[ali_cat]

Hm...ok, I've got this...friend. We used to be such good friends but lately it almost seems like it's not worth the effort. I have no freedom away anymore, because if I go off with another friend she accuses me of not wanting to be around her anymore. Not that I spend much time away anyway, but the point is I want to be able to go if I want to and not feel like I'm going to come back to her being pissed off. I've talked to her about this, but she just tells me i don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm at my wits end here. I don't know what to do.

[Sweater Girl]

Hi Ali-Cat:

Is your friend passionate about something? Does she love reading? Maybe encourage her to join a book club, does she love/hate public speaking? Maybe suggest joining a toastmasters club (a lot of people there are inately shy, but learn great speaking skills and make lots of contacts).If she loves Acting, join or help with a play. If she loves kids encourage her to volunteer at a hospital or a day care (heck getting her to volunteer period is an excellent thing to do, it will give her a great perspective on stuff). If that doesn't work, maybe you could join some other activities and it may inspire her to do something in her life or she might join you and perhaps she could branch out there too.

You could also be honest with her. Encourage her to branch out her social circle and say it's healthy to do so. Heck it's healthy for married people to have separate interests. She probably won't like what you're saying, but if she's so clingy and it is driving you crazy, suggesting constructive activities can help. I am not saying stop being friends with her, but you gotta do what is best for you. My best friend and I live in different cities, but talk at least 3-4 times a week, we have different activities and circle of friends, but still remain super close.


Cheers and take care!

Ali

[ali_cat]

I've actually done that and she won't budge. She acts as though she's too good for those clubs and what not and won't join them. I've joined things and volunteered and she just regards me with disdain for doing so. Thanks for the suggestion though.

[mauvaisroux]

Gee, regarding you with disdain for joining things and volunteering doesn't make her sound like much of a friend. Then again some people put down things or others because they lack the self confidence to do those things and are afraid to try for fear of not fitting in with others or failing in the attempt to try something new.

Is there something she does like to do? Maybe you could set aside one evening or day per week or month to do something she likes to do. That way you have a set date so that she doesn't feel neglected or left out.

If she keep up the attitude about your other friends and putting you down for joining groups and participating in other activities you may have to just let the friendship go. Don't feel guilty about it either - friends can sometimes grow apart when they start developing separate interests and the circumstances in their lives change. It is something that most people go through at some point in time.

Try to do the best you can at maintaining the friendship if that is what you want but don't give up the other aspects in your life for someone else - you need to do what is best for you and live your own life. I have had to let go of one or two friendships in the past because I was moving forward and the other person was not - I was sad at the time but I needed to lead my own life.

Good luck

[ali_cat]

Originally Posted by mauvaisroux

Is there something she does like to do? Maybe you could set aside one evening or day per week or month to do something she likes to do. That way you have a set date so that she doesn't feel neglected or left out.

I do it...every night of the week lately it seems.

*sigh* I guess I don't have much choice then. Honestly, I don't know what else to do here. Thanks guys.

[mauvaisroux]

Hon, you need to do what is best for you.

It isn't always easy but if someone is making unreasonable demands of you and your time you need to realize that you come first. It is not selfish to put yourself and your own mental and spiritual well being ahead of other people, especially when you are making attempts and they don't want to change or try. Being around negative people can really be a huge emotional drain. If this person is unhappy but doesn't want to do anything about it you can't force them to.

It is always sad to let go of a friendship but sometimes it needs to be done in order for you to move on with your own life

[Tippy]

Its time for you to move on. This person is NOT your friend. All she wants is to control you and that is her only goal. Drop her, slowly if you like. But, if it were me, I'd drop her fast. Don't phone her. Don't take her calls. If you see her, say hello and move on. Go and make friends with other people. Build yourself a good life. Maybe someday she will grow too.

[Samantha2002]

I used to have a friend who was exactly like that. At first, I thought it was great because she always wanted to hang out. She would come up to work (we both worked at a convenience store together) and hang out, help me close, etc, etc. But then, she wanted me to do the same thing. I am married, and live at home with my husband. She couldn't understand that although I wanted to hang out with her, I had more responsibilities that I needed to take care of. Then, when I got home, she would call me & want to talk on the phone FOREVER!
So...I found another job & stopped answering the phone. Probably not the best way to handle the situation, but she was emotionally draining to be around. I couldn't handle it anymore. Being with her was physically exhausting.
Anyways, I know what you are going through, & I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do to fix the problem.

Sam