that I disliked how even a simple shopping trip left me winded.

Your fiancee very likely faces the same issue--but she's not going to tell you that. So try to be understanding of what it costs someone who's very large and very unused to physical exertion to get moving. It's way tougher than it looks like, probably way tougher than she lets on.

I've kind of gotten on a tangent, but I'll go back to this: if her weight has been stable since you've known her, she hasn't changed, but you have. Reformat your relationship to be one between equals, not a scolding parent/pouting child one.

a small victory
 

We went to weight loss center yesterday to meet with the dietician. She had gained a few pounds again and was at 410. Not devastated but not happy. She knows she hasn't been following the program very well. She agreed that we'd start measuring foods and keeping a food journal (so that if failure to lose weight continues at least the dietician will something concrete available to see why) and she gave me permission to point out better choices and to to tell her when I think her portions are too big.

Couple things about me - ive been fighting my weight most of my life. I'm now 5'10" and 230ish. Sort of a fitness fanatic almost, at least in the last couple of years. Do lots of running, HIIT (high intensity interval training) and weight training. I don't expect her to get anywhere near that type of excercise for a year or more. I'd love to go out with her and take a slow walk to the corner and back.

That sounds like a great idea. :) I recently realized there's a park close by to us (we moved not too long ago and are still getting to know the area) and my husband suggested a picnic lunch there. I packed up some healthy sandwiches, sliced fruit, and carrot sticks for us. We drove over, had our lunch on the picnic grounds, then took a nice walk around the rest of the park. It was something really fun for both of us to do together!

I think finding fun, healthy things to do together may be some of the best support you can offer her right now. It's not always easy but it's great to find ways to make healthier habits more enjoyable when you can. :)

Hi Eliochacon, I've been reading the other posts and will not reiterate what most, if not all have already said. What I will add however has to do with you most recent post. Your fiance has agreed now to keep a journal - rather than point out to her better choices and/or portion sizes (which I'm pretty sure she already knows), I would focus on positive reinforcement of her behaviour. When you see her writing in her journal, provide positive words of encouragement. Pointing our "mistakes" will inadvertenly serve as negative reinforcement. Any behavioural changes you see as moving towards her goal of weight loss should be "rewarded" with positive reinforcement. I hope this helps.

Good piece of advice. Make sure though that it doesn't sound like reinforcement between a parent and child, as Nola refers to criticism.

I'd even add that you also keep a journal and count calories, so she doesn't feel like she is working on it alone. Maybe both of you can keep each other accountable, and as you encourage her behavior, she will also encourage yours, which will help you as well.

Today we were talking about it and she said she's dreading having meals in the 300-400 calorie range. This woman is always hungry. She claims that due to her long term overeating and her size that her stomach has stretched. Now she is an intelligent woman and a health care professional to boot so I don't argue this point with her and I don't know if she's right or not anyway but I do believe that most of the time at least she is experiencing hunger. I think I fear this as much as she does in that she's going to be miserable and sometimes I think I should just let her eat and say nothing.