I disagree. Calling her mom to say the gift is problematic is a kind act toward her sister. It doesn't need to be a dramatic confrontation with her mom, just a light hearted "Mom, what were you thinking!? Take it back." in a laughing "oh you " kind of tone.
I disagree. Calling her mom to say the gift is problematic is a kind act toward her sister. It doesn't need to be a dramatic confrontation with her mom, just a light hearted "Mom, what were you thinking!? Take it back." in a laughing "oh you " kind of tone.
Yea. I know I would love it if the next time my mom tried to buy me a 4x my sister stopped her and told her it will insult me, even unintenionally, and to get smaller sizes. I can imagine the OPs sister would prefer not to be reminded of her weight problem either and would love something beautiful from her mother in her right size without there having to be the 'weight problem i dont fit' drama on xmas morning/christmas eve night.
My mother in law (who is the sweetest woman alive, but overdoes it on the gift giving to the extent where her 27 year old children still get stockings full of crap on top of large gifts) has been (gently) told not to buy us candy or shots this year. Both my boyfriend and I are dieting. I can step back enough from the situation that I can see where it's something that just rocks her world because she's always done it. Last year we had this struggle with socks and underwear for her son. She gives him packages every Christmas, but he isn't wearing them out at that rate. My last count was 67 pairs of socks and 45 pairs of underwear in our house. It was really hard for her not to buy them, but she understood. Had she gone ahead and given him more, they would have been donated. The biggest issue with her and her family is there's never meaning or feeling behind the gifts. They concentrate on quantity to the point where quality goes out the door.
People are clueless in general too. They really are. A woman I work with bought me a large sweater because it "looked big enough". At the time, I was wearing a 6X top. My mom forgot that my boyfriend quit smoking a month before Christmas and didn't have time to replace the ashtray she gave him, so she put a note in the bottom that said "subliminal messaging. I am a fruit bowl".
I get wanting to be done with the drama, and I can see the possible passive agressive motives your mom may have. Just be gentle because laying a smack down during the holidays will leave you with more of a headache than you think.
so she put a note in the bottom that said "subliminal messaging. I am a fruit bowl".
I love that.
I agree with those who have said that it would be a kindness to the OP's sister to ask their mom to give her something she actually wants but that chastising mom isn't the best approach.
Instead of phoning your mum to lecture, perhaps you could sound inspired ... like:
"Hey, Mum, I had a great idea for a present for sister! I thought of donating a sum to Unicef in her name and I wondered if you would like to join me? Saving the life of a child for Christmas would be wonderful?"
Then if she insists she want to buy clothes you can gently remind her of your sister's clothe size and suggest you know there is a T-shirt of something she would love and perhaps you could get it to help your mum out
Instead of phoning your mum to lecture, perhaps you could sound inspired ... like:
"Hey, Mum, I had a great idea for a present for sister! I thought of donating a sum to Unicef in her name and I wondered if you would like to join me? Saving the life of a child for Christmas would be wonderful?"
Then if she insists she want to buy clothes you can gently remind her of your sister's clothe size and suggest you know there is a T-shirt of something she would love and perhaps you could get it to help your mum out
I agree. Most people wouldn't react well to a lecture. They would think they are being attacked. If you frame the conversation in such a way that you cannot be construed to be attacking your mom, then I think it will go much better.
I agree with the OP and charlaine09. But that's only because of my own experiences. If it were my mother, I would indeed verbally layeth the smacketh down. See, my mother intentionally does things to people to embarrass them. Of course she doesn't see it that way. When I ask her why she did a particular thing, she tells me that she's being "subtle" and that she's trying to "motivate" them.
I remember, about 30 pounds ago, my mother was trying to "subtly motivate" me to lose weight. She would tell me that she didn't like the size/style/color/make/model of my clothing. And she would try to take me shopping. Only everything she picked out in my size was formless, shapeless and frumpy. Then she would go over into the ladies section and pick out something nice in a size that was too small for me and then say that this was a pretty top. And then she would put it back on the rack saying, "too bad it won't fit you." Yeah, mom, really fricken subtle there. Luckily by that age I had begun to expect that kind of behavior from my mother so it didn't bother me that much.
3 weeks ago we had an argument on the phone where she told me that I looked so much better 30 lbs ago than I do now (yeah she's missin' those days ain't she). And that if I lose weight I would be so much prettier. And she even told me that if I lost weight, it would cure my allergies!! What?! Stop talking woman!! I have really bad allergies, the kind that gives you asthma. And she's telling me that I have allergies because I'm overweight and if I would just lose the weight my allergies would be gone. Pfft!
I'm with Learning 2 Live, also because of personal experience:
My older sister has always been obese, and my mom and aunt would make a point of always only buying her clothes as gifts. And they'd only buy two types; either they were:
A.) Her size, but so ugly and matronly (like the stuff tacky grandmothers would wear and not a 17 year old girl), that they both knew she'd never wear it. And then they'd say something like, "Well, that was the only thing I could find in your size."
or
B.) Something that was cute, but obviously too small, and then they'd say something like, "But you'll fit it as soon as you lose some weight."
And it's not like they were doing it to be mean, they just didn't have any tact. Of course, my sister would be devastated, then my mom/aunt would be devastated, and they'd try to outdo each other with a game of Who's More Hurt. It was always the source of tension during Christmas/birthdays. I had to finally talk to my mom about it. I didn't lecture her or anything; I just let her know whether she realized it or not that she was being insensitive and her "subtle hints" weren't subtle at all and just making my sister turn inward more. We have a strict 'No clothes as gifts' rule in our family because it's so easy to get it wrong.
Oh, and as far as my worst gift? An ex gave me a Pajama Gram for Christmas one year. He told me he was having something "designed and made" for me, which almost sounded like jewelry. Nope. I instead got some baby blue fleece pajamas that old ladies wear. He apparently got the idea after staying up late one night and seeing the commercial a whole three weeks before Christmas. Then he had his mom pick out which pajama set she thought would look best on me. She picked on that matched hers. It was the cheapest, least thoughtful, unsexiest thing I've ever received.
I don't know...I don't think that people are nearly as invested in other people's lives as we're invested in our own lives. If someone tells me that they're on a diet, I hear them but it's not something that affects me personally so I don't really think about it. If later, I give them a gift that goes against their diet, it's not an intentional snub or sabotaging effort.
If someone gives me a gift, I appreciate the thought and leave it there. If it doesn't fit or isn't something I eat, or is the wrong size, I'm not going to get bent out of shape about it. I think that most people are way too self absorbed to sit around trying to figure out how to sabotage anyone else.
My diet is my responsibility. I can't expect everyone around me to bend to what I need. That's my job and if there are people around me that are intentionally trying to derail me, it's my responsibility to protect myself.
ChickieBoom - I'd agree with you if it was a one time, or even sporadic, oversight. But if it happens every single year when the gifter knows full well that the giftee won't fit it, then I'm more inclined to think it was done on purpose. It doesn't mean they were trying to be mean or to trying to sabotage anyone, I know my mom had good intentions, but it doesn't make the situation any less awkward for everyone who has to sit there and watch that gift exchange happen Every. Single. Year. It happened to my sister every year until she was in mid-20s. It's not like my mom all of a sudden forgot she was morbidly obese. They lived together. But every situation is different. I'm only speaking from my family experience. I've always just gotten books as gifts, and I love to read, so I'm always appreciative
ChickieBoom - I'd agree with you if it was a one time, or even sporadic, oversight. But if it happens every single year when the gifter knows full well that the giftee won't fit it, then I'm more inclined to think it was done on purpose. It doesn't mean they were trying to be mean or to trying to sabotage anyone, I know my mom had good intentions, but it doesn't make the situation any less awkward for everyone who has to sit there and watch that gift exchange happen Every. Single. Year. It happened to my sister every year until she was in mid-20s. It's not like my mom all of a sudden forgot she was morbidly obese. They lived together. But every situation is different. I'm only speaking from my family experience. I've always just gotten books as gifts, and I love to read, so I'm always appreciative
I read your first post after my initial post and I do agree with you. It's definitely different with family. And your younger sister is lucky to have you looking out for her. I would do the same for my brother or close friends. I was referring to random people and their somewhat thoughtless gifts.
Nobody's ever given me an inappropriate gift? I must have a nice family - they either don't give gifts at all or they're simple things like flowers, gift certificates to restaurants, sticking money in the family account, etc
