I have a wonderful friend, we met about 7 years ago in college. She was close to 400 pounds when we met, and about 6 months later had gastric bypass and lost 200 pounds (give or take). She's been maintaining in a 20 pound window for the last couple years but isn't happy at this weight.
We've always been great support to each other for weight loss. About the time we became friends I was in the midst of losing weight (went from 193 to 143), we worked out together and were in constant contact checking in. It was so great having someone like that in my life!!! We motivated each other big time.
In the years since then she's seen me gain all my weight back, have 2 kids, and now start to lose again (from a higher weight). She was thrilled when I decided to lose weight again so I could "get into it" with her again. She's not into it right now though, which is perfectly fine with me!!! BUT...
She told me 2 months ago she wants me to update her with my progress as I lose weight, tell her about my workouts, etc, as to motivate her. So I do, I'm happy to! That progressed into her asking if I could "check up" on her daily. I'm happy to do that to, except this is how it goes:
Monday - text sent, she replies she's doing great!
Tuesday - text sent, she replies she's not doing so great.
Wednesday - text sent, no reply
Thursday - text sent, no reply
Friday - text sent, no reply
Saturday and Sunday I just don't text at all
Sunday night - text received "why didn't you text me!? I did awful! I really needed you!"
This has been happening for WEEKS! I feel like she's blaming me for her going off plan. She complains constantly that she's not losing weight, has a million excuses why she can't stay on plan, and on and on.
If she doesn't want to lose weight it doesn't matter to me. I love her and just want her to be happy. But this blaming me is driving me nuts. I don't want to hurt her feelings and make her feel even worse about not losing weight, but I also don't want to do this anymore unless/until she's actually ready and willing to try. Otherwise I'm just happy texting her about life stuff.
Everytime I start getting the nerve to send a simply reply "look I am happy to help, but you aren't putting in any effort and yet I'm being blamed" I chicken out because I know she's a really sensitive person and I'm afraid I'll totally ruin our friendship.
How do I bring this up and tell her I feel like I'm being blamed for her lack of weight loss!?
I'm a person who is horrible about replies to various forms of communication. I would have a talk with her and just let her know that if she is struggling, she can talk to you. Obviously if she is struggling, she may still want to hear from you but may not want to admit that she is struggling. I would let her know what you need (text back? email? something) and ask her what she needs. Even if she isn't doing great, maybe ask her to text you 1 positive thing she has done for herself that day or something.
Toughie! And I completely get the sensitivity of it and worrying about it affecting your friendship.
Sounds like she may be in a place like I was time and time again over the years... I would THINK about losing, I would swear up and down I wanted to, I would buy exercise videos, join WW online, make a spreadsheet on the computer, start a facebook group among friends to be accountable, etc... everything PREPARING to lose... but when it came time to actually eating less and moving more I justified why I couldn't and made excuses for myself left and right.
Anyway, just completely guessing, where she might be, but that puts a lot of pressure on you and like you said, you are not to blame for her lack of success.
I would nicely turn it around and suggest that she text YOU daily instead of vice versa.. Put the ball in her court. Just something casual like, 'Hey, why don't you just text me whenever you can throughout the day and let me know how it's going or what I can do to help?' That way she has to take the initiative to text and talk about weightloss. Either she'll step up and follow through or the texts will fade. Either way it takes the pressure off you.
I have definitely learned that weightloss is right up there will all the other issues, where you can't help the person that doesn't want to help themselves.
So that's my best suggestion, having her initiate conversations.
"I'm sorry to let you down but I can't be doing this daily text thing. I'm finding this challenging to fit into my life with the kids and all. I tried it but it's not working out for me and I won't be a reliable text pal for you. You may need to find a different friend to be the daily texter person. I can still be supportive though. Maybe we could just check in once in a while and less structured? Like once a month over the phone you call me rather than text? (or however you prefer to suggest to her -- something YOU can live with.)"
And then let it go. She's got to own her process -- you can't be her babysitter via text.
I would nicely turn it around and suggest that she text YOU daily instead of vice versa.. Put the ball in her court. Just something casual like, 'Hey, why don't you just text me whenever you can throughout the day and let me know how it's going or what I can do to help?' That way she has to take the initiative to text and talk about weightloss. Either she'll step up and follow through or the texts will fade. Either way it takes the pressure off you.
I might also gently add, "Oh, I thought you weren't getting my texts when I didn't hear back from you so I stopped texting. You know, any time you're struggling, I'm just a text away- if you really need me, don't be afraid to call."
My bff and I text every day to keep each other going. But there are lots of times that one of us is off track. We just remind eachother to ride the wave the next time it hits. We can't be "ON" all the time at the same time. When she's doing great, I say "way to go! I'm having a tough day." and evenually I get on track and vice versa. We can't always be in sync but we try to keep eachother motivated even when one of us isn't.
Thanks everyone! I think I'll use a combo of the suggestions including the "kid out", IDK why I didn't think of that!! And you know, it's partially true, because the weekends my DH works and the kids keep me very busy!
Make an excuse and say that this isn't working for you without being blaming. Maybe say it's too time consuming or whatever. You have the same amount to lose as me and I would be happy to be your buddy.
Friend Advice Needed
