My SO's son is 18, almost 19. He is a Marine stationed stateside for the moment, but will be headed to Iraq sometime after the first of the year.

SO's son has a longtime girlfriend (about 3 years), who is just 17. They have decided they want to be married at New Years before he ships out. His parents (and me too) aren't exactly thrilled with the timing of all this, but nothing is going to change their minds, so we all might as well get on board and enjoy the preparations.

Here's the issue (and it's not a new one): His son's mother is throwing a hissy at the fact that the kids want me to go to the wedding. She's throwing the "If she's going to be there I'm not going" tantrum. (She obviously doesn't care much for me. In conversations with my partner, she never says my name--only refers to me as "HER". I've been reduced to a pronoun, folks! LOL)

Throughout my relationship with my partner, I have taken the high road where his son's mother is concerned, and have stayed away from son's high school graduation and military graduation out of respect and to not spoil the celebration. But this is an event that both kids (especially son's fiancee) want me at, and I really want to go.

I told son on the phone last night that I will abide with whatever decision he and his bride-to-be make. If they agree together that it was best for me to stay home that day to keep it drama-free, I will respect that. Poor son feels very stuck in the middle (as does my partner), and is afraid of making someone mad by the decision he will make. So...I guess we'll see if I will be dress shopping for a special occasion or sitting home.

Anyone else been in my shoes?

You are the partner of the groom's mother. Your place is at the wedding. Makes me almost cry for you that they are treating you so terribly. I'm really really sorry that people like that still exist and would deny you the joy of seeing your stepson married. If I got married, I would want both my beloved step mother (Lynne) and my beloved step father (Tom) at the wedding. They are a part of my life as much as either of my biological parents. Family is family, and YOU are family.

If you don't go for any reason (I do understand keeping the peace), I hope you will have a lovely dinner with the new couple to celebrate.

This situation is painfully familiar to me. My 20 yr. old step-daughter got married last month. I was invited by her and the groom to the wedding. I was seating on the 2nd row with the grandmothers and not escorted down the asile like the others. In fact since DH gave the bride away, everyone had to scoot past me. I felt very left out and hurt. (This was the brides biological mothers decision to do this to me). Of course they didn't mind at all that me and DH paid for a lot of the wedding. I take it with a grain of salt. She hates me and always will. Can't say the feeling isn't mutual. My opinion is that if bride and groom want you there I'd go. Ignore her. It's difficult but expect it to be.

I've not been in this sort of situation but just wanted to say I feel both for you, and your SO's son. He shouldn't have to be put in such a predicament. I certainly think the ex really needs to grow up because you are a part of his life whether she likes it or not and it's sad to think that a grown adult is caring on this way. What if your SO talks with the ex and tells him that DS wants you there so that DS won't have to? I don't think you should have to miss out on these special occasions because of the ex...it's sad. Has anyone actually ever called her on her little threats? You know...tell her well, if that's how you feel then so be it. She's got to know she can't keep getting her way by doing this. Anyway, I feel for you.

Jen: Is SO divorced from his son's mother? If not, I can 'see' the controversy, but even then...if it's over between them, it's over and the fact that the son wants you there and his fiance, then the mother is just cutting off her nose in spite of her face. My guess is that this isn't the first family hissy fit she's thrown. This isn't HER wedding, it's her son's and she should respect his decision to have you there. I suspect that if she says she's not showing, it's jsut her attempt at guilting her son into getting her way and that when it's all said and done she'll probably bite the bullet and go anyway and even at that point, all you have to do is smile, be polite and wonderful Jen and if she puts on a show, then everyone will be saying "Gosh...now we know why he (your SO) left that crazy woman! Jen is a much better choice." Sad that she chooses to make her son's wedding into that, but I'd go with your SO's son's wishes and go if he wants you there. Let the control-freak mother show the world why she's the ex-wife and not the current wife and bury herself.

I agree with the advise that you have gotten. If they invite you then they want you there. All this women is doing is distancing herself from this couple. They will be mad at her not you if she makes a scene. People need to grow up.

I know how it is though for this couple. My mom is this way about my dad (not actually my step mom - just my dad) and it can be frustrating. But I will tell you that had my step mom and dad had not attended because of my mom I would have felt hurt. I know that "drama" may arise just make sure you dont play a part in it. They will remember who it came from.

Hmmm, thankfully my divorced parents put aside their differences for our weddings. Both my mother and stepmother were there, not seated together but both acting like adults! I think if the kids want you there, you should go, and take the high road. I'm sure you don't intend to take his mom's place as mother of the bride, but these are kids you obviously care about, and they care about you. Sorry you have a hard decision.

I think you meant groom's FATHER....last time I checked (and it was recently! ) he was male! LOL

There's still some time to get things sorted before then....we'll see what happens.

Thanks for the hug. Son's mom has already threatened son with the "if she's there I'm not" thing, so he already knows. He is so eager to make everyone happy that it's stressing him out. I don't want there to be stress because of me. I'm hoping that somewhere between now and then the situation will smooth itself out.

My partner is not legally divorced yet, although he has been separated for quite a while. The timing of when I came into my partner's life is a bit dubious according to her, which is why she has issue with me. Nothing I can do about what she thinks or feels.

I bet she'd change her mind if her son said to her, "We will invite whom we choose to our wedding, however if you choose not to come, for any reason, we will miss you terribly."

When my husband and I were married, we were concerned how his parents would behave (they had been divorced since hubby was a teen, but still despise each other). My husband told them both in no uncertain terms, that they would both come to his wedding, and play nice, or they weren't welcome. He told them if they acted up in the least, he would never speak to either of them again. They came (with their spouses), and behaved themselves.

You're right Pat. I have no intention of trying to be mother of the groom--I just want to go as his father's partner and the couple's friend. Of course, if the kids ask me for my help or opinion I will gladly give it. (I love weddings!! Hoping to have another of my own someday!)

My parents did this too at my first wedding. I told them (my mom in particular) that if she causes a scene that would be the end of it. Luckily both parents behaved themselves and it was a pleasant day.

I hope my partner's son will be able to say that to his mom, but I don't know. Time will tell....

I don't think I have anything useful to say, but I can understand the drama between the two sides. I'm sure glad DH and I eloped! His family is insane (and he has about 1234567890 family members) and my family consists of my mom and stepdad and no one else. I don't even personally like traditional weddings, but boy would that be a lopsided room if I were to have one! DH's mom would do her damndest to take over planning (even though she hates me) and my mom would be the opposite. She'd say, "It's your wedding, you plan it!" Which, I agree with. But the more I thought about it, I already knew how that day would go. My MIL criticizing me and my mom, me and my mom laying the smackdown on her *** due to the criticism, my husband sitting by the sidelines wishing he'd been adopted a long time ago and everyone else would wonder if this was a wedding or the Jerry Spinger Show. It would NOT be a happy day for anyone involved. Least of all, me and DH considering WE are the couple of the day and WE would have paid for the event even though OTHER persons would have screwed it up for us. I'm not about to let the old bat get that kind of satisfaction.

So we saved ourselves alot of grief and money and eloped. And had a whole lot of fun doing it, too. It's not like we're 20 year olds or something anyway. We're too old and have been together too long to worry about what anyone else would want us to do.

I had assumed that they were divorced. This does change things to some degree, because of the social taboos. Whether or not she feels there was anything salvageable in her marriage, the fact that they are still legally married, and he is in a relationship with you regardless of when you began seeing each other, has to be extremely painful and embarassing to her. You are the "other woman," not only in her eyes, but also in the eyes of many of the other relatives and friends who will be guests at the wedding.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be invited, or shouldn't go, it just complicates the issue for everyone.