Serious relationship question
 

I know these types of threads have been floating around here a lot recently, but I honestly don't know who to talk to about this. I don't want to make a big deal out of something that isn't, and I don't want to bring it up to my boyfriend unless I absolutely need to. So, I figured I'd ask you girls what you would do in my situation.

The background is my bf and I have been dating for almost 10 months now. I posted a thread a little while back about us not having sex...well that problem is no longer an issue, if you know what I mean. ANYWAY, things seemed to be going great, no other issues to speak of.

Here's the deal. I noticed a few weeks back that he was facebook chatting with this girl he's friends with on facebook. He's never mentioned this girl as being a friend and I know they never hang out. When I noticed their chat, I just figured it was a random girl he went to high school with and they were just catching up. I honestly don't get jealous over innocent things like that. HOWEVER...something was bugging me about it.

So, today, I was using his ipad and ended up getting on facebook. Well, the chat was saved on there in his messages. I took it upon myself to read their chat. Now I know it was an invasion of privacy and snooping...etc...but I had been thinking about this for weeks and just decided to be nosy. I have been cheated on before and facebook was how I found out about it. I can't let that happen to me again. This is the only time i've ever snooped through any of his convos (facebook, texts, anything). The problem is...I found something...kind of.

This girl is engaged to another guy, btw. Nothing in the convo implied that they had ever dated or that anything had EVER happened physically between them. However, there were multiple remarks from both sides about "the us that could have been" and comments about how my boyfriend can't stand to look at their engagement pictures and how he regrets not asking her out. Now, this girl has been with her fiancee for years, so the "asking her out" thing would have happened a long time ago. But it really really bothers me. Those comments, to me, made it sound like if she wasn't engaged that he would pursue her.

Am I reading way too much into this? Should I say anything about it? I really don't want to start any conflict or tension between us when things were great until I read the damn message. But at the same time, if he truly has feelings for another girl and I'm just 2nd best...well that's not ok with me. What would you guys do in this situation? Would you forget about it and write it off as innocent comments or would you admit that you had been snooping and confront him? I'm just so confused and hurt right now.

Sorry this was a novel lol

To admit to snooping may finish off your relationship for good. No one wants to be spied on.

coulda...shoulds...woulda. If she's engaged his chance is gone. Sure, he can reminisce on it but thats about it. He is with YOU now. We all have those "the one that got away" people in our lives, if your boyfriend is old enough to date, he's old enough to have a few. Don't let it paint a shadow on what you have with him now. And, stop snooping if you don't want to get hurt...said in a friendly way.

Thanks for the responses. I agree that the snooping part was wrong of me. I'm not planning on making it a habit, just curious as to what others would do with the info that I got. I guess my main concern is that he has current strong feelings for this girl. Despite the fact that he has no chance with her, it still bothers me that he might drop me and go be with her if she were to become single. I mean, isn't there a difference between "the one that got away" and having current feelings? Maybe not...but I've never experienced this so I don't know.

ask and you shall recieve.....in other words, if we snoop we will ALWAYS find things that we shouldn't be finding.

Not to say that his actions are justified and I do think he was out of line to say that kind of stuff.

Is this something you can forget and move on from without saying anything? If so, then I would do it at this point to avoid an invasion of privacy conversation/fight/argument. If you can't move past it (I couldn't) then you have to tread very lightly.

In my relationship, everything is an open book. He can log onto my FB any damn time he wants, he can look through my phone, he can do whatever. I have nothing to hide....and vice versa.

Do you guys live together? What do you think his reaction would be to you snooping and seeing that conversation?

Although I don't condone snooping, sometimes it's what confirms suspicians. It did for me with my last bf. He denied ANYTHING was going on but I found evidence otherwise on his computer. We had been together 6 years, were building a house together and were talking about marriage etc.

So I felt I had every damn right to "snoop".

The fact that you found something that otherwise may have never been bought up confirms that you really had reason to snoop.

I would confront him. He will be mad, not because you snooped, but because he has been caught.

mammasita, I guess those were my thoughts when I was looking at the chat. I would have no problem with him looking through my facebook, phone, etc. because I have nothing to hide. He shouldn't either. I can understand him feeling spied on and like i said earlier, it probably won't happen again b/c obviously it just causes problems. I honestly don't know how he would react if I told him I knew about the chat. We do live together and he never seems to be worried that I'll discover something when he's not there. I don't think he would immediately break up with me, but I don't really want to take that chance. Idk I guess ultimately I'll just try to forget about it. But I also don't want to bury my head in the sand and ignore problems.

This actually happened to me about 4 years ago. I was broken up with (dumped) based on one of my ex-boyfriends looking through my gmail account and seeing a conversation I had with a guy I dated YEARS before him.

The boy from the past and I had caught up with eachother and talked about the what ifs. He was in a 7 year relationship and I was single at the time. The boyfriend who dumped me snooped and saw this message exchange that happened BEFORE he and I got together. I guess he couldn't handle seeing that I had feelings for someone else in the past (or he was looking for a reason to break up LOL).

Anyway, remembering this situation makes me think that what your boyfriend said was simply words, past feelings.

Hope this helps.

Ok, maybe I'm missing something here....is guy is TELLING another woman that he wishes he was with her, and feels upset looking at her engagement photos?! Um, snooping is not your biggest problem here, the problem is your boyfriend is a lout, that's emotional infidelity. He's obviously not appreciative of you and sooner or later will find someone he wishes he was with who isn't engaged.

I say nip this in the bud, move out and dump his *** - before he does it to you.

Thanks for the story, it actually really helps. I'm starting to think that maybe it was just an innocent convo and it has nothing to do with our relationship. At least I'm hoping that's the case. I just hope ignoring it doesn't come back to bite me later on. Especially considering he's probably about to deploy overseas for 9 months. The decision to wait on him was pretty much nonexistent before today..now I'm a little concerned. But I guess I'll go with my instinct. Thanks for all the thoughts everyone!

While I do hate the thought of snooping, if something seems off its better to know before its too late. My ex blew up at me for not trusting him but he was telling multiple girls how he wished they lived closer so he could get to know them all the while cheating on me (including joining in on some threesomes with his neighbor). If you've got a feeling its better to address it sooner than later. I wouldn't settle for second best. Honestly the things he's saying to her are way past red flags in my opinion. Unless you're willing to pretend it never happened and hope for the best you should have a serious talk. From my experience I don't trust even if they're in a relationship because I've talked all night with a girl who said she loved her bf and would never cheat and I came back to find her in bed with my then bf.

Originally Posted by Katbot24:
Ok, maybe I'm missing something here....is guy is TELLING another woman that he wishes he was with her, and feels upset looking at her engagement photos?! Um, snooping is not your biggest problem here, the problem is your boyfriend is a lout, that's emotional infidelity. He's obviously not appreciative of you and sooner or later will find someone he wishes he was with who isn't engaged.

I say nip this in the bud, move out and dump his *** - before he does it to you.

the only thing here is that he never actually said he wishes he was with her. It was more of a "if the timing was right, what would have happened?" kind of thing. I think I jumped to the worst possibility and assumed that he did wish he was with her. Or I guess, those are my fears. he did say that he didn't like looking at her engagement pictures. I think that bothered me the most, knowing that he couldn't even be happy for her getting married.

'...I really don't want to start any conflict or tension between us when things were great until I read the damn message. But at the same time, if he truly has feelings for another girl and I'm just 2nd best...well that's not ok with me...'

This is interesting...if you think things were great until you read the message - are you blaming yourself for finding out something? would you rather not know? I ask because once-upon-a-time, I would have thought the same way. As a matter of fact, I did when i sent a then-recent 'X' a letter when his mom died and got a nasty letter back in return. I thought - oh, look what I did (ugh, thinking back on that makes me sick with myself!).

So, many years later I ask you: What is your standard for yourself. You are sleeping with this guy and he's writing to another woman about how he can't stand to see her engagement pictures. If you're OK with that, carry on as usual. If you're not, then speak with him. True, it is his business what he writes to her, but if he's in your bed it's your business, too.

Worried that he'll brake up with you? Why would you be worried about that?

I agree with Katbot24 that You give him the boot. Raise your standards, dear, you are worth more than what you're getting here :)

Originally Posted by Exhale15:
'...I really don't want to start any conflict or tension between us when things were great until I read the damn message. But at the same time, if he truly has feelings for another girl and I'm just 2nd best...well that's not ok with me...'

This is interesting...if you think things were great until you read the message - are you blaming yourself for finding out something? would you rather not know? I ask because once-upon-a-time, I would have thought the same way. As a matter of fact, I did when i sent a then-recent 'X' a letter when his mom died and got a nasty letter back in return. I thought - oh, look what I did (ugh, thinking back on that makes me sick with myself!).

So, many years later I ask you: What is your standard for yourself. You are sleeping with this guy and he's writing to another woman about how he can't stand to see her engagement pictures. If you're OK with that, carry on as usual. If you're not, then speak with him. True, it is his business what he writes to her, but if he's in your bed it's your business, too.

I guess in a way I am blaming myself because everyone knows snooping is taboo. Like the first few pp's said...I shouldn't have looked if I didn't want to know. And they're right. I guess my biggest question still is: is this enough of a reason to get into a big discussion/argument? Am I overreacting? I still don't know.

I would be super pissed if my husband snooped through my Facebook, text messages, etc. I have nothing to hide - I have never and would never cheat on him. But I've never given him any reason to think I was up to no good, so if he were to snoop, I would consider it an invasion of my privacy...if I were acting shady and doing suspicious things, I still wouldn't like being snooped on, but at least I would know WHY I was being snooped on. Does that make sense? lol...that's just my opinion though. Yes, I would be very mad, but I wouldn't end a relationship over it.
Anyway, I think you're just going to have to decide if it's worth the risk of confronting him. If this is something that will always be in the back of your mind, and you'll always be wondering about it to the point where it's going to drive you crazy that he still talks to this girl, then I think you should really talk to him about it. But if it's something you can move past and forget about, and you're scared that he might break up with you for snooping, then I wouldn't say anything.
Alternatively, you could always just casually ask him about this girl - how does he know her, what's she like, etc. Just in a curious, making conversation type way. You can see what he says and go from there.

ETA: I personally would be very bothered if my significant other said those things to another girl.

If its bothering you, talk about it. If its innocent and he just words things in weird ways then you can work it out. I had a relationship go bad before by not bringing up concerns. If this guy is the one you two will take this to make your relationship stronger but if he's not then the sooner you know the sooner you can move forward with your life. The best advice I was ever given was never be afraid to talk.

Originally Posted by MedChick87:
I still don't know.

If you told a guy friend on Facebook the things HE said to HER, would he be upset at you? Would you feel bad for saying those things to another man? How is your relationship otherwise?

I asked my fiance's input to get a guy's perspective and he said that a guy wouldn't say stuff like that to another woman without hoping for something out of it. I guess you have to ask yourself if not doing anything physically is enough to not constitute as not cheating. Some people are ok with their spouses having cyber sex in SecondLife or online chat rooms, while others consider it cheating. Are you ok with your bf saying romantic things to another woman so long as no physical barrier is crossed?

You snooped because you felt something was wrong, lo and behold something is wrong. He's with you wishing he was with her, if she was single he would be pursuing her even more aggressive. NEXT.

Originally Posted by Katbot24:
If you told a guy friend on Facebook the things HE said to HER, would he be upset at you? Would you feel bad for saying those things to another man? How is your relationship otherwise?

I asked my fiance's input to get a guy's perspective and he said that a guy wouldn't say stuff like that to another woman without hoping for something out of it. I guess you have to ask yourself if not doing anything physically is enough to not constitute as not cheating. Some people are ok with their spouses having cyber sex in SecondLife or online chat rooms, while others consider it cheating. Are you ok with your bf saying romantic things to another woman so long as no physical barrier is crossed?

That's the thing, I'm completely blindsided by this. I never once felt as though there was a possibility that he would have feelings for someone else. Things were basically perfect until today. I think I can understand the feelings of nostalgia and just innocently wondering what would have happened if he had asked her out back in the day. That line of thinking I can get over. Like I've mentioned before though, it worries me that he said things like "I don't like looking at your wedding pics" or "I don't like hearing you talk about the wedding". I mean, maybe as a passing/fleeting thought...but to actually have a convo about this with her? He even alluded to past convos they've had about "the us that could have been". So this obviously isn't the first time they've talked about it. I mean it was obvious that she had no interest in leaving her fiancee. But I'm not worried about physical cheating. I do think emotional cheating is still cheating...but what actually constitutes emotional cheating? I mean I really don't have proof that he actually has feelings for her. Or do I??

Originally Posted by MedChick87:
That's the thing, I'm completely blindsided by this. I never once felt as though there was a possibility that he would have feelings for someone else. Things were basically perfect until today. I think I can understand the feelings of nostalgia and just innocently wondering what would have happened if he had asked her out back in the day. That line of thinking I can get over. Like I've mentioned before though, it worries me that he said things like "I don't like looking at your wedding pics" or "I don't like hearing you talk about the wedding". I mean, maybe as a passing/fleeting thought...but to actually have a convo about this with her? He even alluded to past convos they've had about "the us that could have been". So this obviously isn't the first time they've talked about it. I mean it was obvious that she had no interest in leaving her fiancee. But I'm not worried about physical cheating. I do think emotional cheating is still cheating...but what actually constitutes emotional cheating? I mean I really don't have proof that he actually has feelings for her. Or do I??

Honestly, I think it's pretty clear that he has feelings for her. If it was just about "what if", then that could be passed off as innocent. But not being able to look at her pictures, or hear about her wedding says A LOT.
I'm really sorry. :(

I'm completely blindsided by this. I never once felt as though there was a possibility that he would have feelings for someone else. Things were basically perfect until today.

MedChick! Things were not perfect... :tantrum: While you were having your feelings about the relationship, he was writing this stuff to another woman. Things were not perfect. Please stop thinking that - it's a romantic delusion with which you are hurting yourself. You thought he was 'yours', he's 'crying' over someone else. It's a stinking shame that things can't be as you want them to be here, but them's the facts. Smart women get into this type of thing all the time - but they get out. Others hang and cling and wring their hands and get stepped on left and right.

I know this is difficult for you, but it is energy draining and demoralizing to try to 'fix' this into him being faithful to you, 'cause he's not.

Please be smart.
Sending good vibes your way :hug:

If he would not say or do these things in front of you, then he knows it is wrong.

Obviously he has feelings/attraction for this other girl. Do you want to be
"runner up" in your own relationship?
You need to find out the truth before you go any further with him.
If you don't ask, you will really never know. Better to find out now than later
Good luck.

I would be heartbroken if I read that.. that's not cool. If he seriously was into you and committed to you and only you there would be no "what ifs" no wandering mind, no regrets. The fact that he's dwelling is a huge red flag and then to go and tell the girl that he is makes it even worse. As if he's hoping for her to say something like that back to him..


bah that would not fly in my books.

I'm a big believer that my bf shouldn't have anything to hide. And neither do I. He can look at all my stuff without warning anytime, and vice versa.

I was guilty of snooping a few years back. My bf at the time tried to return earrings to me...that weren't mine. He happened to leave his phone at home one day when he went to work and I snooped. Best thing that I could have done. I was suspicious and he was guilty. I found messages to a girl I had never heard of that talked about her coming over after work and calling him lover. I got piss drunk and confronted him when he got home from work. Not the best strategy, but it was what it was (and I was only 19 at the time). I know your situation is eons different, but it would still make me uncomfortable that my bf was fantasizing about the what ifs and wishing timing was better.

With the internet it is so easy for cheating and the like. If I were in your shoes, I would bring it up. It would eat me alive if I didn't. I'd probably sabotage the relationship unintentionally if I didn't talk it through. If things were great and he's talking to another woman, what do you think will happen when you guys are in a rut (as happens in normal relationships)?

Originally Posted by ade903:
I'm a big believer that my bf shouldn't have anything to hide. And neither do I. He can look at all my stuff without warning anytime, and vice versa.

^^This...

If I were in your position I would be hurt. There is no way I could stay in a relationship with someone who was having "what-if" feelings for someone else. To me that would be a sign that the person had unresolved feelings and I need to back out and let them figure things out. Sorry you found that, I know how much those kinds of things sting. :( Good luck!

I don't get the whole snooping is bad thing. I don't need privacy from my husband, anything I do is open for him to see and vice versa. If I to log into his email or facebook and look at it, I can. Same with him. I don't have anything to hide.

But about your guy, everyone has "what ifs." I have an ex that passed away, and sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if he hadn't. Sadly in my case it probably would be worse off because it wasn't a healthy relationship, but anyway. I don't wonder what if because I want to be with that guy, it wouldn't hurt me to see him engaged if he was still around. It's ok and normal to have what ifs, it's not normal to be upset that she is marrying someone else. That implies that if she wasn't engaged he would be all over that. So what does that make you to him? A consolation prize? I think you know that you deserve better.

I do not know one friend of mine who does not have someone that they wonder what things would have been like with. I do, and I've even been married and wondered what if still (doesn't make me a bad person). I think it's a natural feeling. If someone was significant in your life, you are going to wonder.

But here's the thing. We don't say it to the person (at least I know I haven't, but he could probably figure it out without me saying a word) It's feelings that we have inside that we may admit to a gal pal, but will never express it to the former love.

Also, are you sure you weren't reading more between lines versus what was actually said verbatim? Sometimes the truth can be misconstrued.

I may be the black sheep here but if I found something like this from snooping, I would snoop more and see if it gets worse. Because the exact same thing happene to me many years ago. I knew my ex's email password (he gave it to me to help him fix his account many months before that), and I just had a feeling one day that he was doing something with a friend of mine. I snooped in his email and found many emails back and forth. It started out as friendly talking, but over a few weeks it moved on to "I wish I'd met you first" stuff. I snooped for a few more week after that was said, and they were openly considering leaving their current relationships to be together (she was engaged.), except he was wanting to not tell me and cheat because he "didn't want to hurt me". This is when I confronted him with it all and left him. And then they got together just a few days later. I was willing to never bring it up if it had stopped eventually, but it got to that point that I knew he would rather be with her and not me, and just felt trapped. So no, I would personally not just let it go - I would keep an eye on things and see where it's heading. just because she's engaged, if she is feeling the same way and he is saying such things to her there is no gaurenetee just because shes engaged that she isn't available.

I don't think snooping is a bad thing. Not if things like this are going on, and you are SURE of what is going on and it's not just jealousy that he's speaking to a girl that's not you. There shouldn't be things to hide in a relationship, and you guy should not be saying things like this to a girl if he is truly committed to you.

This thread wouldn't be as long as it is if you felt things were really OK. I'd deal with this before he is deployed. You can't "un-ring the bell." You know what you now know. It changes things. The "what if" part is not the big thing. It's his statement that he can't look at the photos of her in her current relationship that are troublesome. If he was just a friend and the "what ifs" were harmless, he could look at her photos with her current guy and be happy for them.

Good luck - but I think you've known all along that you have to see this through.

Lin

I found something like that once, and I couldn't act normal about it after reading it - I burst out crying over cheeseburgers at a Five Guys I believe. He explained it and while it didn't fix everything, it filled in the gaps in the "what if XYZ TERRIBLE THING" floating through my thoughts.

You really need to clear this up with your BF in order to progress in your relationship and move past this, I think. It's not necessarily cheating or a one-way red flag in your relationship that he has had feelings for this girl, though there is something fishy about him trying to make her feel guilty about her engagement/upcoming marriage...see what he says about it.

It is important not to make trust issues brought upon by others someone else's problem, too. Just because Jack cheated has no bearing on whether Leroy will cheat, you know?

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I think i agree with what most are saying- I need to just bite the bullet and tell him what I know. I've thought about it (somewhat logically) over the last day or so, and I know myself. This will always be in the back of my mind unless I get an explanation. I also have a tendency to over analyze everything, so it's very well possible that I misconstrued quite a bit from the chat and that the comments were mostly harmless. I also tried to put myself in his situation, and while I still think their conversation/comments was inappropriate, I can understand the feelings that he might have (in terms of wondering what would have happened if he had asked her out). I guess I'll try to find a way to bring it up to him and hope he doesn't get really angry about the snooping part of it.

MedChick87, I think before you bring it up to him you should really decide how this makes you feel independent of his response. There's not a lot to misunderstand about what he said. The part about how they "could have been" would be disturbing enough to me, but the fact that seeing her engagement photos has an emotional impact on him really bothers me. I wouldn't say he's necessarily doing anything wrong, but that doesn't mean it's right for you to be with someone who isn't 100-percent thrilled to be with you with no regrets. Ten months is long enough to be invested in the current relationship and to have completely moved on from the past. If you are ok with the idea of him having regrets about other girls, then maybe the relationship will be fine. But I would caution you to really think hard about it before you give him the chance to talk his way out of it. You want to believe he's all in, so you're going to give him the chance to convince you he is. But think about whether or not that should erase what you know.

Originally Posted by :
"the us that could have been" and comments about how my boyfriend can't stand to look at their engagement pictures and how he regrets not asking her out.

Ok. This got my attention. Why?

Because of the "us that could have been".

I have been married to my husband (2nd husband, actually!) over 19 years now. We'll celebrate our 20th next May by renewing our vows. I'm so excited! Can't wait! I'd "I-do" with him again every single day. Our marriage is good, we've had some hard times but we've always managed to get thru them. He's far from perfect, but he's perfect for me. :^:

Why do I say this? Well see... when I was 16, I dated a guy in hi-school. BRIEFLY. He was so SWEET! - and he was just crazy about me. But for one reason or another, we couldn't get the relationship "to go". A few years later, we hooked up again. BRIEFLY, again. I soooo wanted to work things out with him. He had always been crazy about me, and I was pretty crazy for him, too. But again... circumstances... we couldn't get together & stay together.

As the years passed, we ran into each other a few more times. Either he was in a relationship or I was, so we could never "get it together." We have never slept together, we have never done anything more than our teen-age lusting for one another & a few good, sweet, memorable dates from our teen years.

NOW HERE I AM. Happily married. Love my husband! Never wanna give him up! - BUT! - I swear... when I think of TOG ("The Other Guy") ... the one that "never really was" - wow, I just WISH we had made a go of it!!! It's not that I want him so bad. It's not that I always thought he was "the one" or anything like that. It's just that I remember him so fondly, was always attracted to him, and always wonder what kind of relationship would we have created together.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WISH I HAD "TOG" INSTEAD OF MY HUSBAND! - no way!!! - I love my husband and I"m so glad we met & our life has worked out the way it did. IT ALSO DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WOULD GO FOR "TOG" RIGHT NOW IF I COULD. Nope, not at all! - It just means that I have incredibly fond memories of a puppy love that never had a chance to grow. AND THAT'S OK.

I believe that things work out the way they do for a reason. We may never know that reason. We don't have to know that reason. We just need to be able to accept things the way they are, without "reading too much into it" when other things pop up along the way.

I hope this helps ease your mind a little. :hug:

HOWEVER. (There's always one'a those!) You are obviously suspicious. I always trust my "inner gut" no matter what it is telling me. My heart may lead me astray, my mind may play tricks on me, but MY GUT FEELINGS have NEVER been wrong.

I'd ask him flat out. If he gets all defensive with the whole snooping thing, just say "I apologize for snooping, and we can deal with that issue later. Right now, we're on this subject." Don't let him derail you with the snooping thing. Don't be accusatory. Don't be angry, sad, etc. Just be inquisitive. Tell him how you feel. Let him do the same.

Just remember - sometimes we can carry a "crush" around forever & a day. I do with TOG. It certainly doesn't mean anything to me, just that I remember him fondly & think of him on occasion and I hope he is living a great life & is happy. After all, I AM. :^:

Yes, yes and yes please. Very well said beach patrol!!

Originally Posted by Beach Patrol:
Ok. This got my attention. Why?

Because of the "us that could have been".

I have been married to my husband (2nd husband, actually!) over 19 years now. We'll celebrate our 20th next May by renewing our vows. I'm so excited! Can't wait! I'd "I-do" with him again every single day. Our marriage is good, we've had some hard times but we've always managed to get thru them. He's far from perfect, but he's perfect for me. :^:

Why do I say this? Well see... when I was 16, I dated a guy in hi-school. BRIEFLY. He was so SWEET! - and he was just crazy about me. But for one reason or another, we couldn't get the relationship "to go". A few years later, we hooked up again. BRIEFLY, again. I soooo wanted to work things out with him. He had always been crazy about me, and I was pretty crazy for him, too. But again... circumstances... we couldn't get together & stay together.

As the years passed, we ran into each other a few more times. Either he was in a relationship or I was, so we could never "get it together." We have never slept together, we have never done anything more than our teen-age lusting for one another & a few good, sweet, memorable dates from our teen years.

NOW HERE I AM. Happily married. Love my husband! Never wanna give him up! - BUT! - I swear... when I think of TOG ("The Other Guy") ... the one that "never really was" - wow, I just WISH we had made a go of it!!! It's not that I want him so bad. It's not that I always thought he was "the one" or anything like that. It's just that I remember him so fondly, was always attracted to him, and always wonder what kind of relationship would we have created together.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WISH I HAD "TOG" INSTEAD OF MY HUSBAND! - no way!!! - I love my husband and I"m so glad we met & our life has worked out the way it did. IT ALSO DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WOULD GO FOR "TOG" RIGHT NOW IF I COULD. Nope, not at all! - It just means that I have incredibly fond memories of a puppy love that never had a chance to grow. AND THAT'S OK.

I believe that things work out the way they do for a reason. We may never know that reason. We don't have to know that reason. We just need to be able to accept things the way they are, without "reading too much into it" when other things pop up along the way.

I hope this helps ease your mind a little. :hug:

HOWEVER. (There's always one'a those!) You are obviously suspicious. I always trust my "inner gut" no matter what it is telling me. My heart may lead me astray, my mind may play tricks on me, but MY GUT FEELINGS have NEVER been wrong.

I'd ask him flat out. If he gets all defensive with the whole snooping thing, just say "I apologize for snooping, and we can deal with that issue later. Right now, we're on this subject." Don't let him derail you with the snooping thing. Don't be accusatory. Don't be angry, sad, etc. Just be inquisitive. Tell him how you feel. Let him do the same.

Just remember - sometimes we can carry a "crush" around forever & a day. I do with TOG. It certainly doesn't mean anything to me, just that I remember him fondly & think of him on occasion and I hope he is living a great life & is happy. After all, I AM. :^:

Thanks so much for sharing this! I really wish I had this to read this yesterday when I was ridiculously upset. It's a very good possibility that what he's feeling is exactly like what you described. One thing I want to ask you though. Something that I, and a lot of others who have responded, are most suspicious about is the idea that he has trouble with her engagement, rather than just being happy for her. Would you feel this way about the guy in your story? Do you think it's normal/ok for him to have any kind of negative emotions about her engagement? Does that necessarily equate to having current romantic feelings? Sorry for all the questions, but your situation seems to be a lot like what he's thinking, at least from what I can gather. I know everyone's different but this might give me some insight.

Originally Posted by MedChick87:
Thanks so much for sharing this! I really wish I had this to read this yesterday when I was ridiculously upset. It's a very good possibility that what he's feeling is exactly like what you described. One thing I want to ask you though. Something that I, and a lot of others who have responded, are most suspicious about is the idea that he has trouble with her engagement, rather than just being happy for her. Would you feel this way about the guy in your story? Do you think it's normal/ok for him to have any kind of negative emotions about her engagement? Does that necessarily equate to having current romantic feelings? Sorry for all the questions, but your situation seems to be a lot like what he's thinking, at least from what I can gather. I know everyone's different but this might give me some insight.

I understand your misgivings, your fear, your uncertainly. Really I do. So I'll tell you this.

ON OUR WEDDING DAY, Hubby & I didn't have much time for anything but getting married & enjoying our ONE NIGHT together as he was in military & had to leave the next day for 6 weeks of special training! - so, we went out to a dance club that night. Me & Hubby, his two best friends, HIS MOM (LOL, I still giggle about that!) and one of my best friends. When we first entered the club, I went directly over to a table that my friends & I liked to consider "ours" whenever we were there. AND GUESS WHO SHOWED UP????? Yup, "TOG". He came RUSHING over to see me - I didn't see him until I turned around & we were face to face.

Me: "WOW! OMG! - hey! What are you doing here? How are you?!?!?!" (we hugged)

TOG: "I saw you the minute you walked into the room! - how are you? God it's good to see you! Can we dance?"

Me: "Uh, actually? I just kinda got married today..." (I pointed to my husband & showed TOG my ring.)

TOG: "You're kidding! Seriously? Please say you're kidding! I cannot BELIEVE my bad luck!!"

Me: "I know, right? Dammit! I guess it's just never going to happen for us, huh?"

TOG: "Doesn't look like it at this point. (He mockingly frowned) I hope you're happy though. I'm heartbroken, of course! Missed my chance - AGAIN!" (he smiled)

Me: "Oh, I'm VERY happy! He is such a good man - I can't believe my good luck in finding him!... and my BAD LUCK in not marrying you!" (he smiled again)

Then I waved my husband over & introduced them. TOG shook my husband's hand, congratulated him on marrying "the prettiest girl he'd ever known" (awwww!) and kissed me on the cheek, wished us both the best, and I've not seen him or heard from him since.


I don't think your guy is swooning & crying over this chick. I think he just has fond memories and has never forgotten her. That's not a bad thing. My father in law once told me how he still occasionally dreams about "the little red haired girl" who he crushed on in the 6th grade. She always came to the ballfield to watch him play baseball and he always walked her home afterward. They NEVER dated. They each went on to several other relationships and both married other people, had children (& grandchildren!) but when they reconnected for a few brief hours at their 40th high school reunion, they still admitted "butterflies" in their stomach for each other.

IT RARELY MEANS ANYTHING. This is not a soap opera where the characters long & long & long for that "one special person" until they die. That's just romanticized b.s.! Sometimes, it just is what it is. There have been people in his life (& yours) way before you two ever got together. Never disregard memories or try to compete with them. It's pointless, useless, & a waste of time & energy.

But yeah - STILL TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. You owe yourself an honest and open communication. :hug:

Honestly, your situation makes me feel a whole lot better about things. Thanks again for your perspective on that. I'm definitely still going to talk with him about it just for my own peace of mind. But I really do think you're right. And I like what you said about competing with memories. I need to write that one on a post-it and stick it somewhere lol

I have a guy like Beach Patrol's. We always reminisce, but it's not like we're going to get together. We had a go back when we were kids, and we both are so fond of each other, but we'll never have a real thing.

If it really bothers you, I'll be the odd one out and say you should just leave and not "confront" him about it. If you really think it's wrong, there is no need to argue - just pack your stuff, let him know why, and go.

When I found out my ex husband was having sex chats with locals, I don't think I ever talked to him about it. I just left when I was ready. Nothing he could say could change conversations I saw.

I am of the school that does not condemn you for snooping. The fact is that there is no smoke without fire and the suspicions that led you to investigate seem, in part, to be well-founded.

If you love someone, truly love them, then there is no way you would ever disrespect them as he has done to you. Intimating to another woman that he would see himself with her (as in could have, would have), suggesting that he is invested enough in her to get upset with her engagement photographs and flirting suggests his commitment is not as wholistic as yours.

Now, there is always some imbalance in relationships and that is fine but his sneakery is what provoked yours. You are both a little wrong footed and perhaps that is what needs to be addressed. Don't you dare feel guilty and don't you beat yourself up about what you have done. He is the one who sneaked and you are the victim of that. You have every right to demand an explanation.

You are afraid if you confront him that he will break up with you but, in fact, you are the one ... unless he offers a sound explanation (and i suspect he won't he will just flannel you about how violated he feels to distract from the real issue ... his cheating sneakery) then it is you who should break up with him. You deserve better than this.