I recommend a couple of books--one for you and one for your daughter. They are both by Rachel Simmons who has studied girl bullies. The first is Odd Girl Out (it was made into a movie for Lifetime) and the other is Odd Girl Speaks Out. The first is her study on girl bullies and it might give you some insight on how to handle the situation. The second is for your DD. It is stories of girls who have bullied (interestingly, no one ever claims to be the bully, but everyone has experienced having been bullied). I've heard Rachel speak and she is very insightful. This is a hard thing to deal with and I wish you the best of luck.

my son was bullied until he hit his hormonal teenage years and had anger issues--my daughter was never bullied
Go figure--the only major difference between them duting their elementary school years is my daughter was very confident and self assured and was okay that not everyone liked her but and my son has a very creative and funny personality but wanted everyone to like him
--my daughter is more like my husbands personality and is goal oriented and my son is more like me and is people oriented which probably does have something to do with the whole bully thing.

This is interesting. I am not sure that those who bully realize what they are doing.

When I was in middle school, my peers teased me terribly. But the next year some of them acted as though nothing had happened. They were nice to me and joked around. This always short circuited by brain.

Shameful to admit, but my sister was a bully in high school. She picked on one girl all the time that was over-weight. One day this girl had a friend, that stomped my sister's Butt. I had people run up to me and say "aren't you going to help your sister". I said "no, she's finally getting the butt-kicking that she deserves". She got a broken nose and black eyes. She never picked on anyone again.

Okay...I have something to say that may not come off very nice. Take them however you will...I'm saying them with love. :)

First off, pulling her out of that school might not have been the best choice. What's done is done, but In doing that you were being her friend, yes, you were saving her some pain, yes, but you were also teaching her that it's okay to take the simple way out. That's it's okay not to face your problems. So she was made fun of. I've been made fun of and yes, it does suck! But it ends. And you get over it, and you're a stronger person for it. Little girls are cruel to each other. That's what they do. At that age, they're going to switch who they're friends with every month. They're going to torment each other, make fun of clothes, hair and weight. That's what little girls do. It's sad, but it's true. I was made fun of because I cried too easily, and my shoes weren't the right brand. I never did buy the right brand. I bought what I wanted, and still made plenty of friends.

You can't (don't mean to tell you what you can and cannot do here, so take this with a grain of salt) just make your daughter's life easy. I know she's only ten, and I know that the pain she's in is terrible for you. I know how hard it must be. But you can't be her friend. The closer you are to your daughter, the harder it'll be for her to make her own friends. It's hard for a child to leave that comfort zone.

My younger brother was bullied like this as well. My parents let him stay home from school, switch schools, move classes...my mother was his best and only friend. They basically let him feel sorry for himself. I'm not saying that your daughter will end up antisocial because you allowed her to avoid a problem instead of facing it. But it's a step in that direction. I don't want to see you fall into the loop of letting your daughter feel sorry for herself. It's been the hardest thing in the world watching my little brother sit at home in front of the tv weekend after weekend all by himself. He doesn't have friends because he's painfully shy. Once bitten, twice shy, you know? He's afraid. And he's afraid because he's never been forced to step outside that comfort zone. He never detatched from my parents, they always took him away from whatever was painful.

I know it's horribly tempting, but parents are not best friends. You have to distance yourself, as painful as that may be. Your daughter's only 10. but she's getting close to Jr. High, and that is the most dangerous territory there is. That is where a kid makes or breaks, basically. Not ultimately, but you get the picture. Just instill some rules, morals, let her know where she comes from, that should take care of the worries you have concerning drugs and the such.

Concerning friends, just encourage her to be as active as possible. Lots of activities. That's all it really takes to make friends.

Take it or leave it, that's my advice.

Love and luck in this! Your daughter sounds like a great girl, I'm sure she'll do just fine no matter what.

I am so sorry about this for you and your DD. I had a child picked on for a few years, and it is miserable. I wish I could help you find a solution. Shy, studious children are the biggest targets. Just do what you can to help her to build strong friendships with the friends she does have, as others have suggested. My child had friends who stuck up for him but it was bad enough to break my heart. Little girls can be lethal about appearance, so I would do all I could to help my daughter in that department. I do hope things get better for her soon.

Thanks for the ongoing advice!

Alinnell --- I will check out those books, thanks for the headsup!!

Big :hug: to all of you that have had a child that was picked on, or was that child yourself :hug:

In my opinion, bullying is not a right of passage, or something that that the picked on kid asked for or deserved, it is mean and awful and ulitmately pathetic. And I believe it to be at the root cause of school violence in this country. I was watching A&E about a month or so ago, and they were profiling school shooters.......the common denomenators were young, male, and picked on. Oh, and their schools didn't take it seriously. This one kid was picked on since Kindergarten, he was really tall and overweight and had red hair. His parents tried to intervene for him, but the schools just schluffed it off as one of those things kids have to learn to deal with. His sophomore year he started fighting back......guess who got suspended? He did. He stopped fighting back, stopped trying to make it better. One day he brought a gun to school, and when the bully hit him in the back of the head as he usually did in class, this kid stood up, said enough and killed himself.
No, bullying is not something that someone asks for. Demanding that it be stopped is not sheltering a child from reality, or stunting their development.

So, my dd is asking her friend over sometime this week. She asked the principle of the school if she and her friend could start a design club. I hope that this experience has made her stronger. But I will do what is in my power to make sure it doesn't destroy her.

Thanks again everyone for the well wishes!!

I'm so sorry to hear of your daughters problems at school, my DD is also 10 years old and it could be such a tough age. I agree with a lot of the advice here, especially organizing some play dates and maybe joining an after school program....newspaper club, etc. My DD thank goodness hasn't been harassed or bullied at school even though she's overweight. She has been teased by her brother though and that came to end quick!

Maybe the school offers a program for girls specifically. My DD school has a program called Speak Out, it's for girls grades 5-8 and it's an 8 week course on how to empower themselves, it also deals with cliques, etc.

Two years ago when my son was being bullied, his school took immediate action and had the boy's parents come to school that next day. The bullying went on for a couple of weeks before I found out but when I did, I called emailed the school and they took it VERY seriously. I also found out the boy in question got in trouble for using the "N" word. It turned out that the bully really wanted a friend. Unfortunately he chose my son because he was quiet and shy. You'd think a boy with the name "Adrian" who was foreign would be a little more sensitive! Anyway, after the situation was resolved, my son was also offered the option of instead of going to lunch he could have lunch at the social workers office where many kids met to discuss anything they wanted.

The school plays a very important role here and hopefully your school is doing it's best to resolve the issue. Good luck and keep us posted.

I think as parents we can't help worry too much. My DD claims she isn't a "girly girl" and I have to remind her wear deodorant, brush her hair, etc. I'm sure in a year's time she'll be in the bathroom for an hour each morning!

M