Hi!

I am having an ongoing problem with my middle dd who is 10. At her previous school, she was picked on unmercifully --- being called freak and worse --- because she is shy and in the K and 1st grade would cry easily. We built a house in part to give her a new start in a new neighborhood and school. The 5th grade teachers sent home a note today basically saying that some kids are being gossipy and hurtful and that they will work on it at school, and would hope that parents would work on this problem at home. Turns out, some of the girls were gossiping about my dd. Apparently she wore the same pants 2 days in a row and one girl started a rumor that my dd is gross and wears dirty clothes. Ugh.

So, on the one hand, I am happy that the school is on top of the problem and are willing to work to stamp out bullying (wether my child or not! I hate bullies!) Also, my dd told the ringleader that her pants were clean, she washed them before she wore them again. To which the ringleader replied that **everyone** knows that it takes at least 2 Days to clean clothes!! (I had to laugh at this, because I can imagine the mountain of laundry at her house....because that would totally match the one at my house )

Anyhoo......my dd doesn't seem too upset by this. She said she is used to it.
But also, she still has some friends to talk to which is way more then she had at the other school.

I guess my question is, has anyone else had this problem with one of their children? And if so, what worked to help? G-d knows, I don't want my dd to became the most popular girl in school, but darnit, if she could just have 1 friend I would be so happy and relieved for her.

Thanks for reading, letting me get it off my chest and for any suggestions anyone might have.

Nancy

Awww no advice, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. Girls can be so mean, and it's horrible that it's starting at such a young age. It's good to know that the school is on top of things, and is addressing the situation.

Let us know how the situation turns out!!

I am so sorry about the stress you and dd are going through about this. My son was/is VERY shy, over weight, and gifted. So this made it double trouble for him. He was always fortunate enough to have a few freinds but that didnt make up for the jerks who were so insecure they had to put others down and a shy, chubby, gifted kid was an easy target. Due to him being gifted we have started home schooling him and this has killed several birds with one stone. I must say though, the teasing and whatnot has made him an extremily independent and strong human being. While i would not wish it on anyone, i would not trade his strength and self awareness for anything either. Try to explain to her that those girls are just very insecure inside and it is not her fault...that is just the only way they know to deal with their short comings and that she should feel sorry for them for their insecurities and ignorance in dealing with that insecurity. It may not give her any comfort but it might give her insight as to why they do that and that it is not her fault, as she is who she is and she has done nothing wrong.

Is there an opportunity to set up a play date at your house for a couple of other girls or invite a couple of kids to a movie and mcd's on a Saturday--a get to know dd party, of sorts? Some way to more quickly assimilate into the community and create a strong alliance for her to rely on during school hours. She needs some people on her team.

Sorry to hear what you and your DD are going through. My DD is 14 and has been picked on at school about her wt. and the fact that she had troubles with her esophagus and vomited a lot at school. She has had surgery now to stop the vomiting. Last week a kid teased her and asked her if she is pregnant. Which made her cry. I can certainly feel for your situation. I'm glad the school is trying to help, that much is good. I hate the bullies too. My DD is 5'4 and 132 lbs. and gets called fat and made fun of. It breaks my heart.

Oh wish I could give some advice unfortunatly I was one of the kids that was picked on in school and I still have a hate on for the bullies that treated me badly, but I know I'm a better person for not lashing out and trying to be "cool" and beating the poop out of them!If your daughter has a friend or 2 at school try and help solidify the friendships by having sleepovers, movie dates etc.,it will help. I had a friend from elementry and after 25 years we are still the best of friends!
All the best!

to your daughter and you too, for having to have your heart break I'm sure hearing that someone is doing this to your daughter. I was picked on as a child and I agree with most of everyone here. If she has one or two close friends, maybe have a sleepover like what was mentioned. I found great strength in having my friends. I felt like I had a "Barrier" to "protect" me, even though at times it would still hurt, at least I had my friends to help me through and help me feel better.

Hey,

Sorry to hear about your daughter. I was also teased unmercifully during my school years. On one hand I still have some depression and anger about those times. However, as WiW mentioned, it can make you a stronger and better person.

Not knowing you or your daugher, I can't even guess whether she is hiding her hurt from you or is really above all that nonsense. The only advice I have is to perhaps get her involved in some after school activities. Something like sports or martial arts that might improve her self confidence. (Not that she would use these to beat anyone up, but it might make her feel stronger and ergo, less likely to allow bullies to gang up on her.)

Thanks eveyone for the great advice, and perhaps even more for the support!!

We have had two girls over quite a bit over the summer (one of whom is the one that started the rumor) and now dd really doesn't want anything to do with either one. She does talk a lot about this girl Jasmine, who she said had a reputation for being mean although my dd says she has yet to see her be mean to anyone. So, I feel a little conflicted about that potential friendship....but hey! I shouldn't judge by what 'they' say.....for all I know she was mean to the bullies who were being mean to her first last year! So, I think I will have dd invite her over after school sometime next week, and hopefully that can evolve into a sleepover.

Sigh.....I hate this, I really do. I know that she is more affected then she is letting on. This summer she told me that she believed that she was a freak, because that was what the other girls at the old school had called her for so long. I worry that dd will fall into the wrong crowd in jr high, get involved in drugs/sex anything to be accepted. It is such a dangerous world out there, you know?

(((Lilybelle))) and for your dd. That is absolutely awful!! Is the school doing anything for her? 14 is such a hard age anyway without bringing bullying and illness into it. (())

Thanks again, everyone!
Nancy

Nancy, thanks, the school hasn't done anything for my DD. My main fear is that the teasing about her wt., makes her want to skip lunch at school. She did this the other day and a boy said "Don't you ever eat?" and another kid said "Of course she eats, look at how fat she is ". The first boy, then punched the kid that called her fat and was sent to the principals office. The thing is, she isn't overweight according to all the BMI charts and I have very much reinforced this to her. I have been sending healthy meals to school with her and hoping she will eat instead of skipping lunch.(Because she refuses to eat the junk that the school serves for lunch). She comes home from school very hungry and will sometimes overeat of the evening. It is reallly sad, because I feel sometimes these mean kids are creating an eating disorder in someone that had no problem with eating. I think part of the reason she's picked on too is that she's very intelligent and in the gifted program. My son graduated 2 yr's ago, but when he was still in school, he got in more than 1 fight over kids picking on his little sister. She is a strong-willed girl and it's a wonder she hasn't punched any of these kids herself. She has a lot of friends that are supportive of her and that spend the night here quite often.

HI, All advice given is good I will also suggest you reassure your daughter that she is a very special person and you will always be there for her no matter what, In my point of view you are not only her mother you are also her best friend one she can truly trust and confide in to give her the best advice and support like no one else can. (UNCONDITIONAL LOVE)

Best Of Luck

Ivy

Big Lily to you and your daughter! That is awful how kids are making her feel that way that she feels like she shouldn't eat! I hope the school does something.

I was bullied as a child when I moved to a new place. I kept my cool and talked to a few of the loser kids and within a 6 months, the bullying had stopped and I had many friends. If there is no reaction the bullies often give up and find a new target and then others will befriend your child. It is very lonely at the beginning but eventually it worked out for me. The very important thing is to not give the bullies the reaction they are looking for. Good luck and I hope between the parents and the school your dd's problem is solved quickly. Boys often make better friends as well, they are less prone to gossip and really like to wear the same clothes two or more days in a row.

Backtome, I am really sorry and angry to hear about this...Becaue as a kid, I was in the same shoes as ur dd is... Being overweight was a constant stimulator for other kids to tease me/bully me. I am glad the school is taking action. As a child I always wished my parents would stand up for me and "feel" my stress atleast once. My mom always thought that I would become strong and face the world which did work somewhat but not totally.

I have problems with self esteem even today but studying psychaitry and human behaviors, I now know that a child's confidence and future personality depends a great deal on young and teen years of life.

I think you should schedule a meeting with your dd, the other kid (one or more) and her mom and a teacher and very nicely and peacefully discuss that this is wrong! This will not "make your child not learn to face life". She will also learn the importance of communicating and solving troubles by peaceful talks.

This is a quote from my dad. (He always told met his when I was picked on).
The GIRLS are just jealous!
The BOYS just like you!
..Maybe if you repeat that enough she'll start to believe you.
(Not much advice, I know).
I hope everything will be better for her soon!