So, this is not my first time posting on this website. I posted once about a year ago, was very excited about using this website, and then never used it again. I need this time to be different.

I have said that I am "on a diet" pretty much the past year (Really, I have never been happy with my weight but it has ballooned so much in the past two years that it is obscene.) I have never, in this time, actually dieted.

Three weeks ago, my dad sent me a photo of myself in a ball gown getting ready to go to an inaugural ball. I was incredibly excited that night. I loved that dress. It was the first dress I tried on, the only one in a size 18, and I think I would have bought it if I had been a hundred pounds lighter. It was royal blue, with a silk under lining, and a deep cowl neck that dipped low in the back. The neckline and back were covered by blue netting, embroidered with beads. It was gorgeous, and I felt beautiful. I was satisfied with my appearence in the mirror. It was simple and elegent, with just enough detailing to make it pretty.

The picture was hideous. I was humongous. I hated the dress. All of the details I loved so much about it had disappeared. It was not a dress that I had picked out, the word "fit" had no meaning except that it wasn't tight. Nothing about the dress mattered at all. You couldn't see it. It was all too small in comparison to my weight.

I can't understand it. When I looked in the mirror, that was NOT what I saw at all. It's not that I haven't noticed my weight, it just didn't seem to me that I looked that big. I knew other girls who wore he same size as me, looked at them and thought that there was no way I was as big as they were. No way. It wasn't the dress. The dress was beautiful. I hope one day to take it to a tailor and have it taken in. But until then, this dress will never be more than "flattering." I am sick of hearing that word.

Flattering is a word you use to tell someone that they don't look good. It means its the best you will ever look. I don't ever, ever, want to hear myself described that way again.

The day after I saw that picture, I knew it was serious. I have cut down to less than eight hundred calories a day. I have a granola bar for breakfast at eight, a granola bar while I'm at class, a fruit roll up around three when I get home, a lean cuisine or other measurable under 400 calorie dinner, and another granola bar. For a week, it was great. I did not slip once. I didn't have cravings for food at all, I didn't feel like I was suffering. I felt hungry, but not deathly, and being a little hungry made me feel good.

Because I am still in school, I have to go to the gym twice a week for class. I would really like to step this up to three times a week, but as of yet I have not found the courage to make the time.

I have almost succesfully stuck to the diet. Once, I had dinner with my sister where we split a vanilla milkshake and a plate of fries. I ordered a chili dog which sickened me so much when it came that I could barely eat half of it.

The first two weeks I felt great, I felt like I was losing weight, that this was the start of something good. But this past week it hasn't, and I don't know why. My eating habits have shifted slightly, in that I have had one more granola bar or whatever at some point during the day. But a hundred extra caloires shouldn't have this affect on my psyche. I don't feel like I'm losing weight at all, nothing about the fit of my pants has changed or anything. At this point, it has been three weeks and I am no longer feeling good.

I eat not because I'm hungry, and not because I'm sad, and not because I can't resist. I think I don't want to resist. I could if I wanted to. I don't believe in excuses-- it is just food. This is my life.

I am looking for things to think about that will make this easier. I am trying to make a lifestyle choice, and not a diet.

SaltShaka - I have tried many diets on and off in the last 20 years (I am 44) Yes, I could lose weight but it was hard and I craved food while on the diet. I have done Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, NutriSystem, Curves etc. I was miserable with each diet. I would end up binge ending because the diet wasn't satifying and weight would come off too slow. I could manage to stick to the diet for a couple weeks before having to start over.
Since Jan 1st I have changed my eating style and I am not on a diet. And...guess what...I have lost 21 pounds since Jan 1, 2009.
I do not have any food restrictions and absolutely love, love, love my new eating style! I eat every 3 hours. I haven't started exercising yet but plan to do so in the near future. If you are interested in talking more about this eating style please feel free to email. My goal weight is to be 150 pounds by 8-15-09 (my birthday)

it seems like youre working in extremes-either youre eating starvation rations or youre having junk food. extremes are bad for your body and your mental health. i had an eating disorder for more than 13 years and i know about feeling like its black or white. its not. diet is really a 4 letter word. when i was restricting myself to a few hundred cals a day i would feel tired or wound up, sad or manic, apathetic or anxious, never mellow in the middle. never happy. never just being self. try and make it simple. whatever is making you eat too much or the wrong things doesnt matter. what matters is making the choice thats in front of you right now. not in 20 mins, not in 20 years. if you have the vanilla shake, ok thats done. whats next? are you going to flip out and call yourself a failure or arre you going take make the next choice a good one. give yourself time to learn good habits. god know were all still learning and unlearning habits, myself included but try to see that its not about dieting your way to perfection, its about changing the things you do that hurt you and instead doing things that help you. if you dont do that nobodys going to do it for you.

So oddly, I find extremes easier to stick to. I know it is weird, but I *like* feeling a little deprived. It's not that I want to totally starve myself, I like the apparent harshness. It makes me feel good.

Also, delafax, I would LOVE to talk about a lifestyle way of eating. I would love to learn what works for other people. Rules, structure...these are things I love. Even if you dont consider them "rules" its easier for me to listen to other people than it is to follow my own rules, because I can break those.

I am sick of being fat. My lowest weight was four years ago exactly at 125. I feel like people don't take me seriously nowadays. I am overlooked. I HATE it. No one know what I really look like. Who I look like right now is not the real me. I want to be perceived for who I am, not as someone who is so undisciplined as to gain almost a hundred pounds.

You need to eat more. Our bodies need protein, carbs, and healthy fats to function. By eating so little, you are telling your body that not much nutrition is available and it is going to cling to every bit it gets.

Sensible long term weight loss and maintenance is rooted in healthy choices. I would recommend calorie counting. You might sign up for The Daily Plate and enter your calories each day. Try 1600 to start and make those calories healthy ones. Fruits, veggies, lean proteins, healthy fats like avocado, olive oil, walnuts, etc.

midwife is exactly right. i won't get into all the medical details but 800 calories a day causes your body to go into "starvation" mode and it will actually start storing every calorie it gets and make you GAIN weight in the long run.

weight you lose in the short term is from water loss- every storage unit of carb in your body is associated with water. when you "starve", your body eats up stored carbs (and muscle) instead of fat, releasing water. as soon as you eat a normal number of calories, the water comes right back on. incidentally- this is why carb free diets only work in the short term and are not sustainable.

my basic diet rules- no regular soda/juice/sports drinks; limit real dessert to once a week, eat something every 3 hours, lots of water (at least 4 glasses per day), never eat a meal in less than 20 minutes- this is how long the brain takes to realize you are full. The more you weigh and the longer you've been overweight- the slower your brain is at this

Thats exactly what I was going to say. 800 calories is just not enough.

I found for me, I cant make any foods off limits - it makes me want them more, and then when I finally break down, I'll eat a ton of it. I cant "diet". It just doesnt work for me. So if I want something "bad" I'd have it, but just count it in my calories for the day. And I found that by allowing myself to indulge in something bad once in a while, I didn't crave those bad things as much, and would rather be full from a good healthy meal, then starving with only one slice of pizza or something. And by doing that, I lost 40 lbs last year.

Hi SaltShaka. I have to agree with everyone who said 800 calories is not enough. I never in a million years believed that eating more would help me lose weight, until my last pregnancy. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and I had no choice but to completely alter my eating habits. For my baby's health, i had to eat every three hours to keep my blood sugar stable. That didn't mean eating huge, full meals every three hours, just small meals, with healthy snacks in between. I went back for a check up about 10 days after starting my new way of eating, and I had lost 7 pounds- WHEN I WAS 6 MONTHS PREGNANT. I was floored. I didn't continue those eating habits after the baby was born, and went back to eating as little as possible and working out, and never lost a pound. My body was holding on to every calorie, because it didn't know when it would get more.

What it boils down to, is you have to eat to lose weight. And that's what I'm working on now.