I am not actually new to the forum. I have been here on and off for years. I originally joined when I was 34 (now 38) and was working through some personal demons that nearly ruined my marriage and did some pretty serious damage to my psyche. Although I did it the healthy way and went from 209 to just under 170(or was it 180, I don't remember) the reason for the loss wasn't healthy and once it was gone, it all came back with a vengeance.
I started a new completely sedentary job about a year and a half ago. Since then I have gained about 15 pounds. Add that to the 40 that I had gained back, I have gained a total of about 55 pounds in the last four years. I weighed in at 225 this morning. I posted a year or so ago about how I couldn't understand how people would let themselves get so big. How they didn't have a point where it clicked and they at least stopped gaining. This was due to the fact that I never seemed to get above 209, somehow my body just kept me there. Well chalk it up to the new job, or the fact that I (basically) quit smoking six months ago or al of the stress that I have been under but my body finally broke through. Sure, none of my clothes fit anymore. Even the ones that had been loose now are so tight that I am embarrassed to wear them to work. I still do of course, because not only am I too broke to buy new and refuse to get the next size up.
But, I hit bottom last night. All day, my heart was racing, my left arm was all tingly. I chalked it up to a caffeine overdose(I love my coffee) and it seemed to go away. Last night as my husband and I were sitting down to watch a movie, I had what I now know was a panic attack. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, I was afraid to move because I was worried to would cause it to get worse. After awhile I got up to take a shower hoping that would calm it down. It didn't work though and in the shower I started having horrible thoughts. I was sure that I was about to die and started making promises to God that I would stop smoking for real and I would start paying attention to my health. I started freaking out about dying there in the shower where strangers would have to see me naked when they hauled me out. I was sure that I was going to leave my kids and my husband without me. My knees started shaking so badly that I had to get out of the shower. It got worse when I got into bed and under the covers. I felt so cold and shook so hard that I was shaking the bed. I was upset at the time that my husband didn't seemed too concerned but he knew that I was just having a panic attack and when he voiced that it seemed to get better.
So, here I am the next morning. A morning that I was sure that I wasn't going to get to see. I only had one cup of coffee instead of the 5 or so I would've had by now. I am determined to get on that exercise bike today even if only for a few minutes. So far, I haven't given up on the diet of course it is only noon. I need to do this for good this time. Not just weight loss, but a change for healthy living. I am not ready to die.
Thanks for listening.
Last edited by beforeim35; 01-24-2010 at 12:24 PM.
((((HUGS)))) I hope you're feeling better. It's scary to feel like that but at least you KNOW that you have a place to come to where they understand your thoughts and feelings. Good luck! I'm rooting for you.
Wow!! Do I know what you're going though. I used to get panic attacks a lot...I'd get them to the point of hyperventalating. I can sympathise and I feel for you!
I had a Dr. tell me once to NOT try to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time. He said I'd just be setting myself up for disapointment. He told me to choose one, set a goal, and once I reached that goal and was comfortalbe maintaining that goal then try the other. Think about it...if you loose 50 lbs. you would be healthier then you are now...even if you're still smoking. And once you reach your frist goal you will feel so much better about yourself and hitting that other milestone will be much easier. Why stress yourself out by doing both at the same time. Now...I'm not implying that YOU can not do it... if you set your mind to it, you can accomplish anything!! But I find it easier to take it one step at a time.
Last edited by MandiAltman; 01-24-2010 at 01:49 PM.
There is almost nothing more frightening then having a panic attack. Your body reacts like you were stuck on a track with a train coming and you are unable to get out of the way. The only difference, is that your body is experiencing these feelings of terror and there is no train coming.
I, too, had a dream that I never lived to see my children graduate from high school due to the fact that I was a smoker. That dream along with other things helped me to quit smoking for good. If you quit now, you'll quit at a much younger age then I did. Please do it. One of my classmates just died from lung cancer and another has been given 6 months to live with lung cancer. This is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. But do it for yourself because you deserve to be in good health.
I wish there was a way I could help you to lose your extra weight. How about if you do this..... and it won't cost you anything. In fact, you'll save money.
Beginning right now.... Eat half of what you normally would eat and drink lots of water.
The pounds will melt right off you. There is no magic diet out there, so why spend hundreds of dollars on something which won't work in the long run? Remember the old "results aren't typical" on every single weight loss ad.
You know what a portion is, so have just one portion of this and a portion of that. At 5' 3" which is my exact height, I allow myself (now that I'm in maintenance) 1,500 calories per day. That works really well and for the first time in 10 years of yo-yoing, I've maintained since last April.
When I was in my weight loss phase, I ate about 1,000 calories per day in 6 small meals spread out throughout the day. I "spent" my calories carefully as I didn't want to go hungry.
As long as 51% of you wants to lose the weight you will win the battle, even if 49% of you wants to eat more food (or unhealthy foods.) The exact same goes for smoking.
I wish you the very best and believe me, I hear you. I, too, have suffered from severe panic attacks which sent me right to the ER convinced that I was dying.
Someday you will look back on that panic attack as the best thing that ever happened to you, because it was the catalyst for change for the better.
I am a former smoker, so I know what you're going through there. It can be done. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but it's not the hardest either.
Good luck, and I hope you find the support you need on this journey. There are lots of good people here.
I can't imagine what you went through because I have never had a panic attack but I know they can be frightening. It will be okay if you keep breathing. Just Keep inhaling and exhaling.
You can accomplish you goals for YOU and be there for your family.
I'm so sorry for the frightening episode you went through, and the painful struggle. I know all about gaining weight and not buying new clothes and just making the old ones work even though they are too tight.
You are going to make it to your goal of a happier and healthier you - I just know it! I look forward to seeing your posts celebrating each milestone!
I am thankful for all of your kind words. It is also nice to know that other people have those feelings. I always consider myself a worrier but as I get older it seems to be getting worse. More than likely because I am less healthy and have more in my life to lose. The smoking thing is mostly over, I can go days without one now so I really do need to make this next step. Thanks for the support.
Last edited by beforeim35; 01-24-2010 at 04:53 PM.
going days without a smoke is awesome.I'm not a smoker myslef, my my boyfriend was, until about two months ago...he switched to electronic cigarettes (still nicotine but nothing else). They've done him well. As for the weight plateau, I used to think I couldn't pass 180, but I did... it's like once you go past that point it finds a new plateau. So, now I'm fighting off 250... you'll get there, it's a long road, and you might have to use different methods... and we all cheat on things sometimes, if you don't let it get ya down too much, you can recover.
I hit bottom..warning long post
