Just Venting-My mom
 

I feel like my mom is a part time job sometimes. I work a full time job (at least 45 hours a week) but it is just above minimum wage. I've not moved out yet and so I am stuck at home. My dad also works, mostly 6 days a week. My mom cannot drive.
So I am stuck driving her around 2 days a week on the weekends so it seems. She will want to go shopping on Saturdays usually. She wants to go to places like fashion bug, walmart, maybe yard sales, to visit her sisters ect. Then on Sunday we have to go grocery shopping to stock up for the week.
Both days we eat at restaurants. I don't like rushing people when they are eating, but she always takes longer to eat than me. If we are at an all you can eat buffet...she seems to eat all she can eat! Or so it feels like it...
And we can't do like 2 trips in one day. For example I can't take her to fashion bug and then we go grocery shopping afterwards. It is too much walking for her arthritis. So I have to do this 2 days...
And it is an all day thing. Yesterday we left around 9 a.m. and didn't get home until after 2p.m. Same with today.
She does buy me lunch. She does usually buy me something I like...but it is just driving me nuts.
I want a social life. I want to do things on the weekend...for ME! What if I wanted to go somewhere else? I am 26 and have no idea how I am ever going to fit in a social life or dating when I have been doing this for her so long...
And like I said she does buy me stuff when we are out, but I am getting tired of material stuff. I have a closet full of clothes, which is cool but it gets hard to manage and just adds stress to my life. I am more into buying only things that really matter to me, and that I really want...she isn't! lol and usually the things I really want I end up buying from my own money anyways...
Then I found her this record player about a year ago that records onto cds so she could record her favorite records or tapes onto a cd. It would make things easier on her. Well she can't work that thing, it is in my room and I do it for her now. I figured it wouldn't be much, she has alot of records she collected from when she grew up...but it wouldn't be that much. Now she is going to yard sales and flea markets to find more records and more tapes for me to put onto cds for her!!! Like I need more stuff to do! And what is crazy is I told her only to give me ones she doesn't already own on cd collections she bought-but then she brings me stuff that I know she already has on cds...I feel like it is inconsiderate-like she is wasting my time? I am recording songs onto a cd she already has on a cd...
So I don't know if I am being selfish? I mean, these are things that makes her life better and as my mother she has raised me and put time into making my life better. She won't be there my whole life, so I should feel thrilled for spending time with her.
On the other hand...I want my own life! I wish she would give me space...even though we live under the same roof.
What do you think?

I think that you should talk to her about it. I'd let her know that you love spending time with her but you'd like to start doing some things on the weekend with friends and you'd like to figure out how she can get her groceries etc, and you two can still spend time together, but still be able to do some things for yourself. This way she doesn't feel like you're saying you don't want to spend time with her, and she can still get groceries etc.

As far as the CD thing, I'd just not do it for her. Tell her you're busy and will do it when you can, and maybe write her some instructions to do it herself. Basically, force her to do it herself by not being available to do it for her.

Its okay, and normal, and healthy for you to want your own life, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to have it.

I think you just need to tell her how you feel. I am 27 and live at home (although I've only recently returned here). And I would never be able to live like you are living. Once you are a grown adult, its difficult to remain in a lifestyle that may only be suitable for a teenager.

One day a week may be reasonable, seeing as she's feeding and housing you. But possibly you can ask for 1 day a week "Me Time" where you are off-limits to the requests of others.

I may sound selfish, but it's better than being resentful.

No, you are not being selfish, but she is. I don't think she has thought about it, she is so used to doing it this way. Time to cut the apron strings.

You take her the one day, and let your dad (her husband) take her grocery shopping on his day off!

I think it'll also be easier if you aren't saying "I don't want to" or "I'm not going to" but "let's find a plan that works for what we both need/want". Then its a collaboration that she has a say in, and not a declaration that she just has to accept.

I guess I'm seeing the other side of this. You're 26, still living at home, and hopefully paying room/board, a third of the utilities, food, etc., cleaning products, the costs of running the house, and even WITH that, comes additional helping out at times. If you're paying sufficiently more than "your share" then that could go toward helping your mom find someone else to assist her, but ...

They raised you to 18 years old to let yourself live your life and that was eight years ago. Now that living at home isn't working for you socially, it's time to look to rent a place with a few friends and share that cost and then you'll be out of a situation that's not your ideal. Then you can let your mom know if/when you're able to lend a hand.

Good luck!

I do need to talk to her about this. Maybe I can just set guidelines of what I will do on the weekend and work her in between.
She and I would starve before dad brings us home food! lol we have to do the grocery shopping, IF he does go to the store for something he needs, he only gets that and nothing else that she or I need.
nationalparker-they own the house so no rent and if I were to pay rent then dad would have to put that on his income taxes and that would totally mess him up ;)
Plus I usually eat what they make or eat very little in general. If I get special foods then I pay for that. I pay for my cell phone but no utilities-where we live we don't have to pay for water, we don't have cable ect. just electric.

Seems like you are beginning to sort things okay. Do hope it pans out alright.
Sometimes it's a sign that she is trying to hold on to you as it is a very difficult stage for mums to let go their offspring and face an empty nest!

She probably doesn't realize she's monopolizing your free time. She might she it as "girl time." It also sounds like she may be lonely, so she enjoys getting out with you. Just explain it to her.

As far as recording the albums, I agree to write out the directions (every single step!) and show her how to do it. About 10 years ago my dad (at the age of 60+) decided he wanted to learn how to use a computer. In teaching him, I'd write out every single step that would be easiest for him. It was tough but it did teach me patience. I had to do the same thing with my mom when they bought a new tv and dvd player. Something that's just second nature to me, doesn't come so easily to them. It may take some time and lots of patience, but it's well worth it.

Good luck!!!

Let me add another perspective. How old is mom? Because a lot of what you do to me sounds like the eldercare I do for my Dad.

A lot of the stuff is eerie familiar -- even down to the copying of records. A boring chore for me, but I know it isn't about the THING. It is about the PROCESS of the thing, and taking the time to spend the time with him to do it.

And because even though it's easier for me to just rip it at home or buy a CD, doing it that way means I haven't spent the TIME with him. Which for seniors who danger at the place of being shut ins - matters a lot to their health and well being. They light up to see people because they spend too much time along shoosted to the side of Life. Not sick enough to be SICK SICK but not in their prime so not really IN the thick of it anymore, growing lonely/bored/sad/depressed, etc.

At the same time, we cannot give up our own life to tend to them 24/7. Some kind of balance must be reached for ALL the family.

Talk to Dad about his taking a weekend turn so you both at least get a weekend off totally every other week.

Or see about enrolling Mom in senior classes/transport/volunteering so she can get about while you are at work so everything doesn't have to glom on the weekend. She gets to "air out" during the week so you and Dad don't have to be doing weekend catchup.

A.

You are a 26 year old adult
living in your parents home
getting free meals and taken out for dinners

....what are you b!tching about again? lol:dizzy:

move out =current problem solved... than you will have to support yourself and well have ACTUAL problems to complain about as you cherish each moment you now take for granted

Does your mom work? If not, what does she do all day?!?! Probably she is bored. Maybe she could get a part-time job just for fun?

You're not being selfish. I love my mom and talk to her almost everyday but was don't live together. If I had to spend every day off with my mom I would lose my patience with her and get in HUGE fights...and if I had to drive her everywhere? THAT WOULD DRIVE ME INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!

So you have my sympathies. She needs a new hobby...one that she can bus too...

Dagny, you seriously need to move out. First, it will help both you AND your mum to stand on your own feet. You will get a chance to grow up, do what you like, get friends and well, a life! You can still live close to your mum and come to her house lets say once a week to drive her, spend some time with her, but you'll be visiting, and it makes a huge difference.

Also, you will learn what it actually costs to feed a person, to keep a place (even a little, shared apartment) and other things that will get more than handy. All in all, I think moving out will do all of you good.

This.

From someone who lives 12 000 miles from her mother. I WISH I had to take her out and do things for her.

Some people's mothers hate them or vice versa and refuse to acknowledge their own daughters. Be glad yours wants to spend time with you and even wants to buy you things. I know, I know, it's like saying "PEOPLE ARE STARVING IN AFRICA" to someone who wants to lose 10 vanity pounds.

Moving out solves a lot of these problems. Have you looked for apartments on Craigslist?

lol another perspective...

I told my mom about this post, my mom said:

"Tell her to give her mom some cab money so she can go out while she's at work...it's worth it."

My mom is in her 50-60s and doesn't have a job. She cannot drive (is going blind) so she cannot use things like computers or the stereo recorder which has smaller buttons...
We don't have cabs or taxis around here...so she can't go in a cab. I don't think she would like that idea anyways.
I guess I will just have to deal with it. She is very...I don't know. Well, she doesn't talk to my sister anymore, she hasn't for almost a year. I forget why...I think my sister didn't get her a birthday gift or said something to her. They go through this (my sister is married and lives across town) where they will not talk to each other for months. Usually they make up, but it has been almost a year...
My sister didn't even know she was mad at her. One day out of the blue my sister calls her up to talk to her and my mom answered the phone and said we are not dead yet and hung up!!
So...this is why I walk on egg shells around her and usually let her have her way! But sometimes...there are weekends where I wished I could have done something else for myself!

It's hard to do eldercare. Like I said -- especially when they are not SICK sick but aging, perhaps poorly.

When did Mom last have a check up? Are her faculties mostly ok and it is mainly her being "difficult" or is there more to the story of her health picture?

My dad has been "difficult" for ages and it came to a head and I pretty much think he hits all the flags for Alzheimer! It's a long process to sort out. So my heart goes out to you even as I hope you aren't dealing with that level of stuff.

GL! :hug:

A.

It's easy enough for those who have never been where you are to say you're whining or that you should appreciate having your Mom or that you should move out and find out what it's REALLY like, but the truth is, they don't get it. They just don't. Unless you've lived through this, you just don't understand not only the mental and emotional drain, but also the physical drain. I highly doubt you are just living there and being a mooch. I'm sure you do more than just take her places on the weekend. The thing is, I've seen this from both sides. And I can tell you, no matter how much I love my Mom, sometimes you just need time for yourself and time with the outside world. It doesn't make you mean or selfish. It doesn't mean that you need to move out and figure out what it's 'really' like. It means you're a normal human being who sometimes needs to do something rather than take care of another adult. There is NOTHING wrong or mean or selfish or any other negative word for that! It is NORMAL!!!!

How do I know both sides? My Grandfather passed away years and years ago. Which left my Granny without anywhere to go. As a result, she moved in with my parents. In the beginning, it was fine and my parents and myself cherished our time with her. I mean, how many little girls (who was actually nearly an adult at that time) get to live with their parents AND their Granny? It was awesome! But as time wore on and her health got worse, the wear and tear on the family got worse and worse. Did we love and respect her less? No. But as I moved out and went on to school and more and more fell on my Mom's shoulders, I saw just how hard it was. The frustration, the guilt, the stress.... it is a lot. Your situation isn't quite so severe yet, but I think people are being harsh on you not understanding what it's like to live it day in and day out. I love my Mom and I love spending time with her. Just like she loved Granny and loved spending time with her. But it takes a toll taking care of others non-stop. That's why being a parent is hard... And that's one thing they never tell you when you are young. That your parents raise you, you grow up, and then one day you wake up and it's like you are more of a parent to them now. It's hard, heartbreaking, stressful, and all those other words.

So, after that long ramble, what is my suggestion? You have a few options. You could ask around and see if there are any family friends, neighbors, or even programs in your neighborhood that help with eldercare. I know you don't want to completely walk away and that's why I say I think the advice to just move out is rough. I just think what you need is HELP. You need just someone who can help out one or two days a week so that every now and again you can have some time for you. And the only way you can do that is by reaching out to your community and finding someone or some group that will be able to give you some guidance, information, and most of all real advice and HELP!

I hope this has helped some. Keep your chin up, enjoy the times that you can, and know that there are ways to make things better. You just have to find those ways and make them work so that not only will your Mom be happy, and you be happy, but your whole family unit will function better and happier. Good luck!!!

Most of the “move out” type comments came from older people. People in their 20s know how hard it is for young people to get their careers going and earn a living wage in this economy. A lot of us who live at home work full time (and then some) and still can’t afford it, even living in a shared apartment with a toolshed used car. It’s a VERY different world from even 5 years ago.

My situation is similar. I turn 26 in August and still live at home. I earned 2 undergraduate degrees. After much stress, pain and heartache looking for real work, I learned I need a masters degree to get the career I want. I work a slightly above minimum wage job which is very related to my career goals. I also attend graduate school. I spend 2-3 days a week up north (with friends) for school and then come home to work. I have no weekend. I work about 35 hours a week and receive loans to pay for school. I buy most of my own food, pay for my car and commuting expenses and still have very little left over. Living at home has been a difficult and humbling experience to say the least (even though I’m not there very much). I used to feel angry when people insinuate that I’m lazy. I know how hard I work and that it's not true. Also that hopefully the end is in sight.

I have had issues with my mother as well. To the point that I decided I don’t want to have a relationship with her once I move out. I learned I need to stay focused on what I am trying to do and not get wrapped up in her drama. I recommend trying to keep busier. I accept that I cannot have ANY down time at home. If I worked 10 hours than watch TV, she comes in and makes comments about my "laziness". Don’t be around when she wants you to do things. Make plans in advance and say you need to be somewhere. Obviously you know your mom better than I do, but if you think a “talk” would be counterproductive, just stop being so available.

You said she has arthritis and is going blind. She is quite young for that, perhaps she is becoming more 'clingy' out of the fear that her life is becoming more and more difficult as her disabilities grow. A lack of independence for her is a very scary prospect, perhaps in her attempts to keep you close, she is going to far. Have you asked her about that.

I have to agree with this. People are saying "move out" like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Times are tough right now and 20 somethings living at home isn't uncommon. We WANT to move out, but we can't. All of my friends are currently living at home and struggling to find work.

I'm 24 and so is my fiance. We are both frustrated and want to get out. I have a supportive family, he doesn't. He went back to school because of low job prospects and I'm in the midst of trying to get a decent wage. There is no way I'd be able to survive on what I make now. I WANT to move out, I want to start my life, but I can't. I feel stuck and I'm sure others in our age group do too. The OP's situation makes it 1000x worse.

Thanks for the last few posters who were supportive. I don't know how it turned into blaming me instead for not paying rent. I consider this my home, my house...and I think my parents feel the same. I guess eventually after they are gone, I will get the house as my mom has said she doesn't want my sister to get it.
I do consider myself lucky to have such supportive parents. I went to college but really didn't get the job that I am probably qualified for. Right out of college I was faced with the problem of having little experience, and no one wants you if you don't have experience. I was lucky to grab a receptionist job which is now full time, but at first I was working only part time (sometimes only 12 hours a week) at a grocery store!!
My mom has access to my checkbook all day (I leave it at home) she even orders stuff from catalogs or whatever and I will write a check to them for her and she will give me the money back even though I don't ask. I could pay rent to them, but I think that might offend them...and dad has said he would have to show that on his income taxes and mess them up.
I am doing alot better than some of my relatives. My sister and her husband have no job (they don't really want one either) instead they are on disability & SSI even though my sister worked while she was living with my parents before marrying him. They have 2 kids and get checks to buy food & clothes for the kids, but really never buy them what they need or take them to the doctors. My one cousin is on her 4th kid and has no job...she doesn't want a job, she just wants to have kids, again to get more money (and foodstamps) for them. She did have jobs before, but she always quit or got fired from them...
So I am trying to do what I can! And I guess I just wanted to have more fun this summer and go different places and my mom wouldn't want to go to those places-like the zoo, walking/hiking, gym classes ect. that I never did before but since I would be doing those over the weekend, they would overlap when she wanted to do things...and I wanted ideas on how to tell her I want space without upsetting her or hurting her feelings.