Awkward situation :/
 

I'm not trying to start a religious debate here or anything, I'm just trying to figure out what to do in this situation.

Over the years, I have decided that I no longer want to identify with the Christian faith. I don't necessarily debunk the idea of a God-like figure; I just don't agree with organized religion at all. Because of this, I no longer go to church unless my parents make me (special occasions what not), and I'm definitely only going to please them and to save face. If it weren't for them and the rest of my family that also goes to church, I wouldn't go at all. I just don't feel right there -- I feel like I'm faking, putting up a front, and I really just don't feel like I belong in there. I don't feel like I should have to feel like this when I go somewhere, thus my limited trips to church.

However, that being said, that doesn't mean I don't have a problem with the people IN the church. I like them, I just don't partake in the activity that brings them all together. The point of all of this is that they want me to join the choir, and I don't want to for the reasons stated above. I don't want to tell them this, though, because I don't want to offend anyone. My dad (and other family members) that don't know my religious beliefs (really the only one who really knows is my brother and my mom) keep encouraging me to do it, and feel like I really have no reason not to. And as far as they know, I don't. But I don't know what to do. The choir really needs new members, and I feel like I'm being selfish by not helping them, but I really just don't feel like I belong in the church and I don't want to have to fake my religious beliefs simply to please someone else.

I don't know how to approach this situation, and I get tired of trying to come up with some excuse as to why I don't participate/go to church. I feel like I should be able to keep my beliefs personal, but I feel guilty about lying to people, too. What would y'all do in this situation?

Do you still live at home with your parents? If not, then it's easy to make up excuses about work and time. Will your father have a fit with what you believe now? Are you able to talk with him about topics like this without hurting feelings or having it blow up into a big arguement?

I have similiar feelings as you. I belonged to a church because my dh did before we met. They were really nice people and helped him a ton when he was in school. But their believes were just off the wall. It wasn't a traditional church. I only went because of dh, to save face. I faked it for years. DH got busy with work and slowly stopped going so I was able to stop too. And when asked I told them what I felt and well, that was the end of that.

Do you enjoy singing? Do you want to socialize with the people? You don't have to believe the exact way they do to atttend if you enjoy their company.

What ever you decide to do, be prepared to lose the majority of your friends who attend the church-if you socialize with them outside of church.

I know I'll never tell my parents my believes . They would spend way too much time dwelling on where they had gone wrong raising me.


Good luck

Definitely don't feel that by not sharing your beliefs you're lying.
I would simply say, 'It's not for me right now, but thank you for offering.' And leave it at that. If they push, then simply repeat with a smile. Beyond that they're the ones being rude and end the conversation.

Now, for your family, it may just come to a point where you say, 'Hey, I am just not going to go to church anymore for the time being.' It's hard to feel like you may be letting family down, especially parents. I have done lots of things for the sake of not feeling guilty, but truly the better road is being true to yourself.
And those that love you need and should at minimum respect that it's your decision to make, whether they are happy with it or not, and shouldn't affect the mutual love you have for one another. If it does, again their problem, not yours.

Best of luck, awkward situations are never fun! :dizzy:

You say "Oh, that sounds nice. But I'm not ready to commit to something like that yet with my volunteer time."

There. End of story. Anyone pushing you further you can ask them "Why are you pushing me to volunteer in areas where I'm not ready? That is rude. "

It's normal to question your beliefs. It's part of your spiritual development. Look up the Fowler chart. Here's just some examples of it.

http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/html/fowler.htm

http://www.usefulcharts.com/psycholo...-of-faith.html

Whether you stay in the faith of your childhood but come back to it as an adult person with greater understanding or move to explore other things/paths doesn't much matter -- what matters is that you take the time to sort out how YOU feel as a young adult.

Try the Belief.net quiz to see where you currently are at.

http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainme...iefOMatic.aspx

And try not to stress too much.

Just view it like visiting a friend's church when you are invited to weddings and things. You don't have to be a church member there to be happy for your friend and their shindig, right? Showing up for Christmas pageants to be together with the family at your parent's church can be like that. That doesn't mean you are lying to anyone -- you are a visiting guest. That's all. If you lived across the country and came home to visit for holidays you'd go their church maybe for holiday service but it isn't YOUR church necessarily. Right?

You are a grown up person -- you decide what you believe, you decide what you do and do not participate in. Plain and simple.

Try to stick up for yourself a bit more and stop trying to please all people but yourself. It's ok to want a little space to think about how you want to spend your time and it's ok to want to a little space to think about your adult belief system vs that of childhood. We ALL go through this.

I actually just up and told Mom I was not going to do Confirmation in our Catholic Church because I did not share in these beliefs. And she was baffled, but didn't make me. She didn't know how to help me find what I was looking for at 15 but I eventually settled in with Unitarian Universalism in my mid 20's.

Just be honest about your need to take a break. You have to live your own life.

A.

I do live with my parents, and my dad is a bit of a hard-nose when it comes to this kind of stuff. The church people are just people I know and that I speak with when I am at church -- I don't associate with them outside of church. My grandpa was the first one that started asking me to join, and it was easy to put him off, but today I actually received a phone call from a lady at church today asking me to join, and for some reason that makes it more awkward than when it was just my grandpa. She's actually an old friend of the family, and everyone in the church thinks highly of me and what-not, and like I said, I don't have a problem with them so I don't want them to feel like I'm turning my nose up to them. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much into this.

I think you are.

Just politely decline. "Oh, it's lovely to be wanted, and I have the utmost respect for the Church, but I'm not ready to make that kind of commitment and become a full fledged member at this time. "

There. Done.

A.

I have a similar situation with my parents. I don't live with them, but I live near them. It's been slightly awkward at times but I'm surprised at how respectful everyone has been.

You're an adult, right? It's perfectly reasonable for you to be able to make this decision for yourself. It's reasonable for them to feel sad about it, too. I have to be sensitive to my parent's feelings at times. I know they're upset about my choices. Just because I don't agree with them doesn't mean I am allowed to be insensitive to their feelings about it. So, if they invite me to church, I go sometimes. It doesn't kill me. I count it as family time and enjoy being with them. Sometimes I decline. Just say "No thanks, I have other things to do today." No explanation neccessary.

This is YOUR life. It's ok to make your own choices :).

As a Christian I am not concerned at all by whether you want or don't want to sing in the choir. The choir will be fine with or w/o you...

I am concerned through why you feel you don't belong...

there is definitely something wrong there!

Is it the teaching of the church, is it not understanding the work of Christ?

These are what bothers me and I wish you enjoyed your church as much as I do mine.

PM me if you ever want to discuss this kiddo...Big Hug

PS~ Churches always ask people to help...no problem for one to decline the invite! No need to feel bad about it.

Personally I really dislike when people hide important parts of themselves like their religious faith. I think you should just tell you family what you believe and maybe the church people too.

I think you should stay true to your own beliefs and you shouldn't partake in something that makes you feel uncomfortable. It's your decision to make and in my opinion there is nothing wrong with just telling your father that you don't relate to Christianity. However, I understand that living in a community that puts so much emphasis on religious beliefs can make it a bit difficult to go public with such a matter. I'm not a religious person myself, but fortunately my family is pretty open when it comes to this and believes that each person is free to make their own choices, they have never forced any kind of belief on me.

You could tell your father that you are at a point in your life where you do not want to get involved in any type of social activity and you would much rather focus on career opportunities.

Actually, the last thing I'd recommend is tell people what you think, especially while living with your parents. You may endure undue harassment.

What you going through is perfectly normal and you are not alone. Humans are generally social beings and seek out community. For many people, they find community through church. Over the years, I've heard many stories of people who are involved (sometimes quite heavily) in a church community although they don't believe in the teachings of the church. Recently, I read a story about a woman who teaches at Christian based summer camps for kids but said she herself was athiest and has been so for many years (not a fact she shared with the camps). She decided to stop teaching at the camps because she just couldn't do it anymore but despite the differences in beliefs, she enjoyed the work itself.

There are also alternatives as well. I don't know much about it and it never really attracted me but many people I've talked to who used to be Christian (or still have some lingering Christian beliefs) seem to like the Unitarians:
http://www.uua.org/

I also have a friend who is heavily involved in a LGBT friendly church. She says that it is Christian based but she said it is an open, friendly environment that lacks the judgmental views she found in traditional churches.

Lastly, you don't need a religion to find community. There are opportunities in various places. Yoga classes? Karate? Kick boxing? Even taking classes at a local community college (if you currently aren't in college) or looking for classes which may be offered by your city/county recreational department. Get involved in volunteering?

As for me, I desperately wanted to 'belong' to a religion when I was in the 17-20 range. I had enjoyed the community aspects but realized that I didn't believe the things that the various (Christian-based) religions taught. I didn't think this was a big deal at first but then I realized I just couldn't do it. It didn't make sense to me.

At the point in life where I decided that I'd part ways with organized religion, I was going to college and living in a dorm. I told my roommate that although I held beliefs in a God, I didn't believe in organized religion nor many of the beliefs that Christianity taught. Telling her was one of the worst mistakes I ever did. At this point, she started organizing bible studies and prayer groups in our dorm room. She would constantly tell me that she was praying that I would 'turn from my evil ways'. She told everyone she knew with similar beliefs and they started to say similar things to me. What was once a friendly, welcoming environment became a hostile environment. I also went to a really small school at the time too so the same people that I would go to oncampus church services with were the same people I'd see regularly. I ended up spending time in dorm rooms of my friends who could care less what I believed or didn't believe and developed better friendships with them. The overall result though is that I am happier with accepting that I have my own beliefs and I'm not trying to fit a square peg (me) into a round hole (religion).

I will also say that 15-20 years later, I've explored my own spirituality and you are free to do so. Your beliefs may change and fluctuate over the years but do what feels natural. My husband, who was raised without religion, has an interest in Buddhist thought and enjoys reading various books about different kinds of spirituality. So these aren't things you have to give up thinking about if you don't want to.

I have worked in several chiors and "worship teams" over the years in many different capacities. As a Chior director, I would hope that all of my members were happy and willing to be there. No one is perfect and everyone has thier issues, but I would hope they would love what they were doing and be willing to serve.

If you do not want to do it, politely decline and find a place were you do fit.

I agree with the above poster ^^^
If your heart's not in it, you shouldn't do it. Just tell them that you can't make the commitment right now.

Over the years, I have decided that I no longer want to identify with the Christian faith. I don't necessarily debunk the idea of a God-like figure; I just don't agree with organized religion at all.

Hi. Don't mistake organized religion - which is man-made - with the teachings of Jesus Christ. I see lots of discrepancies between Christ's teachings of love and forgiveness and the more esoteric interpretations of His teachings and what I hear from some folks who profess to be Christians :(.

Having said that, don't feel you have to please others. Just tell them no thanks, not now. I do hope you find some group that makes you feel welcome and comfortable, because that's nice to have...

re:
 

I had some similar things happen to me when I was in my teens/20's and lived at home for awhile.

When I was at home I went to church every Sunday, sang, Sunday School etc. etc. I never really wanted to go, but I went. I enjoyed myself while I was there, but not because of religious aspects, just going out and seeing people was nice.

I never felt like my mom - who is a devout Christian. I don't go to church now and my son was never baptized. I don't have strong feelings about it at all - it's like a non issue to me.

Would I ever discuss that with my mom? NEVER. (and I'm 42.) It would break her heart to know I didn't believe - or it was something she did wrong as other people had said. I have thought about getting my son baptized for her as she is in incredible dismay about it and it doesn't bother me either way. (we live in different states now so easier said than done.)

Bottom line is, in my opinion, I wouldn't tell them anything. While you're at home, I'd still go to church. I'd tell them you don't want to do choir, but if they really pushed it, I would. Religion and family is something you just don't want to mess with.

When you finally get to move out, you won't need to do any of those things.

Exactly, there are a lot of Christians who call them selves that but are not Christ like.

I can understand, I wouldn't be comfortable either. I wasn't raised with any religion which has been really wonderful for me. However I can understand as many of my friends are in the same situation as you are.

To be honest I'm not sure what you should do. If it's not possible to be honest with your family about your feelings (which is a real shame) then I guess your option is to politely decline and maybe tell them that you're not comfortable with singing/not something you enjoy. Not really sure what else you can do other than to make up something else or start doing something at the same time the choir would meet.

I occasionally have to go to church and that's ok, I don't make a big deal about it. However because I didn't grow up regularly going (except those times the Catholic school made me go, after they told me I was going to ****) I find the experience bizarre. Like during the prayers I'll sit there peacefully, but I will not kneel.

Good luck with whatever you do and I hope your family will accept your (lack of) beliefs. :)

If you don't want to join the choir -- then don't! Just politely decline like you would if they asked you to join any other club you are not interested in. It isn't necessary to lie either. Just say, "Thanks for asking me, but I'm not interested in that activity."

If your father and grandfather bring it up; just give them the same answer -- which is the truth. :D

Complicated situation, more so since you are still at home. Not sure what will be the best way to handle it since you definitely don't want to rock the boat with your family. You've gotten lots of good advice here.

I can relate. I don't feel like I belong in a church either. I have always been very respectful of our religious family members and friends, but it doesn't fit with my beliefs. I actually feel as though attending church under false pretenses would be almost disrespectful to the church, I mean this only for myself, not for you. For you, it's a matter of keeping the peace and still being respectful to your family. As long as you are respectful of how they feel I should hope they would do the same for you. But then again, they may just be insulted.

Can you just keep doing what your doing and talk your way out of the choir thing? Maybe tell them it's more of a commitment than you want to take on right now. Unless you really feel like it's okay for you and it's not a big deal....

My own faith is very imperfect. I strongly identify with Thomas (in fact, I think I'm probably a much bigger doubter, because I'm not sure I would have found it so easy to believe even after touching the actual wounds of Christ).

I also am having problems (currently) with finding a church home. We're no longer comfortable with our former church (long story, and it could easily be used as justification for the belief that organized religion is corrupt - but it's not religion so much as people). Churches are made up of people and people do, feel, and think all sorts of crazy, mixed up things.

If you're just unsure of what you actually believe, or have difficulty believing or relating to others in the church, or even if you disagree with the church on some really big issues, doesn't mean you have to give up being Christian or give up going to church.

To be completely honest, there are days when I "feel" like an agnostic, or even an atheist, but most of the time I don't trust those feelings. I've experienced a few miracles in my life, and coincidence does not seem like the most likely explanation.

I've always liked the quote, "Churches are not museums for saints, but hospitals for sinners." Of course churches become jaded, twisted, and even corrupt - because they're made up of imperfect (sometimes super imperfect) people.

Not everyone who believes themselves to be a Christian, actually is. And some of what we're taught (or what we learned from the teachings) might even be pretty far from what God intended us to learn.

I think there's plenty of room in churches for us doubters and questioners. We don't have to "know" what's right, we just have to be willing to try to be open to learning it.

I'm not sure if my messed up faith (because sometimes my belief is very weak) is the kind of faith that the church teaches is necessary for salvation. I hope that it is, and I'm doing the best I can (well that's not true. I know I could do better).

If you're in the "uncertain" or even fully agnostic (or even atheistic with an openness to the possibility that you could be wrong), I don't think there's anything wrong or duplicitous about participating in church and church activities. You don't have any obligation to disclose the extent of and specific difficulties-of-belief with everyone in the church (though it might help to discuss with a sympathetic pastor or Christian counselor).

It's not hypocritical to be unsure of what (or even if) you believe.

It is true that not everyone goes to church or gets involved in church activities for the "right," reasons. There are some who go because they want to be seen in a certain way. There are some who go because they've been badgered into it. Ther are some who go because they've always gone and it's a habit or ritual more than a meaningful celebration or communion with others. Some go because they want their lives to be better for selfish reasons.

And all of those reasons I just mentioned, don't even necessarily make the person a hypocrite or a bad- or non- Christian. Even when a person is trying to have as pure of a motive as they are able, hidden agendas creep in.

I'm not suggesting that you participate in the church choir or in any other church activity or membership if you do not want to, but if you DO want to, then imperfect faith doesn't have to be a stumbling block.

If you feel as though "everyone else" has or believes something you don't, I think you'ld be surprised. A lot of Christians, especially in the modern world do struggle with belief. Not only whether they believe, but even what they believe.

I'm not suggesting that you act in a way you find hypocritical, just pointing out that ambiguous and mixed feelings aren't necessarily hypocricy.

I'll also mention that these people know I was in my school's choir -- they know I sing, which makes it worse, lol. Like seriously, for their purposes, there is no reason why I shouldn't join. The only reason for me not joining is because I feel kinda like what Gogirl008 said, by being in there under false pretenses, I feel not only as if I don't belong, but as if I'm disrespecting the people who are actually there because they actually do believe in what is being taught there.

I don't know; I'm probably not going to join. I still feel kinda guilty though. =/

Not every church is the right fit for YOU. Even if they are in the same denomination. They each have their own vibe/sub culture depending on the size/type it is. A pastoral church is a different vibe than a mega church for instance.

Did you consider that so you can let go of some of this guilt thing?

Don't participate, be ok with that. The church isn't going to end just because you aren't in the choir right now. :)

If your family/town life is such that you cannot voice your own belief system and feel safe, find a way to have an out.

For example -- "Oh, I don't mind coming once in a while, Dad. Just not all the time. I'm in my young adult phase."

A.

I would just be honest. I am completely agnostic coming from a strict roman catholic family. Not easy.. with my parents I'm really direct, it's not my beliefs and it's not in my interests to support a church. They know I wouldn't be caught dead in church other than a family event - baptism, wedding, funeral... (even then it is a really uncomfortable place for me to be.) Does not stop my father from telling me I should go to church every time I talk to him but, w.e.

I've always been upfront about my beliefs... from the age of 8 lol, so maybe my opinion is skewed since I am seeing a lot of don't rock the boat advice. I would never discuss it with other family members, it would be an embarrassment to my parents and it's just not necessary as they don't have to know and I wouldn't want to hear what they had to say if they did! IDK, I want my parents to know who I am and they still love me even though we don't agree.

Have you read the book The Shack? That summed everything up for me.

I come from a devout Catholic family. I lOVED my church. Then I moved. I can't stand the church near me. The one far away is totally cool, but driving 25 miles to get there is a pain.

Here's what I do: I pray. Every day. All the time. I am HUGE into my faith, just not religion.

I think that's OK.

Politely decline. Let it go. God knows where your heart is. He didn't invent religion. He is a guidance that you obviously respect.

Lots of great advise.

I am an agnostic person who grew up in a very religious home. Funny thing; my "adult" friends think I knew nothing of Bible...we played a game as couples and I kicked arse in that category...hehe

Anycase, you may live with your parents but you are an adult. Say say no thanks, with a smile (I rather go drinking and bar hopping thoughts in your head)

I come from a family full of atheists and was raised that way... and am now a Christian (became one 3 years ago). Although I thought being honest was the best policy I get ridiculed by my family all the time. I dont talk about my beliefs with them because once I told them I was going to church they taunted me with disrespectful comments. If I still lived at home I don't know what would happen, but Ive been married 3 years and out of the house longer. I still visit them and spend time with them but I keep those parts of my life separate.

I am a singer and I don't want to join the choir at my church. I am a music teacher so I got asked all the time. I finally told the music director it wasn't the right fit for me, and she told the choir director to back off a bit.

I hope it all works out!

Since you've already sung in a choir,you can just tell them that you're burnt out and not in the mood to sing at the moment.After being in the school choir for church,and then not getting the option of choir my freshman year of high school...I was so glad when I didn't have to go out for choir my sophmore year.You don't even have to mention anything about religion or how your beliefs have changed.

I think it is entirely possible to avoid the "your personal beliefs" question in regards to this specific dilemma and just politely yet firmly state you have something else to do/don't care to sing in the choir.

I also don't think you're disrespecting anyone by electing to sing in the church choir. Plenty of people in any given church/mosque/synagogue/temple are just there because they want to believe or because they want to make someone they love happy.

I think you should do whatever feels best for YOU! If you feel uncomfortable, you are allowed to say no! Like the other ladies have said, kindly decline (if that's what you decide to do) and thank them for the offer.
I can definitely relate to you, as my Dad's side of the family are devout baptist, and I was raised United. Once I hit my teens I began to question the whole aspect of religion. Luckily, my parents are very open and encourage my sister and I to make choices for us. My dad's favorite line is "Take care of number 1", meaning to look out for yourself first. That being said, I would never tell my Oma about my beliefs as I think it would send her into a tizzy!
Good Luck!!

I have been in your situation. My parents are quite active in their church. My mom ALWAYS pesters me to go to church with them although they live 45mins away from my house and their church is another 20-30 mins away for their house. And my mom would beg and beg for me to go to church with them, but it was not for me.. it was for her to show off her "perfect family" to others at church.

I stood firm and said no... eventually she got the message and leaves me alone for the most part. She still pesters me sometime, but she shuts up when I say no.

I think you're old enough to make your own decisions - about the choir, the church, your own personal beliefs. I also think that you are doing yourself a terrible disservice by not being honest. I believe a person who does things just to please other people & not cause "hurt feelings" is denying their core; their very own soul. Being who you are is the catalyst to living your own life - happily! - without regret, without shame, without explanation.

Why do you find it so difficult to be who you are?

I'm really not trying to be a "Debbie downer" with this one, but this is a really good question that no one has ever asked me before. I think it's because all of my life SOMEONE has had a problem with me; the kids at school didn't like me cause I was fat, my grandma has always been trying to do things to change me, my dad always complains that I'm "different", people have always lied to me, forgotten about me, etcetcetc. In the circle of life, I've always felt unimportant because everyone else didn't seem to think I was very important. No one ever seemed to like who I was, so I never showed it, even though I knew deep down that there was no good reason for people to not like me/I was probably overreacting most of the time.

Also, right now, because I DO live with my parents, I kinda do have to hide my true self at least a little bit because I don't want to bite the hand that's feeding me. I'm sure things will be a lot different once I can get my own place and can live by my own rules and lifestyle.

Don't make excuses, just tell them what you believe and don't be afraid. Anyway each of us has own religious belief. You don't have to pretend just to please others.

Seems to me that this is just a natural part of becoming independant. You're still trying to find your footing and trying to be respectful of your parents and what they want for you while being true to yourself. Obviously, you are a great girl who just wants to make the right choice. :hug:

Again, I know how hard it is to break from a religion. My catholic family was accepting of my decision but it was something implied, not stated. I don't think you have to state your beliefs or non-beliefs. Eventually, they'll get it. By stating something specifically, they may think that means that it is open to discussion or argument.

There is a reason we don't allow religion as a topic on this website other than its use in support of weight loss efforts within the faith-based subforum, it is because it is one of the easiest way to have heated arguments and hurt feelings. The same is true outside of this forum.

I hate situations like these :C