I have no idea how to address this (fiances daughter)
....without sounding like a completely selfish "B"
So, his daughter is 9 going into 4th grade spending summer vacation with us. A couple days ago she started mentioning coming to live with her daddy. He is SO gung ho, like LETS DO IT NOW. Im ok with this happening with planning.....but not with an immediate move this summer. I haven't had a chance to have a serious talk with him because we're on vacation and there are usually a few libations involved.....not a talk we need to be having over drinks. Not to mention, I don't think fiance nor his daughter are thinking this through entirely. I also know if I were her mom, id be in shock and wouldn't let this happen immediately either.
Anyway, I do have selfish reasons too....like feeling like I would be picking up most of the work. Picking her up from school, missing work for appointments....etc. My son will be in middle school next year and it will be my first time not having to pay for before and after school care. Im just not ready to do it all again when my heart was set on being done.
I know its selfish but I have no idea how to convey my feelings to fiance without sounding like its all about me.
When you love someone , you love everything about him/her including children. Never count on children staying with their other parent, it may not work out that way. It is a compliment to you that his daughter wants to live with you.
Don't discuss it now. It is a big adjustment and your feelings are normal. Give yourself time to let your feeling settle so you can articulate what your real concerns are. You don't want to make it sound like you're rejecting his child (which it's clear you don't want to do). Who knows, the situation may work itself out in the meantime....
I think you need to set a time, an "appointment" with your husband once you're home, and sit down and talk it over. You're entitled to be concerned about the ramifications of such a huge change in the family. Try to calmly explain that you love his daughter and this is not about not wanting her to live there, but wanting to be sure that you discuss everything so that you're all sure that its the best thing for her, for her mother, and for your family. She may just want to move because dad is the fun one, and mom makes her do chores she hates. Her mother may not be okay with her moving.
I don't think you are being selfish at all! And I agree, it's not something to just jump into overnight! And...I don't know any mother (well, except for a couple) who would let their daughter go live with the dad. And I say this coming from a family with a lot of 'steps' in it.
About a month and a half after my dad and stepmom were married, my mother decided she wanted me and my sibling to live with them. My stepmother graciously took us in. She loved my dad and loved us. She still does. It put a huge strain on their marriage. I don't think I'll ever know the totality of it, but it triggered some aweful emotional consequences for her. Through it all she remained as selfless and graceful as she could, though it hurt her so much. My dad really wasn't there to support her through the change. On top of that, we were spiteful little animals. If they had had the chance to discuss things first and to air out some of the gigantic problems that were coming with us kids, I think things would have been different. She needed adjustment time for being married and for being a stepmom. Dad needed adjustment time for being married. They're still married 25 years later and are just now getting settled into a happy, untumultuous marriage.
Your feelings are not selfish. It is not selfish to want to talk things over before jumping in with both feet or to want to make an informed decision TOGETHER. It's not like you're saying you don't want the kid because she's a nasty little brat. To make a marriage work, you have to at least know where your spouse stands, and if you both can deal with how the other views things. Talk to your fiance about your feelings and what will be best for the entire family. I wish you the best!!
You're right,EVERYONE needs to think this through.
I assume the parents have a legal custody arrangement in place. Are both legal custody and physical custody 50/50? If mom isn't on board with this idea there could be a complicated legal battle involved here.
As far as you picking up the bulk of the added work: this may not be the case. Legally you have no right to sign medical authorization, permission slips, etc. This may or may not become an issue depending on the circumstances.
IF this moves forward, you and your fiance need to work out a whole lot of details re: responsibility for primary caregiver stuff, discipline, finances, house rules, etc. This is NOT something to be done without a whole lot of conversation even if you're 100% in agreement on whether or not it should be happening.
Thank you for the feedback everyone. We do need to talk and think this through. For a little background though, his daughter has a good home. I would not hesitate for ONE second if her home with her mother was anything short of good for her. She has 3 younger half siblings. I think her saying she wants to live with her dad/us stems from this vacation. It's been all fun and games. Her first plane trip, first trip to Disneyland, wild animal park, legoland, beaches. I mean what kid wouldn't want to be where it's all sunshine and rainbows everyday.
Yes I know it all sounds selfish. I realize that....I'm not saying she is banned from ever living with us, I just feel like jumping into it immediately is not the best course of action. Especially since her home with her mom is just fine.
Thank you for the feedback everyone. We do need to talk and think this through. For a little background though, his daughter has a good home. I would not hesitate for ONE second if her home with her mother was anything short of good for her. She has 3 younger half siblings. I think her saying she wants to live with her dad/us stems from this vacation. It's been all fun and games. Her first plane trip, first trip to Disneyland, wild animal park, legoland, beaches. I mean what kid wouldn't want to be where it's all sunshine and rainbows everyday.
Yes I know it all sounds selfish. I realize that....I'm not saying she is banned from ever living with us, I just feel like jumping into it immediately is not the best course of action. Especially since her home with her mom is just fine.
From outward appearances it is fine, there may be circumstances you don't know about. I am not trying to talk you out of anything, just saying when there are children from previous relationships and step parents sometimes there are problems. I was a stepchild myself, hated my stepfather but anyone would tell you what a happy home I had. To escape I eventually went to live with an aunt. I hope you are right that she has a stable, healthy home and just thinks life with Dad would be all fun and games. Just some things to think about, it is a big step and I am sure you want to do the right thing.
Her first plane trip, first trip to Disneyland, wild animal park, legoland, beaches. I mean what kid wouldn't want to be where it's all sunshine and rainbows everyday.
You're not being selfish. This kid is not your kid, and you are not married to either of her parents. And you're supposed to pick up the heavy lifting of child-rearing?
Also, I think your thoughts about vacation versus real life really need to be given thought.
I'm engaged as well and I often have to remind myself that our relationship comes first. Meaning, we have to talk about decisions that have ramifications for both of us before we jump in feet first. This can be about wedding planning, pet ownership etc. You need to sit down with your fiancé and ask him to discuss things like this with you first. You should come first in his life in these kind of decisions now. I'm sure once you talk calmly about all the details you'll feel more prepared for the next step.
I'm engaged as well and I often have to remind myself that our relationship comes first. Meaning, we have to talk about decisions that have ramifications for both of us before we jump in feet first. This can be about wedding planning, pet ownership etc. You need to sit down with your fiancé and ask him to discuss things like this with you first. You should come first in his life in these kind of decisions now. I'm sure once you talk calmly about all the details you'll feel more prepared for the next step.
Kids are in a whole different category than pets and wedding planning. For him, and for the OP, I'm sure their kids come first. A father has a right have his children live with him just as much as a mother has a right to have her children live with her (barring abuse, which applies to either parent).
There are likely many details that we are not privy to and I'm glad that the OP will have a discussion about all of the implications, legal and practical, that may come with such a change.
I know its selfish but I have no idea how to convey my feelings to fiance without sounding like its all about me.
You speak your truth!
Tell fiancee you are open to discussion, but to discuss when the kid goes home. As you say, she's 9, and operating on "sunshine and rainbows" because she's in vacation mode. And you cannot proceed without bringing Mom on board too. That's a major life decision there. And you can't bring mom on board before you even decide if it's a runner between you two first.
One baby step at a time here!
You are NOT being selfish in wanting to air out your wants, needs, limits. It is your RESPONSIBILITY to voice those things in relationship. You get it all out on the negotiation table, everyone dumps out their buckets, then you all sort to find the happy medium.
If you are worried about having to pick up the kid sticks, you are worried. What's he going to pony up to do? Because you thought since your kid is in middle school you are done with the elem school scene.
Remember that in rship?
You have:
The right to clear communication
The right to expect support from partner
The right to be nurtured
The right to get your needs met
The right to responsiveness
The right to constructive feedback
You are:
Responsible for knowing and stating your needs, wants and limits
Responsible for following through on promises
Responsible for your own and your partner's physical safety
Responsible for your own and your partner's emotional safety
Responsible for emergency preparedness
Responsible for caring for your own equipment/stuff
So everyone play ball and talk like grown ups about making a major life changing decision here -- the custody of another child.
I have no idea how to address this (fiances daughter)
