Hello. I recently joined the forum and have been reading some posts for encouragement. Here is my story.
I am a soon to be 32 year old single woman. I am not happy about being single. I have trust issues with men and I have been to therapy off and on to resolve these issues. Growing up, I was told that I was fat by my parents and their friends. If you were to look at my baby pictures as well as pictures of me as a little girl, I was NO where near fat. I wasn't fat at all! I was chubby, but not fat. My parents allowed others to tease me about my weight back then in hopes to get me to watch my weight. I remember my aunt telling me, when I was 7 years old, that I need to lose some weight or else no man will want to marry me. Yeah, it's really twisted, right?
What makes it worst is that when I was 5 to 6 years old, I was sexually molested by my 18 year old boy cousin. He had just arrived from India and stayed with my family for his senior year of high school. I don't remember the first time he put me in his lap and dry humped me, but I do remember that I was in kintergarden at the time because he would pick me up from school sometimes instead of my mom. He would put me in his lap while he was driving and dry hump me. He would dry hump me a lot and kiss me on the mouth. He would kiss my neck. I didn't know what was going on, but I just remember that it felt wrong. I tried to tell my mom what was happening, but even I couldn't tell her what exactly was happening. I attempted to tell my parents once...I didn't know that a penis was called a penis and my parents never taught me the names or nicknames for the male and female genetals. I said to my mom ''[cousin's name] showed me his puppet''. I have NO idea why I associated the word 'puppet' with penis at the time. Perhaps if they actually taught me a nickname (like wee-wee) for it, then the abuse would have stopped. Instead, my mom gave me a confusing look because she didn't know what I was saying. She told me to go off and play. The was the last time I attempted to tell them what was happening to me. They were raised in India where sex is never mentioned. Even though my cousin did not pentrate me, he would pull down his pants and show me his penis. One time, he tricked me into getting me into his bedroom because he said that he had gotten some candy from school and wanted to give some to me and my kid brother. We got to his room and he let my brother go after we got candy, but he shut the door before I got a chance to escape. He pushed me on the bed and I tried to fight back by pushing him off...but a 6 year old doesn't have any strength to push off an 18 year old man. He took 1 hand and managed to pin both of my small hands above my head while he took his other hand and groped me.
I don't remember the last day he was with my family. I just remember that we moved to a new house and I asked my mom where my cousin was and she said that he finished his studies and moved back to India.
I lost my virginity willingly when I was 21 with my then boyfriend. I would have assumed that this child sexually molestation would have given me flashbacks when I was actually sexually active with my boyfriend. It didn't and I had thought that I was one of the ''lucky ones'' with no side effects from being sexually molested. Silly me.
It's been 25 years since the abuse occured. Last year I saw my cousin for the first time. He is in his 40s now, married, and has a one year old son. My brother was engaged and married last year and so most of my family members/relatives came to the engagement party. We didn't talk to each other and I noticed he kept his distance from me. I don't think he knows that I remember the abuse.
Anyway, I have gained a solid 15 pounds from last year. I wonder if it is because I saw him again. I don't know. I can't seem to lose the weight and I can't seem to stop the emotionally eating. I do go to the gym a few times a week...only to drop it a week later.
I know I can lose the weight if only I can fix these issues in my head. I'm angry that my innocense was stolen from me at the age of 6. I never knew what it felt like to be a ''normal girl'' or a ''normal teenager'' or even a ''normal woman'' because I have so many trust issues with men.
I would like to get married to a nice man soon...in a couple of years...and I would like to have a couple of children. However, I am finding this difficult to do because I have gained weight, I don't look healthy, I don't FEEL healthy (both mentally and physically), and I am depressed. I know that I can get rid of the mild depression if I can stick with the gym and a healthy diet, but I'm always self-sabatoging myself.
I went to my friend's wedding about a month ago. I am now the ''fat one'' out of my group of galpals. It's not a good feeling. I was never the skinnest one out of the bunch, but I was never the ''fat one'' either until now. My female cousin even rudely asked me ''Why did you get SO fat?''
I just want to fix myself and feel normal for once in my life. I am trying to find a good psychotherapist to go to to resolve my issues with the abuse. Even if my molester were to die tomorrow, it wouldn't make me feel good. I don't know how I'm going to get any closure. I don't want to tell my parents because I don't want them to live in guilt that they took in their nephew so that he could get an American education...only to have their nephew molest their 6 year old daugther. My dad has a very weak heart and I really do believe if he found out about my abuse now, that he would go over the edge so to speak.
Ironically, I am very successful in my professional life and I was always a great student in school. I went to college, graduated, traveled aboard for work, etc. However, my personal life stinks! Even when I was in a relationship, I never really enjoyed sex because I was ashamed of my body. Also, I never really gave my heart to any man...even my boyfriend back then...we went out for 5 years and I never really let my gaurd down with him even though he was a nice and gentle man.
Sorry for the rambling. I just....I want to feel pretty...and feminine....all through my 20s, I focused on my career and stripped myself of being a ''girly-girl''' because I did not want to be seen as 'weak'. I own my own home, car, and have a solid career making good money. I'm lonely. Even if I had someone in my life, I would be lonely...and I think it has to do with the sexual abuse. Also, i was bullied by 2 girls from 6th grade all the way to 12th grade, so that did not help matters any. I was also sexually assulted as a college freshmen once. Furthermore, during my 1st job after graduation, I was sexually harassed by my boss. At first I wasn't sure if I was being ''too sensitive'' or if he was just making bad jokes, but then he propositioned me for sex and I finally went to HR. This all occured in 2005.
By choice, it's been almost 3 years since I have stopped having sex. I don't want to have sex with a man until I am ''fixed'' in the head so to speak as well as when I have a positive self-body-image.
This forum is my first baby step at getting to what I SHOULD have been....if only I wasn't sexually molested 25 years ago.
Thanks for listening.
I want to heal. I want to stop emotionally eating. I'm fat.
You're right.... putting all that out there is the first step girl. I'm really, really proud of you for that... I seriously hope that you find what you're looking for, get everything that you need, and realize that no matter WHAT weight you are... you are a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL person and you should NEVER be ashamed of your body or your sexuality. Lose weight to feel good in your skin, to be HEALTHY.... with or without the weight, you're already beautiful.
