My 6 year old daughter fell today from about 6 feet, head first, vomited several times and I took her to the ER. I called my husband to tell him what happened and where we were going. He just said, "okay" as if he didn't think it was really necessary to take her. She had a CAT scan and did turn out to be okay, but the doctor said we were lucky because he has seen many similar falls that have turned out much worse. Anyway, to make a long story short, he did not come to the ER, did not call for 4-1/2 hours to check on her, worked late and did not see her until about 9:00 tonight. All he said was, "I heard you fell, and I'm glad you're okay."
It had not even occurred to me that the normal thing for a dad to do might be to go to the ER or at least keep in close phone contact to check on his child. A friend said, "so I guess your husband left work and went to the hospital?" That's when it occurred to me that many men would do that - we are just so used to him not really caring much that it didn't occur to me, and my daughter never mentioned him throughout the entire ordeal.
After the kids went to bed I told my husband that I felt that he should have been more concerned and come to the ER just to let her know that he cared, or at least called sooner to check on her. He said, "you had it under control, so I didn't need to do anything." He is mad at me now and not speaking to me because I talked with him about this. He says that the kids would never notice these types of things unless I mention it to them - which I don't - but they do have brains - they can see what is going on.
Some men can be extremely dense. I've found that, if you wanted him there, you should tell him to come. If you said that everything was Ok, he will assume you mean it. Jennifer Aniston said about Brad Pitt that he's missing "a sensitivity chip". Honestly, that was one of the smartest things I think anyone has ever said to clear up the differences between the sexes. They don't get it. You have to hit them with a brick.
I can't say weather or not your husband should have gone. I will say that if it was my husband and he didn't go I'd be extremely pissed and would tell him so.
As a pediatric nurse, you did the right thing and took her quickly. I had seen head first accidents turn badly with complications. You thought fast and did what your parental instincts told you.. your husband on the other hand...well...
most dads feel we have it under control and what we need is more of their support then anything.. sry you had so much stress today, but glad that your little girl is ok!!!
My dad was always there for us...we always knew he cared and we always knew we could and can depend on him to be there when we need him because he always has been.
When my youngest sister fainted having her ears pierced and was carted to hospital he left work and was there in an instant for her (along with mum)
When my other sister had to go to court to take out a restraining order he was there in the stands to support her.
When I was abruptly dumped and left an emotional wreck he left work to pick me up from the bus and try and mend the shattered mess I was.
It isnt right your daughter should grow up thinking her father is indifferent to her.
Oh, and I just recently broke up with my ex for "missing the sensitivity chip" as Flipflop quoted above :P
Yes, he should have been there, and no I don't agree that men have to be that clueless. I have a few good male friends, fathers, that would never even think about it, they would just be there, regardless of how the mother was handling it.
The children do know and they do remember. I can speak from experience on that. Not to mention, talk among the children's friends will always get around to parents and comparison even if you never say a word.
Thanks for all your replies. I have been dealing with this type of thing with my husband for so long that sometimes I forget what normal people do and question myself. I have reluctantly accepted it for years when the lack of concern was directed at me, but my children are picking up on it. My son and daughter recently came to me and told me that they think "Daddy doesn't care about (my daughter) and we think it's because she's a girl. He acts like she's not even here." My son is 9 and my daughter is 6. I have thought hard about getting a divorce (for many other reasons as well) but I am afraid my husband would try to get custody just to spite me, not because he loves the kids and wants to be with them.
Right before beginning 6th grade my daughter was riding on her fourwheeler and my son was on his minibike--to avoid hitting her brother DD swerved and bumped up against the concrete wall and she went forward and burned her leg against the hot engine. Hubby was laid off and home so he cleaned her up and bandaged it. Never called me at work. When I got home DD started crying and told me what happenned--I was so mad at DH for not taking her to the er--I did it myself--she had a major burn and I had to follow up at the peditrician's office for several visits. I was sooooo mad at him I could have spit fire. He didn't see what the problem was. I try to understand that this was how it was done growing up in his home but it was not in mine. I thought about leaving many times myself and was convinced that I would not stay after the kids left. For all his faults--he is a good Dad and the kids both moved out at 18 and after a year I am still here. The kids say now that they know that he doesn't always show it but they know that he loves them and will always be there for them--he will grumble about having to do certain things but he does them. I think he was afraid that I would leave after the kids moved out and he is so much better at trying to not be so seemingly uncaring--he will never be the lovey-touchy kind of person that I am but he does show his love and is more patient with me and is getting better with his temper and saying he is sorry.
My oldest son was the classic boy - top speed all the time and damn the torpedos. Consequently, we spent a LOT of time in the emergency room. I think he's broken damn near every bone in his body and I don't even want to remember all the concussions.
My husband is a classic "man's man" - truck driver, macho pig. Even so, as soon I would call him he was there. There were times I was mad at him for getting to the doctor's office or ER too fast. If he was out of town on a run, he would call constantly to make sure Robby was going to be OK, and if I didn't have Robby call him after getting home he would be pissed off at me. He always wanted to be sure that Robby was OK. Even when Robert had surgery to repair his collarbone (third time he'd broken it) when he was 17 my husband was there with me.
My point is that even the most macho, sports focused, pepper eating truck driver can be extremely involved in his children, even if he's hundreds of miles away at the time.
I think if he couldn't have been there, he could have at least called and talked to her, or called and followed up with you. I'd tell him clearly what you expect for next time, in a non-judgemental way. He could be just clueless.
To me, he sounds manipulative. Not talking after your wife broaches an issue is immaturity. It shows he's trying to get her to apologize because she will feel guilty that he's not talking to her (her fault, not his). He should've been there. My dad is a workaholic but he used to always take time out of work and bring the binders we had forgotten at home if he could. When my sis and I would get scrapes and stuff growing up, he would always clean the wound and put a bandaid on it, not to mention cleaning up all my vomit from the times I was sick. I haven't had hospital related injuries but my mom was in the hospital one time and even though she was doing fine, he would go to see her twice a day. Whatever. Your husband sounds like a jerk.
I C ,.... I know exactly what your talking about my husband is the same BUT there is a slight difference my husband is they're step father he has been with my kids for 7 years now (married going on 6) but i know exactly what you are saying he was they're ONCE for my baby boy now 10 y/o i was in the hospital with my youngest boy for a month and a half and he really stepped up to the plate i mean coming and sleeping at the hospital so i could go home and rest etc but other then that NOPE im on my own now does it piss me off ? Sure it does but i believe god brought us together for a reason and i've learned you have to take the good with the bad... hope this helps to know your not alone, also i see a strong woman in you for taking charge in the first place, and not waiting for someone to hold your hand through the process,
I'm deaf and my husband is the first to get up in the middle of the night and clean up the vomit and take care of our children when they are sick and I am usually not even aware of it until the next day. He cares.
When it comes to the ER, 9 out of 10 times my husband totally disagrees that the child needs to go. Once my child was found (he is 6 and snuck out of the house to go bicycle riding) UNCONCIOUS. He was the first to panic but when my child came to and after he finished stumbing around and talking disoriented like he was drunk, my husband figured he was fine. He was, but I still wanted to go to the ER. We argue then I tell him I'm going anyway. He doesn't stop me or anything, then I will page him later and he will come up there.
What men and women think are different. Do all men think the same? Absolutely not. Just don't expect all spouses to think alike either. You have to tell him what you expect. WOuld I be upset? Yes!!!! Would it have been abnormal of him to react that way? Probably not. After all, your man probably thinks if it got worse, you would call. I will underline again that I would still be upset. That's marriage...lol.
My first fiance' and I had a son together. He's an anesthesiologist. When our son was 10 months old, he had pneumonia and was hospitalized for 7 days. This so-called dad/doctor never once came to the hospital to see his child. He said "I figured you'd call if there was a problem". Needless to say we split up. My current DH is there in an instant if me or my children are sick or hurt. He wouldn't dream of not coming to the ER. Reversely my sister is married for (25 yrs.) to a man who is totally uncaring and self-centered. Her car over-heated 50 miles from home on a busy inter-state. When she called him for help, he said "you'll only have to walk about 2 miles to get to a gas station and someone there can help you, I have to go play my guitar at church tonite". He left her stranded and she's still with him. She just said "he's always been selfish and I'm used to it".
Which of us is wrong?
