Abusive Relationships?
 

Is there anyone else who is a survivor of an abusive relationship? Whether it was physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal? Do you feel it affected your eating and/or your self esteem?

With my ex it slowly crept up. We were together for about 13 years. I had always been kind of overweight but not like this! It seems to me that when his health began to spiral out of control, high blood pressure, overweight(6'4, 340 pounds) and smoking that he really began to lose it. He started blaming me and the kids for how horrible his life was, started regretting we ever even had them! (We have 5) And my self esteem went from normal to 0 over the period of a few years. He started getting emotionally abusive then it started slowly getting physical! The day he threatened to beat me up cause I had forgotten to put a non op on the car was the day i realized this wasn't going to get better and I needed to get me and the kids away from him and his uncontrollable anger!

I knew I never wanted my kids growing up thinking it was okay to let a man hit you or to threaten to hit you!! It is NOT OKAY to be scared in your own house!!! It was a tough decision to make and in the end he would not even go to counseling. He just got worse and at the height of our divorce threatened to show up at my moms funeral and cause trouble and also threatened my dad who is a vet and had lost half one foot to diabetes. He said he was going to cut off his other foot. My dad just laughed and said he'd be waiting! :devil:

My weight really soared and I managed to get up to 280 pounds without even noticing!! Anyhow I am in a much better place now with a man who loves me unconditionally and is the reason I actually started caring about myself and my health again. He made me feel beautiful even when I felt like a fat cow. He is wonderful, truly a gift from god.

Anyone else got a story? Feel free to share! :hug: :hug:

I can't believe he said that to your father! And threatened to wreck a funeral, no less? Wow, glad he's gone!

I know for sure it's nearly impossible to lose weight when you're dealing with high levels of stress and volatile behavior. Weight loss only happens for me when I have all my ducks in a row - minimal emotional stress, healthy boundaries with other family members, stable employment, comfortable home life, etc.

Well, I've shown a tendancy toward unhealthy relationships. STarting at 13. I wish my parents had distracted me from that boy... I mean, at 13, having a boyfriend that's 15, drinking and smoking. I can't imagine letting my daughter even socialize with him, much less think it's okay to have him as a boyfriend.

Anyhow...I had another horrible relationship that hadn't become physically abusive, but emotional, verbally, financially, etc. It WOULD have become physically abusive if I hadn't called my sister crying and she called my parents to tell them they were being neglectful in telling me that once I moved out, I could never come home. I was 22 years old at the time. Anyhow...I wasn't married until I was 35 and had one relationship after another where I was just being used and dumped...used and dumped. I didn't think I would EVER find a nice guy. But I did :D .

Did all the men in my life effect my self esteem? ABSOLUTELY!! I downright sometimes hate myself. Lots of green tea helps tremendously. I don't know why, but when I take my vitamins and drink lots of green tea, I'm on top of the world. :dunno: Did it effect my weight? No, but my daughter's paternal family did. I gained 50 lbs in a year and a half going through family court with them trying to get visitation (having my send my, then, 5-year-old on a plane to Florida all alone because they're JERKS! They lost. Case closed). I was SOOOO stressed out.

Hope that answers the question...you're not alone. :hug:

Techwife, How did your ex get custody? Sounds like a nightmare.

The father of my first 2 was financially and almost physically but I left before he hit me. He was (may still be ) a gambler. I was 21 when I left him and had a 1 and 2 year old. He thretened to hit me a coulple of times - the first time I put my fist back and said I hope you swing faster and hit harder then I do. The second time he pulled his fist back when I had both babies on my lap all i could do was cover them in case he hit me. Nedless to say I left. Now he doesn't see the kids. He says I stop him but he stopped coming about 4.5 years ago.

Yep been through it physical, sexual, emotional, And verbal i was with him from 16 (had our 1st baby) to 25 i've lived in batter womans shealtors and he would just keep finding me so one day i grabed my kids and ran 500 miles with nothing but a few paychecks i had saved up and our jackets
now that was 9 years ago and i belive this it has made me one **** of a strong woman... me and the kids are and have been very happy i found a wonderful man who had to break down a few walls around my heart just to get close to me
we are going on 6 year wedding anniv 12/05/2006
And to answer you yes it hurts when your told daily how fat and ugly you are and no one would want you with kids, i think thats why im so hard on myself when it comes to weight i dont ever wanna hear that hurt again and i KNOW i never will
love
Michelle

Carol: He never got custody...the grandparents were trying to gain grandparents rights and lost. The father is non-existent. The epitome of deadbead dad and hasn't been seen in 6 1/2 years. :dunno: At least that's over...and my daughter has a fantastic relationship with my husband and he's always been daddy to her since she was about 3. Its all in the past and I have half the weight I gained from the stress of it all gone...just 25 lbs to go!! :carrot:

707: Wow...that must really be YOU in your avatar. You certainly sound like Superwoman to me!! :hug: Good for ou!!

Yes, I am and yes, it has.

Food is comfort and was before and is now...even so many years after. It was the my "friend" during a dark time...

My first X-fiancee was emotionally abusive. He always told me what I could eat, and made fun of my weight. He's a Dr. now and his wife is a lot bigger than me. Good riddance to them both.
My first husband, slapped my son very hard in Walmart while we were Christmas shopping.(I filed a restraining order). I told him to move out. He pushed me down the stairs while I was 4 months pregnant. I picked up a broom and beat the crap out of him. Haven't seen him since. Good riddance to him. My DD is 14 yrs. old and has never met him, her father.
My next husband was verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive to me. I gained from 150 to 195 lbs. while we were together. He even went so far as to put a loaded gun in his mouth in bed one night because I wasn't wanting to have sex while he was drunk. I took the gun away and locked it up. I would have let him shoot his own sorry butt if the kids hadn't been there and it would have left a big mess to clean up. The night I left him after only 3 months and 6 days of marriage, I went by his favorite bar to tell him 'adios" and caught him coming out of a motel room with his arm around another man.

I have now met and married again and am happy. I love my DH. Life has calmed down a lot for me and my wt. is now under control. We have been married for 9 yrs. and my kids love their step-dad and both of them think of his as their father.

I just wanted to share something that another 3fc'r shared with me once. It opened my eyes in more ways than I ever thought possible. So if you're in a relationship that just doesn't feel right, and you think that nobody else could possibly understand, believe me when I say, you're not alone. :hug:

Dr. Irene's Catbox Forum

Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Website

Beverly

When I was 16, my 1st boyfriend was abusive, both emotionally and physically. He had a very very bad temper and was also abused himself by his own father which I witnessed. It scared me to see his father "lose it" like that.

One time my bf and I were arguing and he went to hit me, luckily his mom walked in at the time and got in between us and stopped him. That should should have been a MAJOR FLASHING warning sign to me, but nope. He never actually "hit" me, but he would grab me hard enough to leave bruising and he did push me a couple times.

It got bad to worse and finally I had enough one day and that was it. Well or so I thought. After that he would follow me when I was out driving somewhere, he would always find me, he would always be with a group of people, including his fiance at the time, they would be yelling out the window that they wanted to beat my well you know. They would even drive by my house, which wasn't near his at all and yell out the window dirogative things, they would yell it loud enough for my hard of hearing father who was watching the tv at a very high volume to hear it himself!

Yes I went to the cops several times they would do nothing about it because they said they would have to catch him doing it before they could do anything about it.

They even followed my friend when she was driving once, we went straight to the cops and again they would do nothing, even with my friend being a witness to it. (they would usually just do it when I was alone)

Finally I had enough and my dad did too and he called him and told him to stop following me or else he would be dealing with my dad every single day. It finally stopped!

It did affect me and my weight, only the reverse. I wouldn't eat. My mom would have to force me to eat. My stomach would always be so upset that I could not eat. Later on I found out I had 7 ulcers I beleive this experience contributed to that for sure.

Eventually I started dating someone else and once my ex and his fiance saw us and began following my new boyfriend and me!!! (my bf was driving at the time!) He slowed down and they finally passed!

I did have a confrontation with them, with my cousin and his girlfriend (also my friend) present. My ex's fiance talked the whole time. I told her I didn't understand why they were following me or even bothering me because I never bothered them. She kept saying she didn't like how "my ex" was "treated". How HE was treated?????? I didn't say anything to that because it would have caused a HUGE argument, but I just said, "Stay away from me and I'll do the same." She promised they would and she even said, "Maybe someday we'll be friends" I was thinking, "R U nuts lady?"

After that I never had a problem with them again. Fast forward years later and they showed up at my grandmother's funeral. They are friends with my cousin and I told my cousin after my ex and I broke up that I didn't mind they were friends because it was my ex and I that broke up, not him and his friend. (my cousin asked me if it was okay to still be friends with my ex) My cousin did ask me how I felt about my ex and his wife being at our grandmother's funeral. I said I didn't mind because after all he is friends with him, but that I didnt' want anything to do with my ex and his wife.

The funeral went fine, my ex even said HI to me. :rolleyes: But it was afterward. Everybody came to my mom's house after, including my ex and his fiance. I thought that was a bit much. I wasn't comfortable with that, but said nothing to them.

Then after they were already there, my cousin's wife came up to me and said, "I told them it was okay to come, is it okay?" I just said, "Well its too late now." I totally ignored my ex and his wife. I felt like I didn't invite them into my mother's home and I didn't have to speak to them. They didn't stay long and eventually left.

I don't have a problem with them, but I will never forget what they both put me through. I have forgiven them but will never forget it and I'm not comfortable being around them. I just am not. But I don't have a problem with them being friends with my cousin and his wife. That is their perogative. I just choose not to socialize with my ex and his wife.

Sorry this got so long!!!!!!

Great Thread!

:hug:

I feel like I could be the poster child for abuse.

It started the day my dad found out my mom was pregnant with me, he beat her hoping she would miscarry.
They split up when I was 18 months old. I went to live with my grandparents.
3 yrs old I was sexually abused by my uncle. (years later I found out I was one of 4 nieces abused)
From the time age 3 to 4.5 I was physically abused by another uncle. He would torture me when he could. So many trips to the emergency room.

4.5 to 5 I lived with my mom and her new husband. He would beat me with a belt, (he didn't want anotehr man's child to raise) I have a scar on my wrist from him holding it to a wood stove, 33 yrs later. My mom left him when he started hitting her.

I had to go back to live with my grandparents,,,and the uncles. My grandma died when I was 6 yrs old. I then got shuffled around for a few months. And eventually lived with my oldest uncle (who was a good man) and his wife and 3 small children. I would babysit for her so she could go and get groceries. During one of her trips, a friend of the family stopped by. Think the worst and that is what happened. And being so used to be abused I was scared of being in trouble of getting blood on a face cloth. (never said a word of this for 20 yrs, and in therapy)

I spent a year in the hospital sick with tonsilitous, they were so infected it poisoned my whole body(intestines). I almost died (yet again) and was given my last rite.

Came out,,went to live with my mom and her boyfriend (whom she later married) the sexual abuse didn't start till I was 8 years old. And went on till I was 15.
13 yrs old I beat a boy up for snapping my bra strap in school. Broke his nose and loosen all his front teeth. I was reported from that incident of having a violent temper. This temper carried through to dealing with the uncles. By 15 I had beaten both of them up pretty bad. And never once had a problem with them again. This rampage also includes my step father. He had to be hospitalized. Where was my mom? Well she was busy...working...as a child care worker....*snort Ironic eh? Her only words of the whole thing was I made this up and I was just like my (birth) father and being violent.
The boyfriends....
15 yrs old-first one tried to knock me around,,,I think I rattled his birdcage pretty bad, we didn't last.... but from what I heard, his next girlfriend had alot of bruises.
16th birthday, was drunk and best friends older brother took advantage of that.
17 yrs, I had to wear long sleaved sweaters, he was just a spoiled nasty boy. I couldn't break up with him,,,he was always threatening me with something, hurting himself/my little brothers/ his little brothers. He broke up with me at my best friends funeral. Figured that out myself when I saw him making out with someone else the day before.
I left home weeks after that. I wasn't done school so I did that on my own, working to pay rent by bartending (underage-but looked older) at night.
I graduated, not top of the class as I was before. But still did it. And found a good man, (21 yrs later we are still together) we have 2 boys.


My weight flucuated from super skinny to chubby. School pictures show that.
But after both pregnancies I gained, and gained more. Im more then double my weight of pre pregnancy. I buried alot of pain,,,with food yes. In my family there has to be something you use to help bury your problems I use food. The rest of them use booze and drugs. I tried using those but it wasn't my thing.
Then at age 27 everything blew up in my/our faces. I spiraled down into a deep depression. I took my antidepressents, and went into therapy. I lost most of my weight 70 lbs. We moved here, I hated it here, and gained it all back. Im an emotional eater. And am now in a Weight loss program, with councelling from a Dr.

A different spin on it...

Emotional abuse by my mother with sexual abuse by an uncle. To this day, my mom still thinks she's in some kinda competition with me, and refuses to acknowledge what my uncle did. But I spent about 9 years away from the family and have had a lot of counseling and have learned how to handle her better, how to not let her get to me. I could tell when I first moved back here, I almost moved back into some of my old eating patterns...but never gave up on the exercise. But she didn't get her hooks into me this time. ;)

My ex was abusive as well, but I didn't stick around for it like many people will do and get brainwashed into staying. Afterall, he couldn't hurt me nearly as much as my own family. I didn't really pack on my weight though until I was divorcing...and living with my mother. :(

i tend to attract abuse as well. started off young, around 12 and kept it going from there. sometimes i used to think - well as long as he doesn't hit me it's okay. Now, looking back on it I realize that isn't okay!
A lot of it had, and maybe still does, have to do with the fact that there is this little voice in my head saying - you're fat, you suck you should be lucky anyone wants to be with you at all. Even though I'm married for almost 5 years and we've been together for 7... there is still that little voice in my brain.
Because of abuse I was anorexic in middle school, and because of abuse I gained a ton of weight, which now I am struggling to lose. It's kind of weird how you can take things inside yourself and abuse yourself too. It's sad really.

For me, sometimes I think I'm looking for my husband to abuse me in some way. I keep waiting for it to happen, I question his motives, I instigate fights, I keep waiting for his temper to get out of control ... and sometimes I question if either of us is abusive to the other... I think once it's happened to you, you are always wary, always looking for it. I hope eventually it will fade away, but I won't count on it.

I think your dad has a great attitude!! :smug:

happydaisy : My dad does. He passed on the next year though in the spring. He was a vet and had grown up in a rough neighborhood, getting involved in drugs and criminal activities before joining the service. He did spend some time in jail for bank robbery before giving his life over to the Lord. So some young punk kid wanting to chop his foot off was just plain funny to him! I'd personally be more scared of my dad. :lol: I wouldn't be surprised if he is haunting my ex even now. *smirks*

lizziness:

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i tend to attract abuse as well. started off young, around 12 and kept it going from there. sometimes i used to think - well as long as he doesn't hit me it's okay. Now, looking back on it I realize that isn't okay! A lot of it had, and maybe still does, have to do with the fact that there is this little voice in my head saying - you're fat, you suck you should be lucky anyone wants to be with you at all. Even though I'm married for almost 5 years and we've been together for 7... there is still that little voice in my brain.

I can identify with that completely! My ex always had a bad temper and he would break things, windshields, hangers, his fist in a wall, etc and I always told myself well as long as it isn't me, etc. I should of seen early on though. I was like 3 months pg the first time he slapped me and that was before we were even married! I was scared and wanted out but I didn't want to go home either. I was more scared to go there. It didn't happen often. I think the next time was when a few years later when he got fired from his job and I was picking him up and the car wouldn't start. He got mad and slapped me! I was more embarrassed that people saw it!

He was also a truck driver and on the road most of the time so I do wonder how fast the marriage would of deteriorated had he been home all the time. He started getting abusive again around the time I got pg with our last one. Cause that was my fault ya know. ;) I remember being scared he was going to hit me in the stomach he was acting so erratic! I remember waking up one nite with a fist in my face because he had missed his dentist apt by being OTR and they didn't have another slot open for him while he was home and his tooth was in pain and well you know that was my fault to. ;) He didn't actually punch me but it scared the heck out of me!

Being with a guy since you are 16. Having 5 kids with someone. Being taught that marriage is supposed to be forever(I still believe it is but just with the right person) and it is a sin to get a divorce, etc. I knew I was still pretty and young enough, (I am 31 now) but I thought who the heck would want to be saddled with 5 kids not theirs and I had gained quite a bit of weight! I was like 250-260 at the time when Joe first came out(my new hubby). My confidence was completely destroyed. I thought I was the most hideous beast to walk the face of the earth. Thank goodness I met Joe and he helped me get thru all that. Even after he came out the pounds wound up creeping up but I was also going thru a divorce and dealing with two parents dying on me all at once plus working at a pizza place! Not good! Joe came out at the end of Oct 2004 and by the end of June of 2005 I had made a choice that I wanted to look great again. That I wanted to see in the mirror whatever it was that Joe seen that he thought was so beautiful and wonderful. I wanted to be healthy and not get sick and die like my parents did.

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For me, sometimes I think I'm looking for my husband to abuse me in some way. I keep waiting for it to happen, I question his motives, I instigate fights, I keep waiting for his temper to get out of control ... and sometimes I question if either of us is abusive to the other... I think once it's happened to you, you are always wary, always looking for it. I hope eventually it will fade away, but I won't count on it.

I know exactly what ya mean! Joe is so different it is amazing but you still get scared sometimes. I know last nite he was telling me I need to find him a dentist that is open on Sats and I have to admit I pulled away a bit and freaked a little. He was like, "What?" I can tell him anything and he knows all the crap with the ex but I just didn't say anything. I feel like I am overreacting ya know? lol I am here for ya if you ever need me hun! :hug:


almostheaven:

Did your uncle live with you? I am so sorry to hear that! I was molested as a child but do not remember who it was. I know how terrible that can be and I also feel that is what started my initial weight gain as a child. It was to protect myself. I also feel that now that I am losing it is because I feel I am in a safe place and after a lifetime of no one to protect me. I finally have my soulmate Joe. I feel completely safe with him. :D I hope you are not still stuck with your mom! :hug:

da fat n da furious:

I love your name!! I love the movie with vin!! :lol:That is quite a lot to go thru hun! I look at my life sometimes and I wish things had been different but I try to look at others' too and realize I am still fortunate. I am so sick of some men and where they think it is their right to touch a female or rape her. What the heck is wrong with society?!? When almost everyone you know or talk to has been abused in some way it is rediculous!! I am so glad you found a good man and are moving on. Counseling also helps. If you need me I am here for ya! :hug:

Sassy_Chick: That sounds like a nitemare. I hate it when family just can't be understanding. She sounds like a psycho chick and those two defo deserve each other!! Did they actually breed? hahahah :hug:


boiaby: Thanx for the links i will look at that this afternoon!

lilybelle:

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"My first XX-fiancee was emotionally abusive. He always told me what I could eat, and made fun of my weight. He's a Dr. now and his wife is a lot bigger than me. Good riddance to them both."

hahahah Maybe he should tell her it is unhealthy to be that fat! hahahahah

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My first husband, slapped my son very hard in Walmart while we were Christmas shopping.(I filed a restraining order). I told him to move out. He pushed me down the stairs while I was 4 months pregnant. I picked up a broom and beat the crap out of him. Haven't seen him since. Good riddance to him. My DD is 14 yrs. old and has never met him, her father.

I am so proud of you that is awesome!!! Some kids are defo better off not knowing their biological father!! Were you hurt when he pushed you down the stairs?? :( What a jerk!!!
I HATE men like that!!

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My next husband was verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive to me. I gained from 150 to 195 lbs. while we were together. He even went so far as to put a loaded gun in his mouth in bed one night because I wasn't wanting to have sex while he was drunk. I took the gun away and locked it up. I would have let him shoot his own sorry butt if the kids hadn't been there and it would have left a big mess to clean up.

No kidding! I remember my ex it was superbowl sunday with the raiders and they lost, he got really drunk and wanted to go home and shoot the tv. I was scared cause of the kids that he would accidentally kill one of us! I had to go home and hide it and wound up sleeping in one of the kids rooms!!

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The night I left him after only 3 months and 6 days of marriage, I went by his favorite bar to tell him 'adios" and caught him coming out of a motel room with his arm around another man.

Oh my gosh that is crazy!! Did you ever have any clue before then? :hug: You know I am here for you too!!

I am so glad you have finally met that special someone. That gives me hope that I will be okay this time too!!

jenne1017 : :hug: to you too. I hope you have dealt with your past and are having a brighter future!!

techwife: That is great! My youngest was 10 months old when joe came along so that is daddy to her too!! The next two youngest call him daddy half the time to and have completely accepted him as a dad.

707Goddess: SO glad you got out! I tried to run to Mt but my ex filed divorce and child custody in Ca and we were forced to come back! Joe came with us though and now we have to try to see if the court will allow us to move to mt. My ex doesnt even bother coming to visit them!! This is after dragging me thru the dirt for a year trying to get custody to get out of paying kid support!!

Canadian Mom:

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the first time I put my fist back and said I hope you swing faster and hit harder then I do

Wow! You are strong!! lol "The second time he pulled his fist back when I had both babies on my lap all i could do was cover them in case he hit me." What a jerk! What the heck is wrong with these guys? So glad you got away! :hug:

phantastica:

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I can't believe he said that to your father! And threatened to wreck a funeral, no less? Wow, glad he's gone!

Yeah it got really messy! The day we were burying my mom he was purposely sending cops to my house with false charges just to harass us1 I am so glad he is gone!!!

Yes I am finally in a place where life is stable and I can focus on ME! :D :hug:[/COLOR]


Okay well I hope I didn't miss anyone. We are all strong women and remember there is also strength in numbers! there is no reason for any of us to have to stay in a bad marriage or relationship! We have to think of ourselves and our kids first. *hugz* to all of you and if anyone needs me they are welcome to pm me. Anyone else out there who would like to join in and share their story? Just jump in!! :hug: :hug: :hug: :carrot:

Thanks Jasmine, I think sometimes it helps us just to talk about what we have been through and overcome. I have always considered myself a survivor where men are concerned. If things get bad, I get out. I can take care of myself and my children and have gone it alone many times before. It just made me a stronger person.

Raised extremely Isolated I was VERY trusting, hense very naive. I believed whole heartedly peolpe meant what they said and had the best of intentions. At 22 I met and got involved with a very married man....He never mentioned this to me. When I found out, I tryed (in vain) to break it off. Sounds silly that I didn't, or couldn't, but he was 16 years my senior and I still believed him. He professed he told me straight away, I just wasn't listening...umm... sure! Ended up, he left his wife. They have a DD, she was 6 at the time. I had my 18 month old son from a previous relationship. My son was and stilll is relatively fragile. Born with sinusitus, chronic asthma, and extreme allergies. When this man offered for me to quit my 2 jobs and stay with my son having only to be his wife I was more than excited. I could care for my son full time!!! This came at a VERY heavy price. He was very strict with both children and made a very obvious difference between them. He controlled EVERYTHING. I had ZERO freedom. I was there to support him, his career, babysit his daughter, keep his house, entertain his friends, accompany him on his trips, etc. All while he told me how "lucky" I was. He "made" me into the respectable lady I was...I was just a run down waitress when he met me. He "saved" me....on and on. Bought me expensive jewelry KNOWING I would feel even more obligation to him. Would actually tell me I was "bought and paid for". Being the Trophy wife pressured me into a full blown eating disorder. He would "white glove" the house. Ask what I did all day but would never allow a job or god forbid school. Nothing more than an insecure control freak. Terrorizing everyone around him. I finally left after 6 years of this crap, intentionally waiting until my son was in school full time. I left with what I came with...minus alot of self-respect and dignity.

It took my poor DH 3 years to gain my trust...I still have plenty of issues, but thank the Lord my DH is very loving and very patient.

So many people tell me that I am such a strong person to have gone thru so much especially in such a short period of time. I look back and I wonder how I haven't completely cracked! Sometimes I have a good cry and a bit of a breakdown. Sometimes I get anxiety attacks and think I am losing everyone. I have a deep fear of abandonment! But my hubby and God are there to hold me together. If anything all this has been a wake up call to get healthy and enjoy life. With my ex I was depressed alot cause he was NEVER home. We never really got to play that "happy family". I always felt like I was waiting for him.

Now with Joe it is great. We enjoy even the simple things like taking the kids for a picnic at the park. Packing everyone in the car and going to the lake, or to see a drive in. Just eating dinner! It is like an actual family ya know

That is great! It is hard to do that! I know with my ex I should of gotten out from the get go but unfortunately sometimes you have to pick between the lesser of two evils. For most of the marriage despite the flare ups here and there I did truly feel like he loved me and the kids. Toward the end when it got bad and the verbal abuse started and soon the physical started to happen I am proud of myself cause I did get us out of there. I didn't want my kids to grow up thinking that was okay cause it isn't. I wanted my ex and I to get help and counseling but he didn't. That is okay. :D I am much happier for it! I am with a man who treats me like a princess. I never thought a guy could be so wonderful except when he was trying to get in your pants! :lol: You know what I mean! He is like this all the time! He is a few years younger than me yet way more mature than my ex and even me sometimes. He is responsible, thinks of us first. He was 25 when he met me and had about a dozen dead end relationships alread. Never once fell in love. As him and his friends got older and started settling down and having families, he felt left out and thought there wasn't anyone for him. He wanted to have a wife and kids and be part of a family. That worked out perfectly since we had been abandoned, IMO. :D

I could go on and on about Joe all day but I think you know what i mean. He is my soulmate and he feels the same way. :D

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I've had two abusive relationships in my life. The first was when I was a Sr. in hi-school. My boyfriend was verbally abusive; incredibly jealous & possessive of me. We fought ALL the time. He started getting physical toward the end of our relationship, and anytime he'd slap or push me, I would slap or push back. It could have gotten REALLY BAD if I'd stayed with him. When I finally got away from him (graduation couldn't come fast enough for me!) I was ready to go a little wild. Nothing extreme, no drugs or anything, but I stayed out late & partied til 3 or 4 am, etc.

Then, in my mid 20's, when my 1st husband & I divorced, I was involved with another abuser. I was already in an emotional funk from my divorce. And this guy's jealousy & possessiveness was as bad as the hi-school jerk. It took me a while to get away from him, but I did it.

That's when I decided - NO MORE - EVER. I would never be somebody's "beotch" again. When I dated someone, if he even so much as looked at me cross-eyed, or ever dared call me a name or act all possessive of me, I cut it off IMMEDIATELY. I decided it was up to me to not put up with being treated like crap ever again. I began demanding respect from the men I dated. Then I met a really wonderful guy who showed me what respecting a woman truly means.

I married him. :D And never once has he ever acted all jealous or possessive and he has NEVER raised his voice to me or ever acted in anger toward me. This is one of the many reasons I love him so much.

I feel very strongly about today's women teaching the children of the future how to be respectful toward one another - & especially teaching little boys to be respectful of girls. If they grow up learning it, they will not stray from it when older.

Stevi-rocks: Aww hun! That is alot to go thru! I am so glad youn seen thru it and got out! It sounds like it was a very high price to pay. I know how it is wanting to stay home with your son. My ex wanted me to work ft and I put my foot down and said I would do no more than pt. He hated that. My new hubby wants me to stay home and take care of him and the kids but not so he can be controlling. That guy sounds like a pompous jerk!!! I am so glad you got away. Lose more weight and let him eat his heart out! I am glad you found someone special to be there for you. Has he remarried since??

Stevi. Just looked at your profile! We are both s.a.h.m. and we both live in cali! What part are you from. I live in the high desert, about 100 miles from L.A.

Beachpatrol:
That is such an awesome story! My new hubby is so nice it almost scares me sometimes. Does anyone else ever feel that way like you are just waiting to see if he is as perfect as he seems? lol

I do know he is alot different just in the way he handles things. My ex never knew how to fix anything so that would lead him to stress then to anger and I would have to feel like I needed to make the problem go away so he wouldn't get upset. My new hubby has been fixing things ever since he got here. When he gets stressed, he goes out for a smoke, thinks things out, comes back and fixes things. they just handle everything differently!

My husband and I love each other deeply, have a fairly functional marriage, but as individuals, we are about as dysfunctional as it can get...
My husband has a past history of abuse from his stepfather. He never learned how to handle emotions or what is the proper way to argue, express emotions, etc...
Well, from the spring of 2003, I started packing on the pounds...fairly quickly - I gained 100lbs in 17 months. I finally figured out through counseling and help with my emotional issues that I was in a self-destruct mode because I did not know how to handle my emotional reactions to my husband and I could not handle his emotional abuse. My husband has never laid a hand on me and won't ever do it because he is determined not to perpetuate abuse. However, he is very good at starting arguments and completely degrading one's self-worth until nothing is left...and he does it all without name-calling too... He was truly unaware that he was abusive to me and didn't know how to be any different.
Things have been much better for the past year and a half... we both go to counseling (together and individually) and we have learned better ways of problem-solving, discussing, compromising, etc. We have both had to accept that our emotional reaction can deeply affect the other person and also I have to keep in mind that Chris is still developing coping skills and that his upsets usually have nothing to do with me (so I shouldn't take most things personally). I have told him that if things go back to how they were, it doesn't matter how much I love him, but I can't live like that and I will not allow myself to be treated in such a manner. He has accepted this and has made a geniune effort to heal from his abuse. Things are good now. Thank god...I don't ever want to self-destruct with food again, and now that I know that happened, I can be more aware of it in the future.

I wanted to let everyone know that the links I posted earlier are working again, they just had some server problems today. So if you were interested in checking them out, please try again.

Beverly

It was a nightmare, esp. since I was so young at the time and didn't really know what to do or where to go because the police wouldn't help! Yes those two definately deserve each other -- for sure! and yes they have bred!!!! Scary as it is! lol.

I'm glad it didn't work out with the Psycho! I am very thankful I met and married my husband, he is wonderful to me! :love:

Lots of :hug: for everybody who has gone through any abuse.......

P.S. Great pictures, Jasmine31/Sarah!!!!

No, sadly enough, he had had all 5 of his children taken by the state for sexual abuse, had sexually abused his sister, and there were rumors within the family. And yet, mom had his girlfriend babysit us. So guess who let him in while mom was at work? :(

I recently moved back to my home state, but it was with the stipulation that there be a bit of distance from my mother this time. I can deal with her on a limited basis. Even when I got on my feet after my ex took off, I lived only 5 minutes from her, and my step-dad who isn't much better (he's another story entirely). So this time, I had my brother find me a rental before we moved here and had him keep it in his area...45 minutes from her. He can only take her in limited doses as well. Neither of us remember our childhood...at all. And neither of us know what happened with our dad, why they split, any of that...and they ain't talking and telling us.

Sarah, I love the pictures...you both look so happy.

With all the abuse I have endured I don't let it get me down, not now anyways. When I was depressed it was triggered by a few things happening in our family and I just couldn't deal with everything.
BUT I still see the golden lining in that cloud. It made me a softer person, you would never catch me crying, that just wasn't allowed in the house. I am more accepting of others. Maybe cause I have walked a mile in some pretty horrible shoes...?
Ive had numerous people think I came from a fantastic childhood, because of my personality, which is usually happy go lucky. Ive done many things (taken the bull by the horns so to speak) have many friends, and a forgiving heart. I did not seek justice in any of the people who abused me, I let the circle of life take care of that, *What comes around goes around*

Looking back on my life.. and I've done this many many times.. it always flashes like a neon sign in my head... I've lived with constant abuse.

from my mother who nearly daily tells me how much she wanted to abort me to my elder brothers and sister who treated me badly.. from growing up with the the same siblings developing drug addiction to watching the family fall apart because of it, to friends who were only friends because of what I could give them but ran out on me when I was left penniless to an emotional and sexually abusive spouse... I'm even a victim of my own doing. To write about what's happened in my life would take a whole year but to sum it all up.. the abuse in my life is also like what most of you have written.

Abuse.. such a small word that takes so much out of a person. Dignity, self-respect and self-worth and countless of other things. Often people dismiss it.. suck it up and be strong but do these people really know what its like to be on the recieving end? Personally, I don't think of myself as a victim because I've learned from those experiences. A lot of tears and a lot of heartache is nothing compared to an act of another that breaks the core of your humanity. However, with love and time.. it heals all. I thank God everyday for the very few people that saw me through those tough times in my life.. and I thank God for all the people who have helped each and everyone of you as well.

Well, I see that Im not alone in this. Ive been going thru pure **** for the last 6 months or so. :cry: Thats why I havent been here posting. My hubby is emotionally abusive.

Here is my story:


I have been married for 10 years but weve been together for almost 14 years.

I had postpartum depression with my 1st daughter but with medicine it got better.

Then I got pregnant again 3 years later. I got postpartum depression once again and had a nervous breakdown. I was hospitalized and had to quit work. Thats when all the trouble started. It was financial trouble, stress of being a stay at home mom, and being diagnosed with depression and Fibromyalgia. We argued all the time.

I got fed up and left. My daughter was about 8 months old.
I was gone 4 months and he had moved another woman into my home after only 2 months. (I didnt know this at the time.) On New Years Eve I thought I would give our marriage another chance. I called and asked to come home. After some arguing he reluctantly said yes. The next day I found out about the other woman. Of course he sneaked out and seen her behind my back. I left again for about a month. We agreed it wouldnt happen anymore
and would try to make it work for the kids sake. Stupid decision!! :nono:


Hes an alcoholic who cant go 1 day without a drink. Ok make that at least a 6pack. Weekends its a 12 pack or a case. Hes took money out of our grocery money to buy beer. It makes me sick!!! We almost had a foreclosure on our home because of all the money trouble. Sneaking to the ATM and
withdrawing money left and right and hiding it. Making my checks bounce all over town and paying NSF fees at the bank. :mad:


About 6 months ago, he woke me up to tell me that he wasnt happy. According to him we dont do anything together, we dont go anywhere together, we have nothing in common and hes miserable. I started crying and he apologized saying it would be OK. Well that Ok went downhill quick.

On a daily basis all I heard was:
I was stupid, lazy, a bad mom and a bad housewife. The drs
shouldve kept me locked up in the mental hospital, Ive been sick since the day he met me, I dont have a backbone, I wont stand up for myself, I just cry to get attention and want people to feel sorry for me, my whole family was a bunch of inbred mornons who are lazy and hypochondriacs. All I
talk about is silly stuff like going to church and girl scouts, my opinion didnt matter because I wasnt working and bringing in any income, he works like a dog all day and brings in a paycheck every week while I lay on my fat a** at home doing nothing, our kids are going to be ******ed because I am too lazy to get off my a** in the mornings and send them to school like normal parents do. I homeschooled both of the girls because of health reasons and separation anxiety. Of course he understands nothing about that stuff. "well what do they have to be nervous about? They are kids." He is so clueless!

The mental abuse was awful. All I did was set and cry. He has had me emotionally wore down for a long time. Hes been busting up everything in the house too.Hes broke all of my jewelry boxes, busted the bedroom doors off the hinges, the laundry room door and the closet doors. It hadnt gotten physical yet but I wasnt gonna stick around to wait and see if it did. Everyone kept telling me it would eventually lead to that.

Hes threatened my family members. He told me one night that he hated my parents and would kill them if they came over. I started crying. He called my dad and told him what he thought of him.
He said killing my dad would be like killing a stray dog. It wouldnt bother him a bit. He doesnt want to just hurt, he wants to kill. (Hes also said this about a male supervisor at work).
My dad had a bad car accident in the early 80s. It did nerve damage in his back and leg. He is unable to work and has trouble walking and standing. My hubby called him a sorry a** son of a b**ch cripple who is just too lazy to work. He just wants to lay around on his sorry a** and draw a check. A million dollar injury. He wants to set around and sponge off what my mom makes at her job.
I shouldve left then but my parents said "dont worry..we wont come over. We'll stay away from him. You have the kids to think about."

I suspected he was cheating but couldnt prove anything. All I had was that weird feeling plus I noticed he was on his cell phone 99% of the time and wouldnt say who he was talking to. Whenever he would leave it laying on the table while he was asleep, I answered and the other person hung
up on me. I got mad and he mustve overheard it because he started keeping it in his pocket from then on.

Well I kept praying that God would show me the truth and he did. He was cheating with his female supervisor at work. Of course they both denied it when I confronted them. She denied ever talking to him except at work. I checked his cell records and there are hundreds of calls to this womans
cell and home numbers.They have racked up over 1300 minutes in just 2 weeks time! My friends hubby works there too and he told me the truth. I was told that they had showed up together at a co-workers camping party down by the river around 2 am one night. There were more times that they were seen out in public together.

I walked out on 8/20. He was screaming at me and the kids. He picked up my coffee table and threw it. Busting it into a million pieces. Then he looked at me and said "You are pissing me off and Im about to get violent with you." That was my cue to grab the kids and leave.

We have been staying at my parents house since I left. We are taking it one day at a time.

Hes trying to sweet talk me into coming home. Then he starts crying and saying all he has done is set at home crying his eyes out. He isnt eating, sleeping or anything. Hes worried himself sick over this. LOL Yeah right!

He complained that I havent called him once since I left. What am I supposed to say to him? Before I left the home, all he could say to me was that he was sick of looking at me and didnt want to be around me anymore. Yeah that really makes me want to call him.


I have our oldest daughter in therapy so she can deal with this mess.

Im just glad that Im out of that house.

I had lost around 12 lbs or so but of course with all the stress, Ive put that back on and no telling how much more. I dont even have a scale here. I have no idea what I weigh now. I need to get back on track but I know I cant stick to eating right. When I get stressed out, I eat. I know its wrong but I cant help it. :stress:

I was in an abussive relationship just this past summer. I was only 17 years old, and he was 19. He came to live with me and my mom. At the time we had my brother and sister living there, along with 2 of my brothers friends. Anyway, the guy always had a very bad temper. He would say that he loved me, but then he would say he lied. I would cry a lot, but he would laugh in my face as he walked away. Him walking away from me all of the time would hurt more then he staying there and yelling. He would call me names consisting of something that contained the word 'fat' in it, and the word whore would be muttered in there with some other hurtful things. After only 2 months in the relationship, he would threaten me with leaving, and with me not liking the words he was calling me, i told him to go, and i would be happy never to hear his name ever again. Well forbid i ever make him upset. He would break down into tears, and feeling bad that i hurt someone that i loved, later that day, i would apologize. Every night after i said that, he would start the sexual abuse. He would actually rip all of my clothes off, laugh at me, and beat me up. He then forced himself on me saying that i broke his heart and now i was going to pay for it! I remember one time he actually held a gun to my head saying that i wasn't worth loving. It led to him wanting to see me harm myself right infrount of him so that he could enjoy my pain! If didn't do what he said, he would treaten to harm himself and go to the cops saying that I had did it to him! He would always chase me around the apartment with a knife trying to stabb me, just so he could see some type of harm inflicted upon me. One day he caught me and tried to slit my throat, but he heard someone coming in the frount door, so he stopped with only a little bit of blood coming from my neck.

In effecting my weight, i tried to starve myself. I didn't eat so that i would lose weight and he would stop calling me names, but now i realize that he would have done what he did to me, no matter what i looked like.

And to think, I thought I was the only one! I have been involved in abusive relationships for a while. I used to think that it only started when I started dating, but now that I'm in college and have taken so many new classes, I realise, the abuse started long before that. I surpressed so many memories of my father, that I didn't realise until recently that it really was abuse.
My father for as long as I can remember would always tell me how I had screwed up, and that I would never amount to anything, and that I could do better. All of the yelling, threats, and putdowns never registered as abuse to me, now I know better. He was treated horribly as a child by his step father, so I believe the abuse stems from that. He never physically abused me that I can think of, my sister is another story. I can remember when I was probably around 7 or 8 that I saw my father push the dining room table into my sister. (she was around 19 or 20) To this day I wonder how my mother has been able to live with him all these nearly 33 years. He threatened so many times to kick me out of the house while I was in high school (as if those years aren't hard enough.)
I will always remember the first time that I have ever heard him say that he was proud of me. On the day of my high school graduation, he pushed his way to me in the recognition line, gave me a hug and told me that he loved me and was proud of me. It took 18 and a half years for me to hear him say that he was proud of me. Those are words I will never forget, thinking of it now makes me want to cry. That was nearly 2 years ago, we are to the point that we can talk for almost 20 minutes on the phone without cussing each other out and yelling. He is a work in progress for me to talk to.
Ah the boyfriends....
My first boyfriend was when I was 15. He was a great guy (so I thought) and is still my longest relationship. 6 months. I fell in love with him. We hardly ever fought, but then it came to the point where we were getting ready to break up. He told me that I was getting too serious for him. I later found out from his best friend that we broke up because I would not have sex with him. He had cheated on me with a girl that was known for have sex with a guy within 2 weeks of dating him. (my ex didn't even get sex from her, and they dated for 3 months. he is now serving time for having nonconsentual sex with a 15 year old. serves him right)
The next couple guys cheated on me within a couple of weeks, so I'm not going to count them.
I started putting on weight at this time, and recently have realized how much weight it really is.
My junior year when I was 17 was one of the only decent guys I dated. We dated for a month, and then agreed to break up because of the distance (3 hours)....and his mother hates me. We decided that if we ended up at the same college, we would date. *we did end up at the same college. we tossed around dating, we hung out a bit, one thing leads to another, we saw each other off and on for about a year...the same lines were told to me ("I'm really busy" "my mom hates you" blah blah blah) and 2 miscarriages and a ton of heartbreak later (not to mention some extra weight) I told him never again. He to this day doesn't know of the miscarriages, nor will he until he actually shows interest in finding these things out.*
At the end of my senior year I dated a guy I worked with. Things started off great until one night I was really stressed out *it was 2 weeks before graduation, and I was the supervisor that night* and was just having an off day. He grabbed me by the arm and pushed me into the wall of the store asked me what the f**k my problem was, and started to draw his fist back. I started to shrink to the floor, luckily one of our co-workers/my best friend was getting ready to come around the corner, and my bf left me alone. I never told my friend cause I know he would go crazy about it.
My freshman year in college wasn't much better. I've already discussed the whole guy and my miscarriages thing, needless to say, he's not a decent guy anymore, we hardly talk. But there were 2 other guys. The first one I dated during the spring '06 semester. He always told me how I needed to lose weight, that I was fat, how he'd help me excercise more, and then in the same conversation tell me that he loved me and would never change me....makes sense right? We got engaged. Engaged for about 2 weeks, and the truth came out. He as so many before him, cheated on me as well.
The next guy I dated was in April of '06. He is a decent guy. We have a lot of the same interests, and he can't pick on my weight because he is a bit overweight as well. He never raised his voice, never raised a hand anything. We broke up because we had no time for each other.
Summer of '06, I started dating a new guy. Things started out ok, then he began making fun of my weight, saying I was fat, no one would want me, and then began to sexually abuse me. I told him that since I was in school, I had no time for him, work, classes, and studying *school was a priority, since I was on academic probation from the previous semester, which I blame on the stress from realizing I had a miscarriage during finals week. I bombed my finals, lowered my GPA, and was told if you can't get a 2.5 next semester, you can kiss this school and nursing program goodbye*. He didn't take it well, and is still trying to get back together with me.
November '06 I started dating a new guy. We became close, started sharing things about our pasts, he is one of the few that knows of the abuse in my past. He swore he would never hurt me or neglect me. Within the month he went back on his word, spent less time with me, and started ignoring me. I got so fed up with it that I told him I was done with his back stabbing, and that I was done with the relationship. This was a few days ago.
I'm now single, wanting to move on from my past, get rid of the weight I gained in the last few years, and find a good guy that won't abuse me. (even though at this point I feel there are none of those guys left.)

No in depth but to sum it up...
Emotionally abusive Dad--alcoholic when I was young, been in AA for almost 30 years now but is still harsh with comments
Sexually abused by the babysitters son at 10
Drinking and drugs by 12
"First time" at 16 was date rape
Given a choice by the guy I loved at 18 to either have an abortion or have him leave(my son has always given me tremendous joy and love--I think I chose right)
Met and married a guy who was emotionally withdrawn and physically abusive,
through much counseling and me sending him to jail it stopped years ago, though he can still be emotionally withdrawn and harsh with his words

During the early years of my marriage I left my husband and went to a shelter where the counselor told me about a study group of abused women that was to be done but as this long list shows--they couldn't find enough women that had never been sexually, emotionally or physically abused to have a control group so it was not done. How sad is that...

Do Some Guys Follow In The Footsteps Of Their Abusive Father?
 

I have posts in the above thread if anyone is interested in posting there.