My sister (27) and I(25) (both are married and have 2 kids each) have been quite hurt by our parents these past couple of years. To start from the beginning...we had a great relationship with our parents, they made time for us, we seen them at least a couple of times a month(even once a month was great), we talked on the phone at least once a week. Now since they have moved to a different town things have change drastically.

My mother went out and got herself a fulltime job (honestly this is not the problem at all), we know and accept that she isn't around as much. Both my sister and I live 1 hour from our parents and we hardly see them anymore.

We have gone three months without seeing them before and 3-4 weeks without even talking to them on the phone. My mother doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with that. This summer we only seen them twice, the one time was because I had it out with her on the phone one day and told her how it hurts us that we hardly see them and how they aren't making much of an effort to see us and arguing back and forth that it's hard going from being close to them to not really having much of a relationship, and her saying that we haven't accepted that they have changed because they both work full time and have their own life and that as they are getting older they are changing too....which ended in her phoning us the next day to come over for supper. And the second time was at a family wedding.

My mother goes shopping at a bigger center at least a few times a month (the town where my sister lives) and hasn't been to her place or has even called her in 4 months. My sister is always hearing from her friends or in-laws that they seen our mom and dad in town....but she never does.

I understand that they aren't raising us anymore and they have thier own life....but to do things like not go and see my sister and her family for 4 months when they are there how many times a month (not expecting them to go everytime they are in town), or not even to phone and see how their son-inlaw made out at his Dr.'s appt (possiable heart condition or seizures??). They never even told us that our 16 year old cousin was moving in with them, they never told us that mom got a job (found out from someone else after she had been working there for a week). Little things like that don't seem to be important anymore, we feel like we are thier for their convience. Not entirley expecting it but they only asked for our kids once in the past year to spend the night. Only living an hour away from our parents , we just thought we would see them a little more.

We could probably see they all we want if we were to always phone them and go over there, which has been the case since they have moved there. But we are tired and hurt of always having to do it.

Are my sister and I out of our minds, or not?? I would love to hear back for some suggestions and advice.

Thank you

I wish I had some. My parents did the same thing to me the moment I moved out of the house, it was like I was no longer a part of the family. They would have family birthday or anniversary parties and not even tell me! People would be in the hospital, and I'd hear from them that so and so is out of the hospital now.. and I'd be like, um, okay but when were they IN?
I just chalked it up to my parents getting weirder and weirder as they age. i guess I'm not the only one going through this though. 2 years ago they decided to up and move overseas and I somehow doubt I'll ever see them again. The only bummer is they took my teenage brother with them and I really miss him a lot.
I think some people think that once their kids are grown, their job is done or something. Sorry I don't have any answers, but you definitely have someone who understands here.

Hi Lindsay,

I really don't know what to suggest, since you have already voiced your displeasure to them.
I do have a few questions though-when you've called your parents in the past little while, has it usually led to you giving them a hard time about not seeing them?
I believe that there is always 2 sides to a story, and I can't imagine parents just ditching their adult children and their grand children.
What was your relationship with them like before? Do you have any other siblings other than your sister? How's their relationship with them?

I know my own relationship with my parents isn't as good as my sister's relationship with them is, and sometimes they all do things that confuse and hurt me. It's taken me a long time to see my own part in the negative part of our relationships, but it's there., and I'm working on it.

The other thing I believe, and this is something I'm working on in all areas of my life, is that if you're not getting the results you want, change the way you're approaching the situation.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Crappy parent relations can surely cut the deepest.
Enjoy the good things in your life!
and take care
Tracy

It's always something isn't it. I feel like I am on the other end of this sort of situation. One daughter who only seems to call when she wants money or something. And then also we call just to say hi or how are you doing, and she selectively choses whether to answer her phone or not. We try, but what are we to do if they choose not to answer their phones? I guess I sort of wait for my kids to call, because I feel like I am bothering them if I call.

Not knowing the dynamics of your family I can only guess ~ did possibly raising you both consume so much of their time that they didn't have time to "be themselves" and maybe felt suffocated? Maybe now they are just enjoying their "freedom"? Maybe in time things will even out. Prayers for you and your family.

How about YOU call them when you feel like it's been too long - and make plans for a visit (even if you have to go there)

If you are missing them, then do something about it! You don't have to sit and wait for them to come to you, ya know.



Perhaps they feel that they're invading you & your sisters life if they invite themselves over. Maybe things'll change a bit since you've brought it up... is this the first time you told them you want to see them more?

My father is very non-communicative. If I didn't keep in touch with him and if I didn't talk to my stepmother, then we would probably only talk a few times a year. For example, my father has only ever seen 2 apartments I have lived in (I am 33) and he has never visited my current place, while my stepmother has been here on numerous occasions.

I realized that it isn't about me or how much he cares for me, but that he just isn't that type of person. Being a parent didn't change the fact that he isn't a great communicator. We often have a vision of how we think parents should behave when often times as people they are not that way. When they no longer feel the responsibility of having to do something then their personal tendencies may take over more. You may just need to settle to the fact that if you want a certain level of communication then you will need to be the one to maintain it.

I have periodically brought it up in the past that "we don't see you guys anymore and it would be nice to get together a little more" and all she came back with was "well we 're busy". I can understand that they might want time to just theirselves and have their freedom...but it going on for two years and it always getting a little worse as time went on???? I guess time will tell.

I just know my sister is to the point of not phoning them or even going to go down there. It is suppose to be a two way street and if we are the ones to ALWAYS phone and go to them, then I don't know how long that will last.

Just some effort on their part would be wonderful.
Thanks for all your replys.