longing...
 

How do you deal with the longing after a break-up? I want every piece of him back, although I know that's unlikely and I don't even know if it'd be healthy for me if I did get back with him. But everything I do makes me think of him, makes me wonder how he's doing, if he even misses me. If he still wonders about me. I'm sure he does; it's only been a few days. I don't see how you can just forget about someone so easily.

But then again, he stopped loving me (or whatever that was) pretty quick, so it just makes me wonder. I don't know what to do to make me stop thinking about him; I don't really want to. I really cared about him, and it just seems so strange that in such a short amount of time someone's feelings can change so quickly. I remember he used to look at me with such light in his eyes, such excitement. Like he couldn't believe he had a girl like me. And then, just with the snap of a finger, it all goes away. He used to hold me and go, "This is mine!" like he was a little boy on Christmas day. I could hear the happiness in his voice, see it in his face. I had never seen such a torn look on his face until the night before we broke up. Every day before that, there was light in his eyes when he looked at me.

How does that change? What could happen to cause that to change? Could something as silly as a broken sexual encounter cause someone to completely turn on you? It just doesn't make any sense.

From the classic Wayne's World, "get over [him], go out with someone else."

Seriously, how long we're you dating? Stop letting him live rent free in your heart and your brain. Go find a good time to have and dammit, live your young life. Someone else will come along and sweep you off your feet again in no time. And maybe they'll like it rough ;)

Sorry about the break up. We all know how rough those can be, but we also know that there's life after an ex. Let yourself be a little sad for awhile, but then, like ghost said, let yourself move on. I love that line--"Stop letting him live rent free in your heart and your brain." Such good advice!

I'm going to link you an article from Jezebel that I absolutely love and always helps me when I'm going through the "WHAT DID I DO WRONG, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME" phase. Just a warning, it might be a little crass to some, but I find the humor and frankness just what I need at times like this.

Chin up, girly, and don't get too down on yourself!!!

http://jezebel.com/5904952/for-chris...ting-manifesto

It's really not even about the sex; I cared about that but not as much as him. I felt so differently about him than I felt from anyone else. For once, I felt like I wasn't being used. For once, I felt like someone actually cared about me for me. For once, I felt like a good looking guy could actually want me. For once, someone looked at me with desire that wasn't just the lusty kind.

For once, I felt like I was a human being and not a toy. For once, I thought I was going to get a group of friends that actually genuinely seemed to like me and care about me.

There was a lot of "for onces" that came with this shortly lived relationship, and it all got taken away from me because of one stupid, bad instance and I'm so hurt and pissed off. This one actually meant something to me. I felt meaning with this one. I'd never felt that before. Before, I was just going through the motions just so the guy would like me and I wanted a boyfriend. But this time... it wasn't like that. This time I genuinely cared for the guy, and not just because I wanted a boyfriend.

But of course, when that happens to me, it gets taken away because for some reason, the universe doesn't want me to have love. It may have been short, and it may seem like it shouldn't have meaning, but it did, and I was looking forward to having something that was meaningful in my life, and I am sorrowful because apparently I'm not allowed to have that.

You're young. You two hadn't been together long, at all. This is life, sorry to say :(.

You're probably going to get your heart broken a kajillion times before you find 'the one'. Maybe a kajillion and one.

You have to stop putting all your eggs in someone else's basket. They won't take care of them near as well as you can take care of your own dang eggs!!! Find your own happiness. The sooner you figure this out, the sooner you'll be content and happy in your own skin. At the end of the day YOU are your own biggest fan. YOU are your own best friend. NOBODY can make that happen for you.

It hurts, I get that. I've been hurt before. It sucks. Cry it out and move on. don't let him control your emotions. It's over, you said so yourself. LOVE YOU. Don't depend on someone else for love. If you learn to love yourself, without a man for validation.... Everything will be better. Trust me.

And - It'll be ok. It will.

You describe feeling self-worth in your relationship with this guy, what I don't understand is why you feel it was due to him and not to an increase of self esteem in yourself. Maybe the feeling came from within, because you felt like you were worth more because of your changes in lifestyle and appearance.

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to be indelicate here: if this chap loved you, heck if he even LIKED you more than in passing one sexual encounter would not have changed his entire outlook on the relationship. That's the truth. Men who love their women stick by them even if she finds out she's HIV+ or if she has a double mastectomy and no longer has breasts or if she gains hundreds of pounds (I personally know 3 couples each with one of these problems, and guess what, the guys don't get mad or sulk, they redouble their efforts to make their ladies happy), if a man loves you he will bend over backwards to please you in the bedroom. The fact that he left you because he didn't like the way one sexual encounter went, and not even the first one so he must have had previous positive encounters suggests that, whether you could see it or not, he was using you.

He doesn't have the right to be in your heart and mind anymore, and you need to stop pining for a guy who doesn't deserve it.

Originally Posted by Katbot24:
You describe feeling self-worth in your relationship with this guy, what I don't understand is why you feel it was due to him and not to an increase of self esteem in yourself.

I almost never feel an extraordinary amount of self-worth on my own. It comes in bursts sometimes, but I never, ever 100% feel like I am worthy of anything. I thought losing weight would make me happy, but it hasn't really. Nothing I've done has made me overly happy unless I'm with a guy, and I don't really understand it myself.

Originally Posted by mimsyborogoves:
INothing I've done has made me overly happy unless I'm with a guy, and I don't really understand it myself.

Until you can get this sorted out all of your relationships will eventually fail. How can we expect someone to love and respect us when we don't even love and respect ourselves?!?

I look back at that night and think of things I said and did that probably put him off - a lot. And they had to do with that very thing - my self-esteem issues. Before we had sex, we had just gotten done having a mini-argument that had to do with my body image. He thought I was perfectly fine the way I was, and I wasn't happy, and he wasn't happy that I didn't agree with him about my body. He doesn't think I need to lose any more weight, and when I told him I wanted to lose at least another 20lbs he sighed like he was frustrated with me. He couldn't understand why I wasn't happy with myself, and it frustrated him.

And then, later, when "it" happened, I didn't know what to do. I panicked. I kept apologizing over and over and he got annoyed and right before we went to sleep, I made the mistake of asking if he'd continue to have sex with me, which probably was a dead giveaway of my feelings towards myself and probably made him change his feelings towards me.

Which means that what you all are saying is right: I need to focus on me, and I need to love myself before I try to allow anyone else to love me. I just wish I knew how to do that. It seems like nothing I do is good enough to satisfy me, and I don't feel like I'm good enough to do the things that WOULD possibly satisfy me. It's a never ending battle and I don't know how to fight it.

And, seriously... sometimes sex is downright embarrassing and ridiculous.

If you don't have the maturity to deal with what comes with it, in a relationship... maybe you shouldn't be having sex with that person. That goes for both parties.

My first piece of (probably entirely useless) advice: Don't listen to 3 Doors Down. I do that EVERY time I go through a break up and end up in tears before the second track is over. Do people even listen to 3 Doors Down anymore? No? Yeah...figured that was less than useless.

In any case, time is your best friend right now. Your mind and emotions aren't to be trusted. Don't listen to anything your scumbag brain tries to tell you about it being an inadequacy on your part that caused this...it's lying. It's a jerk. You're a good person and deserve to be happy. Right now this seems like a huge deal, but a few months down the road you'll probably find someone else that can make you even happier, no matter how perfect your memory is trying to make your ex right now. That's another scum-baggy thing about brains...instead of being reasonable and focusing on how a person just laid a whole world of pain on us, they try to rationalize why the jerk was "right" for us in the first place...I don't know how many times I've had guys all-out sleep with my friends then sat sobbing about how I'd lost the best thing to ever cross my path. Months later I realize how flawed that logic is and that if they didn't respect me enough to keep it in their pants, they clearly weren't worth the time I invested in them...but it's amazing how everything is sunshine and roses right after someone's a d-bag to you.

Unfortunately some people just aren't as compatible as they seem. I've been on several different dating sites and ALL of them have immediately found one of my exes' profiles and told me to send him a message because their numbers indicate that we're a perfect match. Been there, done that...Dear emotionless robot doing computations: your numbers are wrong. It's especially awful when one person is clearly more invested in the relationship than the other, but try to remember that you deserve someone who's willing to put forth some effort and meet you halfway.

Take some time for you. Have some fun alone. Hang out with friends and giggle over cocktails. As hard as it is, try not to dwell on this and eventually things will start to look better.

I agree that 1 sexual encounter/night won't deter a guy that is into you. The boyfriend I had before my husband broke up with me and I was hurt and didn't understand why he didn't want to try to work it out. We had been together for nearly a year. I also had low self esteem. Looking back, things were building that neither of us were willing to address and I almost broke up with him a few months prior.

Basically, it will be really hard for anyone to love you if you don't love yourself. I still have low esteem moments but I try to not get them tangled up in my relationship with my husband. No one wants to hear their loved one tell them they are worthless.

Besides my husband, that previous boyfriend was my only other sexual partner. With both of hem, we talked about what we wanted in a relationship, previous sexual partners, STDs, birth control and desires in a sexual relationship prior to actually having sex. It made sure we were both on the same page prior to entering a committed sexual relationship. Communication isn't always easy but it is easier than no communication.

Remind yourself of three things that you haven't really lived yet, but will:

1. You are always better off alone than with someone who won't communicate with you or treats your quirks or insecurities as a frustration.

2. As you grow, your relationships will grow. When I think back on the relationships I had in college and shortly after, I barely even consider them actual relationships. Sure, some people meet their spouses and partners young and it works out, but a lot of us have a lot of growing to do still. I include myself in that. You learn something new with every relationship, and this is just getting you closer to the right one.

3. You are not less of a person if you're not part of a couple!

Is it a bad idea to contact him? I don't really expect anything to come out of it, but knowing how he's doing wouldn't be so bad, would it?

Lauren,

I'm sorry to say that this was meant to be. You won't see it this
way yet, because it's fresh and it hurts but give it time.

I once dated someone for 3 months and he broke up with me and
I was completely crushed but I noticed as soon as I started to heal,
something changed within me: I had more self confidence and I knew
that I could find someone that made me feel that way and that it would
happen again because I knew it was now possible.

It's his loss, babe. And you will become stronger from this.
Just hang in there. Grieve the loss but for your own sanity, move on
and don't obsess about why. It just is. I wouldn't contact him. That will make your
healing time longer. Just let it go. It was great but now that part of your life
is done.
Focus on the positives that came from this negative experience.
Every bad situation has a positive.
:hug:

Hi Lauren, I wouldn't contact him. You might regret it later. What I used to do is write a letter I'd never send or make a friend pretend to be him (silly but it worked for me) and yell at the actor.

Every one of my breakups has hurt like crazy and made me start questioning my worth. I'm a very sensitive person as it sounds you are too. But Lauren, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Every bad relationship helps you find a better one because you learn to identify red flags. A committed guy will not run because of a small problem. My fiancé once reassured me three months into us dating "I'm not going anywhere, and if I were you'd know way ahead of time because we would have talked about it and it would be a process". My fiancé and I have had bad months, we've had bad seasons, but heck, we're making it work through thick and thin because there's a strong compatibility and passion there.

Breathe, don't listen to the nasty voices in your head. Let your friends pep talk you. Let yourself cry once in a while but remember, there are lots of guys to love you out there who will be more committed than this one.

aaaahhhh, young "love".

I know you're probably tired as heck of hearing "you're young", but it's so true hun. You guys weren't together long enough to qualify as "real love". I dont say this to discredit your feelings, because I know and am quite sure what you felt was true....but you will look back on this when you hit your late 20's and 30's and wonder WTF you were thinking. I PROMISE.

Definitely a bad idea to contact him. You'd only be torturing yourself. Let some time pass and then you can perhaps pursue a friendship.

It is a terrible idea to contact him. Feel your feelings. I'd have hated to hear the same thing at your age, but...this a part of life and learning. Time will heal much of this. He was not the be all end all for you. The self-esteem issues you mentioned probably need to be worked on separately, though. You deserve to treat yourself well-- focus on what you can do for YOU (therapy, recognizing your own self worth, respecting and trusting your own feelings). That's my advice, best of luck. Break-ups suck, this I know.

Originally Posted by mimsyborogoves:
Is it a bad idea to contact him? I don't really expect anything to come out of it, but knowing how he's doing wouldn't be so bad, would it?

It would be pretty bad. I think if you ask yourself why you want to know, that should give you answers about why it's not a good idea.

Rule #1 of dating, don't bring your body image issues into it or that's all he'll be able to see (unless he has issues too)!

Rule #2, sex is ALWAYS awkward the first few times, and if someone can't deal, too f-ing bad, he's a manbaby, move on. Pushing food on you and not being able to talk about sex like an adult, mehhhh, 4/10.

Rule #3 that should actually be Rule #1, be ok with being you with or without a man. A new love interest/boyfriend should feel like an exciting new addition or a shiny toy, but not something that COMPLETES who YOU are.

Also if you contact him what are you going to say?

I'm torn. I know part of me wants him back and thinks that getting back in touch with him in a way beyond just saying "Hi", like sharing an inside joke or something, would remind him what he had with me and make him rethink things and come back.

Part of me genuinely wants to know how he is because I care about him and I haven't heard from him since we broke up, and out of instinct, I'm worried and want to know he's okay and I want him to know that I do still care about him, regardless of what happened.

Part of me knows that there's more of a chance that none of this is of interest to him, and by contacting him, I'll just end up right back where I was and it's pointless.

So, I don't I will, at least not right now. I need time, he needs time, and I think I'm too vulnerable right now to try to deal with him and my emotions at the same time.

I think you should go back and actually read what people have said to you in their replies. There is a lot of valuable advice in this topic that you are just blatantly ignoring.

Aw come on, if everyone applied logic and reason over emotions in the world of love and relationships, especially early on while young, life would be boring and we wouldn't have to learn by trial and error.

I know when I was younger I felt emotions x 100000 compared to what I do now. I don't like using words like "hardened" or "desensitized" but I feel like going through all that BS forced me to grow and wisened me up.

Originally Posted by krampus:
I don't like using words like "hardened" or "desensitized" but I feel like going through all that BS forced me to grow and wisened me up.

You may not want to use em, but I WILL. Us women become like shell shocked vets when it comes to love by the time we're in our mid 20's. Guys do a lot of really $hitty things to women, especially young guys. I bet not one of us responding to this thread haven't been abused - verbally, emotionally, or physically by one insensitive guy or another. That's what makes finding "the one" so goddang special, because they're freaking rare.

Originally Posted by dayoneagain:
I think you should go back and actually read what people have said to you in their replies. There is a lot of valuable advice in this topic that you are just blatantly ignoring.

I am reading it, and I know what they're saying. This is where my screwed up brain comes in to tell me not to give up on him, but also telling me to give up on him at the same time. It's also telling me some pretty screwed up stuff about myself. It's also telling me the stuff you all are telling me. You can imagine how overwhelming that all is, so forgive me for not being all gung-ho about it. My life is a never ending, overwhelming battle of emotions and I had it under control somewhat while I had a counselor, but she's gone now so I'm back to fighting this crap on my own and it isn't easy.

Screw him!!! Seriously.

Do NOT contact him.

The person you need to not give up on is YOU! Do something special for yourself today.

Originally Posted by ValRock:
Screw him!!! Seriously.

Do NOT contact him.

The person you need to not give up on is YOU! Do something special for yourself today.

+1 on these wise words!

You can give every reason & excuse in the book but you want to contact him because you want a faint hope that he will come around and suddenly change his mind. This is very common for women, especially when you base your self-worth on whether a man wants you or not.

Originally Posted by Katbot24:
You may not want to use em, but I WILL. Us women become like shell shocked vets when it comes to love by the time we're in our mid 20's. Guys do a lot of really $hitty things to women, especially young guys. I bet not one of us responding to this thread haven't been abused - verbally, emotionally, or physically by one insensitive guy or another. That's what makes finding "the one" so goddang special, because they're freaking rare.

And yet when men say stuff about "women" as a blanket group, we get upset...kinda unfair to paint an entire sex with the same jaded brush is it not? I've been around the block and had a few boyfriends here and there and only one of them was a jerk. He also had emotional problems and was not well-endowed, so there you go.

In my case, the TOO MANY FEELINGS guy from my younger days who hurt me didn't do anything wrong besides NOT LIKE ME, which is unfortunately not a crime. He's actually gay, which sort of makes the whole thing laughable.

My OH and I broke up last year, I was absolutely heart broken, and it has taken me pretty much a year to get over it. My advice would be to take your time to look after yourself, try not to obsess over the what ifs and what could ofs, because that is just torture!!
I wouldnt contact him so soon personally. Take care of yourself.

Originally Posted by krampus:
Aw come on, if everyone applied logic and reason over emotions in the world of love and relationships, especially early on while young, life would be boring and we wouldn't have to learn by trial and error.

I know when I was younger I felt emotions x 100000 compared to what I do now. I don't like using words like "hardened" or "desensitized" but I feel like going through all that BS forced me to grow and wisened me up.

Absolutely. Its important to learn from the experiences though (I know one too many women who repeat the same behaviors over and over), and this is precisely why I said, when OP is in her late 20's - 30's she will look back and wonder WTF was I thinking?!!!

Don't call him!

Okay, I have a lot of guy friends...more then girl friends and when they break up with a girl, for whatever reason, and the girl keeps calling or emailing, they become a bit of a joke to everyone. Don't become the butt of jokes by hanging on to something that is over. Leave him to his own life and you move on with yours.

Originally Posted by Katbot24:
You may not want to use em, but I WILL. Us women become like shell shocked vets when it comes to love by the time we're in our mid 20's. Guys do a lot of really $hitty things to women, especially young guys. I bet not one of us responding to this thread haven't been abused - verbally, emotionally, or physically by one insensitive guy or another. That's what makes finding "the one" so goddang special, because they're freaking rare.

Men can say the same thing.

No matter what's below your belt, it takes time, age, experience, growth, in order to learn to understand or at least empathize with others, particularly the opposite sex. Being young and inexperienced comes hand-in-hand with hurting others, particularly the opposite sex - sometimes intentional, often not. That's just life.

That's why so many of us can look back on 'devastating' breakups and realize 'oh... what was that fuss all about?', because in hindsight, you realize that perhaps your inexperience/misguided emotions/youth led you to believe that it was something that it wasn't. How many "JERKS" did we know at age 18, only to look back at 28, 38, etc... and think "gee, we were just immature kids. He wasn't a jerk. He was just a kid."

Just my thoughts.

Originally Posted by sacha:
Men can say the same thing.

No matter what's below your belt, it takes time, age, experience, growth, in order to learn to understand or at least empathize with others, particularly the opposite sex. Being young and inexperienced comes hand-in-hand with hurting others, particularly the opposite sex - sometimes intentional, often not. That's just life.

That's why so many of us can look back on 'devastating' breakups and realize 'oh... what was that fuss all about?', because in hindsight, you realize that perhaps your inexperience/misguided emotions/youth led you to believe that it was something that it wasn't. How many "JERKS" did we know at age 18, only to look back at 28, 38, etc... and think "gee, we were just immature kids. He wasn't a jerk. He was just a kid."

Just my thoughts.

I agree 100%.

It's easier said than done, but I urge you to find your own fun. When you can go out on your own and just enjoy yourself, it attracts people to you, and you'll find yourself making friends without even trying. You can find your own self worth and you will, but like anything else in life, it takes some work to get there.

re:
 

It really sounds like everything in your life right now is revolving around this guy and his lifestyle. I'm also considering the post in general where you say that all you do right now is go to work, come home, diet, and sleep. It's not coincidence they're written on the same day.

It sounds to me that you're not only attached to him but to his group of friends and the new lifestyle you were looking at since you mention you're losing them too.

I'm not going to go all psychobabble on you, but do you think you are more upset over breaking up with him or are you upset that you think your life will go back to being ultra boring? I know from other posts that this is a recent guy and there was one just before that. Are you confusing feelings for them with feelings of 'yay my life is exciting' now or something like that - and that's why you want to keep pursuing them?

There's nothing wrong with you - these feelings are all normal.
Stop blaming yourself.
You don't need a man to prove your self worth.
Try not to be so depressed...easier said than done I know.

As for life in general, maybe there's some people at work who feel the same way you do? Anyone to just go get lunch with or have a drink after work with? Small steps build friendly circles. It's not going to happen quickly, but at least you know those people will be there regardless of whatever guy you're with. Maybe there's even people here on this board in your area that would like to get together just for fun.

That's exactly why I do what I do, lol. They fill the void and give me things to do (in more ways than one, lol), and I feel like I'm satisfied in all areas. So yes, in a way, I feel completed when I snag a man because I no longer have to fight the battle by myself and I have someone to distract me from it. Unfortunately, guys catch on to this and don't want to help me fight my battles.

Most of the people I work with are significantly older than me or are about to go back to college in far away places. I'm not completely knockign them though, and there actually is a light at the tunnel -- today has just been one of those days that have been part of a series of days, lol. I'm slowly getting better. A friend came out of the blue and invited me out to karaoke tonight, and I'm making plans to go see one of my out-of-town friends as we speak, cause I really just need to get away from here.

And then after that, I need to find out how to go about getting a job/internship at a publishing house, because I want to be a freakin' editor. And I'm going to get in touch with my counselor. The end. :)

re:
 

That's awesome! Now, a word of advice, from experience unfortunately, that I hope you'll consider.

I assume there's alcohol involved with karaoke. Do NOT call that guy after you've been drinking - better yet, just leave your phone in the car.

Originally Posted by Vex:
That's awesome! Now, a word of advice, from experience unfortunately, that I hope you'll consider.

I assume there's alcohol involved with karaoke. Do NOT call that guy after you've been drinking - better yet, just leave your phone in the car.

This x1000!!!! Seriously, nothing good has ever come from drunk dialing anyone.

I also think the counselor idea is a very good idea. You seem very overwhelmed (and have for a few months through your post...which I understand I went through the same thing a few years ago when I graduated) and an unbiased party to help you sort out some stuff I think would be a tremendous help.

It sounds like maybe this guy sensed that you were using him to fill this void in yourself. FTR - guys do NOT like that. You've really got to figure out how to be happy with yourself before you dive into another relationship. No man is going to stick around to fix you... he'll run, and FAST.

Please do not contact him. I can almost guarantee that will do more harm than good. If you do decide to, please keep in mind that it's possible he will ignore you, or be mean to you. It's not worth it.
I promise you that it will get easier. But for now, please just focus on yourself...you need to realize your self worth. You are fabulous and any man worthy of your love will accept you as is. It's not about whether or not you're good enough for them, it's whether or not they are good enough for you.
Hang in there. I've been there, I know how hard it is. But months or years down the road, this guy will be nothing but a blip on the radar, I guarantee it.