Hello, I'm new here, Question for you all, please answer seriously.
So, my mother in law is constantly telling me I need to lose weight. I am actually pretty happy with my weight as I am now, I used to suffer from an eating disorder, and had serious BDD in my teens. I would cry myself to sleep at night hating myself thinking I was fat when I weighed 105lbs. I am 5'3, and weigh 135 - 140 now. I feel healthy, and most of my BDD issues are gone, though I still feel insecure from time to time. I'm very hour glassed shaped, so I do hold weight very well, I can see that now actually.
But I'm just wanting to know, is it right of her to tell me to lose weight? She is bigger than me because of childbirth, but she used to be a size 0, and her daughter is a size 00. She is constantly inferring that I wear a bigger size than her, which is an 8, trying to say I wear a 12 or 14. I wear a 6-8, I'm very curve as I said so my hips are a big part of that. And if I mention making a food that is not particuarly healthy she will make references of but you'll need to work out double if you do that. Or when are you going to work out then?
I actually do go to the gym, about twice a week to stay healthy and maintain. Here are a few photos of me, and as obssessed as I seem now with my weight and how I look, understand I was a lot worse off before than I am now, but it's not 100 percent gone. I don't know if it ever will be. Please be honest and let me know if she is being correct in telling me this, or if she is letting her own issues of wanting to be a size 0 carry over to me as well.
Am I right to be feeling insulted and somewhat irritated by her remarks to me? Just copy and paste.
Your mother-in-law is wrong. It is rude to tell people that they need to lose weight unless you're a doctor and it's for medical reasons. She is projecting her own issues on to you. I suggest that you read some books or talk to a therapist about how to have boundaries and handle her emotionally abusive and inappropriate behavior. Where is your spouse in all this? He should be defending you and protecting you from this nonsense.
Last edited by JessLess; 11-03-2010 at 05:03 AM.
Reason: clarity
If you want me to be really honest (I'll delete if not) I think the desire to be a Size Zero is indicative of a disordered mental state - Zero means 'nothing': why would anyone's ambition be to be nothing?
It must be really awful to have her pressuring you, and because she's your m-i-l, you can't just tell her to take a running jump, in the way you could a stranger or one of your own friends.
Your weight seems fine to me. Most importantly, your weight is fine to you.
I would suggest not talking to her about food at all.
I would suggest telling her that you're happy as you are, please respect that.
I would suggest telling her son how his mother is bullying you.
Wow, your mother in law has some serious issues and if you don't sit her down and tell her how her comments make you feel, her issues will become your issues. The fact that you are in a healthy place physically and (more importantly) mentally, is amazing in and of itself. Unfortunately, mother in laws are necessary evils, so try to handle the situation with grace and tact. Tell her how you feel, tell her about your past and how her comments obviously hurt you and could derail the happiness you've found. Maybe even team up with her son, so she knows that you're serious.
She has no right to impose her warped sense of reality onto you. You're at a healthy BMI and a healthy state of mind. Keep it that way
I'm a firm believer that no one
(unless a doctor) has the right
to tell you that you need to lose
weight. How incredibly rude.
Like JessLess said, where is your
husband? You really do need some
defense and support on your side
to let her know that she needs to
stop. I do hope things get better
for you. Stay strong!
Your mother in law is demeaning you to build herself up. You sound like you have traveled the long road to body image acceptance. You should be proud of yourself. You sound like you have a fantastic figure. Woman aren't meant to be sticks!! Call her on it. Tell her "she is speaking out of turn and it's inappropriate for her to make comments, you know how to look after yourself as a complete person, without solely being focused on vanity such as herself"
Ugh, she sounds a bit like my mother in law to be...I was over at her house and we were having sandwiches for lunch...I'm vegetarian, so I grabbed a peice of cheese on mine and when I reached for it she said, "Cheese - naughty naughty."
WTF!
A little while after that it was father's day and we asked if they wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate...she told me they didn't want to do anything food oriented and maybe we could catch a concert or go to a festival or something instead. I can't help but think that that was a reflection on both my and my fiancee's weights. While she won't come right out and say anything to me, she's told him flat out that he's gained weight since living with me and needs to lose it. She's a little overbearing...
I'm about the same size as you and I am trying to lose some weight...but because it's MY choice as a vanity thing, not because my health is at risk or anyone has told me to. No doctor has ever told me I needed to lose weight, even when I was at 150 lbs they told me my weight was fine when I asked.
Weight is personal and it's none of her business what your # is, or your clothing size. If she compares you to her daughter again remind her that you are not HER daughter and she is not YOUR mother.
If you are happy, and your doctor is happy, story OVER. She doesn't get a say. Which is exactly what I'd tell her...next time a comment is made, I'd respond, "My doctor and I are very happy with my weight as it is". Then repeat as a response every time she brings your weight up, until she finally gives up.
How about telling your mother in law to go jump in the lake? You need to be the size that YOU are comfortable with. You didn't marry her, you married her son. If he likes your size and shape and you like your size and shape that's all that matters. Be your own person dear. Don't let anyone dictate what size you should be. You and your doctor are the best judge of that. Oh and by the way, her demeaning you is just a sign of her own insecurities. She feels threatened in some way (I'm guessing because your shape is much more attractive than hers - & the daughter's for that matter). Knowing that her meaness is rooted in her own lack of self worth gives you P~O~W~E~R
Last edited by islandchick1; 11-03-2010 at 01:27 PM.
Wow, you guys are really amazing on here. I'm glad I was able to finally talk to some people about this who know how emotionally hard it is to struggle with body image issues that society/family/friends forces on us. I really should sit her down to talk with her, or maybe talk to my hubby more on it so that he can help with the situation as well. I have vented to him about it, but he is usually quiet and I am not quite sure what he's thinking about the whole situation. He does like the way I am, so it's not his thoughts fueling her, he tells me that all the time and shows me as well since actions do speak louder than words.
I guess the next time she brings it up, I will try to make a tactful way of telling her to back off, and if that doesn't work then I will have to resort to telling her how I was in my teens and that it has been something I've been struggling with emotionally for awhile now. It just brings me back to when we were watching top model together, I would look at the women on there and think they were way too thin, she would look at the skinniest one on there and say out loud I want to be like that look how skinny she is! I would actually think the "plus size" women on the show looked better and healthier on there.
And wildflower, that sounds horrible and you definitely know exactly where I am coming from.
And that is a good idea, to just not talk to her about food at all anymore. Or go shopping either because if I pick something out that I know will fit me she'll infer that it's too small. I guess it makes me feel so bad is because back in the day I wanted to be a size zero, and because of how I was built I could never be that way, I got down to a size 1, and I wanted a 22 inch waist but the smallest I got it while starving myself and working out was 22.5/23. It took me a long time to finally start to accept myself the way I am built, so to have someone close to me in my everyday life being like that is just extremely frusturating.
But thank you all again for your comments, I will try to just not talk about food or clothes with her and see if that helps the comments, if not if she does mention it again I will just have to calmly let her know that I am fine with how I look and have no desire to be a size 2 or lower. And then if it doesn't stop I will get my hubby involved as well. Thank you so much for your advice and kind words, I believe I will be perusing these forums for a long time to come =]
Hello, I'm new here, Question for you all, please answer seriously.
