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If your mom's criticism comes from a place of love maybe you could have a serious conversation with her? I feel like you did that last year maybe? Explain that you are learning to trust your body the way that she trusts hers and it might entail you eating more and more often (because you have a different body) and how her comments make you feel. It sounds like a very challenging situation. |
I'm really struggling today. I am so lonely and my weight is definitely holding me back from finding a partner. What do you do with that? It's not all in my head- people aren't as attracted to obese women as those who are a normal weight. How do I ignore that so that I don't play the "change your shape / change your life" game? I don't know how to feel better about myself without dieting.
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I could give you all the platitudes about how people should be judged by who they are and not how they look, and all of that, but I'm sure that's of little comfort to you right now. The reality is that doesn't always happen. That said, I do believe there's someone out there for you. I wish I could give you more advice about how to avoid the dieting trap. As it is, I still find myself fighting it, but for a different reason. I know that I need to get some weight off for health reasons, so the "you need to go on a diet" keeps niggling me at the back of my brain. I know what will happen, but it's still hard to ignore. |
I've been thinking a lot about what Locke said, and my heart really does go out to you! I wish I could hug you!
But she's right. I'm treated much better at the size I am now than I was when I was a size 26. My jean size never changed my personality, it just changed people's perception. It's not right, it's not fair. I can't really give you advice on how to avoid this, as most of my reasons for weight loss were for vanity. I still fall into that trap on an almost daily basis (my friends are very bad for diet thoughts). I also feel for Palestrina and her mother. My relationship with mine is much the same. She worries when she notices she can see my chest bones, ribs and my collarbones are too severe. But at the same time, if she sees me eat something she deems "bad", I get told I'm getting chubby and need to watch myself. Rocks and hard places are where we live it seems. |
(((Locke))). I found something interesting on my journey. There IS a difference in the way men look at me now vs. When I was 130 lbs. But, I am slowly losing weight and have found that the ways in which IE has changed my attitude about myself have made a big difference too. I am still quite obese, but men have started approaching me and talking to me again.
My only explanation is that I am so much more positive now and somehow that is felt even by strangers. I'm even in a relationship. Who'd a thunk it?? (((Palestrina))) and mom. Mother daughter relationships are just so complex. I am grateful for this new thread and sorry it has been so long since I posted. I wound up being quite I'll with the stomach flu. I couldn't eat normally for over 2 weeks. Needless to say that so many cravings came back as soon as I was well. I indulged many, but didn't binge or judge myself. This would have never been possible before IE. I would have binged and binged. And hated myself for it. I think of myself as a very slow success in IE. And that is ok. This is very much a process and my journey doesn't need to look like anyone else's. Actually, I think that is somewhat the point. Wishing all the very best..... |
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Beginme it sounds like you are doing awesome. I totally agree that this a process. Speaking of process, Im having trouble these few weeks because its swim lesson time. I have to put on a bathing suit every morning and go out among other moms who have all had just as many kids as me but somehow look way better in a swimsuit and see there I go comparing myself like I KNOW I shouldn't do. It's so hard though. Also I have mom stuff going on again. mother daughter relationships are definitely complex. I have been doing some anxiety eating the past few days. I am still walking and have added in some bike riding and I am loving it. I am still journaling and gaining insights into what I am eating and when. I am discovering that I am still mostly eating things I don't like! Often times I eat whatever I made for dinner while promising myself I will get desert later so I can have something I like. It's funny how I never saw that pattern. So, I made a list of food I really like and Im trying to just eat those foods for now when Im hungry. So yep, there is my process so far. |
One other thing, Locke, I've read so many of your posts. You are a beautiful soul. Just believe in yourself. You deserve to be loved. You WILL be loved.
And Pink, I am so sorry you lost a member of your furry family. I lost my dog 7 years ago and I still miss her every day. |
Beginme, thank you. I have lost too many furry family members and I still miss them. We are actually going to get some fish next to fill our pet void. Im hoping I won't get as attached to them but still be able to enjoy them. Knowing me though, that probably won't be the case. I seriously just get so attached and invested in my pets.
So, I had a mini binge tonight. The first in a long time. I did want to beat myself up but instead I pondered it. I think the sequence of thought events went like this: "wow, I am looking really good these days, I can see the results of my walks, stronger legs, smaller waist, flatter stomach yeah! I ate a lot of junky food this weekend, I really need to go on my walk this evening, I really don't want to go on my walk but if I don't I will lose all the benefits and I will gain a bunch of weight because of my junk eating, but I really don't want to go on my walk, but I HAVE to go on my walk or I won't look good anymore... you know I am SO hungry for some chocolate, and some peanut butter, and a donut, and how about another donut with peanut butter on it?" And then I felt like I couldn't stop eating and I was STARVING. But I wasn't. Physically I was very full. I finally managed to step away from the food and think about why I had the urgent need to eat and I realized I had been having dieting thoughts again and had applied them to exercise that I used primarily just to FEEL good. Not look good. And it took me straight to the peanut butter jar. That is how powerful dieting thoughts are for me. super sabatoge. It's hard not to have dieting thoughts as I lose weight and tone up though. It makes it harder sometimes and I feel a lot of pressure like I am walking on a tightrope and if I mess up I will gain all my weight back. I know that is how dieters feel. I have to stop caring about my weight but its so hard. Anyway, I went on my walk once I realized what was going on, I walked to enjoy myself and feel my muscles working and moving and I feel better. I will try to be more aware but its hard. I stopped weighing myself so I wouldnt trigger weight loss diet thoughts but I can see how I look in the mirror and see that my clothes are fitting more loosely. Process process process. |
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Maybe that is intuitive for me? Idk. |
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Thanks Hungerwerks. I definitely find I still sometimes don't feel like going for a walk or a bike ride but I always feel so much better about halfway through it and after it that I do it anyway. Its a huge mood booster and its really been helping me through a typically very anxious time in my life. Yesterday was my bike riding day and I really didn't want to go. I am working on building up my leg strength though and I didn't want to miss a day so I went and I was really glad I did. My dh bikes about 60 miles a week with his bike commutes to work and I want to be able to at least somewhat keep up with him on our bike rides on the weekends. it's a good goal and it keeps me motivated. If I tell myself I need to get out there to burn calories or fat, well nope. I will stay at home. I have been eating the foods I really want to eat and I find that now its so much easier to eat mindfully with no distractions because I love what I am eating. I think I had a hard time eating mindfully because I was eating food I didn't like or want at the time. My eating experiences have been mostly high satisfaction although I still find myself eating things I don't like occasionally because I don't want to waste it. Still working on that. :) |
So I realized the other day that when I get hungry, even though I have been doing IE work for a couple of years now, that I am not asking myself the right question.
I have been asking myself SHOULD I eat? Instead of Am I hungry? I guess that is more relying on external sources and more diet mind. Like "should I have a bowl of cereal at 9 pm? I went on a bike ride, my lunch wasn't too big, I ate lots of vegetable today, but I did have some sugar after dinner..." No, I need to remember to just ask Am I hungry? And I am not doing the hunger scale for now, I think that actually messes me up more. It makes me doubt my hunger like "oh well I don't think Im at a 3, maybe a 4 I better wait". Instead of just am I hungry? yes or no. The other night I was planning to have a bowl of cereal after my bike ride in the evening. The time came and instead of my usual "should I have my bowl of cereal" Instead I just asked myself. "am I hungry". Shockingly, the answer was no! Now every night I have been asking myself that and the answer continues to be no. Its ok if one of these nights it is yes, it is just crazy how much it changes things and yet how obvious basic IE it is to ask myself if I am hungry. I guess I got too complex with the hunger scale. That changes it to a should for me. Should I eat if my hunger is only at a 4? should I wait for it to be a 2? No. It doesn't work for me. Anyway, just wanted to share. I am re reading and highlight Overcoming Overeating again and I continue to find new insights that I didn't find the first 6 times I read it. :D |
Hey everybody, I posted in here a little over a month ago. I wanted to start transitioning from calorie counting to eating more intuitively. I got some really good support and advice here when I aked about trying it, and I wanted to thank everyone here and let people know how it went. I had a week long vacation where I decided to start and just completely cut out calorie counting. On vacation, I maintained with actually a slight decline in my weight, and coming back from vacation it continued to slowly cut out calorie counting and started trying to rely on my body signals.
I've been maintaining and the scale is still going in a slight downward direction very slowly! I feel really good about this, and I'm not afraid I have to calorie count forever. Calorie counting was really good for me in the beginning, and right now I'm using it more as a journal to look at what I'm eating, if I bother to put it down at all. I wouldn't say I follow IE completely, for example if I'm hungry at night but its too close to bed time I'll just drink water instead of eating... Cause I find eating too late gives me restless leg syndrome and I can't sleep :/ So I'll wait h til breakfast. I hope this is an encouragement to you guys, and thanks for all of the advice. It was honest, it was kind, and ultimately I think it was very helpful :) |
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And don't think that by not eating at night that you're not IEing - as a matter of fact that sounds completely intuitive to me. Knowing that eating at night will cause RLS is a very intuitive decision. If you were a hard core IEer you might try to adjust your dinner to keep you a little fuller at night so that you are not faced with hunger before you go to bed but otherwise we here all do the same thing - I don't eat at night because it causes acid reflux, so I avoid being hungry at night by making sure I've eaten enough for dinner. These are just kinks. Intuitive eaters aren't weird or bad, and we're not at home stuffing our faces all day either. We just try to trust our bodies. |
@Pink- That's a great distinction. I go by "shoulds" a lot more than I'd like.
@Sense- That makes sense to me. Sometimes I'll be hungry before bed but I don't want to eat. Since I don't really need the energy for more activities I'll just go to bed without eating. To me late night eating does not come naturally. I usually just notice that I need to eat a bit more for breakfast the next day. |
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