Bridezilla, or I'm unreasonable?
 

I have a friend who is getting married in Puerto Rico in a few months. I am in the wedding, thus will be spending a bit on the shower, dress, shoes, etc. The trip itself is costing around $1300 for both me and my husband to attend, and this is just for travel. I am helping to plan the shower, and contributing financially for that as well although we are finding ways to keep the costs down. The bachelorette party is going to be at the end of February, a date that was picked because it was easiest for most people and not too close to the wedding. However, this is the weekend before my husband's 30th birthday. The weekend after, we are going to be on vacation, so if he wants to have a friends and family party, we would be doing it that weekend. Thus, I will be unable to attend the bachelorette party. Nothing has officially been planned for his birthday, but I told my friend that I probably cannot attend because of this. She is upset with me and thinks I should attend her bachelorette party regardless. Am I wrong to think that planning and attending the shower and attending the wedding is enough? Should I be going to the bachelorette party as well??

Does your vacation start the weekend OF your husband's birthday, or the weekend AFTER his birthday? (Sorry, it's not too clear in your post).
Can you have one of the parties on the Friday and one on the Saturday? Or one on Saturday and one on Sunday?
I won't say you're being unreasonable, since it just seems like the parties and obligations related to weddings and being in the wedding party are neverending and a little excessive these days...but I also don't think she's necessarily being a Bridezilla. You're her bridesmaid and I can understand why she would want you at the party.
Is there any sort of compromise that can be reached?

Ya gotta love needy people! I understand her wanting you there, but IMO she's being inconsiderate. You've really put a lot of effort and money out for her big day - don't let her take advantage.

I don't think I can give unbiased advice here because I think big weddings, and expecting people to spends hundreds (or thousands) of dollars on YOUR (your friends I mean) big day is utterly ridiculous. Then on top of all that effort for the actual wedding day, a person is expected to revolve their whole schedule around OTHER parties. Ug, I have never gotten it.

No you aren't being unreasonable. Husband trumps friend, every time.

His birthday is a Thursday, and the vacation starts the next day. We are going on a cruise, so it's not as though he won't have a fantastic birthday, which I think is her thought process. However, we aren't going on a cruise with his hometown friends and family, so the weekend before his birthday would be his time to spend with them. I am not 100% not going to the bachelorette party, but I am annoyed that she is upset with me for considering skipping it for what I think is a valid reason. I am trying to come up with a solution to please everyone, but if she is going to get pissed over this, I am less inclined to want to compromise, ya know?

I agree with this. If her party is on Sat, then go out for his birthday on Fri. I may not be the best to answer though because I have a Christmas week birthday, so we always wait until Jan, when everyone's schedules ease up a bit.

I totally understand!
I can see why she would want you there, but it's not like you are saying you just don't want to go for no reason. If no compromise can be reached, then I think she's just going to have to deal with it.

I may also be a little biased as my brother's friend is getting married, and just told my brother that he didn't "Try hard enough" to save money for her destination wedding so that my nephew could be a ring bearer. It's a $4000 trip minimum, and my brother and sister in law are still recovering financially from three months in the hospital during their last pregnancy. So I'm a little selfish brided out.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now travel wise and wedding wise. Is it really not doable without skipping the bachelorette, or is part of it maybe that you're a little done with the demands being made of you and need a break from your friend and her wedding?

It seems a little odd to me to say you can't go for another event (the birthday party) that isn't even scheduled yet. Do either/both of these events mean a full weekend commitment for travel or something? Otherwise, I would go ahead and schedule your husband's birthday party for a different day that weekend. I don't think this has to be a competition between choosing husband over friend if it's reasonable that you could do both. If you have to travel out of town, that's a different story, of course.

Yes, she's being slightly selfish but clearly you are close friends if you are in the wedding so it's understandable that she'd want you for this part of the celebration too.

Yes, I think that has a lot to do with it. I am really stressed out about affording the travel for her wedding, along with many other financial stressors that are independent for the wedding. The bachelorette party is in Philadelphia, so that requires a hotel stay plus all the money spent on a night out. I am frustrated because I'm expected to spend a lot of money on the wedding.

I am going to talk to my husband tonight about his birthday weekend and maybe he doesn't want to do anything anyway so it's all a moot point. I just can't see myself saying "sorry honey, celebrate your birthday without me so I can go get wasted with the girls!".

I can get that completely. I've never understood why anyone feels it's okay to ask so much of their friends and family for their wedding, but we love our friends, and we put up with the temporary insanity engagement rings spark.

Men are practical creatures. I'd be willing to bet that your husband will make the choice easy for you.

I wouldn't go, but that's just me. You are already spending a whole lot of money on a weeding that is not even yours!!!
Save the trip money and do something nice for your hubby. God knows that when this lady gets marry her husband will be the center of her attention ;)

I agree with Lockitup, that I can not give an unbias opinion either. I can't stand women that think that getting married means they are entitled to huge weddings and showers at everyone else's cost. I really have a hard time not thinking someone is vain/shallow when they need a huge princess wedding.
When my cousin got married, she expected everyone to go the whole 9 for her, I did not have the money for any of it. DH and I were still going through school, living on our own, never had parental help (I'm sure I've complained about this elsewhere on this site) and seriously getting food baskets from the church at times. My cousin is such a rude diva, that no one else would BE her maid of honor! She asked me, and said she's pay for everything, but she needed a maid of honor. I said yes, because despite how it might appear, I'm not a complete B lol. She was stuck, but looking back I do regret saying yes.
She planned her own bachelorette party, which was going out and getting drunk and going to a male strip club. I refused to go because DH and I don't believe in doing that. He would never go out and get drunk and see strippers with guys. My cousin was already involve in a long term affair while engaged, so for her cheating is no biggie. She was annoyed I didn't go, but oh well. She actually ended up hooking up with a guy that night and one of girls that went told her husband and the wedding was almost called off.
She also had her mother take out a loan against her (cousin's mom) paid off house to pay for the wedding. I never got the exact number, but my aunt will be paying off her house now the rest of her life. $50,000 ish is what I heard.

As far bridzilla's are concerned, they need to get over themselves. If you make plans with your husband, then tell your friend too bad. Copernicus was right, that the earth does in fact obit the sun, and not the bride. But some brides need to be told this!

I just booked all the flights and hotel for the wedding, and it cost a little over $1700. Thus, I will be spending the bachelorette party night with my husband, and she can deal with it. I'm not dropping close to $2000 to get in trouble for not wanting to go out on one night. I need to go get some wine now!

Add me in with the crowd that thinks the exorbitant cost of weddings and behavior of many brides is absolutely revolting. Destination weddings mean people can't attend. Those who do manage to have the finances for it are an added bonus, not an expectation, and wanting ANYTHING on top of that is completely silly. Really, if anyone but the bride and groom attend a destination wedding I think that is a lucky addendum, not anything a bride should count on unless she is paying for their travel, herself.

But this is coming from someone who bought her bridesmaids their dresses because we were all broke college students and there was no way they could pay for them out of pocket. I don't regret it, either - why should they have to foot the cost for something like that when I'M the one inviting them? I was blessed to have them attend and grateful.

Seriously, I felt stupid, in hindsight, for even buying snacks or paying for a facility, when a potluck on the beach would have been as much fun and even cheaper. The cheaper the wedding the better, in my opinion. I don't love my husband any less or enjoy memories of my big day with less fondness for having spent very little on it.

You're a more noble person than me. Unless one of my brothers was having a destination wedding I would probably be sending best wishes to the bride and groom and not attending.

Yep. :lol:

For this very reason I decided I want to elope when I get married.

A low key ceremony at an all inclusive resort in Mexico/Carribbean and then stay a week for the honeymoon. Then maybe a small reception when we get back.

I can't take all the wedding drama. I don't think you should spend $40,000 to make a commitment to someone unless you REALLY REALLY have it. Especially when financial issues are the #1 cause of divorce.

I had a big, elaborate, princess wedding that my husband and I paid for in cash. When it was all said and done, we could have gotten married at the courthouse and I would have been fine with that. But I never expected anything more out of my bridesmaids except to show up on the wedding day all dolled up.

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to say that you should do whats best for you and your husband.

Thanks to everyone who weighed in! I appreciate the honesty from you all!!

My friends got married in New Brunswick this summer, which is thousands of miles from where we live. We dropped a mint to go and it was worth it because a)it was in the groom's hometown, he hadn't been home in two years and his family couldn't afford to travel and b) no one DEMANDED we go. These are the two sweetest people on earth, so about 10 of us, some of who were attendants made the trip. They ran out of money and couldn't have a supper, so his aunts and uncles made a potluck. I was up until two am helping decorate the hall. I even helped one bridesmaid pay for her dress. And I'd do it all again because they wouldn't have cared if I hadn't. They were genuinely touched that we made the trip, and delighted in spending their honeymoon with us showing us around. I was honoured to be part of their day.

My bf's sister on the other hand? She's getting married in June, has already turned down a free hall offered by her uncle because it isn't fancy enough, told ,e I couldn't be a bridesmaid because I'm too fat for the dress (how about just not ask me), and told me to take extra days off to help her decorate. We bought her a gift certificate to cover her hair for the wedding at over $300 bucks and she still came to her brother with her hand out because we helped the other bride. We flat out refused because she isn't hard up for cash and she wouldn't appreciate it.

Jeez. I'm thankful I don't know the same people some of you do! :lol:

We have one set of friends that had a "destination wedding". They did have a few very close family members there but the main bash to celebrate was when they got home. They had a big low key party that most could attend. Nice and chill.

I didn't have anyone present except my husband and a judge when I got married and I've never regretted that decision.

I must vote BRIDEZILLA! I think it is totally unreasonable for anyone to ask for their wedding party or guests shell out large amounts of money. Why should ANYONE go into debt for someone else's wedding? My wedding was very small because I didn't want to ask anyone to spend ANYTHING! If my hubby & I couldn't afford it, we didn't have it. PERIOD.
We had a very simple wedding with just family & a few close friends. Our emphasis was on the commitment NOT how much glitz & glamour we could shove into a ceremony. I believe that people forget that! It blame a great deal of this "wedding of the century"-type garbage on reality tv. And I really have to ask...just how freaking long are these "marriages" going to last??? 72 days???
I think you need to ask yourself, "Do I really want to go into debt for this?" Remember this is not your wedding. I hope she's not expecting you all to give her costly wedding gifts on top of it. Cause frankly that would just WAY TOO SELFISH.

Personal note: When I was getting married back in '89. One of my co-workers was ALSO getting married. She spent more money on her dress than we did on our WHOLE CEREMONY. H & I will be married 24 years this April. Her? Divorced in less than a year! Go figure! They were still paying for their wedding when the marriage was kaput! Spent more time & effort on the wedding then their marriage. Not smart at all!

The wedding packages of many hotels in the Carribean are excellent - my stepsister and her husband did that and it was beautiful. We all got to enjoy the pictures afterward and they had to walk a whole three feet from wedding to honeymoon :)

As a bride to be I would say she's being Bridezillaish....I am doing my best to accomidate the bridesmaids as best as I can. As my wedding is not a destination wedding, they are all from my home state, MN, and I now live in NM..where the wedding is going to be.

The bachelorette party is optional, and what we think will work best is to have a optional Vegas bash if folks want/can to go. Everybody seems pretty pumped about it that I can tell.

As for the other stuff I gave them 3 options on Amazon (same color) for under 100$. Shoes and everything else I am leaving to them.

You know, I think if someone wants a destination wedding then they're totally welcome to do that but must understand that some people may not be able to attend (especially if you're at the age when people are just establishing their careers). Throwing a hissy fit about it just shows one's lack of character.

I, personally, would love a low-key destination wedding...but I know most of the family and friends I want there would be unable to attend. So I probably won't do that! Or if I do it'll just be me and my fiance and everyone else will have to look at pictures later ;)

I'm sort of doing the same thing with my bridesmaids. When I decide on a color I'm going to pretty much tell them to go and have fun with it. They can find a dress in that color on their own and decide how much they want to spend on it. My bridesmaids are all over the place height and weight wise so it'll be easier for them to find something that flatters their bodies rather than try to find a dress that looks good on all of them. Plus they can wear it again!

I know two of my friends will take that as a license to make their own dresses. I would love to see what they come up with :)

I think the problem is that you were wishy washy about whether or not you were going to attend. If I planned an event and my friend said "I may not come because I may have to do something else but I don't know yet, I'm not sure blah blah blah" I'd also instinctively get annoyed too. Especially if you had already agreed that that was a good weekend for you to begin with. But if you had gone to her from the get go and said "hey, sorry but I got other plans that weekend, it's been in the works for a while so I can't attend your bachelorette party." It would have been a different matter. Just be firm about it and also be truthful. If you can't afford to attend the bachelorette party then say so! There is no shame in that. How can someone be angry that you can't spend $2000 in their honor?

I had a big wedding. I didn't really want a big wedding but it turned out to be one anyway since I was trying to please both my parents and the inlaws. I didn't really enjoy it and I really wish I hadn't invited most of those people or spent the money that I did. I really wanted bridesmaids and I wanted them to wear a beautiful black dress of their own choice but my mother went ballistic and talked me out of it because she thought black dresses were funerary. So I made them all get "bridesmaids" dresses which were pretty but I know they weren't thrilled about it. I wish I could take it all back and put that money towards something that I really need. If I had enjoyed the wedding and cherished the memory of it it would've been worth it but I didn't like it at all. Everything from the flowers, to the bridal showers to the parties and the dresses and everything was superfluous. Sorry for the rant.

You're right, I probably should've been more firm. I didn't want to seem mean, but I think it was worse to be wishy washy. The date was picked without me, assuming that it would be a good weekend for me because she knew I had other things going on the weekend after. I texted the other bridesmaid who is in charge of most of the planning and explained that I couldn't be there that day but I would help with planning if she needed it.

I am also stressed about getting her a gift, since my budget has been stretched to the limit. I am going to have to go with something small and hope I don't hear about it later. She has made mention in the past about wanting people to get her nice things, but we can't all afford this that easily!

I would be extremely offended if someone went as far as to complain to me about my gift not being "nice" enough. I do truly hope that your friend isn't like that. For me, that would end a friendship.

My mind is just blown that people really expect someone to spend SO MUCH money on them for their wedding. Traveling, dresses, parties, THEN gifts on top of it.

IMHO if people put as much effort into their marriages as they do into their wedding, the divorce rate would be lower (Kim Kardashian anyone!?). That's a whole other issue though.

That's the way a lot of my friends have done it. I had one set of friends who were just starting their own company and had a small child. They had a trase show to attend in Vegas so they just got married while they were there, then rented the community hall and had a cheap reception when they got home. My best friend from high school is doing virtually the same thing next month.


Seriously? I wouldn't expect a gift from my bridesmaids at all. Their gift would be the time effort and in this case MONEY that had already been put in to it. Don't tax your budget further.

You are spending a ton of money to just attend her wedding, never mind the dress, throwing the shower, etc. I would really hope she wouldn't expect a gift!!

1) I've never understood why bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own dresses. I think that is the strangest "etiquette" I have ever heard - it's like inviting people to a party and expecting them to foot the bill! Weird.

2) Even if I had a big traditional wedding I would never, ever expect a gift from my bridesmaids. It's just tacky to me.

3) Janeyg25 - I think it is perfectly understandable that you cannot attend the bachelorette. Your friend is going to be extra sensitive at this point because this is the biggest thing in her life right now.

Scary as it is, I've heard instances of people being invited to a dinner party then afterwards be expected to contribute $25, $50 or whatever. Say whaaa? :?:

If the friend questioned me about a gift in an instance like this, my response would likely be: "Your gift is my time, effort and money helping you plan and traveling hundreds (thousands?) of miles away to take part in your special day."

Of course, I would probably never talk to her again after such a fiasco! But that's probably just my strong personality. :D

Since I was one who said you should try to go, for the record, I just wanted to say that hearing that going means an overnight trip, hotel room, etc. that is totally different. And yes, esp. on top of what you are already spending, then I think it's fine to say you can't do it. I did think if it was something local, you might have been able to work it out.

But yeah, the more you post about her - esp. the idea that she might complain about a present :?: then I'm going to have to change my vote and say bridezilla.

I'm probably a lot older than most responders, but when I got married, there weren't even bachelorette parties. I agree that the costs associated with today's weddings are frequently insane and unreasonable.

With that said, as is normal with women, you're trying to keep your friend and your husband and everyone else happy without giving too much thought to what is best for you. Please take a minute to think through what is best for you and what alternatives will allow you to get through all of this with good memories. Once you've decided that, you can determine what you want to do. I'm not saying be selfish and only do what you want to do, but you seem to have left yourself out of this equation.

When we had our wedding, we put 'no gifts please' on the invitations but tradition is hard to break for people so we ended up getting a lot of money, most of which we donated to charity. We also had no bridesmaids/groomsmen. Some of our friends had their own weddings, we had 2 friends with pregnancies and some people had to travel. We really just wanted people to come and celebrate with us. We had a very low key wedding although quite a few people said it was one of the best weddings they had been to.

Really? She's made comments about only wanting nice gifts??? She needs a reality check! Maybe more...
She clearly does NOT understand the value of true friendship. If she wants nice gifts, maybe she should scale back her wedding plans & spend some of that dinero on buying the things she's "requesting" (read demanding) of her friends/family & others attending her wedding. She'd be darned lucky to get some Wal-Mart/Dollar Store dishtowels from me!
Final note: If she gets pissy about this. It's all on her. She needs to know that other people's lives DO NOT revolve around her wedding & wishes. Yes, it may be HER day, but it's YOUR life and YOUR money. A true friend would never ask you to spend money you don't feel comfortable about spending or ask you to go into debt for them. It should be enough to have your share in her special day...no more, no less. She should be willing to get married in blue jeans & t-shirts if she's asking (read telling)her friends to foot the bill for their travel, their clothes, a "nice" gift (read expensive), etc.

I lost my best friend from high school over her wedding. She definitely did become bridezilla. I was a student at the time, living on canned tuna and ramen noodles and living in a different state. When she asked me to be her maid of honor she seemed to be very sympathetic about my lack of money and said she would try to help me out as much as she could. I bought the fugly dress and was told that I could wear whatever shoes I wanted with it which was great because I had a pair that would match it. But then she changed her tune and bought shoes for me AND sent me the bill for it.

Long story short, I traveled back and forth to plan and attend her bridal shower and bachelorette parties. On our way to the church our bridesmaids dresses were packed in the trunk of the car, mine was on the bottom and got a little creased. As we were getting dressed she demoted me and said that she thought this other girl should be MOH instead because she had been a much better friend throughout the process of the wedding. And after the wedding she never spoke to me again. I tried contacting her a few times to patch things up but her husband called me and told me that she never wanted to see my face again, I had ruined her wedding and my wrinkly dress ruined her wedding photos.

Weddings suck.

Wow, insane. If it was that important to her then she should've had a travel iron/ironing board or steamer.

Wow! You are much better off without 'friends' like her!

Two of my friends/former college roommates had a fallout like that. One of them was a student at the time of the other girls' wedding, actually working on her master's thesis at the time. It was a destination wedding, also in PR and my friend was living there at the time, so that she really helped the bride throughout the wedding planning process. First, my friend arrived late to the rehearseal dinner, at this point the other girl started acting distant/ignoring her. Also, at the time, my friend had found out that her boyfriend of 4 years was in fact a married man! Still living with his wife. Because of settling of this issue, she had to leave the church ceremony early or something to that effect.

The bridezilla in question texted my friend, as soon as she departed on her honeymoon cruise, telling her that she ruined her wedding!