Originally Posted by telemetrynurse:

If you won the lottery would you stay with your husband?

If the answer is "no" you need to get out.

If the answer is "yes" you should explore ways to make the relationship work, if possible --counseling. Even though he has refused you should still seek help, imo, to gain insight into the situation.

Another question to ask...

If you had 6 months to live...would you want to spend that time with your husband?

An acquaintance of mine said her asked herself this questiong when she was considering separating from her husband.

Originally Posted by :
Originally Posted by telemetrynurse

If you won the lottery would you stay with your husband?

If the answer is "no" you need to get out.

If the answer is "yes" you should explore ways to make the relationship work, if possible --counseling. Even though he has refused you should still seek help, imo, to gain insight into the situation.

Just because you love someone, does not mean you should stay!!!!
There are a lot of women who feel they love the men that abuse them and end up staying. Many times they end up hurt or worse. This man is not good for you and the relationship is very unhealthy. You cannot change this type of behavior! (Maybe in some rare instances for the men who actually WANT to change) Please take care of yourself and follow the financial advice posted by the other women here. My credit got destroyed in my divorce because he thought I was lucky to leave "with the clothes on my back".

Originally Posted by 4myself:
The only "problem" I've had with that is him calling me dumb a$$ and remarking on my weight at times (he accused me of breaking the toilet because I "sit on it too hard"?). I don't know if that's emotional abuse or me being overly sensitive again. We have had a problem with his drinking, but he says he just does it to flush out his kidneys.

You're not being sensitive. That's definitely verbal abuse. And he can't help his kidneys by damaging his liver, so that's hogwash. He's an alcoholic. It is very typical of alcoholics to be in denial about their drinking, and to blame other people for their problems (hence, his trying to make you responsible for his spending).

I agree with everyone who said not to get a joint account with him. In fact, you should be putting money aside regularly in your own account in case you need to leave. You should also seriously consider attending Al-Anon. They can give you the support and insight you need to make an intelligent decision about your marriage.

I'd have to say that yes, your marriage IS screwed. Because he's a control freak and has already made it clear that he has no interest in working on the marriage or going to counseling. You can't salvage a marriage with only one party interested in salvaging it. I see your location is AK. The problem is that AK is a common law property state. However, even common law states often recognize what goes on "during" the marriage. Since he owned the house pre-marriage, you wouldn't have any claim to it in AK, but you may have legal claim to any portion you pay into it during the marriage. If you've given him any money from the sell of your trailer, you may also be entitled to get that back from him. But the bad news for him, if he buys a house while you're married, putting it in his dad's name won't help him. Half of it will legally be yours and he'll be required to either buy you out of the equity, if the court even orders that he's the one allowed to remain in it.

I'd say you have two choices, because I don't believe there's any hope of fixing a marriage in which one party doesn't think it needs fixed. And this one DEFINATELY needs fixed.

1. You can stick it out til he's invested in the marriage long enough that the court is going to divide things up.

2. You can get out now and cut your losses.

Option 1 carries problems with it. If he's this controlling now, how much worse can it get? You have no guarantee of getting anything from this, even if the court orders it. People have ways of hiding money. You may be faced with a longer, more drawn-out, more expensive legal battle and neither of you will have anything left when it's over.

Can't say that I'm any type of expert on it, but being owed child support for many many years, I've spent the last 10 years (since I got net access) frequenting child support boards. These boards are of course located at divorce sites. So I've spent 10 years around divorce issues. And I've spent 19 trying to collect CS from a man who sounds just like your husband. Those guys do not change.

"200 is rent" where do you live i want to move there.... rent here in Miami is over 1 thousand a month.....

Get out NOW, while you can. And, whatever you do, DO NOT GET PREGNANT at this time. This man is a control freak, as others have said. He doesn't respect you at all. And, he IS verbally abusing you.

I can speak from experience, as can many others. My first marriage lasted 17 years!! I was married young, at 21, he was 23. From the first year, there were problems. I was always a 2nd class citizen, but was young and naive at the time and hoped things would get better. As the years went on, things just got worse. 8 years, yes, 8 years into the marriage, we decided having a kid was a great idea and would make things better. NOT!! I love my son dearly and am very glad I have him, but it was NOT a solution. At that point, I became a stay home mom and raised him. We also started a business, which I did the majority of (typesetting and later developed a magazine that grew to 48 pages a month. I did all the ad design, layout, lots of article writing, website design and upkeep, etc.) I was not paid for this work. This was my contribution to the marriage, but it turned into almost a full-time job. I was also homeschooling our son at that point. And, trying to keep up the house, cook, etc. for a man who would constantly criticize how I did things. I couldn't even load the dishwasher right. Now, by this time, we had built a house together, the business and had a young son. My husband controlled everything. He had the checkbooks, both personal and business, he paid the bills, told me how much to spend on groceries, etc. I had to ask for any money that I needed and account for anything I spent. Remember, I wasn't making any money and had no income from our profitable business. HE could buy anything he wanted, go out and have lunch every day, etc. By this time, he was working only the business as he had quit his other job several years before to work during the day selling ads. If he sold one ad in a day, he thought he did good. But, yet, he was gone ALL day and into the evening while I was home doing everything. We even had lawn service so he wouldn't have to mow the yard. He bartered an ad for it. Now, son was in activities. Lots of activities. I did have a car, but he would check the mileage on it to make sure I hadn't driven farther than I should have. He would give me $5.00 for gas for the week!! And my son had activities 4-5 times a week which I took him to. No, it wasn't enough, so I started selling Avon. I had to do something for some money, cause I got tired of asking him for any. I made enough to put a bit extra gas in my car, and also buy presents for my family at Christmas, cause there wasn't any money coming from him. I did that for 2 years, along with everything else. By this time, I was getting pretty darn burnt out. Also, very fat, unhappy and unhealthy. Once I went to the bank and took $10.00 out of the savings acct. so as not to mess up the check book. I would have told him when he got home, but he called me later that day and asked why I needed the money. Believe it or not, one of the spies at the bank (he was pretty friendly with all of them) called him or saw him at the bank later and told him I took money out of the acct even though I was on it too! Total control freak. Near the end, it got to where he would even go do the grocery shopping, or go with me and make sure I spent what I said I did and didn't pocket any money.

This all took place over a period of YEARS. Oh, also I had a pager and cell phone so he could keep track of me, believe it or not. Why did I put up with it? Cause we went to counseling and tried to make things work, for our son. 6 years after the first year of counseling, we went again. Actually, I went alone, then he decided he better come too to make sure I was "under control". Uggh. After another year of that crap, even the counselor said I should leave him. Same counselor we had seen 6 years before. Also, the same counselor who actually told me, before, that I shouldn't make any plans to leave or divorce until my son was 18 and out of the house. He was 7 at that time. Before he turned 8, we were gone. The end came pretty quick. I got tired of being controlled so I started fighting back. There were lots of screaming matches, he would throw stuff at me, etc. When he raised his fist to hit me one day, that was the last straw. I moved out with my son and went to live with my sister. I took my old car, me and my son and a few clothes. Everything else was left behind. In the divorce, I gave him the house but he had to refinance and get my name off it, two other cars and the business, as well as most of the household possessions. I only wanted some personal stuff my parents had given me. I was done and wanted out. To do it all over again, I would do things much differently. He took forever to sign the papers. Another control thing. I had a lawyer though and it finally went through. Finally. But, he harassed me daily during that time. To the point I was going to get a restraining order on him. I had to threaten him with that many times, and I finally had to have it put in our papers that he would leave me alone. We finally divorced through the courts on Feb. 7 3 years ago. We were separated for over a year and a half before things went through.

During that time, I met a wonderful man. He and I have been married now for 3 years in July. Yes, it was quick. I met him in June of 2002, we moved in together in October of 2002, married in July of 2003. When I met him, my car was pretty much a piece of you know what by that time and not very safe. He had just bought a really nice little truck, which he GAVE to me in September of 2002, a month before I moved in with him. It had air bags, etc. and was much safer than my car, which he proceeded to drive, cause he didn't have far to drive back and forth to work. He loved me and my son enough to make sure we were safe. Also, during this time, I had been working full-time, but hurt my back. I had just moved into a little tiny garage apartment, from my sister's house, before I moved in with him. I had a 6 month lease. Once I had to quit my job, he paid all my bills until I moved in with him, and he continued paying the apartment lease until the lease was up. When I moved in, we talked about me working, etc. once my back was better. He said it was up to me. At this time, we had alrady made plans to get married. I chose to stay home, to take my son back and forth to school, etc. He prefers me staying home. I do all the household chores, etc. unless I need him to help and he gladly pitches in. He works fulltime, was going to college, although at this point, classes have ended for now, takes care of the yard, outside work, etc. maintains the cars, etc. does side jobs fixing computers, all kinds of stuff. Walks both the very large dogs we have, when he's home.

He is a wonderful man. My son loves him. He's a great step dad. I can have, do or buy whatever I want and don't have to ask first. I handle all the household monies. His check is direct deposited into a joint acct. and then I transfer it to another joint acct. to pay bills out of. He's primary on one, me on the other. I give him money every other Friday as spending money. He trusts me to handle everything. I don't pay rent, utilities, or anything like that out of my pocket. Right now, I have no income, but I do have access to his money, which he says is our money. He doesn't go behind me and check the accts, check book or anything like that. He doesn't really care except to make sure he's making enough money to maintain what we need. We live in a manufactured home that was his grandmothers who died. We don't have alot of expensive stuff, but what we do have is nice. I shop thrift stores for stuff when I can, and clearance racks. I make good money decisions. There is always food on the table and a roof over our heads. The bills are mostly paid on time. This is all up to me. That's my contribution to the family. My son, who is 12, doesn't really "need" me to be here when he gets home from school. I could work part-time, or even full-time and it's ok with my husband, either way. He loves me and wants me to be able to do what I want, when I want. Everything is "ours". Amazing, since it wasn't this way with his first wife of 12 years, who ran them into financial ruin. They had three kids and he is still paying child support, LOTS of child support for them. We live on almost less than what we give her, but we make it work. Yes, I could work, but we are happy the way things are currently. I love being able to stay home, raise our puppy, take care of my cats (I do cat rescue) be here for his parents who are older (they live next door), run back and forth to do errands during the day, go exercise at Curves during the day, or the gym. We do Tae Kwon Do at night, as a family, several nights a week. I get to do whatever I want during the day. It's wonderful. I can do laundry, cook, grocery shop, go to thrift stores, etc. when I feel like it, and still be here every afternoon and evening for my family. I have a GREAT life and I know it. And, I appreciate it. He treats me with respect, he loves me, he takes wonderful care of us and tells me all the time how gorgeous and sexy I am. What more can I ask for?

I went from a bad relationship to a fantastic one. I can really, really see the difference. Don't stay in the relationship you are in. It's not worth it.

Kathy

Get out of this. Over-control is the first step in abuse.

fitgal2 - This is totally off-topic, but I love your photos, and your writing. You are very talented!

When I read your first post, I didn't automatically assume your husband was being abusive or complletely unreasonable (insensitive and stubborn, and sterotypically macho, surely). Even some negative comments don't necessarily make him abusive (none of us are immune from saying hurtful things to loved ones sometimes, especially when we're feeling angry or frustrated or feeling attacked ourselves).

It is hard to say from the little information given which of you is being "more" unreasonable, but it seems to me that both of you are. If both of you are working, it doesn't seem fair that your husband pay all of the expenses and you use or save all of "your" money only for yourself. It also is unreasonable for your husband to have the house in his dad's name to protect it from you (but if he is paying all the bills, I can see why he would be concerned that he could lose it - though why he is already considering divorce a possible future for you is also troubling). It doesn't sound like either of you are truly committed to your marriage or your life together, or you would be more willing to contribute to family expenses, and he wouldn't already be preparing for divorce.

I agree that how you will deal with money should be negotiated before marriage, but no matter what you did or didn't agree to before the marriage, the marriage "rules" including finances have to be discussed and negotiated throughout the marriage. You both need to learn to compromise and be comfortable creating one life from two, before this will work. I don't see this working out without counseling/mentoring of some sort. Many men resist counseling, especially if they feel they have a way out, but if it comes to counseling or ending the marriage, many are willing to at least give it a try (most are afraid that if the wife suggests it, she already knows the counselor is going to take her side). If your husband would be more comfortable talking to a male counselor or a minister, it might be a place to start. Many churches also have marriage seminars run by older married couples that can help a great deal. My in-laws participate in weekend marriage retreats and they share their own experiences and all sorts of topics relevant to making marriages work.

My husband and I have been through so much, and the rules keep changing for us. Neither of us bargained for what we have had to face. His job loss, with me supporting us for eight months. A move to another state so he could get work, and I could quit work due to disability. A year with only his income. My getting disability. His illnesses/injuries which could result in his becoming disabled. In some ways it's a miracle our marriage is as strong as it is, but both of us are above all flexible, and willing to renegotiate and revise our expectations for our life. It's really hard work, but with both of us working together for common goals, it has been amazing.

Good Luck

Colleen

4myself......in the words of Dr phil." how is that working for ya?'...and "what were you thinking?"..................he would tell you to get a life, get the **** out and think more of yourself as a person!
Girl you deserve way more then this, this is mot a partnership, this is a controlled situation and no-one deserves to be controlled. Love is never haveing to say sorry, and if you continue in this relationship you will spend the rest of your life appologizing, Hold your head high and know their is someone out there, that will see you as an equal, love you for you, and treat you like a women not a child!

he doesnt want a wife he wants a room mate and then probably the freedom (and money) to do as he pleases...GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN and find someone that truly loves and cherishes you!

First, let me say that I am 100% supportive of the idea of sanctity of the marriage vows and the need to work out marital issues. However, NO ONE should stay in an abusive situation and, if you have accurately described your situation (which I assume you have) GET OUT NOW before this man turns violent. Sounds as if you are not safe... AND he is making excuses for his drinking. Help is out there... get out and get help!

Dance

Sounds like a marraige that never should have happened to me. Have you tried going to a Christian church and re-focus as to why you are together in the first place?

Originally Posted by EZMONEY:
Sounds like a marraige that never should have happened to me. Have you tried going to a Christian church and re-focus as to why you are together in the first place?

Excellent idea! Wish I had said it!!! :^:

Dance

Wow. I hate to be the only disenting voice here, but 200 dollars doesn't sound like much to me at all. Do you watch TV? Maybe you didn't want or ask for direct TV, but do you benefit from it? Do you live in the house? If you didn't live there and lived somewhere else, wouldn't you have to pay rent? Yes he has to pay it anyway, but if he rented out a room or had a roommate, I'm sure they would contribute something toward the rent.

The water you use, the electricity, ok maybe not the phone if you honestly don't use it, but the other things sound reasonable to me. I can't picture ANY place where you can live for under 200 a month. It sounds to me like you are both being childish and unreasonable.

It also sounds like you need to either create a marriage where you act as partners to one another, or you need to end it and grow up and live on your own paying your own way. I can't see you being able to do that for under 200 a month though, so if you think you can, go for it.