Relationship advice?
 

Hey everyone. I just needed to come here both to vent and ask for advice.

My boyfriend and I started dating about 2 years ago. At the time I met him, he was still with a girlfriend at the time and living with her. To make complicated story short, things ended soon after I met him, yet she continued living there until about a year ago. Fast forward to the present. She is still calling him on a weekly basis - sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. It bugs the crap out of me! They were together 5 years, and I know sometimes it's hard to let go, but still. It bugs me to no end. My boyfriend has a son, and his son goes to see her once in a while, which really pisses me off. She is NOT the mother of his son, so I don't see why she wants to see him. She acts like she's still dating him!

And what makes me even more mad is that my boyfriend and his son went over to her family's house for thanksgiving!! He said he is friends with her sister's husband, and that's who invited him, but I don't see why he would even want to do it.

I have not told my parents a lot about him because there are a few things they won't like about him. He is 28 (I'm 21), is Hispanic, and (as you know) has a son. I don't know how my dad is going to handle that, although my mom knows a lot. I get mixed messages about how she feels about it. So obviously he couldn't spend the holidays with my family.

Another thing, I was kept a secret in the beginning (duh, because he was still living with her). He has made progress and is now telling all his friends I'm his girlfriend and has introduced me to his son (he wanted to wait a while until after his ex moved out to introduce me so his son wouldn't be confused or anything). Thing is, he does not want the ex to know about me (she found out about me right after they broke up, and he told her we were just friends, so she wouldn't do anything to ruin his chances of getting custody of his son). So earlier this week we got in a huge fight because I got upset that I couldn't go to his house until after she picked his son up and left, because his son was going to go to her apartment for the night. He thinks it's stupid that I'm upset, but I don't think it is. I think it's totally legite for me to be upset. He also has not told his sister or brother-in-law about me. That part I totally don't get.

I don't know, do you think I'm being a psycho for being mad that he still talks to his ex (I do know, however, that he rarely answers her calls - I've heard a couple of their conversations because I was in the room and he never calls her)? I don't think that I should be kept a secret from her either. Or his sister. It's only confusing his son even more. But he is SO STUBBORN and won't listen to me!!

Don't get me wrong. I am NOT considering leaving him, because I am very happy with him. I spend just about every day with him and his son, and this is the happiest I've been in a long time. I just can't get the stupid ex to BACK OFF. He said she just wants to see his son once in a while, but I don't like it.

I don't know...this was really long, so thanks for reading. Any advice would be appreciated.

Honey, before anyone else comments here......

1st, read that thread Tweetyandme just posted (the apology one). Then, go back and find the thread that she's talking about. Read it and MAKE SURE you still want our advice.

Other than that, have you thought of cutting the brake lines? (JUST KIDDING!!!!)

I will take any advice, but I can't promise that I will follow through with any of it. I'm open to any suggestions, but it is ultimately me to make decisions. I'm not asking whether or not to trust him (I know he is being faithful), or whether or not to leave him (as I said in my post, I am overall happy, there are just a few things that piss me off...just like any relationship).

LOL about the brake lines. That would definitely make me feel better...if I did it to the EX! :D

Yup, that's what I meant :)

Like they say..."Once a cheater, always a cheater"... AND he's STILL keeping you a secret from his ex! Watch out, girl. Watch out.

Like I said in my 2 posts, I know he is not cheating, it's not even a question. I'm with him all the time. And trust me, i've heard the saying before, so I've spent a lot of my time making sure nothing is going on and I have checked his phone bills (w/out him knowing), and there is nothing suspicious.

I know this is a bit different, but my family still spends most of my holidays with my mother's sister even though my mother died when I was younger. So my father and stepmother, neither of who have blood ties to my aunt and uncle, are still very close to my mother's side of the family. I guess what I am trying to say is that relationships can be complicated and persist even when the original connection isn't there. I don't think it is necessarily bad that your BF continues to be friends with his ex and that his son has a relationship with her. Children don't always understand the machinations of adults and if the son has a good supportive relationship with the ex, why break that up because of romantic changes?

That said, I think it is really strange that you have been together for 2 years and he still hasn't really brought you into his life. I can understand that it might take awhile, but it seems like unless he has a REALLY good reason, it has been long enough. If he isn't ready to stand up to the world and say you are his GF, when will that happen? What exactly is he waiting for?

Yes, that's what I've been trying to get out of him, but he keeps saying "the time is coming, just be patient. I'm not ready". Really everyone knows we're together EXCEPT his sister and brother-in-law and his ex. That part I really don't get. He's willing to tell all his friends and his son about me, but not his own sister or his ex? That's just so weird to me. I do know his sister has told him that he should take it easy and stay single for a while...I don't know if that's the reason he's holding back in telling her. But it still irks me.

This may sound harsh, but I would give him an ultimatum to introduce me to his family or I'm gone. Stick to your guns girl..... Men are sneaky!!

How true! There have been talk shows on TV that have similar stories. If the man is keeping you a secret, then there's something there.

You didn't mention the mother of this little boy, only that the ex isn't the mother. Where is she in all this? How can his ex mess up custody?

Also, if this little boy is spending time with her, how do you know he hasn't mentioned you? You didn't mention his age. Little kids can't keep their mouths shut most of the time.

Does he know you haven't mentioned him very much to your own family? If so, perhaps he's having some of the same feelings that you have about him.

I have a couple of thoughts. The first is that you are angry that he hasn't introduced you to his family but yet you haven't introduced him to yours. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? It's sounds to me like you both have some things to work out in this regard and maybe you should stop pressuring him about this until you feel ready to reciprocate.

As far as his ex wanting to see his son, I think you may need to be a little generous there. If they were together for 5 years, especially living together for part of that time, she probably established a pretty close bond with his son and his son with her. She probably cooked his food, played with him, went to his school events, disciplined him, consoled him when he was upset, etc,--everything a caretaker would do. The fact is, she probably was like a mother to him. It can be very damaging to kids to suddenly lose a relationship like this and they often think it is because of something they did. If you become the wedge that prevents the son from see her, that isn't going to help your relationship with the son, which is going to be critical to your relationship with the father. I think it is probably healthiest for everyone if the son is able to maintain his relationship with the ex.

As for Thanksgiving, if your boyfriend couldn't spend it with you does that have to be a sentence to spend it alone? Most people like to be with friends and family on holidays. When I couldn't spend Thanksgiving with my boyfriend, I spent it with friends (ironically one of the friends was his ex, but that's another story). This sounds exactly like what your boyfriend. Since you know he isn't cheating on you, I'm not sure why you would begrudge him this. It does seem a little petty and selfish to me.

If you know he isn't cheating on you, why does his contact with his ex bother you so much? It doesn't sound like it interferes with your time together and it sounds like they are friends. Don't make your boyfriend choose between you and his friends, that's a sure way to end up with an ex-boyfriend.

I'd have to guess that you are going to get burned bad. You say that you know he isn't cheating because he is with you all the time... do you really want to live that way? I used to think that was alright as my husband and I were together most of the time for a long while. But I never gave him a chance to build trust and I ended up being very paranoid about him.
Inevitably, you cannot spend every moment with this man to be sure of things.
I can tell you from my own experience, that IT IS A **BAD** SIGN when the man doesn't want his ex to know about you. There is something going on that you don't know about, and I would guarantee it.
You say that you are happy, but I would question how happy you really are since you even have a question like this.
If I were you I'd get rid of this guy and tell him to enjoy his ex.

I would be leery of this situation for a couple of reasons. First he doesn't want the ex to know about you. That sets off an alarm with me. If he isn't still involved with her , there is no reason for her not to know of you. Second, along this same line is why can't you be there when she comes to pick up his son. Although you say "I'm there with him all the time", this doesn't add up. I'm not saying for you not to give this a chance, but just be aware that the SIGNS are there. I totally agree with Amanda, in that you KNOW somethings not right or this wouldn't have came up. Feel free to completely ignore me if you like, I have had my share of dishonest marriages and relationships. Wishing you all the happiness you desire.

You say you have "checked his phone bills" this alone shows that you have suspicions.

If you trust him so much, why do you have to check his phone bills?
He cheated on her with you, and he was in a long term relationship with her- what makes you think he won't do the same to you? Did he tell you that? I bet her told her that too...

Exactly....the crap he pulled with you behind his"ex's" back speaks volumes.....not a great catch in my mind....I feel sorry for his son...it must be very difficult for him.....the whole situation sounds sketchy...

Liz

Frankly, it sounds like they're still dating too.... & you are the one being lied to & allowing it, blindly trusting someone you know full well isn't trustworthy.

Boy, My 3fc Friends Are So Smart!!

Ok first of all, he is NOT still with her. Trust me. There are a billion reasons why they broke up, and I know he would never want to go back with her. AND my best friend is semi-friends with one of my boyfriend's ex's friends, and I know a lot of the things that are happening right now. They are not together.

Second of all, the reason he continued a relationship with me while he was with her is because he TRIED to break up with her, but she would not let him. She even threatened to kill herself if he left her. He was basically trapped. And with his son in the picture, he couldn't just up and leave. (Do you see now why he does not want to tell her about me?) He didnt have enough money for that, and he was paying for a lawyer - the breakup was happening while he was trying to get custody of his son. I do understand this and no one will change my mind how I feel about this.

Third, I was very suspicious of him in the BEGINNING of the relationship. I was concerned that he would cheat on his girlfriend of 5 years (what made me think he wouldn't cheat on me? blah blah blah), so I did some things to make sure he wasn't doing anything. From time to time I WILL check, because the trust, I don't think, will ever be fully there.

Fourth, yesterday I did find out that his son did open his mouth and now she knows. She is now calling me non-stop and calling me a b*tch and whatnot. I asked her why she has such a problem with it and why she can't just move on, she said she didn't want to and was hoping that some day he would realize what he lost and come back to her. I can see now why he didn't want her to know about me, she really has issues with herself that she needs to take care of with a counselor or something.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I did have a long talk with him last night about his sister not knowing and stuff. I think things are solved, and I'll be meeting her sometime during the holidays. So things are good now. :)

LaBonita... what is dating?

It is when you do things together, spend time together, talk to each other, call each other, share your lives with each other, are friends. When your family is aware that you are seeing each other & you are both spending time with them too is a big part of how serious you may be with each other (at least outwardly)

Isn't it?

It seems to me that he is dating BOTH of you - he's not being exclusive. Whether their relationship is sexual or not anymore is irrelevent, Whether or not he wants to be with her permanently anymore is also irrelevent. They're dating IMO.

He's probably feeding her as many lines as he does you, to keep her hanging on as long as he wants/needs her to for whatever reason.

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way??? You (anyone) deserves MUCH better.

But then, by allowing yourself to become serious about a man who was living with & involved with another woman & keep that relationship hidden for such a long time, you sort of set yourself up for this. You KNEW from day one, that he was capable of cheating & lying - and perhaps should have expected that it would come back to you eventually.

People make mistakes, People fall in love with others who aren't always the 'right one'. Please open your eyes & follow your gut feeling that things aren't right, and let yourself move on so you can find someone that deserves you.

Some of the best advice I ever heard was to consider the purpose of dating. If it is to find out whether the person is a match-a good fit for your life-then really think about the situation. It doesn't have to be that either person is bad, but just that it isn't what you choose for your own life. How do you want to live the rest of your life?

I'm married to a guy who travels about 3 days a week. He is a great guy, but he wouldn't be a good match for everyone. I need to be comfortable being on my own-things always seem to break when he is gone, the kids get sick, etc. If someone decided that wasn't what they wanted for their lives, it doesn't make either one of them bad-just smart to realize that there is more to a relationship than love. There are practical considerations.

I personally wouldn't choose a person who had all the complications in their life that you describe with your boyfriend. Who needs the jealous ex's, the drama, etc.? Dating is usually the time in a relationship where each person bends over backwards to make the other person happy.

My thought is:

The only reason his ex is still in the picture is because your boyfriend wants her there for some reason. If he didn't want here there, he would stop taking her calls, change his number, stop associating with her and her family, stop having her take care of his son, etc. Sometimes breaking up a relationship means breaking up friendships as well or at least limiting those friendships to where an ex wouldn't be. Spending thanksgiving with her family because his friend was there? Yeah I don't think so. It does sound like you are setting yourself up for some future pain but I hope not.

obviously, NO ONE read my last post. i'm happy, he's NOT dating both of us...END OF STORY!!!!!!! i did not ask for advice on whether or not he's still dating her. thank you bluetoblue for your reasonable advice and for actually ANSWERING my question, it seems you and only 1 or 2 other people actually truly read my post.

CLOSE THIS THREAD PLEASE

All I'm going to say is be careful. There are now stalking and harrassment laws out there, you and he may want to check them out, if you are feeling threatened at all. Don't wait until it gets out of hand. (if it hasn't already) Trust me, I have experienced this first hand. Not that I'm saying that she is a stalker or anything. But better to be safe than sorry I say.

Maybe you should have put a disclaimer in your original post....
PLEASE ONLY GIVE ME THE ADVISE I WANT TO HEAR
People are only sharing their thoughts and experience.
Liz

it is not only the advice i want to hear. it is the advice that I ASKED FOR. but no one actually read my post and answered my question. they just jumped to the chance to tell me something completely different.

LaBonita - I'm sorry you're spending your time with someone you don't think you'll ever fully trust. :hug:

If things are out in the open now, then I hope it all goes well for you.

u said any advice and that is what thay did.I think most of these people just want u to be careful that the same thing doesn't happen to u.

People are offering advice on EVERYTHING you've written, not just a single question. You've provided a lot of information here about your relationship, and we're all just trying to consider the whole story. I have read everything in this thread (and I haven't been following from the very beginning, so it was a lot of reading to do all at once ;) ). Here is what I've gathered:

You basically are having issues with your boyfriend, and you want to only blame the ex (with small amounts of blame on him here and there). This is normal--nothing wrong with hating the psycho ex. Here's the thing: if she were completely gone and out of the picture, would everything really be perfect? Would he really have introduced you to everyone? Would you have introduced him to your family?

Another giant factor here, in my opinion, is his son. I have to wonder why, if your boyfriend knows this woman is such a psycho that she has threatened suicide and would call you with threatening messages, he allows his young, impressionable son to spend time with her? This, to me, calls into question the quality of father he is, which is a HUGE red flag in my book. If he doesn't even protect his own offspring from a psycho, what makes you think he makes good decisions about anything else? I know it's not specifically what you asked, but again, an outsider's observation that you may want to take into consideration.

And I agree with 2frustrated--I'm sorry you'll never be able to trust the one you love. I know what it's like to feel suspicious and untrusting, and it is NOT a good feeling. If you can't get the trust issues sorted out, then it's a long, bumpy road that lies ahead. I'm not saying you need to dump him immediately because of it, but it is something the two of you should air out. You should never have to sneak around behind his back to check his phone bills and such--that's not normal, nor is it particularly healthy. I've been there, done that, and we had a huge blow up about it once, and things have been a million times better ever since. I no longer check the phone bills or his bank statements or anything crazy like that, and I don't ever ever ever want to again feel like it's something I have to do.

Whether he is cheating or not isn't the question. In fact, it didn't spring into my mind even once. The question is...who does he really care for and love? He obviously doesn't care keeping you in the closet whatsoever but he sure goes the distance to keep her happy. I don't know him or the situation personally but it sounds to me that his heart might just be in a different place than yours is.

I would leave him. At least that would show you if he actually loved and cared for you or not.

Oh and one more thing...you have to 100% trust a person for the relationship to go anywhere.

You can't have a relationship without trust! Sorry but that is fact. If he's only your boyfriend and you can't trust him fully, then what does that say for your future with him?

He may not be "dating" his ex...but it seems he sure doesn't seem to want to let go of her either. When it's over it's over...so what if he was close to her family...if he is not "with" her then he needs to let go and be done with her and her family. But it sounds like he's not so if I were you...I would be careful. I would take all the advice here from these ladies...sounds right on to me. I know it sounds so cliche but they do say "Love is blind" and I think with you being in love with him you are overlooking everything he does because you don't want to lose him. It just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me and that is JMHO. Good luck :hug:

Thanks for the advice girls. I never really thought of him as a bad father. I have heard his son repeatedly ask if he can see the ex, because I realize they created a great bond during the 5 years she helped take care of him. So I guess I understand why he's letting him keep seeing her. He did tell me he's trying to keep her away from him more and more...he didn't want to just take away the relationship out of no where. His son enjoys being with her, and while I may not like it, I think I'll have to deal with it for a while until eventually he just stops seeing her. As far as the trust issue goes, I realize a relationship can't work if it isn't there, and it's something we're currently working on. It hasn't been perfect, but we're getting there.

But thanks again for the advice.

Labonita, I understand that you want things to work for the two of you. If he makes you happy, then that is what counts. Maybe the two of you could lessen the visits with the Ex slowly, maybe her just see him for an hr. or two at a time for a while, instead of overnight. Kind of gradually having you build up more time with the son, so that he gets a lot more used to being around you , instead of her. The more he is around you and his dad together, the more he will begin to think that this is the new "normal". Good luck anyway. Plus, the less time she spends with him, the better it will be for you and dad. And, the more trust you will be able to build with him. Hope that makes sense.

I have been through a similar situation. When me and my (first)Ex divorced, my son was 6 yrs. old. I allowed him to continue to see my son for overnight visits with him and his parents for a while. (He was not the father of my son, but they did have a close relationship). Eventually, I remarried and so did he and over time the visits stopped.

See, to me, this sounds normal, but when the ex has suicidal tendancies and obvious anger outburst issues, I just don't think it's safe to leave your child with them. Who's to say she won't snap on the kid if he happens to say something nice about his father's new girlfriend? Or that she won't throw a tantrum or attempt suicide while the child is around? I don't know--to me, it just sounds like she's quite unstable, and I know I wouldn't trust the life of my own child in the hands of someone in such a state. And who knows what kinds of bad things she may be saying about you (the new girlfriend) to the kid when they're together.

I understand that the kid may be asking to see her as well, but as a parent, you have to know when to draw the line. Some kids would ask to eat nothing but candy 24-7, but we, as adults, know it's not good for them, so we don't allow it. A parent should always act in the best interest of the child, even if the child doesn't understand why it has to be that way at the time.

But, to each his/her own, I suppose. Maybe I'm just thinking in an overprotective manner.

Jillybean, I hear what you are saying. I didn't mention that with my second Ex he also gave me the old song and dance that he couldn't completely sever ties with his Ex GF because she threatened to commit suicide. Found out later that this was a big fat lie. Truth was, that although she married someone else and he married me, they carried on a mutual affair for over 10 yrs. Turns out that 2 of her 6 children, were biologically his. So, as far as the Ex wanting to commit suicide over the man, very possibly this is just his excuse to keep seeing the Ex and him not have to have the Cojones to break it off and make a choice. Also, like in the posters story, he was great friends with her family is the reason he told me that he couldn't stop seeing her or her family. So, all sounds too familiar to me. Wasn't trying to minimalize the situation, just trying to give the poster a little hope that maybe things can work. Who knows. It didn't work for me, but that isn't saying that it can't for someone else. We all have different levels of what we're willing to accept and put up with. I had my fill and got out and it was the best thing I ever did.

I think the situation I'm in is a little more complicated than I'm telling all of you on here. He is not a bad father by any means at all, and the fact that someone would say he is with very little information is really stretching it. I was offended by that comment, even though it wasn't directed at me. However, it isn't fair to assume that he's a bad father because he lets his son see her once in a while.

lilybelle - the son has seen her probably 2 times in the last 2 months. it's not like he sees her all the time, but when he does I just make a huge deal out of it. and the son has been seeing me with my boyfriend pretty much every day the past month or so. it's not that she sees him more than me - i never said that - i just don't like that he sees her at all. but like i said, slowly her time with him is starting to wind down so until then I'm willing to be patient.

now that i said that, jill, lilybelle's and my situations are really quite similar...and "normal". yes she did say she would kill herself, but i highly doubt she meant it. i think she was very upset about the breakup, and I have been in a similar situation myself with a past bf. i threatened, but i wasn't serious. i certainly would NOT call myself a threat to anyone, and saying that just because it was threatened doesn't mean i'm "dangerous". i think she said a lot of things to me and him in the heat of the moment without thinking. i think we can all say we're guilty of that.

Labonita, thanks for clarifying. I thought you meant she was with him "very often". That this is one of things that was angering and causing you grief.

Like I said, my 2nd Ex said his Ex GF threatened suicide when he'd try to stop seeing her. She is still alive and well, never attempted suicide . It was just an empty threat.

Also, Labonita, if I asked for relationship advice for me and my DH and described all the financial crap that I have put up with over the past 9 yrs., the Ex wife and her crap, the 4 step-daughters and their crap, Any sane person on this board would tell me to leave him. LOL, but I've had 2 divorces and don't intend to add to the ever-increasing Divorce rate again. We all have to pick our battles. No marriage is PERFECT. Because, we as humans are not perfect. We all have different things that we're willing to seek compromise on. My DH is good to my kids, works hard and is faithful. But, he sucks with money. After 9 yrs. I have given up on changing him and try to cross each hurdle as it happens. My motto now is just to just try to be prepared. (I'll mention that he's not out wasting money, he gives it to his kids whenever they ask and is enabling them to continue to be irresponsible.) Our most recent fight was where he paid $700.00 to pick up hot checks for his 24 yr. old DD because she had hot checks all over the county and warrants out for her. He is a state trooper and it was an embarassment for him, for the local sheriff's department to be trying to pick up his DD. Also she has a 2 yr. old and a 6 month old baby. I am not excusing his behavior or hers. Just stating the facts and letting you know that I put up with crap that others say they wouldn't. However, they haven't lived my life. Haven't changed their names multiple times. Havne't changed homes, school and the lives of their children more times than they care to mention. Aren't in need of a life-saving liver transplant that they depend on their DH"s insurance to pay for. Sometimes, you have to just write a list of the pros and cons and base your decision on what would be best for the future. It's easy to say, "dump that loser" if you aren't personally involved in the situation.

Please don't get offended--everyone's entitled to an opinion, and I (like everyone else who made observations you didn't agree with) was basing mine on things you'd said, such as:

"I just can't get the stupid ex to BACK OFF.

I can see now why he didn't want her to know about me, she really has issues with herself that she needs to take care of with a counselor or something.

She is now calling me non-stop and calling me a b*tch and whatnot."

Without any additional clarification (which you added later--thanks :) ), she sure sounds like a psycho to me ;) Like I think lilybelle was going for in her last post, it's difficult to come here and ask people who are very much outside of the situation for advice and then present all the bad issues--we don't see the good, so we have nothing more to base our opinions on than what is here. Please don't get upset about not liking someone else's opinion based on limited information--you know the WHOLE story, so feel free to completely disregard anyone here. I think all opinions here are valid based on the bits and pieces of information provided, but again, no one knows as much about the entire situation as you :^:

In any case, the advice that I've provided to real-life friends in the past works for just about any situation and particularly here: if you have to ask if what's happening is wrong, then it probably is (or at least some aspect of it). That doesn't mean the whole relationship is necessarily wrong--just that things need to be let out in the open and worked through (I'm so glad to hear you guys are working on the trust issue--like I said, I've been in an untrusting situation, and it can be soooo draining!).

Bonita,
I hope your situation does improve because I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have someone else involved in the life of you and your boyfriend. It was one reason that I refused to date someone who had a child, I didn't want an insta family nor did I want the drama that went with it.

Lily,
I think you bring up a good point in that if you are in a relationship, you do need to work out issues. Some issues though can't be worked out or may be too much in order to progress further into the relationship. Some people continue relationships even if they aren't very healthy for them. In hindsight, I've had a lot of relationships that if they were continued, they would've been very bad for me and the other person. Once you get married, things get complicated though and I wish people thought more about marriage before entering into it.

I myself am a little confused. Why ask advice when you dismiss everything and in the end just say that we don't know what is really going on? You should've known that from the beginning when asking the question. We go by what you tell us. You made her sound half insane. I'm honestly thinking that the original post you made was purely out of jealousy and anger. Niether of which I can blame you for. But now you are talking "better" about her and even your boyfriend. I'm not sure whether you are just trying to make us think that your boyfriend is a better man/father than he is or if the first post you made him sound like a butthole just out of anger. Either way, if you don't want advice, unbiased advice and experienced advice, don't ask for it. But don't blame everything on the ex, your boyfriend has just as big of a part in this as she does.

As someone else said "love is blind". In some cases, that is completely true. You are the only one who knows what is going on. Please just re-read your original post and you can easily see how bad it makes your boyfriend and your ex sound. If you leave parts out then...our opinions probably won't make you very happy.