Men are pathetic
 

Okay, not all, but some. Including mine.

Ever since I've lost this weight, my husband/partner (we've been together 16 years and have a 6-year-old son, but we're not technically married) has really turned into a big huge bowl of jello. Basically, what's going on, is he's feeling insecure with himself because I look better than I have in years and I go out with my best friend Kathy (whom I've known since I was 17 years old) almost every weekend. And sometimes Matthew comes with us. Which is no problem, we all have a good time. But on the weeks he knows I'm going out without him (we can't always find a babysitter) he's understanding, on one hand, and says it's okay, you go out with your friend and have a good time. But then he starts making stupid comments, almost as though he's trying to make me feel guilty for going without him.

Then just a bit ago he walks into the room and says, "Baby, I know I'm ugly and you're ashamed to be seen with me, so I'll just go down to one of those sleazy bars and have somebody shoot me."

:?:

What the **** kind of a thing is that to say?!?!? It makes me so :censored: mad I could spit nails!!!!

He's still trying to find a reason to go this Friday night. And again, I don't mind if he goes, but am I this horrible person for wanting to get the **** out of this house and go with my friends to have a good time without somebody attached to my $@!*@!???????

One weekend I actually managed to get out of here by myself and he shows up at the bar later that evening, having dumped our son off on his mom just to follow me.

We're STILL going on about this debate and he just walked out of the room and said, "Fine, if you don't wanna be with me, no problem." When just earlier today he was all sweet and said, "Not a problem, you go out with Kathy and I'll stay home with Shane."

It's crap like this that makes me wish I was single again.

UGH!!!! :mad:

Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent.

Oh, I am sorry to hear that you are having this frustration.

Do the 2 of you go out together alone, just the 2 of you? To me this certainly does sound like he is feeling insecure about how you feel about him, not realizing of course that this kind of behavior makes someone LESS attractive, not more. Most of it would just make me roll my eyes, but following me to "show up" would send me through the roof! :mad:

My SO and I have it pretty easy: I hate going out, so it doesn't bother me at all to be left at home! :)

Exactly.

I mean, not to sound crude, but I was thinking of waiting until our son was asleep and shutting the dogs out of the bedroom tonight (:sssh:) but after that comment and the way he's been acting, it's totally turned me off.

And anymore he sits up and waits for me to get off the computer. That's annoying too.

I honestly wish he'd just leave me alone.

I'd say the same thing, about making sure to go out on dates with him. Mens' egos need to be managed.

Oh, and to comment on this - it did. I was damn mad. But I didn't show it. I acted like I was happy to see him and tried my best not to make him feel bad for showing up out of the blue like that.

We do that. Sometimes we spend time together alone. But now and then, blast it, I just wanna get out with my friend without him tagging along.

Is that so horrible????

Of course not. A relationship is two people working to build a life together, not some sort of merged dual being. We all need our individual spaces to keep ourselves strong enough to handle what life is going to throw our way.

I sure can't help ~ I would rather be anywhere doing anything with my wife than any buddy ~ and I have some pretty good friends.

Thank you.

Honestly. I needed to hear that.

I appreciate that, sweetie. But sometimes it's just nice to get out without having someone hang all over me all the time.

And don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't enjoy going out with him because we always have fun. And it's not really even the issue of going out WITHOUT him. It's this 'clingy' behavior he's displaying that's getting on my nerves.

Like andoreth said, acting this way makes him LESS attractive to me, even though he's doing his best to gain my sympathies and attention. And when he says stupid stuff like he needs to go downtown and get himself killed... ????

Good grief!

We all have times in our relationships when we feel vulnerable and "needy".....and I think that is part of the give and take.

It sounds like maybe you do want to be single? Is that an option for you?

L

I can understand your frustration with him being clingy and I can definitely understand the need to get out of the house and away from the kids for awhile. But then, you say you go out almost every week end with your friend. That's not just "sometimes". I know when I can manage to rake up a babysitter for my DD, I'd rather do nothing more than spend the alone time with my husband. I can sort of understand where your partner is coming from in that if my husband went out every weekend and I was only welcome when (if) I could find a babysitter, I'd be pretty upset, too. I admit he's not handling it in the right way, with silly comments about getting himself shot but then, the time he did manage to find a sitter, you say it go on your nerves because he joined you later at the club. I wonder if you're just not very happy in your relationship and want to be single?

I truly hope this didn't come across as nasty or judgemental. I'm just replying to the situation that you posed like I would if a friend had come to me in person with the same issue.

I dont know, everyone should have separate together and alone I guess, But When my husband was alive, I only wanted to be with him, I wish he was still around to be with, I miss him so.
Be careful you might get what you wish for and be alone.
sandi

I can understand your frustration with the situation, but it sounds like your man is really struggling. When he says that it's fine for you to go out with your friend, that shows that he acknowledges you as an individual and is making an effort to give you your space. However, sometimes emotions just spill out (and note: men and women think and react differently, as I'm sure you well know) and the getting shot comment was his insecurity speaking.

My boyfriend of two years is overweight and is having difficulty slimming down, and I know he feels insecure about that compared to the weight that I've lost. We do go out separately, but not every week. I don't know if cutting down the frequency of going out without your partner would feel restricting to you, but taking him out to a nice dinner every now and then might help remind him that you think he's special and that you're not going to run off with someone "better." Of course, I don't have any children, and I acknowledge that my situation is a bit simpler than yours, but the male ego is a very sensitive thing.

Also, as just a thought, you mentioned feeling the need to escape from the house, but I can see that your partner might see that as escaping from him, which can hurt.

Does he have friends that he goes out with? Maybe a boy's night out and a girl's night out on the same night could be a good compromise (assuming you can find a baby-sitter). My b/f plays on a pool league and that gives him an opportunity every week to hang out with friends. Some weeks, I go along and hang out with him and our mutual friends, and others I don't, so he has his space. I think once you both find the right balance, things will calm down. I wish you the best. :hug:

Can you limit your time out with your girlfriend? I think once a week (at least for my marriage) would be way too much. How about going out with your gal pals once a month or so and spending the rest of your weekends finding a sitter and doing romantic, fun things with your guy?

Also, if you turned the situation around... If your partner had lost a lot of weight and was looking fabulous and was going out on weekends with his guy friends... How would you feel about it? Personally, I would feel awful if my husband did this to me. I admit that I can be a little jealous at times and his being gone with his buddies rather than at home with me and our kids would make me feel lonely, depressed and really mad all at the same time.

No, it's not. We have a son together and I do love Matthew. I just hate it when he acts like this.

Matthew goes with us most of the time. Plus he gets out of the house every day to work, then goes to his friend Sean's every Saturday night. And I DON'T make him feel guilty for it because I honestly don't mind that he goes. Like with me and Kathy, knowing each other for 25 years, him and his friend Sean have been buds since high school. And they like spending time together, which I perfectly understand. I don't lay a guilt trip on him every time he goes over there.

So why can't I go out one night a week too?

Yes, he hangs with his friend Sean every weekend, especially during football season. He goes over there every Saturday and they watch football together all day and night.

He already does. And I don't mind a bit. Him and his friend Sean have gotten together on a regular basis since I met them both. I WANT them to keep their friendship.

I guess I should also mention that when I was heavy, I stayed locked up in my house for years. My friend Kathy tried hundreds of times to get me to go out, but I just wouldn't. So it's nice to finally start getting out again and enjoy myself.

Well, he doesn't need to. He works out and has a pretty nice body ;)

That... was just a little harsh. I know you're trying to slap me in the face with reality, but saying something like that is a little cruel.

Ahh, I see. I didn't realize that he has his night out, too. It sounded like you landed him with the kid and took off, hehe.:^: I think every marriage is different and so the "rules" are different, based solely upon what is acceptable to the couple. Have you discussed this with him? In his defense, it sounds like he is really, really trying to be supportive of your need to get out of the house and just gets overwhelmed sometimes and says silly things for attention. I think the only advice to offer in this case is to communicate very honestly with each other.

Seems to me that "Your Man" has some fear going on. You've lost weight, you feel good about yourself, & you're out there having fun. He probably harbors a little resentment that you're not home all the time, there when *HE* wants you to be there, etc. And he may even feel threatened, that you might meet someone else & leave him.

These are very valid fears. And altho he doesn't *mean to* he is projecting his fear on you. Those comments he makes that irritate you so much - it's like he's trying to make you feel "guilty" that you've lost weight & chose to spend time with your friend - which, by the way, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Maybe you just need to do some "reassurance" work on your hubby. If he needs some sort of validation, give it to him. Men are just big ol' babies. They need-need-need. But hey, so do we, in more ways than one.

Please don't feel guilty about going out w/your friend! - that's what friends are for! Once a week is not too much; I think that's just about right. We all need our "girly-girl" time, and our women friends are very important to our well-being. So don't give that up.

Does she have a husband or S.O.? If so, maybe y'all could all do something together, you know, as couples. Just a thought! ;)

It sounds to me like there is a communication problem going on here. I know I really have to lay it on the line with my husband if I want him to know how I feel. In other words if I don't spell it out for him he doesn't see it and he doesn't think that it is a big deal. Maybe you just need to tell him that you still love him and nothing has changed. You might also just tell him exactly what you are feeling because if you don't he won't get it. Me do not read minds at all.

You have to be very specific and say it like "when you do this..." it makes me feel like "this". My husband is not very good with expressing his own feelings most of the time I only get three expressions mad,mellow, and happy. Anything on the bad end and I get the mad one. Most of the time I just get the mellow. Rarely do I ever feel like I make him happy. Not that I feel like I don't, he is just not an emotional touchy feely type. GO figure. It has taken me a while to learn how to not take him personally (18 years/ married 12). When he is mad at anything I used to feel like he was always mad at me. It took a while to learn how to not be so sensitive myself.

Anyway, I think that if you just call a spade a spade and tell him exactly how it is, right now. It will keep things in check and keep you from getting really mad and actually breaking it off with him. Compressed feelings will either snuff out or explode. Who knows? Deal with him now and have a real heart to heart talk before serious damage happens.

SOME men are pathetic. SOME women are pathetic. What is really pathetic . . . okay maybe "sad" is a better word . . . is when two people have spent so much time toghether, but can't/don't communicate.

LLV: You said that before you lost weight, you stayed home. After you lost weight, you started going out. IMHO, this would bother anyone who is in a committed relationship. You weren't interested in going out until you looked good. Men are visual creatures, so it wouldn't surprise me that it translates into him thinking that you are going out to get attention from other men. Or it translates into him just knowing what other guys are after. It isn't unheard of for people - men and women - to have affairs. It isn't that he doesn't trust you, but that he doesn't trust the unknown.

You also said that you go out sometimes and sometimes is every weekend. Personally, I think that's a lot, but if he is at Sean's every weekend, then I guess that evens the points. Another member said that we need friends, and that's true, but you can keep in touch by phone or email.

It may not be THAT you are going. It may be WHERE you are going. Does your "going out" mean going to clubs or bars? It doesn't sound like you are out at the mall. There is a huge difference (at least to me) for you to be at a club and Matthew is at Sean's house.

And finally, I think his comments are a cry for your attention and for some acknowledgement that he is still valued. I think that you should see your friend one weekend a month, he should see Sean one weekend a month and make a date with each other the other two weekends.

WEll, I know we are all different, but I had plenty of time as a single person and the only time I went to bars/clubs was when I was on the prowl. :s: I'm not saying that this is why you go out with your girlfriend, and maybe you are just looking for some attention to show off your new figure... It's a totally free world and you should feel free to do what you want, but you have to expect this to instill some insecurities in your DH. He's a man...and he knows how men think...and since I've gotten the impression that you're going out to bars with Kathy, he knows that men assume that if a girl is in a bar, she's prowling. You may not be, but men that see you out will think you are and DH will be knowing that you're out there with this assumption going on in the male population's mind. He probably trusts you, but going to bars will dwindle this trust ...bars are nothing but trouble for a relationship if you don't go there with DH.

I totally agree with wanting friendships outside of your household. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I LOVE sitting over an iced tea with a pile of girlfriends talking about the teachers at school or the sleezy lady down at the marina and things...on the first Wednesday of the month for lunch-type thing.

As I said...you're free to do what you want, but IMHO, going to bars...or making a habit of going out every single weekend on friday night with someone other than your DH is asking for trouble in your relationship.

Basically, your DH should be your very best friend and you should want to be spending most of your spare time with him if you get my drift. I know you love him, but you're being annoyed with him and you wanting to escape from him and your house every weekend sounds like the beginnign of the end to me. I've had TONS of ended relationships in my life, and that was always the first sign of doom for me. :hug: Hope this doesn't mean the same for you.

I too lost a husband and I don't think Sandi D's post was cruel at all. A lot of people DON'T realize what they have until it's gone.

Also, I agree with Ms. Shapen...

Just kind of read through the thread again, and I think everything is getting a bit out proportion.

I'm just going to speak here from my own experience: relationships last a long time, and during that time there is going to be an ebb and flow. Sometimes things "click" and all you want to do is spend time with each other, at other times interests kind of wander a bit and each will (or one or the other will) be pulling just a little bit in a different direction. A strong relationship is one where people can move through all of these different times without causing a major disruption to the fundumental health of the partnership.

I don't think that LLV was EVER saying that she did not want to spend time with her guy- just that she wanted there to be room for her to not be with him, and for that to be okay. Yes, he says that "it's okay", but actions speak so much louder than words.

And, as far as "prowling" is concerned: don't paint me (for one) with that brush. Just because one person only goes to out in order to go home with someone doesn't mean that that is the only reason I go out. I go out to laugh, to share, to make new memories, to refresh myself. (Not that I do it much, but it does happen :)). I would be very resentful if anyone ever insinuated that the only reason I was going to spend the evening with a friend was because I wanted to cheat! I could only imagine that the person had the lowest level of respect for my character.

And, finally, there is such a thing as blowing off steam. Hey, we all get frustrated at times and there are times a situation just seems hopeless until some time has passed, or we've had a chance to voice that frustration. That does not mean that a relationship is in danger.

I'll just throw my opinion out there, too, for what it's worth.

I had a couple of thoughts reading through the emails. At first, I thought that the problem was you going out and he staying home every weekend but then you said he went and spent time with his buds each Saturday. You kind of contradicted, though, when initially I think you said he'd gotten to be a jelly belly since you'd lost weight but when someone mentioned his weight you said he worked out and had a nice body? So now I'm totally confused. But from what I can decipher my opinion would be that he went through all of those years of you being heavy and refusing to go out with your friend...but now that you've lost weight you're ready to party. I'm sure he's not the only one who would step back and wonder what that was about. If you were really just wanting so much time with Kathy then you would have had that time when you were fat, too.

Also, I have to wonder, if you're out every Friday, and he's out every Saturday, and when you aren't out you're irritating each other about whether or not you're going out together during the upcoming weekend, when do you go out and play as a family? I think your son may be getting the shortest end of this stick.

All that being said...sometimes when we're totally ticked off we vent only the bad and in your defense and his, we don't get the benefit of seeing what is good in your relationship at the moment...so our opinions are all biased, anyway.

My advice would be to choose who is most important to you. Is it Kathy or your husband? Then, act accordingly....and I'm not meaning givine her up if he's most important. But I am meaning put his feelings first when you're making plans with her. Time with her could be the movies, a coffee shop, the mall, etc...it doesn't have to be spent bar-hopping.

And lastly...if she is truly a concerned friend she will absolutely step up to the plate and help you keep your home life as happy as your play life.

Wishing you all the best!
Tricia

Thank you, everyone, for your advice. And it's wonderful advice. I didn't mean to sound all poopy in my posts, it's just what he said (about going out and getting himself shot) really upset me. Forgive me if I don't respond to each of you individually, but I just wanted you to know that I've read all of your messages and appreciate them very much. It's nice to vent and actually have people listen and respond.

I know I've probably contradicted myself all over the place because I didn't give all the details in my first post. You know how it is when you're mad; you sit down and just type and things just come out. And not always in a good way.

I'll agree that Matthew's actions are a cry for attention. And him and I *do* spend time alone together and yes, we spend time with our son as well. I think everything evens out, to be honest. But sometimes miscommunications happen between two people. It's life. I was in no way saying I didn't love him anymore and wanted to "get rid" of him. I'm just trying to understand him. And you've all helped me to do that :)

I think tonight him and I will spend some time together... if we can get our son to sleep and away from the dogs, that is! It's not easy in this house, lol.

Thanks, everyone.

Well he's not perfect but yes, he works out and has a really nice form.

I don't recall saying he had a jelly belly, though, lol. But he does have an area around his 'midriff' that can't be worked off. The reason for this is because he's had major surgery in the past and has a scar there that caused his skin to become... well, not elastic. It never bounced back. So even with all the working out he's done, it won't go away.

But it's nothing drastic and doesn't bother me :)

not sure if this wae mentioned~~Sounds to me like your man is affraid you are going to find someone else. HAve you sat down and asked him what going on? Why he is feeling so insecure? Guys need reasurance they like to know they are wanted and needed and that you find them sexy, so maybe planting more comments( which I am sure you already plant) here and there and initiating some more intamacy may make him feel more secure.

As some one mentioned, guys night may be all he needs? Does he have friends he can set that up with?maybe a weekly poker night ar something...

I dunnno, I am probably not much help lol

Yes, him and I had that talk. And I flat out told him that if he can't trust me now, he'll never be able to. I also assured him that I wasn't going out to find somebody else. But he sometimes acts like he doesn't believe me.

There's nothing else I can do about it. Him and I spend time together (intimately and all) I've told him I'm not out looking for another man and he's just going to have to trust me.

If he does he does. If he doesn't... then he doesn't.

I wouldn't agree that if he can't trust you now, he never will. You've made some drastic changes in both your appearance and your behavior. In essence you've become a new person, a person he doesn't know very well. His brain may tell him he can trust you, but his instincts say he doesn't know the new you well enough to trust.

Part of him misses the old you, the person he knows the best. You telling him you love him, but being anxious to go out a lot when you didn't before, and being annoyed when he comes along, or annoyed at his insecurities, doesn't really add up to him. It's like to him, the OLD you loves him, but the NEW you can't wait to be shed of him. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to think it, because reading your posts, I thought it. I'm not saying it's true, only that with what you are saying and doing, it does seem that way.

Well, I never said it wasn't. Believe me, I perfectly understand his insecurities. But that particular night and that particular comment really upset me and I just needed a place to vent.

Thanks everybody for listening.

I didn't go through all the posts but I was wondering why you go out almost every weekend? If you do go out almost every weekend how about going out with your hubby instead of you girlfriend, maybe you'll see why your with him in the first place...
Sorry if I offended you, just the way I think...
I'm getting divorced because my ex went out ever weekend without me and then sometimes during the week too, he was looking for something in someone else that he had right here at home.
Again apologies...

No, you didn't read all of the posts ;)

Him and I do go out and spend time together. And he goes to his friend Sean's every Saturday.

Because she's my best friend of 25 years and we enjoy each other's company.

To answer this question :)

What other reason do I need?

Ahhhhh good for you, Gary!!! Your wife if fortunate!!! ;)

Now, there, see... I gave you a sincere compliment! :dance: