So this is a bit of a rant, but if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate that to. It's also very long.. apologies for that.

My son is six years old. His dad and I are separated. Dad has main custody while I get to visit with kiddo on some weekends, during the holidays, and then chunks of time for school breaks. This is mainly due to some mental health issues I've had in the past, and not because I didn't want custody of my son. Anyway, suffice to say the main chunk of his time is spent at his dad's. His dad is not eating in a healthy way, nor is he enforcing healthy eating habits. Which I can't make him do or anything, and is not really my place to tell him to do.

Now, where it starts to become a problem, or has been lately, is that when kiddo comes to visit me he doesn't want to eat healthy at all. He wants pizza, and chicken nuggets, or tons of ramen noodles, cheese sticks, and snacks galore, which is what he gets at his dad's house. It's not uncommon for my son to be brought to our house with an open bag of chips (big bag, we're talking family size) that is his to finish. Since we've been doing more healthy meals, that stuff really isn't in the household. We have a minimal amount of chips and don't really order out anymore.

If he doesn't get pizza, chicken nuggets, or ramen.. he refuses to eat meals. Literally will start crying, which gets him sent to his room.. he gets to come out when he's done crying, and usually speaking I'll leave his food out for around 30 minutes, and after that I'll store it in the fridge for when he's hungry.. with the theory that once he's hungry enough he'll eat it. This happens even with foods (like tacos) that I know he likes and will eat fine after he takes the first bite.. but getting him to take a bite is like pulling teeth.

So there's a few things that I'm worried about. First is that he tells his dad I'm starving him. I've explained to his dad exactly what's happening. That I'm giving him food and all.. and he's just choosing to throw a fit sometimes. The whole family has seen him do it, so that part isn't surprising. The part that does worry me is his dad isn't really supportive. In his dad's mind if he doesn't eat what I'm giving him.. and I don't give him something he will eat, then I am starving him.. even when the originally thing is something he's eaten in the past. To me, giving in is not only teaching my son bad eating habits, but also teaching him that he doesn't have to follow my rules, and that he can manipulate me. I did give in over Christmas, we got pizza a few times in a week and a half.. and had McDonalds. I definitely did not feel good about it. I definitely don't want to lose visitation or something because I'm "starving" him... and then there was that whole deal where a dad was declared an unfit parent by a psychologist in a custody battle because he didn't take his kid to McDonalds.

In that same vein of thought.. I don't want my son to hate my house. Kids that age are really fickle. I don't want my house to be a negative place where he doesn't want to go because he doesn't get to eat what he wants, when he wants. His dad also lets him help himself to the fridge so he can grab string cheese when he wants.. and he makes sure to tell me his dad lets him get food when he wants. So during Christmas I got a lot of "at daddy's house I can get my own pizza" or "at daddy's house I can have 3 pieces of pizza". Add that to other things, like daddy letting him play games for as long as he wants, or daddy not making him sleep in his own bed.. and there's a lot of bad stuff (rules) that happen at my house.. which turns into a negative thing.

I'm also afraid of him picking up even worse diet habits from ex's roommate. While son was here for Christmas I tried getting him to taste some green beans I had made. He told me he doesn't like green things. The wording of that scares me because ex's roommate doesn't like green. He has some weird aversion to it where he won't eat anything green, nor will he eat off of anything green. No green plates, no green utensils, no green tables or tablecloths, nothing green. I don't know why he's like that.. but I'm afraid that because it gets joked about between friends, and laughed at.. my son thinks it's a funny thing to do/say and is picking up on the habit.

What I have been trying to do is get kiddo involved in stuff without forcing it.. aside from the whole making him eat meals. I'll have him help me add things to recipes I'm making so he's involved in actually cooking. I'll do "challenges" cause he seems to like those for small exercises. Like seeing who can do more jumping jacks... but it doesn't seem to be getting him actually interested in trying new foods, or liking exercise. Kiddo is not overweight yet, I just know that bad habits are a large part of why I ended up where I am.. and I really want to try and change that for kiddo.. I just feel like I'm trying to fight a battle that isn't going anywhere.

His dad is a good dad, despite the poor eating habits. He spends time with kiddo and most definitely loves him. We just have some majorly different opinions when it comes to setting boundaries and rules. If we were to go to court and I were to try and fight for full custody, I would not be able to say his father is an unfit parent.. and I really don't want to try that approach anyway (which is what my parents have tried to convince me to do).

It's definitely a tough situation and I'm sure you know that this battle for control isn't just about food, it's more about the anxiety caused by having to behave 2 different ways in 2 different houses. I think whatever you decide to do can only go so far if you don't have support from his Dad. Is there any possibility of the 2 of you sitting down and creating some goals that you both share for your son's nutrition and even discipline?

But while he's at your house I agree that it shouldn't be extra stressful on him. So why are you making him go to his room if he's crying? I really don't understand that, it seems to be making the situation worse.

Firstly I would set up a special food bin just for your son. You and he can go to the grocery store and pick up some snacks for him, one or two of those are his total complete choice. The rest should be snacks that he's interested in eating but that you feel good about him eating too. I have a similar bin for my 3 yr old, it is in constant reach so he can go to it any time, yes any time! I want my kid to be in full control of addressing his hunger. In the bin I keep goldfish crackers, rice cakes, peanut butter crackers, pretzels, and ginger snaps. Then I also have a bin for him in the refrigerator he has access too. It has string cheese, peanut butter cups, veggies, fruits, and milk. Sometimes he asks me for something else which I do give him when he asks. I avoid giving him sweet things though, aside from those ginger snaps. I think this helps with his autonomy but I do try to direct him away from snacking when it's too close to dinner time.

When it comes to meal time, he eats what we have or he eats nothing. Sometimes he's happy to eat nothing if he can't find something on the dinner table that suits him. I don't feel the least bit guilty not feeding him anything, but that's what we're used to around here. There's no fits, because there's no fighting. I don't plead with him to eat and so he doesn't plead with me not to eat.

The main goal for me is not to create a charged atmosphere around food. We don't have much in terms of chips and junk food in the house so it's not an issue for us but in your case 6yrs old is plenty old enough to sit him down and talk about nutrition. Explain why those foods aren't around in the house, not just why he can't have them, and then go shopping so he can pick out his own nutritious snacks.

We've tried sitting down and talking, as discipline has been a problem continually. Prior to hitting a particular rough patch in mental health, and before kiddo started school, he'd spend two weeks with me and two weeks with his dad. Daycare/Preschool could tell when he was staying with me because he behaved better, and even made comments to me about it. So talks about discipline happen fairly frequently.. with ex saying he'll try to do certain stuff but then never actually following through.

He doesn't get sent to his room just for crying. It's when he starts crying specifically because he's not getting what he wants. I'll remind him he doesn't need to cry, crying isn't how we get what we want.. and if he continues then he gets sent to his room until he calms down. He doesn't get in trouble for crying because he's frustrated, sad, or angry.. just that specific instance which I would count more as a tantrum.

I will keep the bin idea in mind. It might be a good compromise. I'd probably need to do some modifications because portion control for him really is a problem already. Part of that is my fault as well.. I use to have similar food rules to dad's house in that I'd let him eat from a bag until he was done with it. That hasn't been the case for over a year, but I did help to develop that initial habit. It also doesn't help that his dad and myself have had horrible portion control with him growing up.. so even observed behavior has been bad examples..

I try not to fight with him about food. Lunch/Dinner are the usual culprits because breakfast he gets cereal, pancakes, or maple oatmeal, all of which he really likes. I don't even have to tell him to eat anything for the crying to start, sometimes it's really as simple as me just saying what we're having for dinner, or setting something down in front of him that he didn't want and he immediately goes up to his room in a fit (without me sending him there). Even when he gets what he wants, if it's not how much he wants he'll act out. This past weekend it was pizza, he had two large pieces for one meal, which I really thought was enough for a single sitting when you add 2 breadsticks. When I said he needed to wait a bit before having anything else to eat he responded by laying on the floor in front of me telling me how much his tummy hurt and he needed more food cause he was starving.

I have explained nutrition to him here, but haven't really sat him down. It'll more be me saying pizza isn't that healthy for you when he wants to order it, or saying it's really fattening. Or I'll talk about what good certain foods do while we're cooking. Things like "we're going to put broccoli in with the chicken, it helps you not get sick as often and is good for your body."

Even in situations that are not stressful (such as where your son is spending time in 2 homes with 2 separate eating examples) kids can be tough when it comes to eating habits.

I have a 7 & 4 y/o and a 17 mon old. I have definitely learned a lot about a child's particular eating preferences in combination with parenting styles and how that can affect what they eat (or if they will eat!)

My oldest is special needs, and along with a long list of non-eating challenges, he did have some serious issues in that area. He was a very picky eater, but a lot of it came down to texture and visual continuity. So even foods that tasted the same, had to be presented in the same way visually or he would not eat them. If a new food was put on his plate, he was have a meltdown to the point of vomiting (this is without trying the food, just simply having to look at it). He had issues with chewing, pocketing, choked many times and weight loss due to this. I'm talking age 1-5ish. He received feeding therapy and it was helpful.

He is 7 1/2 now and really with language has been able to over come a to of these issues. He can now tell us what he doesn't like, and a lot of the times he like food kind of cold or room temp, even things we think should be served warm.

My 4 y/o is typical, and is a picky eater. He used to eat a wide variety of food but stopped (versus my older son who from day 1 of baby food struggled with eating).

My 17 mon old eats what I eat. For the most part.

Other than Christmas, which is a special time of year, we don't have junk food (ie cookies!) in the house. We don't keep processed boxed type snacks in the house at all really, expect gold fish. The choice of snacks are bananas, apples, raisins, half peanut butter sandwich (natural PB, and the closest I can get to homemade bread unless I actually make it myself). Also carrot sticks or pepper slices in hummus, and cheese sticks. Cheese sticks are a great snack for kids. Good sources of protein and calcium. Excellent paired with an apple or raisins. The only drinks we have are milk and water. My kids have never had soda.

One snack I make from time to time is oatmeal peanut butter balls. I use honey to sweeten it so its a great treat and the kids (and me!!!) enjoy them.

If you don't have the snacks/bad food in the house they can cry until the cows come home, but its not there. You can give them free run of the kitchen, tell them they can have whatever they want in place of dinner that they don't like, and they aren't going to be able to pick nutritionally void junk food. I focus on foods that are going to give them the most nutrition, the least processed sugar, least empty calories, and are typically not easy to over eat (like chips or crackers). The goldfish are our "treat" here, and sometimes I just say "no" when they ask, but they are welcome to another nutritious snack if they are really hungry and meal time is far away.

Breakfast, which is the most important meal of the day, I run a short order diner! lol I don't mind as I'm a morning person anyway. Every gets to order their breakfast of choice. We have eggs, waffles that I make homemade (so whole wheat, no sugar) then freeze, sausage I make homemade then freeze )so again no sugar, or preservative, and I use ground turkey usually), toast, fruits like bananas, strawberries, blueberries, oatmeal, greek yogurt and of course we still eat cereal, and so I keep plain cheerios in the house.


Lunch I will also do "orders' but the menu is limited.

Dinner is one meal I make. I don't do dinner orders. There is one substitution, a peanut butter sandwich (we don't use jelly in the house). If they don't like dinner they can have a pb sandwich. Except my 17 mon old. He get what we get because he's at an age where he needs to expand his tastes and we are still finding out what he likes and doesn't like.

I don't argue with my kids over what we are eating. My older son will almost always eat what's on his plate now because he's not too fond of PB sandwiches anymore. My middle one, I think has eaten a pb sandwich for dinner for the past 6 months. Either way, that's fine.

You can try offering your son one standing alternative. One that is a nutritious choice but kid friendly. And let him choose. Kids like to feel in control and giving them a choice is a great way to do that. Honestly since he's getting to eat crap at your ex's you are going to be fighting a tough battle trying get him to eat healthier at home.

My kids see my dad and step one only a few times a year. We just went there on Sunday for Christmas, for a few hours. My parents have the most awful eating habits, including eating tons of garbage and not knowing when to say enough is enough. My oldest son just ate tons of crap. Absolute crap. And it that evening he was a little resistant to a normal healthy meal.

I agree with limiting (within reason) how much a child eats when its junk. There's nothing wrong with stopping him at 2 slices of pizza. You wouldn't let him stay up until midnight, no...you have a bed time, why? Because kids are too young to make certain choices involving their health and wellness. We limit video games, time out in the snow (freezing cold) time in the heat if its very hot out, we encourage them to drink more water after being out in the heat. We bring them to school when they don't want to go, and we make sure they do their homework. As parents it is our job to make those decisions because kids are not mature enough or experienced enough in life yet.

We still order pizza, go out for ice cream in the summer, and eat cake on birthdays. But it just not a part of our house on a regular basis.

I would say your son needs to get used to that those ways of eating are just not apart of your house. They just aren't an option. I wouldn't fight with him. And you can even allow him to choose something else in your house. If he won't eat anything in your house, then he doesn't eat. Let your Ex know that he cannot come with junk food. It is not something you have in your house.

I agree with wrapping it for later too. That works well. Again you are not forcing them to eat, but giving them the choice to eat when they are ready. Is he hungry at dinner time? How long before dinner is he eating? Is he having a snack before hand? Drinking something besides water? I have found over and over with all my kids, picky or not, that when they do not come to the table truly hungry, they are not as willing to eat what they are given. If he is always to eat all the time at your ex's then he might not even know what hunger feels like. How could he if he is eating all day?

I hope this helps.

Personally I think you're taking a good approach.

I like Wannabeskinny's food bin idea, and actually I kind of do that for myself (all the perishable and quick snacky items are in the door of our fridge, like yogurts, babybel cheese, juice boxes, and so on. We also keep a big tray of pre-cut veggies in the top shelf of the fridge, easily accessible, and there are individual packs of hummus there too). In an easy cupboard next to the fridge we have dried figs.

Snacking on (relatively) healthy things is great because it can make me a lot less likely to overeat when I do have something like pizza or McDonald's. I calorie-count so my overall approach is a bit different, but for a growing kid I think caloric needs are pretty high and there's no problem with him eating as much as he wants as long as the choices are closer to whole foods (not full of addictive and flavorful additives).

Sorry about all the emotional stuff that goes along with it. I don't know how best to deal with the custody issues, because they're related to the food thing and control issues are a major problem. But I think in terms of parenting you're doing great and you should feel good about your choices.

Thank you Glamour Girl. I hadn't tried out having a set item he could have instead. He gets mostly water for drinking, definitely water between meals. Juice (usually V8 Fusion stuff because it's suppose to have a veggie serving) with breakfast, and lunch. Water typically with dinner.

My worry with doing straight from a bin snacks that he can have whenever would be him eating everything in the bin. It is truly like he doesn't have a limit, or doesn't know to stop when he's not hungry anymore, so I don't really trust him to just pick out a snack here or there if he's hungry. I do like the idea of him getting to pick what he wants from among healthy choices though.

What I will likely do is a combination of what you and Wannabe have suggested. I can setup a bin, but still make him ask for snacks. Then he can have his pick from the bin. We do have cheesesticks and goldfish crackers. he actually adores goldfish crackers. It's one of the items he gets to pick up at the grocery store when we go shopping.

I will also have to give having a quick/easy but on the healthier alternative for dinners. He does like PB sandwiches, and they're simple to make, so that'd likely be a good one.

The thing with him bringing junk food isn't going to stop. I have tried telling my ex I don't like it when he brings chips and such over. Especially when it's a dang family size bag of cool ranch doritos. Not only does a 6 year old not need an entire family size bag of chips, but they also happen to be very tempting for me (which I know I need to get over, separate issue, lol). Ex's view on that is that the chips are kiddo's, and kiddo can do with them as he pleases, including take them to mom's house. I just feel like it leaves me helpless because then I'm either the crap parent for taking away something that's his and that dad confirmed is his, or I'm allowing him to break the rules of my own house where he doesn't get to eat whatever he wants, in however much quantity he wants.

The suggestions are very much appreciated.. and you've both definitely given me some stuff to attempt that I didn't think of on my own I grew up in a very "eat what you're given and clean your plate" type environment, so thinking outside that box is difficult.. and sometimes I miss even easy answers. I don't do the whole "clean your plate" bit anymore, but it was difficult to break because it feels like wasting food. That has also probably contributed to the whole he doesn't know when to stop eating bit.. cause it means you stop when the plate is empty instead of when you're full. Can't undo the past though, unfortunately :/

Edited to add: Thank you for your comments too Faoira, I was typing as you posted it seems. I really do appreciate the extra input, and the support in general. I'm probably harder on myself than I should be (and worry too much), as we all tend to be. So it's nice to hear from an outside source that we're not doing so bad sometimes.

I'm glad I could help. I just want to follow up on what you said about bringing chips isn't going to stop. And it absolutely can if you want it to. You are the boss of your home, and that will not enter your home period. You need to tell your ex, with your son present so he understands, that if he brings chips, the bag will go directly in the trash, preferably in the main garbage bin outside (the one you take to the curb). Make it clear to them they have a choice. Either they leave the chips at home, or the entire bag gets thrown away before your son comes in the house. That is your rules and your son needs to respect that. Would you allow him to bring and smoke cigarettes inside and say you just can't stop it (I realize a legal adult has the right to choose to smoke if he were an adult) but you absolutely would not have to be forced to let him smoke in your house. Same with junk. Make sure both your ex and son know this, and the next time he shows up with chips, throw them away right away. He probably will do it once or twice to test you (and I don't know how your ex is, but he might be testing you too if he's a little immature). So make sure you follow through. I promise you, a few bags in the trash and the chips will stop coming to your house.

Sounds extreme to me...

As a softer suggestion, you could consider taking the chips away but giving them back when he leaves. That way they're off limits at your house but they still belong to him and you're not going against Dad's wishes in that sense.

It's kind of delicate with the whole custody thing. If you throw them out it sounds a bit like all-out war. But maybe that's just me.

I agree, what your ex is doing is basically saying that his rules trump your rules and that if he gives his son chips that they are his to do with as he pleases, including bringing them to your house. But nobody can decide what happens in your house, especially not your ex lol.

It's very important that you and ex unify about this, conversations about discipline should happen with the both of you otherwise there is too much wiggle room for your son to find the loopholes.

Hang in there, you'll figure this out!

You post made me think of this article. Maybe it'll help you see things from a greater perspective so you can refocus your approach with his father.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alison...b_2986705.html

Even if junk food is the only major aspect you're dealing with, he's making you out to be the bad guy. While the situation may be painful to deal with, stick to your guns. As your child gets older, he'll begin to realize that you're only trying to do what's best for him.

I agree with what everyone said here, but also wanted to add that making some of the meals that he likes may be helpful too.

He wants pizza? Get your high fiber/low carb pita, add some marinara (you can blend veggies into it), top with cheese/toppings and bake. That way he can actually have fun topping the pizza - my 7 year old likes to make faces with cherry tomatoes, meat, peppers, and hair out of thinly sliced spinach - and there are no leftovers, just one personal sized pizza for him to eat.

Other "child friendly recipes" that we have kept on hand at all times over the years:

Cauliflower macaroni and cheese:
Take one chopped head of cauliflower, steam in a small amount of water until tender. Puree cauliflower, add 1 cup sharp cheese, and season to taste – I use adobo OR salt/pepper/mustard powder. Freeze in ice cube trays until frozen, transfer to a labeled freezer bag. To serve, microwave as many cubes as needed and mix with cooked pasta or a mixture of cooked broccoli and pasta. This can also be used as a cheese sauce for veggies.

Chicken/yellow squash nuggets:
Shred 1-2 squash and squeeze out as much liquid as possible. Mix with 1lb ground chicken, 1 egg, seasoning, form into “nuggets” and bread with your choice of bread crumb. Bake at 425 for 15 minutes on a lightly greased cookie sheet. Cool and freeze on a cookie sheet. Once frozen, transfer to a labeled freezer bag. To serve, microwave until thawed or bake for a crisp exterior.

Turkey/zucchini meatballs:
Shred 1-2 zucchini and squeeze most of the liquid out. Mix with 1lb ground turkey, 1 egg, seasoning, parmesan cheese, and choice of bread crumb. Bake at 425 for 15 minutes. Cool and freeze on a cookie sheet. Once frozen, transfer to a labeled freezer bag. To serve, microwave until thawed or simmer in sauce.

I'll also add that I agree that the chips should be put away when he walks into the door and given back when he leaves. There is no reason why you shouldn't have control over what he eats in your house. My ex-husband and I have VERY different ideas on what is appropriate food (or appropriate movies, bedtimes, video games, etc), but over the past 6 years we've just learned that our houses are our own and that's how it is. My daughter also understands it by this time, but it did take a while.

Glamour Girl, Wannabe, and Faiora - I know you guys are all right, and that I do need to take away the chips. I think I may do what Faiora suggested as far as just putting them up and then giving them back.. and just make that clear, as Glamour Girl suggested, to both kiddo and ex when they're both present. You're absolutely right in that if it was cigarettes/alcohol I wouldn't let it fly at all. Ex is a little immature, which is essentially why we ended up splitting in the first place. Also worth mentioning I was the second girl he dated, the first one he dated died in a car accident, and I'm not sure he ever really learned how to let go of a relationship. We split up before my son was even a year old, so it's been nearly 6 years, and he's never really given up on trying to get back together nor has he dated anyone new. Now that I'm in a long term, steady relationship he's been acting out a bit in other ways.. like being unable to meet me halfway to pick-up/drop-off kiddo, which started directly after my parents mentioning to him that boyfriend was planning on proposing. Part of this could be attributed to that.

Elladorine - Thank you for the article. Ex could fit some of those things (mainly video game and eating things).. but overall he's really not a bad dad. I really appreciate the perspective though, and it's good to know that some of my rules will be appreciated long-term

Munchy - Thanks for the recipes. Pizza I've tried with whole wheat tortillas, maybe some pita bread would go over better. The whole wheat tortillas were a flop. He had fun making the pizza (which he just put turkey pepperonis and cheese on) but once it came down to eating it he wouldn't. I have not tried cauliflower mac and cheese or the meatballs though. Will have to give those a whirl. If you have any other kid-friendly recipes I'd be happy to hear them. I'm horrible at being creative in the kitchen on my own, and all of my cooking is based on recipes.

Don't worry that he's not eating the pizza yet. Give it time and he'll come around. As long as you keep offering but not diverting. Choices are good but too many choices can lead to trouble. So yes maybe have an alternative but he'll sure get sick of those PBJs quick. I don't offer alternatives, LO has to find something at the dinner table he will eat otherwise it's nothing.

An incentive chart may work well here. Center it around healthy foods and healthy habits like brushing teeth, eating vegetables, limited screen time, chores etc. Rewards work great but be careful not to reward him with chips just because he ate broccoli. Good rewards include going to the park, staying up an extra hour, going to a movie or a batting cage, etc. Activities to look forward to work as the best incentives imo.

Keep offering the healthy foods, sandwiches as back up and white knuckle through all the wasted foods because it will get better. This age is extremely picky and sensitive to textures, colors, smells. I encourage the kids to taste foods because they are "so delicious!" and not put too much focus on foods being good or bad for you. If they refuse, I'm okay with it and hope they will try next time.

I do not control how much the kids eat because I want them to be in tune with their own hunger cues, and I think putting too much control on the what and how much creates a feeling of deprivation as well as the forbidden fruit situation toward junk food. To balance this, they pick out candy at the store or we make baked goods but those run out quickly and then we're left with my healthy foods. I've also refined their taste buds by having a dark chocolate taste test or a fancy cheese taste test. Kids will try many things if you buy several kinds and make it a taste test with scores. Ha!

BUT, I have not had a kid eat so much that I questioned his ability to portion control so my heart goes out to you for that concern. Hopefully that will calm down if he can start warming up to whole foods and get the nutrients he needs.

I guess I'll be the odd one and say I would not take away his chips and also would pay no attention to it, especially in front of your son. Forbidden fruit, as I mentioned. as soon as it's gone, it's gone and then it's on to focussing on the bounty of good foods while still maintaining a relationship with your son that makes him feel like you are on the same team instead of "us (adults) against them (kids)". That age is tough, though. My 7 yo is very exhausting and I am looking ahead to that sweet transition (that never seems to come).