Ack, QP! This may be harsher than what you were looking for, but if I were saying what you're saying, I would hope someone would give me a caring kick in the backside and shout a loud, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" in my direction. So here goes...
As to your pessimism: If you start this with the attitude of, "I know I'm going to mess this up again", then you will mess it up. Bad attitudes like that create self-fulfilling prophecies. I know we're all experts on being our own worst critics, but you need to forgive yourself and move on. It's your life we're talking about. And you need to believe you are worth the effort and that you are capable of following through. You have two options as I see it: take care of the only body you're ever going to get or don't and face the possiblity heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and/or death.
There is never a "real reason to eat junk". That's absolutely a choice you make. Here's an analogy I've been using for myself. If I had a child and was responsible for their health and well-being, I wouldn't give them crap to eat just because they really wanted it. Why? Because that's my job as a parent. Well, why would I do any less for myself? Just because something inside of me really wants junk food, I have to be strong enough to say no. Sometimes it's no small task (I've been a complusive eater for years), but I am the only one who is 100% in charge of what goes in my mouth, regardless of what my emotions are telling me. Period.
I think you need to take a long hard look at why you want to lose weight, change your attitude, take responsibilty for your actions as they relate to your health, and take control of what you put in your mouth. You're the only one that can. And you owe it to yourself! Many of us have been in your shoes and have undone all of our weight loss, so I say these things because I know, I've been there, and I care. You aren't pathetic, you're human. But you need to realize you CAN do this! So make a list of why you're worth taking care of, the benefits you'll realize by taking control of your eating, and start looking at this from a positive perspective.
This is an AWESOME place for support and ideas. Use us! We'll hold your hand, help you through the rough patches, and cheer you on when you do well. And, when you need it, we'll give you a caring kick... I hope you stick around and post. You are worth the effort.
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