Hello.
My name is Jen. I'm 27 years old. And I hate myself. I will try to keep the self hatred to a minimum but I'm completely lost. I need to lose weight and I need to change my life. But I am having a really hard time. I'm just shy of 300 pounds. And it is really hard for me to admit that. I have gained about 130 pounds over the last three years. I was never skinny, but I was never morbidly obese, which I have now become.

I think my weight first got out of control when I was in college. My sophomore year. I was far from home and I don't know why or how exactly it happened, but I got really unhappy really quickly. I gained a bunch of weight. I went home for the summer and my two best "friends" told me that I had become someone they no longer wanted to spend time with... and they both told me it was because of how I looked. And since then I have struggled. I finally got my weight under control for awhile and managed to lose about 60 pounds. I felt amazing. I started dating a new guy who I was completely in love with but we broke up. And ever since I have done nothing but gain. I've had tons of boyfriends but they never last. Probably because I hate myself and have zero confidence. I have convinced myself that I don't need "friends". I do not let myself get close to anyone. I tell myself over and over that I don't need friends or boyfriends and that it will be better in the long run if I am alone because then I don't need to worry about being hurt. Or thrown away.
So I get up every morning. I go to my job that I absolutely love- working with DD people in group homes. Then I come home and go to bed. I fill the gaps in the day with food. I eat and I feel so guilty. I know that I shouldn't eat what I do or as much as I do. But I can't help it. I think I'm suicidal. I don't know what to do or where to start. I want to change. I want to stop hating myself. But I have no one to talk to. No one to support me. But at the same time, I don't think I want anyone in my life right now. Like I almost feel like I don't deserve it.
So I guess what I'm asking is this:
Does anyone have any words of wisdom on where to start? I want to work out. I want to eat right. But I don't know how anymore. I'm so sad all the time. Sorry for the pity party... I'm just trying to be honest so that if anyone has felt the way I do, maybe they can help me?

does your job come with good health benefits? Because it sounds like you might want to talk to a counselor or some other mental health professional. This is a very supportive group (and we'll still be here), but if you're struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide, you need to talk to someone in person. Sooner rather than later. Please.

//b. strong

no. i do not have insurance because i couldn't afford to pay it plus pay my student loans every month. i have used up all my forbearance so i have no choice but to pay them. i have also looked for mental health care providers who use a sliding fee scale but there are none in my area. like i said, i am alone. oh well.

I am so sad for you, and so sorry you're going through this.

In my area, we have free mental health to people who qualify, as well as free general health insurance. Contact Medicaid in your area and see if you qualify for anything. You’d be surprised, lots of people qualify who never imagined they would.

As for the diet and exercise, the hardest part is getting started. If you make a healthy choice for breakfast, then you’re more likely to make healthy choices all day. Get up in the morning and have something healthy. Like eggs whites, turkey bacon and fruit, or if you’re short on time, a bowl of Special K with skim milk will do. Just make sure you measure the correct portion according to what the box says is a serving size. Pack a lunch for work so you’re less likely to make bad choices throughout the day. Pack lots of fruits, low fat cheeses, salad with olive oil and pepper instead of dressing. There are lots of low-calorie yogurts, and Jello is very good for a sweet tooth since it comes in convenient packs and it is sugar free.

For exercise, just walk. You can even just walk in place in your living room while you watch your favorite show. I have two small kids and a husband who works nights, so I am always home alone with my kids during the week. So I walk, or I jog in place, or do jumping jacks, or whatever while I watch tv, since I can’t go out. It’s an excellent way to start out for someone who is currently not active. If you have cable or satellite, you probably have access to On Demand (Comcast) or something similar. There are free workouts on there, I use them all the time. Or you can even check out workouts on dvd from the library. Also, Jillian Michaels has some really good workouts available for $9 at Walmart. I have the Burn Fat, Boost Metabolism one and its intense. I love it. If you don’t like to work out, I hear Zumba is really fun. It’s like dancing, and there are many dvds for it available, and you can also do that in your living room.

The most important thing, which I need to actually take my own advice on, is to not beat yourself up over a mistake. So you slipped and ate a piece of chocolate cake. Or even half of a chocolate cake. Oh well. Not the end of the world. Just remember how guilty you feel and move on. Promise yourself to remember that feeling the next time you want something that’s bad for you, and do it. Then continue the healthy eating the rest of the day. Just slipping up once or twice doesn’t mean the diet is ruined and it doesn’t mean it’s time to quit. Just brush yourself off and keep going. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have friends, and if those idiots treated you that badly then you’re way better than them anyway. They were never worth your time, and trust me, you’re better off without them. I’m sure you are an awesome person, and you have a job caring for others so that must mean you’re a good person, and you just need to start loving yourself. You CAN do this. Just keep posting on here and I am sure you’ll have plenty of e-friends in no time. Honestly, the best friends I have in my life are all people I met online anyway.