merry meet
Hello everyone I’m Kelly, new comer to the community. My story isn't epic but it is my own. I began the battle of body and mind about 6 years ago, my 14th year I was hit with depression that opened up the door of masochism. What a deep dark world that is (in this case at least). I wasn't conscious of my body until I was 12; I went shopping with my mom and bought a pair of junior size 9 pants. In my adolescent mind I still believed the thought of "oh this item is bigger, that means I’m bigger and older-like" reflecting I see this was very out of place. I was a tall 12 year old thankfully so that size clothing wasn't horrendous, but it still reflected some negative affects. I was an extremely picky eater, subsisting on frozen meals, cheese, and bread with not a fruit in sight (well on the orange tree in the backyard). I remember going to the doctor and my cholesterol and BP was extremely high, especially for a little girl. In the midst of puberty and experiencing public school (was home schooled) for the first time, my eating became more compulsive and began to show in my body shape. After a hellish road trip with my mother and old best friend for a month I became very suicidal and had gained 10 lbs over that month from living on junk food and sitting on my ***, to counter these things I developed an eating disorder, bulimia. Over time it became increasingly severe and tangled with drug abuse.
When I met my Boy things calmed in me for a bit, but that subsided after a while and I fell with a nasty bout of Anorexia. Dropping about 20 lbs in the course of a month and a half, I was enveloped by my OCD mind. I attempted to recover about two years later which brought me back to bulimia. Finally in 2004 I made a full attempt to truly recover, seeking professional help and all (wasn't worth it, just made me realize how little faith I have in the medical community) for almost two and a half years I’ve been pretty stable. That is until I left home, I know it's common for people to gain an average of 15-20lbs first year away. Thing is I gained that 20+ in about a month... not so average.
I’ve long held on to the thought of getting back to my low weight in a more healthy manner but it's always been driven by the disorder masked as reason.
Revelation
So what has changed? Well I have recently become very objective about my self image. I see that I am not any of the horrid terms I used to label myself (fat, ugly, etc) I am technically in my healthy range for my weight but I am not comfortable in it, so I’m changing it. What is driving me now is health, I want to live a long long time and I realize that my body has to be prepared from now on to live long. So I’m setting out on an epic journey I’ve dreamt of but never had the courage to commit to.
I know this is going to be one of the hardest things I ever do and I’m going to need support and that's why I’ve come here :]
This is one of the most supportive communities I’ve ever seen and am very excited to get to know everyone.
Love light and blessed be
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