Hello,

My name is Kat and I'm currently 273 lbs. This is the largest I've ever been in my life and I'm miserable. I really have no one to talk to or no one that supports me. I've moved from my home (Hawaii) to Wisconsin a few years ago, met my current boyfriend and we're currently living together. He failed to mention to me that he wasn't into "larger girls" until we were already heavily involved. He likes his women 6ft tall and a size 3. I'm 5'8" and a size 22. He swears he loves me but I've been through so much my whole life struggling with weight.

My parents were never supportive, I was always the biggest in my family. My sisters were never over a size 9 and even after pregnancy with 3 children my middle sister now weighs 105. I always heard "you're too fat to play sports" when really they didn't want to spend the time that needed to be committed to taking me to and from said sport.

My boyfriend has said some extremely hurtful things in the past and I've even been suicidal because I can't seem to control my thoughts. I take something small that he's said that he may not have even meant in a bad way and I turn it into something huge in my head and it eats at me. I've gained about 48lbs in the last year and I'm extremely scared.

I just wish I had someone to talk to that it didn't seem like I was dumping all my problems on someone else. We've all heard other people drone on and on about their problems and get bored or frustrated listening to them because they seem to repeat themselves. I don't even have anyone that will listen at all. I have a membership at the YMCA and by the time I get off work all I want to do is sleep. Is there anyone out there that just needs someone to vent to and needs to vent to someone who's a good listener?

PS sorry for the mini novella

Hi Kat and Welcome! Glad you joined us.

Sorry for all your going through and your right it is easier when you have someone who supports you and understands. You will find lots of supportive people and tons of information and advice so hang around.

Remember we do this for ourselves first - everything else is just

To success!!!!!

Kat ~



My heart goes out to you.

You may want to check out the Depression and Weight Issues area, where a lot of strong people are working through their depression while trying to lose some weight.

If I know anything about 3FC it's that everyone here is a good listener. Vent as you need. Wherever you're comfortable.

Are you seeing a doctor to talk to as well? They can be of so much help. When you say that you can't control your thoughts, it leads me to believe that a professional couldn't hurt. As this doesn't seem to just be a bad day, but a sinking hole.

Don't hesitate to continue to post. We'd all like to get to know you better.

I start seeing a therapist on Sept. 3rd. I've been to 4 different therapists in the past and none of them worked out for various reasons. I started seeing one when I was in the military and that was a HUGE mistake. Yeah he had credentials but he wasn't what I'd call professional. He basically belittled me and made me feel like crap because I couldn't "control" my own mind. I gave up seeing that there was no hope in help at that time. I then seen a therapist once I got to Green Bay and was referred by my doctor so I should have been covered under my insurance, but they denied it and it cost way too much. Granted how much is your sanity worth? Well, if you're not making unlimited amounts of money $300 sessions are too much to ponder. Then I tried seeing someone here at the University where I work and the first two times I went she kept stressing that "this is only a temporary option" It took me a LONG time to get this messed up, I doubt two weeks worth of therapy is going to fix me. Again, I lost hope and quit going. Now is my fourth try, hoping that I can find someone that can actually help me. My first appointment is Wednesday after next and I wish it were tomorrow. Thank you for your replies so far. It feels good to know people are out there willing to offer ideas and support to get me to the right place.

I wish you all the best with your new doctor, Kat. I'm sorry to hear that you encountered trouble the past times you reached out for therapy.

I've heard a lot of people say "One thing at a time". Right now, it may be best to focus on healing inward out as it may be. But, that's not to say you can't do little things to improve your physical health, too. Given that you ended up at 3FC, it seems obvious that you'd like to drop a little weight. Have you given thought to any things you'd like to try to accomplish this?

I've gained 48 lbs in the last year. I want to lose around 123 lbs and be down to 150. I know it's possible. I doubt I'll ever be smaller than that. I see the pictures of myself when I was younger and much much smaller and wonder, WHY did any of those jerks I grew up with harass me so badly. I look at those pictures now and would LOVE to be that size. I'd love myself at that size. So that's the size I want to be again and I'm going to start today, going to the gym and I blew lunch but I'm going to look to the future and make sure dinner is healthy and proper proportions. Even though I'm 273lbs. I can do 3 miles on the ellipitcal machine in about 38 mins. Last year, I was walking 6-8 miles per day but when winter hits here, it hits HARD and it's like hibernation mode starts and I honestly don't want to leave the house. It's pitiful. I'm from Hawaii. Now that I get negative 10 +/- winters.... I just want to hide.

You're already doing things! Wonderful!

I can't even step on an elliptical machine without becoming exhausted. I'm a treadmill sorta gal. But, I live in New England, so I completely understand what you mean about cold winters. It's one of the reasons I make my routine on the gym equipment instead of just outdoors. (Although an occassional outdoor walk is always lovely!)

I love that you said you're going to make sure your dinner will be healthier. Since it's so easier to say "I'll start tomorrow." (And we all know how far away tomorrow is.) It's refreshing to read that you're focusing on the next meal.

It's so funny that you mention seeing those old pictures and wishing to be back to them. (Who hasn't done that really?) But, I was just thinking about a particular old picture of me when I was 13 or so, and I thought I was just the hugest thing since huge was created. Granted, I was about 200+ pounds, but.. but I wasn't as ginormous as I remember feeling. *shakes head sadly*

Everyone's got family issues, but it is particularly painful when those family issues involve being ridiculed for being larger. Nothing like those closest to you telling you in so many words that you're not worthy of anything because you don't look like you "should".

But anyway, to end on a happier note: What do you think you'll be making for dinner?

Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad. Sounds like it could be a horrible choice until you realize I don't eat dressing, and the chicken really is grilled, by me on my grill. I always buy low fat cheese and I unfortunately I don't eat onions or tomatoes so I'll end up eating romaine lettuce with low fat cheese, grilled chicken and my downfall, a small bit of croutons. It's hard to give up the carbs! What are you planning for dinner?

A grilled chicken salad with a little cheese and croutons sounds just lovely

Ya know... I haven't thought about that, yet. (Oops ) I'll probably have some chicken marinated in a bag with baked carrots, potatoes, peppers & mushrooms. And I'll most likely have a wonderful delicious fiber one bar for dessert. I know... I sound like a grandmother talking about delicious fiber one bars, but I have to admit, if you've never had one, you don't know what you're missing!

This site is a great support system that doesn't judge just listens and helps so we are all happy to have you join us! We all need someone who understands