I think you should just tell her that you want to spend time with her and that you've noticed she's cut down on time with you and your children and ask her if anything is troubling her? I would refrain from saying that she's putting other activities first because she might feel that you are blaming her, even if you know that she needs to enjoy herself and have her own activities.

I don't think you should feel bad for feeling the way you're feeling. Clearly, you are used to her taking a greater part in your life and so it's absolutely normal for you to feel shut out.

So cheer up, I'm sure everything will be back to normal after your conversation! :D

Are you feeling a little bit abandoned?

It won't always be this way. I think you're experiencing a natural readjustment in the relationship. Maybe you need her less as a consultant as you are now quite good at mothering yourself.

My experience has been that my relationship with my mother has evolved over the years. She & I have been been very close during some periods, and very remote during others. This has never been due to any estrangement or any explosive argument, it just seems that our relationship moved through different phases, as we each dealt with different conditions in our lives.

During early 2008, we were going through a rather remote phase, with her and my father enjoying their retirement, and me being a workaholic, working on my weight loss & health & living a five-hour drive away. Then my father was diagnosed with cancer & given just a few months to live. After that we conferred daily, or many times daily, and after a while, I took a leave from my job to live with my parents & be with them as long as I could.

After my father died, my mother & I grew closer, as we seemed to cling to each other to get through the days. Also, through a cruel twist of fate, my mother received a breast cancer diagnosis just two days after my father's funeral. And I couldn't stay there & be with her -- I had used up all my leave for my father's illness. My mother & I were in constant communication. I worried about her. Also she was adapting to living alone & it was very tough for her. I felt exhausted from the responsibility & wished very much that she spent more time with her friends and that she had other interests. But she'd had to adapt to my father's illness & become a caregiver & after that storm passed, it seemed to have swept away her whole life & she couldn't seem to remember her old routines or way of living. She had to invent a whole new routine while also battling the cancer.

I am very proud of her now because she has reconnected with a whole web of other friends, mostly female -- there are a lot of widows out there among her contemporaries, unfortunately -- and she gets up every day with a mission. (Oh, and I forgot to add, she's been cancer-free for three years now.)

She also came through for me in a very big way during another crisis: I lost my home at the end of last summer. My mother came down to where I live with a minivan & helped with the salvage & has spent nearly every day since helping with cleaning, acquiring, repairing, arranging for the restoration of my belongings. Also, since I had nowhere to live, I moved in with my mother again temporarily. We have both definitely felt how important it is to give the other some space and privacy but also to spend some time together doing something fun now & then.

I have learned from this that there are cycles of intimacy in relationships; that being less in touch than in previous time does not mean the relationship has weakened; that change happens very fast sometimes, that despite any distance, or lack of recent communication, if necessary, we are able to come together & connect very closely, particularly in a crisis. But also, despite this great love, we can still get on each others' nerves and bicker constantly. We are two very different people with different interests and opinions.

Maybe you need to think about setting up some play dates with your mother, for just the two of you to enjoy something together. That was what I learned during our recent stressful period: Our mutual worrying sometimes leads us to lash out at each other. The atmosphere becomes far less fraught when we do something fun together out in the larger world.

Seriously, from my own experience, what you'd want even less than estrangement is your mother becoming depressed, retiring from the world, rarely leaving the house, but on the phone with you constantly, pouring all her needs onto you, so that you feel as if you constitute her world. Given the choice of that, or a mother who's so busy and independent that she can seem a little distracted or remote at times, I'd take the latter. Because I know s&%$# happens, and if it does, your mother would not remain a stranger from you for very long. She'd be there for you.

It was very kind and generous of your Mother to have the kiddies stay over a couple of times a month. Some grandparents never do that, or only the ones that are living close to them, occasionally. Some parents do a lot for the first grandchildren, then as more come along; not as much. In this case though, I think having the kids over is a separate issue from spending time with you.

The golfing and helping out at church are also separate issues that have nothing to do with you, IMHO. The golfing is just a social activity she enjoys; so there's nothing wrong with that. Her church involvement is a spiritual & social matter; and again, not related to her relationship with you & your children.

However, there is nothing stopping you from calling your Mother up and asking her to go out to lunch with you. In fact, since you want to spend more time with her, make a point of it; but if she declines, I wouldn't take it personal -- instead, explain that you miss spending time with her, and ask for a rain check.

And, when you do see her, tell her how much you miss your special times together (shopping, lunching, chatting). You could also invite her for Sunday dinner once a month and on holidays, so that she can spend more time with the whole family.

Talking to her about all this is very important because she may just be rearranging her priorities & lifestyle at this time, and the reasons for that may not have anything to do with you at all. :D

Thank you all for your responses. I'm taking the time to mull everything over and give myself time to adjust to some of the natural changes in our relationship. I'll reevaluate how I feel in a few months and whether I feel a heart-to-heart is needed.