I need some help and I figured this was a great place to turn to for some help.

I'm STRUGGLING BIG TIME right now.

Background (with full-disclosure)
My heaviest weight was 278.9 pounds in March 2012. I started IP August 21, 2012 at exactly 240.0 pounds. By March 31, 2013 I was at 167.5 pounds, my lowest weight EVER. The next day my DH and I left for our first week long, all-inclusive vacation. I had done a RUSHED Phase Off, with the intention of going back on IP when I got back.

Long story short, in July and August I was 100% Off Program and gained back 30 pounds (topping the scales again at 202.4 pounds.)

I weighed in this afternoon at 173.5 pounds. My ultimate goal is 170 pounds (but my coach wants me to hit 165 before phasing off, to give me my buffer.) I have spent the last 3 weeks at 173.5 pounds.

I haven't been completely On Program, but I haven't been ingesting any additional 'bad carbs' (it's been mostly additional protein.)

I'm clearly SELF-SABOTAGING so I don't hit my goal. However, Phase 1 is NOT a lifestyle (as much as I would like it to be, as I'm 'comfortable' here.)

My coach told me I need to break through the mental barrier, I need to 'really want it' and I need to lose weight this week or she's going to phase me off anyways.

I'm TERRIFIED of actually hitting my goal. My whole adult life (since 16 years old) has been about being overweight. Everything BAD in my life is tied to my weight loss. I've been dreaming about losing weight for years, etc, etc...wash, rinse, repeat.

What happens when I finally finish, when I finally hit that weight loss goal. What will I blame all the bad things in my life on, what will my life look like now that I'm not obsessing over losing weight?

Honestly, I don't think I EVER thought I would lose weight or be at my goal weight...I don't know what to do with myself now. Add to that, I'm currently unemployed and my self-esteem (while should be at an all-time high) has done a nose-dive lately and I'm a wreck.

So...does anyone have any advice? I know that perhaps I should be seeking some form of counselling, but I'm not sure that's in the cards right now. I need to find a resource to help me get through this 'rough patch' and get my head on straight so I can figure out what to do with my life, I can set some goals, free up some of this 'brain' for other things.

GAH...someone must have something they can add or have some words of empathy and understanding?

First of all, take a deep breath and give yourself a mental hug. You've come such a long way just in terms of being self-aware enough to know you are self-sabotaging and to know essentially what your issue is, I.e. what will you blame bad things on if you can't blame them on your weight. Some folks go through a lifetime and never come to such profound realizations about themselves. There are lots of self-help things out there, especially cognitive behavioural therapy books/programs that can aid in changing a mindset. You might look at The Beck Diet Solution and see if maybe that is for you. In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself. You're going through big changes and a ton of introspection. Give yourself time. You deserve to be at a healthy weight.

I realize you already mentioned this in your post, but I think you really should be in therapy (with a really good therapist) as it does sound like you have a lot of issues that need to be addressed (not all weight related). I have a feeling based on what you wrote that you are setting yourself up to be a serial yo-yo dieter, and that you might find yourself gaining all the weight back that you lost -- and none of us want to see that happen to you. It's too hard to lose the weight to begin with to allow yourself to self-sabatage. Believe me, I have been there and done that. I do wish you the very best of luck and hope you find happiness in your future though. In terms of finding finances for therapy, see if there is something else in your life that you can do without for a while on a temporary basis. In any case, I am sorry you are in so much pain right now.

You've already made some big steps. You've identified that you have some fear. OK, so now what? Fear is just an emotion, you can choose to take control over it and make a different choice. Fear only stops you if you let it. There's a great book called Feel the Fear and do it Anyway. I highly recommend it!

Also, check this out http://www.johnmaxwell.com/uploads/g..._It_Anyway.pdf

I have a sneaking suspicion that there is also an issue with feeling worthy of being and staying at your goal. Some self esteem work would be helpful. I agree that some counselling would help, but at the least, surrounding yourself with supportive people and taking advantage of that support is a good step. You have support here as well.

Repeat after me: I am capable and worthy of being healthy, well, and at my goal weight for the rest of my life. (say it until you believe it!)

I totally agree with Avalon and Cindy. In terms of boosting self-esteem, perhaps you should also look into some form of physical activity. Yoga? Strength training? Swimming? Zumba? Now that you have this new body why not focus on doing things you couldn't do when you were heavier. Exercise improves mood and focus. Plus when you feel better you want to eat better. Like Cindy said, you are capable and worthy of being healthy, well, and at your goal weight for the rest of your life. Deep down you know that or you wouldn't have accomplished loosing all the weight you have...now you just have to adjust to it, lol.

Don't let fear hold you back from fully embracing a healthier lifestyle. Don't worry that people will make snide comments if they see you getting more active. Those comments most likely result from THEIR own issues. (Like Madonna said "I'm not your B** don't hang your S**T on me!)

But seriously, take it easy on yourself and breathe. You've come such a long way. Take some time to figure out how you want to live in your new body and don't look back. Good luck!!

Extra weight is the excuse we give ourselves toavaoid something else. I remember when I lost a whole bunch of weight before. I couldn't handle the extra attention. I didn't have anymore excuses. I have never stopped from letting my weight get in the way of most things. I have realized that people love me for me.
Earlier this year I went on a whole bunch of dates. At the weight I am now. It was a great experience! Made me feel wanted and sexy. It made me realize it wasn't the weight. It was me and my inner talk to myself.

We all have our demons.......

You have worked so hard.......and you deserve every moment of it! Be strong.

Many of us suffer from emotional eating, and it will be very difficult to maintain effectively once we get close or to goalweight until we source the reasons for our emotional eating patterns and deal with them. There is an online coaching/counselling program called 'Shrink Yourself 'which provides counselling for this. It was created by Dr. Roger Gould, author of the book by the same name. I've found it useful. Visit www.shrinkyourself.com. There is a fee for the full service, but you can pay in installments. You can also register for free, and take advantage of frequent 'insights' and 'tips', which are also helpful. I've attached a booklet I downloaded from their website called 'Emotional Eating 101'. You may find it useful.

Eve pet thank you for the link! Emotional eating.... That is me for sure!!!

The owner of my gym does seminars on self-sabotage and I've been learning about the mental barrier a lot.

Good job, Humber in recognizing your patterns of self-sabotage..this is the first step in trying to rid yourself of repeated destructive habits.

Everyone deserves to be happy and put themselves first.

Check out this video as it may be helpful for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iA50SM2gYY4

It's time to set a new goal. I know that's scary because, as you say, the weight is a barrier that gives us excuses not to do or try or put ourselves out there. It's time to make the leap and have something new to strive for. Losing weight has given you a sense of purpose but so can a lot of other things.

What have you wanted to do in life but used your weight as an excuse to not try and see if you could do it? See, I don't agree with getting a counselor if the problem is self-esteem. There is only one way to get self-esteem, to earn it by impressing yourself with yourself. No chatting with a counselor about every crappy thing that ever happened in your life will give you that. Start from where you are and pick ONE non weight-related goal. Tackle one singular fear with all the gusto you can manage and when you overcome it (and you will), you'll find that rush of power that will propel you into the next thing.

Humans need to feel purposeful. Losing the weight proves you can do hard things and battle your own demons. Now apply the strength you don't seem to realize is already in you to a new dream. If it weren't a scary proposition, it wouldn't be worth doing!

This article was a really good tool. I highly recommend it. There's an app for your phone too!