You don't "let" her eat. You don't "make" her eat. Nothing you say or do will directly change how she eats. You don't control her eating.

You can, as Freedom One suggested, offer positive reinforcement when you see her sticking to her program. It's awesome that you're preparing lighter meals for her, and that definitely makes it easier for her to make good choices. But the really important thing to remember is: they are all her choices about her body. I gather that you're trying to be her "food cop," and that doesn't work in the long term.

Why you shouldn't be a "food cop":

- She won't discover what works best for her own diet

- She may come to resent you--it's disheartening to feel as though you're disappointing someone

- She, like every other adult, probably dislikes being told what to do

- You may come to resent her--it's frustrating to give someone good advice and watch them not take it

Have you spoken to a counselor about any of this? I think it's a crying shame that SHE isn't getting some serious counseling before surgery, but it sounds like YOU could benefit from some perspective on how to deal with what must be a frustrating situation for you both.

The one thing I want to reiterate, though, because I see it throughout all your posts: you neither control what she eats nor how much. That's her job. You can make that job easier or harder, but you cannot do it for her.

The reality is it doesn't matter who is right or not - it is what it is. "This woman" is the intelligent woman you have decided to spend the rest of your life with and you really need to start giving her credit. She has made numerous choices - which may not be what you want but nonetheless they are her choices. I hate to use a cliche but..."You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink." At some point you need to stop controlling the situation and allow your fiance to take responsibility for her own actions. She was 400 lb when you met and fell in love with her so I don't quite understand why you have a fear now that "she is going to be miserable."...perhaps she is quite content with herself and it may be you who has underlying issues with her weight? I'm sorry to be so blunt...but as many have already said, this is her journey - if she so wishes to embark on such a trip. Otherwise, back off and be supportive and accept her choices. When she is ready AND if she wants to lose weight, she will do so.

Meals in 300-400 cals? She needs about 3000 cal a day just to stay the same. She'd be eating in the 1200-1500/day range and that can very well be too low for her - at least to start. She should consider 1800-2000 (maybe higher) which would give her 500-600 cal meals and 100-200 cal snacks so she is never more than 3 hours away from eating. It can be a lot of food to fill her stomach if it is more fruits and veggies than fast food. It is always more filling to eat a meal/snack with fat than without - like cheese stick and fruit, walnuts and yogurt, lunchmeat rolled up with a celery stick, hard boiled egg and V8 juice, etc.

A 1000 cal deficit per day will result in weight loss of about 2 lbs a week. It doesn't have to be punishment (hungry/miserable all the time) or drastic to eat healthy.

I agree with what everyone else is saying: you can't change her, you can only support her in her choices. And here's the rub. You certainly seem willing to help her through the steps she needs to take to lose weight. I wish my husband were half so supportive. But what if she decides not to do it, that the thought of restricting her meals is more distressing to her than her weight? Can you support her in that? It may be relationship advice rather than weight-loss advice that you need.

Can you live with this for the rest of your/her life? Is this relationship AS IT IS NOW what you want for yourself? I think that, more than anything about her eating/lack of activity, etc., is a key. If not, then that might need some serious pondering. We all have different goals for ourselves and sometimes those goals change as WE change, which happens. But how happy will you be with your relationship if she continues to gain weight? As everyone has stated, no one can make another one do something they

don't want to do - she might journal the healthy food at home and skip the two whoppers and fries and shake she got at lunch, etc. You just don't know. You need to be sure that you are okay with your mate as she is now without thoughts of how she MIGHT BE or COULD BE.

Good luck!