Fat Acceptance problem
 

So, I don't really have a problem with the Fat Acceptance movement as whole. But I am having a problem with a friend who has not just joined the movement but is actively trying to gain weight. (apparently there is a small faction of the movement who does this)

I understand that she is sick of dieting and feeling bad about her weight but her eating habits have become insane. I can't really remember the last time I saw her eat a vegetable even on a hamburger. But the truth is, I could ignore all that if it weren't for her relentless harassment of my own choices.

She get pissed at me at restaurants for not finishing my meals. Honestly, I often cheat at restaurants but I just make sure to have portion control. So, it's not like I am eating a salad (though I should be allowed to do that if I want). Also, she keeps telling me that I hate myself and other fat people by losing weight. She say its like a black person bleaching their skin. Quite frankly, I am thinking about stop being friends with her but literally all our friends are mutual. How the heck do I navigate this!?

She sounds insane and shes just hurting herself. A persons ethnicity is no where near the same as their weight, I can get fatter tmr if i wanted but i cannot turn myself asian or african or whatever lol Ive seen the ugly side of fat acceptance and talked to plenty of people just like her, its rather sad the extremes they go too and the hate they can have for smaller people or anyone trying to be healthier

Wow awkward, she obviously has issues that run deeper than she is probably even aware of.

Have other mutual friends picked up on this too? Perhaps you could broach the issue with her lightly at first and politely say that you don't appreciate her criticism of your choices. Maybe she doesn't realise how vocal she is being. If a friendly word doesn't change her ways then maybe you'll need to take more of a stand or involve another friend who feels the same way.

It sounds like a tough one, but ultimately if she is your friend then she shouldn't be mocking your choices in any way, especially if you are not reciprocating with the remarks!

Good luck, I hope you can salvage the friendship.

I think this is perhaps a situation where distance may be the answer! It sucks to lose a friend, but you aren't going to change her and no way in heck do you need someone like that in your ear!

Get away from her and be sure to tell her why you are doing it. She isn't healthy (in mind) i mean......

I'm just worried about the group dynamic I guess. She is somewhat subdued around the rest of our friends but I think she directs this at me because we do both have weight problems. Most of our friends range from thin to slightly chubby. We are the biggest of the group and she has always been the biggest.

I probably won't do anything but stop hanging out with her alone. I mean not inviting her to group outings will cause more problems than its worth.

Thanks for letting me vent!

I decided a few months back that toxic people have to be out of my life at least for the time being. And *I* get to be the judge of what I consider toxic.

Your health is important to you and you have made amazing progress in your weightloss efforts (congrats!!). The stress she adds to your life isn't on your diet plan. :)

Just because we distance ourselves from toxic people doesn't mean that we don't love them. It just means we love ourselves first and that's the order it should be. Good luck, I hope you find something that works out for you.

Do what you can to protect your courageous try to a healthier life. Remove her from your intimate environment because such people can and might eventually pull (damn foreign language) you down with them. I don't mind what she is doing for herself. That's her prerogative. But what she is trying to do to you, can 'border' to abusive.....

Originally Posted by PatLib:
I'm just worried about the group dynamic I guess. She is somewhat subdued around the rest of our friends but I think she directs this at me because we do both have weight problems. Most of our friends range from thin to slightly chubby. We are the biggest of the group and she has always been the biggest.

I probably won't do anything but stop hanging out with her alone. I mean not inviting her to group outings will cause more problems than its worth.

Thanks for letting me vent!

that would be my solution. Don't be confrontational about it, but stop seeing her in anything other than group situations.

I would stop having meals with her, and tell her that your eating habits are off limits for discussion.

Goodness...that's crazy. I've got no problem with people being happy the way they are but how is eating crap to gain or judging you any kind of body acceptance? If she questions you again, just say you're not hungry any more.

I had (was thrust into) a discussion with a friend over religion. I flat out told her that I have always respected her decision on religion and wish that she would do the same for me. End of discussion.

Maybe saying something like this to your friend might help, if she's worth keeping.

It makes me think she feels horrible and like she is a failure for not being successful on a "diet". After all there suppose to be easy right? Maybe she just doesn't know how to let those feelings show in a normal way. She wants someone else to accept failure with her so she feels better about herself. It's not really suppose to be about being skinny anyways, it's about being healthy, skinny is the bonus! Teach her to be healthy don't even talk diet. See what happens.

She's not doing "acceptance" right - "acceptance" means letting others do as they want without ever commenting on it or making them feel bad about their own choices!

^^^ Exactly.

Back away from the Crazy Bus!

Your friend is not being a Good Friend to you.
Share your need for truth with her ...you are putting your health 1st....she is allowed to believe in whatever she wants .....and you have the same right.

Do not let her brow beat you with her new lifestyle she has adopted . If she had really accepted herself then there would be no reason to recruit you, and be so pushy about it.

Good Luck, Roo2:carrot::carrot::carrot:

Oh my. She sounds insecure and defensive. I feel for her, but I think any friend worth having is a friend who will respect our choices.

It's a bit maddening when people believe something so much that they ostracise others for having different beliefs. In the case of your friend, do you think she might respond well to something along the lines of "I'm trying hard to do what feels right for me, so I feel hurt when I hear you say xyz. I understand your xyz (beliefs) are important and I respect them and support you. I'd like the same in return. Can we agree to disagree about this?"

I don't know if that's too clinical. But basically, it sounds like she needs to realize you're not obliged to follow her beliefs or agree with them, regardless of how that makes her feel.

That aside, good for you for taking care of yourself and listening to your gut about this. She may need a friend some day, to deal with her take on this, but for now perhaps some clear communication and boundaries/space would help indeed, so you can keep doing what you want to do with positive people around you.

Good luck! :)

Originally Posted by seagirl:
I would stop having meals with her, and tell her that your eating habits are off limits for discussion.

This is what I would recommend. What are her redeeming qualities?

Originally Posted by PatLib:
So, I don't really have a problem with the Fat Acceptance movement as whole. But I am having a problem with a friend who has not just joined the movement but is actively trying to gain weight. (apparently there is a small faction of the movement who does this)

I understand that she is sick of dieting and feeling bad about her weight but her eating habits have become insane. I can't really remember the last time I saw her eat a vegetable even on a hamburger. But the truth is, I could ignore all that if it weren't for her relentless harassment of my own choices.

She get pissed at me at restaurants for not finishing my meals. Honestly, I often cheat at restaurants but I just make sure to have portion control. So, it's not like I am eating a salad (though I should be allowed to do that if I want). Also, she keeps telling me that I hate myself and other fat people by losing weight. She say its like a black person bleaching their skin. Quite frankly, I am thinking about stop being friends with her but literally all our friends are mutual. How the heck do I navigate this!?

Umm... NO! Sounds like she's jumped on the wack-a-doodle wagon to me.

She honestly sounds insane. I would pull back - way, way back. Sounds like she doesn't want to be the only "fat girl" in the group and she is threatened by your success and determination to improve your health.

I agree with most everyone else, she sounds very insecure and like she's trying to drag you down so she won't feel like the only heavy one. I think you should tell her why it's not okay to treat you the way she is and take it from there. If you don't want to be confrontational at all, then I think your idea of cutting time spent with her down to casual encounters in a group setting is a great idea.

I think it's not completely unusual for some people to become quite overzealous when they jump into a certain cause (ie. some people decide to go vegan and then hate the world for it, or become a religious zealot). I think the vast majority tend to settle down. If she is a great friend otherwise, I would probably ride this bandwagon out.... she will probably go back to normal soon enough.