Ok- I need to vent and I need some honest feedback here. My husband and I got in an argument this morning and I can see his side of things, but I don't feel like he's seeing mine. Let me lay the background: 3 months ago my husband's oldest son from his first marriage was diagnosed with leukemia. My step-son and husband traveled from our home in Alaska to Seattle for my step-son to receive care. My husband's ex-wife lives in Seattle and she was quite hospitable to my husband, frequently taking him out to dinner (with my step-son and her husband) or lunch.
My relationship with his ex-wife is rancorous. She was a childhood friend that shunned me once we hit high school because she was in the in-crowd and I was not. She would only hang out with me if no one cooler was available. She got married young to the man who later became my own husband. We lost contact after high school entirely.
10 years go by and I ran into the man who would become my husband- he tells me that he's getting divorced and the divorce is to be finalized 3 days later. I had recently gotten out of a relationship, and a few weeks after his divorce he called me and asked me out. I accepted. We began dating- the rest is history- we've been together 18 years now. I should also mention that at the time of the divorce, his ex-wife was already living with another man (who she later married and they remain married to this day also).
However- his ex-wife has gone around telling a number of our mutual friends and acquaintances and family that I busted up her marriage. She told people I had always wanted her husband, that I'd always been waiting in the shadows, and that I'd told him that she was cheating on him and that's why he divorced her, and that I was a home-wrecker. None of this has any basis in reality or fact.
My step-son is home for a couple of weeks and my husband wants to have a BBQ at our house and invite family and friends. His ex-wife is also up here (her father still lives here) and my husband wants to invite her as well. I do not want her in my home. He feels that because she was hospitable to him when he was in Seattle, that he should return the gesture. I understand that- and yet I still do not want her in my home. He thinks I'm being petty. I acknowledge this is a possibility. I take it very personally that she has told people I broke up her marriage. I am not a homewrecker, and I did not have a single thing to do with the demise of her marriage. I am angry, in return, because it feels like my husband values her good opinion of him more than he values my feelings on this issue. He says it was 10 years ago she was saying these things, and that I need to let it go. I'm not so sure it has been that long since she's said those things because my step-son's significant other made a comment over Christmas that indicated she's said something more recently. I have never said anything to the kids or anyone other than my husband about this and my husband never says anything to anyone either so any ideas the kids or their SO's have gotten would have to have come from her.
I've tried to present both sides of this. I do understand my husband's position. I probably wouldn't mind inviting this woman to a dinner at a restaurant...but I really just don't want her in my home. My home is my sanctuary. I would never try to invite someone to our home that my husband didn't want there, nor would I try to convince him he was wrong about it.
So- feedback. Am I being completely unreasonable? Do I need to set this aside and be the bigger person and allow my husband to invite this woman to our home?
Oooooh, girl! First of all, this sounds like a tough situation. Also, it sounds like you did a VERY good job of presenting both sides in a fair and balanced manner. For what it's worth, I can see why your husband might want to reciprocate her hospitality; this woman was hospitable to him in a time of need. I'm with you, though. I would not want to entertain in my home someone who I knew had been speaking badly of me.
Hoping you and your hubby can stand united in this one, though. Maybe compromise with that dinner at a restaurant?
No, you are not being unreasonable. Normally I would agree that the ex-wife should not be invited. The only reason I think you should consider it is because your stepson is sick (I assume he is still undergoing treatment). I can only imagine what this is like for your husband and if it were me, I would let this one go. It may not be easy, she sounds horrible
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I can give pro and con to each side of this story. First of all, I think your happiness should be your husband's first priority, but then I agree with Lynn that your step-son's illness is changing the rules a bit.
When you marry someone who has children from a previous relationship that is always going to be a game changer.
I would be the bigger person. I would invite her and I would be so sweet and gracious to her that no one could possibly find fault. I would totally ignore any of her actions or comments, and just keep smiling. But behind the scenes, I would make sure DH knew your true feelings about the matter.
My situation was different. I got along very well with DH's ex, so much that I think we could have been BFF, but DH didn't want her anywhere near him. His children lived with us, and I did most of the communications with her regarding the children, because they could not communicate without a screaming match.
This is one day in your life. You can get through this.
Your husband should have straightened this out years ago because it is slander. She was upset because you were girlfriends at one time and you dated her ex. Maybe you should ask her to lunch your treat and casually mention your confusion hearing this history of events. Or a letter or even a nice phone chat. The old friendship feeling may happen and you can chat and work this out. You may never be close again but after she apologized you can at least be civil. Good luck.
Last edited by Wannabehealthy; 04-21-2018 at 11:18 AM.
Location: Home of the Pirates, Steelers and Penguins
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oppaloopa
Your husband should have straightened this out years ago because it is slander. She was upset because you were girlfriends at one time and you dated her ex. Maybe you should ask her to lunch your treat and casually mention your confusion hearing this history of events. Or a letter or even a nice phone chat. The old friendship feeling may happen and you can chat and work this out. You may never be close again but after she apologized you can at least be civil. Good luck.
From what EagleRiverDee has shared about this woman, I don't see her EVER apologizing.
Actually, I don't understand the people who are telling you what she has said. I would never run to someone and tell them derogatory comments someone else has said about them. It's just going to hurt unnecessarily.
Last edited by Wannabehealthy; 04-21-2018 at 11:20 AM.
I really appreciate your points of view. And yes, this person will never apologize, I feel quite certain of that. She doesn't ever seem to think she's done anything wrong.
I did offer to do a compromise and do a family dinner at a restaurant to which she could be invited. My husband did not bite off on that, and appears to have dropped the idea entirely. He still seems a little miffed, but he says he understands my POV. I struggle to be the "bigger person" in this instance because it's been only weeks since this woman did something else to a friend of mine who also used to be a friend of hers that I found really unkind. It just confirmed my opinion that this woman is not a nice person and I just don't want to host her in my home. I feel like I'd have to burn sage or something after she left just to drive out the negative energy. I say that a bit tongue-in-cheek because I'm not a new-age type, but also sort of serious.
I also want to add that my step-son does not live with us. He's 27 and has his own place, so my unwillingness to have this woman in my home would only affect the actual BBQ and not the rest of it. She can visit him any time she wants at his own place. But my husband was reluctant to throw a BBQ and not invite her, so we're going to do it next week after she goes back to Seattle.
Last edited by EagleRiverDee; 04-23-2018 at 03:33 PM.
...it seems as if the issue has been dropped, so perhaps my comments come too late:
(i) I think it makes complete sense that the ex-wife NOT be invited into your home. Since it seems like your husband has dropped the "home-BBQ" idea, I need say nothing more, on that.
(ii) gossipers are gonna gossip! Whatever the ex-wife said, or didn't say, should not occupy one piece of your brain matter. I do not pretend this is an easy thing to do - you have to create a firm boundary, for ONLY you to obey, which is that you cannot control what she will say. What she will do. And anybody that chooses to try and TELL you what ex-wife is saying, or doing, should politely be brushed aside, as you re-state your own firm boundary.
(iii) I am sorry to hear of the health news of your stepSon. I truly hope that his journey back to health is the best that it can possibly be.
So glad the hubby's dropped the idea of inviting her... I completely know the type of person and from how you've described her, sage probably isn't such a bad idea.
Need to vent- fight with hubby
