Hi, I'm beautyinsideme. I decided to join 3FC because it seems like a good place for support from people who really understand what it's like to struggle with weight issues. I solemnly swear never to be judgmental or condescending even after I lose the weight because I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of that attitude.
A little bit about me- I'm 33 years old and a stay at home mother of three kids under 5 years old. I am an emotional overeater. I love to cook, bake and generally try to use food to make myself and other people feel better. I have never, ever been in the "normal" range on any weight chart since birth. Seriously. When I was 7, my mother decided that "tough love weight loss" was best for me because I was already sneaking food to get around her disapproval. So I went on WW with a bunch of old ladies (to me at that time), including some of my school teachers, mothers of kids I went to school with and people from church- it was humiliating. I remember I weighed 118 lbs and was probably about 4'8'' at the time (now I'm 5'4''). If only I could have concentrated on fitness to stop gaining weight (at the rate of 8-10 lbs/year), I would have grown taller and grown into that weight. Instead, my parents used excercise to punish me if I had "bad" weigh in- for every pound gained, I had to do 30 minutes on the stationary bike in the basement and I was grounded in my room after dinner for a week. So I hated excercise and developed a very bad body image/ became so self-conscious that I did not want to even participate in gym class. I really believed that everyone was looking at me and thought I was fat. I also had a grandmother who loved me with food, sneaking me candy bars, sodas and snacks every chance she could get. After school, I would binge on cheese, bread, leftovers, cookies I had bought from the school vending machines, etc and then I would still eat dinner even though I was full. Anywhooo...The vicious cycle I learned at 7 and has stayed with me, at least to some degree, my whole life. I had been on Slim Fast, NutriSystem, and WW by age 17. My parents locked up food, counted cookies in the cookie jar and humiliated me in front of my family and peers if they caught me "cheating." By high school graduation, I was 165 lbs and 5'4.5''. But, after I went to college and got out of the house, I will admit, that weight gain was by my own choices. Nobody was there to tell me what to eat or what to do. I did gain the freshmen 15, more like 20, because I went hog wild with all the freedom. The summer between freshman and sophmore year of college, I accidentally discovered exercise because I had no car. I had to work 2 jobs and had to walk, both ways, which I am guessing was about 5 miles every day, plus I was on my feet working with little kids most of the day. I also had become friendly with an Indian girl who was a vegetarian and started trying some of her recipes and I gave up red meat. I actually don't know how much weight I lost because I was ****-bent on never weighing myself ever again after what my parents did to me, but I know that by the end of the summer, I fit into size 10 jeans (down from size 14). Everyone at school said how good I look and truth be told, I LOVED physical activity by that point. I went to the school gym and continued eating well until I pledged for sorority. Then I started drinking every weekend, stopped going to the gym so much, and before you know it, size 12 was tight and then back to size 14 by spring. I made some great friends in sorority, but made some poor choices. The next summer, I vowed to "wow" everyone again and went to the gym religiously (and gave in to weighing myself)- 170 lbs. But without chaning my eating habits and with having wheels again, I lost no weight at all. The rest of college was much harder, with core classes, lots of late nights, binging while cramming for tests and writing papers and such, but I have no idea what I weighed- size 16 by graduation. Went to grad school where I met my husband and we did the whole falling in love and eating too much thing- lots a lots of pizza, lots of breakfast out, lots of everything and he was a carb addict. He was still thin, though because he biked everywhere. By our wedding day, I was 192 lbs. A year after our wedding, I had to have major leg surgery due to a tumor (benign, thanks God). I was on crutches for 8 weeks and in terrible pain. Add to this, being rejected for job after job, despite a 3.9 GPA from a good college, and I was binging almost daily. Ice Cream became a favorite. I would eat from the minute I got home from substitute teaching (**** on earth as I call it) until 10 at night while my DH was continuing his graduate school studies. Looking back, I think my weight has a lot to do with the way I came across in job interviews and I did not have good self-esteem, despite being a smart person. Another leg surgery later (the first one was unsuccessful in completely removing the tumor) and I was 218 lbs and the only reason I knew this was because it was on my hospital chart. Once the whole tumor thing was cleared, we were starting to think about getting pregnant. I went and saw my primary doctor and told him so, asked him about going off the pill and how long after to start trying and he told me, "Your most recent physical showed high cholesterol (232), high lipids, and you are obese." If you try to get pregnant, you probably won't be successful, and you will put both you and the baby at risk if you do get pregnant. You could die and so could the baby you carry. You aren't getting pregnant until you lose weight." Now, before you start judging the GP (I hate thin people who have a superiority complex as much as you do and I hate doctors who only talk about weight to overweight people). This was my first turning point. I wanted a baby more than food. That was it. I started doing some very basic low impact aerobics videos and calorie counting (about 1200-1400/day). I went back to no red meat, 7 servings of fruits/veggies per day, fat free and low fat every condiment and allowed myself 1 oz of chocolate daily. I stopped eating processed crap and totally gave up fast food (which I still don't eat). My mentality was "if this isn't the very best tasting ________(whatever food) on earth, I'm not eating it." So, no more twinkies (a poor excuse for real cake), no more store bought cookies (only 1 or 2 of my DH's fabulous homemade chocolate chips). I savored good food, chewed instead of gulping, and got 8-10 hours of sleep a night. I quit my crappy substitute teaching work, found a company that appreciated my brains and founds out that my new co-workers were extremely supportive of my weight loss efforts. I don't know where the will-power came from inside of me, but I knew that I had to lose weight to be healthy- not skinny- just healthy enough to have a baby. I lost 38 pounds over 5 months. Then I plateaued at 180. I decided that was good enough and to see if I could just maintain because we were moving to a new house. I did maintain for 6 more months. I saw my OB who said it would have been ok for me to get pregnant even at 218, but not ideal, but now I would be in great shape if I had a small pregnancy weight gain. I was pregnant with our first child the next month. I gained 28 lbs. I had a nightmare of a delivery (HELLP syndrome- look it up) and nearly died. I was on IV only for 4 days and then liquids only for 2 days. By six weeks postpartum, I was back to 180 and anemic. NOT that I'd recommend HELLP syndrome for weight loss! Thanks to breastfeeding and lots of stroller walking I was down to 172 by a few months later and maintained that weight for 9 more months. I got pregnant with baby #2 and gained 33 lbs. Again, thanks to breastfeeding and power stroller walking, I lost it all, but it took longer- 8 months or so and I was down to 167. Yay me. Then I became unexpectedly pregnant with #3 (while nursing and on the "minipill"). I gained 36 lbs and despite breastfeeding, it took me a year to lose it. But, with hard excercise (1- 1.5 hours 6 days a week of boot camp cardio, power walking pushing 2 kids in a double stroller, weight training) and switching to a very low carb diet, I got down to 164. The minute I fell off the low carb wagon, I gained back 8 lbs! Still, with a lot of excercise, I could maintain 170-172. The problem was, I was freakin' exhausted! I used food for energy (which it is) because I wan't sleeping enough. In adddition, having 3 very highly demanding little people at home all day is a lot of work and I am stressed out almost daily! My oldest has a diagnosed behavior disorder, my middle has global developmental delays requiring speech, OT and PT and my youngest is fine, but the guilt from not giving #3 as much attention kills me. I was also depressed for some time after my husband got a vesectomey because it was like closing a door on wonderful chapter of our lives (even though we cannot emotionally or financially handle any more kids) and then my grandmother passed away. It has been a horrible past 6 months. And, yes, I went back to stress eating, and being too tired/depressed to excercise. My husband's job has him working more hours than ever and I feel like he's a little resentful of me for taking time to exercise with all the household chores piling up since he's working so much. I did speak with him about this since it was having an effect on our marriage and my waistline and we agreed to get help with cleaning (a luxury for most, I know) because that is a major stressor for both of us, get help for our oldest child's behavior problems and reach out to people who have been asking us if they can help us with anything all along, especially at church. To this committment, add healthier eating, elimination of sugary snacks for me, getting to bed on time no matter what and exercising again. Not surprisingly after the holidays were over, I had gone from 170 in August to 193 by January. C-R-A-P. And the funny thing is that in the summer I was really not thrilled with my thighs at 170! I would kill for 170 now! After two weeks, I have gone down to 189. I will not, cannot, refuse to go back up to 218. I won't. I won't . I won't. I am not that person. My mini-goal now is 170. I would be happy with 155, but I am setting my goal for 140 and will see how it goes. I guess that being realistic, if it took careful eating and a hour of exercise a day just to maintain 165-170, I'll have to think about this goal more once I'm back to 170 again. Joining 3FC is part of my plan because I need support. Thanks for reading my rant (if you got through all that!) and feel free to comment, offer your stories. I am wondering if any of you have been overweight since childhood. And how does that affect you now? What about height/weight charts- do you think they are realistic? I have a "medium" body type/athletic build. How about BMI? Mine's 31 right now, according to Wii Fit! I haven't had my actual body fat measurements done since it was mandatory as part of the fitness testing in high school! Any other 5'4'- 5'5 ladies out there- what's your goal weight? So, 5'4.5", 189lbs currently and my goal is to lose 19 lbs by my April 17. I hope I can do it!
Staying on the wagon this time
