[ladyjane]

Hi all.. I was a member for a brief time several years ago, however I was upset by something someone said in response to one of my posts and I asked to have my account removed.

Seems silly really, what my post was about had something to do with calorie content and purging. Basically I was at the beginning stages of bulimia and I was trying not to admit it. I had several responses from people here telling me I had a problem and that I needed to deal with it. Obviously I was hurt and upset by that, because at the time I didn’t think I needed help.

Several years later, I still consider myself not a full-blown bulimic, but I obviously have a problem. I binge and purge because I have no willpower. I can stop, I have, when I go through these "I don't care about anything" phases, and then promptly gain the same 10 pounds back that I've been fighting for three years.

But no matter what, even if I don't purge for a month, I'll end up going a full two weeks of throwing up three times a day. I need to stop, I need to gather and strengthen my willpower.

The thing is I know I can do it. In 2001 I weighed 206 pounds. Around my birthday in February I began dieting for the first time in my life. After six months or so I got down to 157 pounds by exercising and eating around 1500 calories a day. Over the past couple years I gained back 20 of what I lost, and I’ve been unhappy that I never made it to my original goal of 140.

Fast forward to 2007, I’ve become environmentally aware and have begun growing my own organic vegetables. I eat healthfully, but I eat a lot, and if there is chocolate or cake in the room, look out. My biggest issue now is that I live with someone else. My husband is thin and healthy, and can eat anything without gaining an ounce. It’s difficult to see all his favorite foods in the fridge and having to avoid them and eat yogurt. I also have a much more stressful job now, and if I’m having a bad day I feel the need to reward myself with pizza.

Not having willpower is leading to other issues. I am losing that wonderful confidence I gained by looking fantastic all those years ago. I miss that. I also feel like I’m constantly lying to myself. I don’t want to become that kind of a person.

[JayEll]

Hey ladyjane, Glad to see you back!

Please feel free to drop in to the Chicks in Control forum. You'll find it on the main Support page.

Sorry that you didn't like what you heard on the forums back then--but often people call it like they see it here. Of course, no one should be rude to you, even if they are speaking frankly. If anyone is disrespectful, you can report it via Private Message to a moderator or administrator.

I don't have to tell you that your problem is pretty serious. Have you tried to get professional help? Lots of therapists these days specialize in food issues, so there is a lot of help available to you.

Good luck with HEALTHY weight loss!

Jay

[ladyjane]

No, no professional help, only because I don't think I'm that far gone. I mean that, I know everyone probably says that, but I honestly can say its true. I have gone days, weeks, etc without throwing up. The only time I tend to do it is when I start a new diet.

I learned years ago that most overweight people are perfectionists as strange as that sounds. I'll start a diet, and go good for two or three days, then I have the "night out" or "stressful day" when I go nuts binging. Then of course I feel guilty about what I just did, so I purge. I know my whole issue stems from low self-esteem and my will power problem (or lack thereof). I know that in the cases above I have to fix the route of the problem before I can address the purging. I need to not freakout over stress, and I need to make better choices when I'm out. If I eat right to begin with I wouldn't even consider purging.

I just can't seem to stay focused, but this time I'm going to try my damnest. I'm going to try honesty first and foremost. I promise I will not throw up anymore--ok, unless it's alcohol induced ha ha--ever again.

Thanks for listening though. I know if I cannot follow through with my promise I will seek help. I guess right now I just need to focus on baby steps.

Oh, and originally no one was blatantly rude to me. I guess I knew I was letting myself develop a disorder but didn't want to hear it. Maybe that was my first cry for help even though I didn't realize it? Well it brought be back here, whatever it was.

[CousinRockingChair]

It isn't about willpower..it isn't about you being defective or lacking in anything.

The behaviours you described are very typical of someone with an eating disorder, and it sounds like you need to think about treating yourself as someone who needs more selfcompassion and maybe some outside help, not thinking of yourself as someone who is weak, flawed or lacks motivation.

I know it probably isn't my place to say it. But I've had eating disorders for about six years, and always feel compelled to ... i don't know. Butt in, I guess! I just hate the thought of anyone suffering from it

love
emily