My relationship with my mom...
 

I just need a place to put this all in writing as the situation is upsetting me while I'm at work...

My mom's had a habit of keeping my children one night a week maybe every other weekend or so at her prompting, not mine. We'll drop them off about 7 in the evening and get them around 8-9 the next morning. We have been extremely grateful to have this time to ourselves, understanding many parents don't have this luxury. More and more lately, she hasn't been able to keep them. It's been bothering me but I couldn't figure out why and I didn't put much thought into it. DH and I don't really do much on our nights without the kids so it's not like it makes a huge difference when she doesn't keep them.

Today I realized she will rearrange her life and social commitments to play golf or help almost strangers in her church or any member of her church really. I'm happy she has a hobby she loves and feels needed by her church community. But, this has caused her to set aside her family. We live five minutes away from each other and she'll see the kids maybe twice a month. She used to go shopping or our to lunch with me a few times a month but that's come to a stop as well. I only see her when I drop off the kids if they're staying at her house.

I just feel cast aside or replaced but guilty and selfish for thinking it at the same time. Maybe this is a natural part of when an adult becomes semi-retired? I don't really know what to feel as I don't want her to stop doing anything that makes her happy and would never even consider asking her to but at the same time I wish my kids and I even registered on her list of importance. I don't mean to make her seem like a bad person either, I guess I just needed a neutral place to vent and get it all out. :(

I think it is wonderful that your Mom as activities that she can enjoy . She has earned the right to enjoy retirement. Don't forget some parents are not healthy enough or have the means to enjoy retirement. How many years did she spend taking care of babies, staying up at night when they were ill, making sure they were fed and clothed ? I am talking about her children , not yours. I am sure she enjoys her grandchildren but she should be able to do as she wants at this time of her life.

Honestly, it's not her job to watch your children. I wish my mother lived close enough to see, but she lives 12 000 miles away. So I think you should consider yourself blessed you have your mother close by at all.

It's not that she's not watching my children, I've told her if we had something to do we could pay for a babysitter, which she's balked at. As I stated, I am extremely grateful she's offered. It's more that it seems makes golf and everyone a priority over even seeing her family, even for a prepared lunch at our house. Not keeping my children was just what got me thinking about the deeper issues.

Have you sat down with her and openly expressed your feelings? If not I suggest doing so.

If she enjoys golf, good for her. Some people at her age cannot walk around a golf course. I think it is great that you have such a healthy, vibrant Mom. I am sure she still loves her family but she has earned the right to do as she pleases.

Muffintop :hug: I can relate. My mom retired and got married at the same time! One of my very best girlfriends was now unavailable most of the time I wanted to play/shop/meet for lunch/whatever. It's REALLY hard when somebody changes the rules in the middle of the game. I felt cast aside too, and she spent way less time with my daughters (her only grandkids) than ever before.

It's been almost 15 years and while I'm very grateful she's enjoying her life there are still days I wish there was a little more room for me in it. I miss the way things used to be.

I have no words of wisdom for you, only the acknowledgement that you're not alone in feeling this way.

I do feel for you. I see how you have said you haven't been the one to ask...she even balked when you said you'd pay for a babysitter. I see your not mad at her, I get it.

I think it's great that your mom has a life! Maybe you should talk to her as I am sure she is not doing things to be mean or exclude but rather to have a life and do stuff for her. For soooo many years I have put my kids/husband/grandkids before myself I never really had a life and now it is my time to live. I am putting myself first and thinking about me! Why shouldn't parents have a life after their kids are grown and gone? There's no law that says grandparents HAVE to watch their kids or see them weekly or monthly. Shoot, some only see their grandkids at holidays and birthdays.

My DIL from day one has expected me to be at her beck and call to do for her and the kids when she wants, of course she found out it doesn't work that way, not with me. I do watch my grandbaby while she works and like today I went to my older granddaughters Field Day at school-sister to the grandbaby I watch-and I see my kids a few times a week, sometimes only a few times a month...it depends on what I am doing and if I am not busy. They know where I am and I know where they are so...

I would definitely suggest talking to your mother about this, I am sure she is not trying to hurt your feelings or exclude you.

Don't feel bad my Mother is gone and my Father lives one floor above me in the same building and has very little to do with me because his wife hates me. :(

Just have a talk with her in regards to how you feel but I'm sure she's just enjoying her retirement, don't take it personal.

It's wonderful that your mom has hobbies, but at the same time I see nothing wrong in you telling her you'd like to spend some time together. Why don't you take the initiative and invite her out for a cup of tea, or just a walk in the park? Nothing wrong can come out of that. Your relationship with your mother is extremely important, so it's important to tell her that while you're happy that she's living her life and doing things she truly enjoys, you'd love to see her more often.

I think that you ARE on her list of important people. But you have a life of your own, and I think she is just trying to explore her options to find a fulfilling life of her own so you doesn't have to live vicariously through you :) lol

Sit down and talk with her. Tell her you miss her and you wished that you could spend more time with her. That may be all it takes to get back into her loop of social activities. She may not even realize that you are feeling this way. I always recommend airing out feelings instead of bottling them up or waiting to see how things play out. Life is short. You miss your mom. So, spend time with her!

Good luck :)

My mother put her life into work and raising two kids with a deadbeat dad, when she retired, she started filling her days. When my grandson was born, she actually took her off day to watch him one day a week.

I think its great your Mom has a life, and that she takes time to keep your kids one night a week. I agree with the other posters, talk to her, arrange to have a lunch with her once a week or once every two weeks.

I lost my Mom to cancer and I miss her every day, dont let your hurt feelings keep you from enjoying whatever time you have with her.

Do you offer to treat her to lunch (without the kids)? Make sure she knows you want to spend time with HER, not just use her for babysitting? I agree with those who say she did her time with regards to putting herself second. Just make it clear you want a relationship with her, not just for what she can provide.

I think you should just tell her that you want to spend time with her and that you've noticed she's cut down on time with you and your children and ask her if anything is troubling her? I would refrain from saying that she's putting other activities first because she might feel that you are blaming her, even if you know that she needs to enjoy herself and have her own activities.

I don't think you should feel bad for feeling the way you're feeling. Clearly, you are used to her taking a greater part in your life and so it's absolutely normal for you to feel shut out.

So cheer up, I'm sure everything will be back to normal after your conversation! :D

Are you feeling a little bit abandoned?

It won't always be this way. I think you're experiencing a natural readjustment in the relationship. Maybe you need her less as a consultant as you are now quite good at mothering yourself.

My experience has been that my relationship with my mother has evolved over the years. She & I have been been very close during some periods, and very remote during others. This has never been due to any estrangement or any explosive argument, it just seems that our relationship moved through different phases, as we each dealt with different conditions in our lives.

During early 2008, we were going through a rather remote phase, with her and my father enjoying their retirement, and me being a workaholic, working on my weight loss & health & living a five-hour drive away. Then my father was diagnosed with cancer & given just a few months to live. After that we conferred daily, or many times daily, and after a while, I took a leave from my job to live with my parents & be with them as long as I could.

After my father died, my mother & I grew closer, as we seemed to cling to each other to get through the days. Also, through a cruel twist of fate, my mother received a breast cancer diagnosis just two days after my father's funeral. And I couldn't stay there & be with her -- I had used up all my leave for my father's illness. My mother & I were in constant communication. I worried about her. Also she was adapting to living alone & it was very tough for her. I felt exhausted from the responsibility & wished very much that she spent more time with her friends and that she had other interests. But she'd had to adapt to my father's illness & become a caregiver & after that storm passed, it seemed to have swept away her whole life & she couldn't seem to remember her old routines or way of living. She had to invent a whole new routine while also battling the cancer.

I am very proud of her now because she has reconnected with a whole web of other friends, mostly female -- there are a lot of widows out there among her contemporaries, unfortunately -- and she gets up every day with a mission. (Oh, and I forgot to add, she's been cancer-free for three years now.)

She also came through for me in a very big way during another crisis: I lost my home at the end of last summer. My mother came down to where I live with a minivan & helped with the salvage & has spent nearly every day since helping with cleaning, acquiring, repairing, arranging for the restoration of my belongings. Also, since I had nowhere to live, I moved in with my mother again temporarily. We have both definitely felt how important it is to give the other some space and privacy but also to spend some time together doing something fun now & then.

I have learned from this that there are cycles of intimacy in relationships; that being less in touch than in previous time does not mean the relationship has weakened; that change happens very fast sometimes, that despite any distance, or lack of recent communication, if necessary, we are able to come together & connect very closely, particularly in a crisis. But also, despite this great love, we can still get on each others' nerves and bicker constantly. We are two very different people with different interests and opinions.

Maybe you need to think about setting up some play dates with your mother, for just the two of you to enjoy something together. That was what I learned during our recent stressful period: Our mutual worrying sometimes leads us to lash out at each other. The atmosphere becomes far less fraught when we do something fun together out in the larger world.

Seriously, from my own experience, what you'd want even less than estrangement is your mother becoming depressed, retiring from the world, rarely leaving the house, but on the phone with you constantly, pouring all her needs onto you, so that you feel as if you constitute her world. Given the choice of that, or a mother who's so busy and independent that she can seem a little distracted or remote at times, I'd take the latter. Because I know s&%$# happens, and if it does, your mother would not remain a stranger from you for very long. She'd be there for you.

It was very kind and generous of your Mother to have the kiddies stay over a couple of times a month. Some grandparents never do that, or only the ones that are living close to them, occasionally. Some parents do a lot for the first grandchildren, then as more come along; not as much. In this case though, I think having the kids over is a separate issue from spending time with you.

The golfing and helping out at church are also separate issues that have nothing to do with you, IMHO. The golfing is just a social activity she enjoys; so there's nothing wrong with that. Her church involvement is a spiritual & social matter; and again, not related to her relationship with you & your children.

However, there is nothing stopping you from calling your Mother up and asking her to go out to lunch with you. In fact, since you want to spend more time with her, make a point of it; but if she declines, I wouldn't take it personal -- instead, explain that you miss spending time with her, and ask for a rain check.

And, when you do see her, tell her how much you miss your special times together (shopping, lunching, chatting). You could also invite her for Sunday dinner once a month and on holidays, so that she can spend more time with the whole family.

Talking to her about all this is very important because she may just be rearranging her priorities & lifestyle at this time, and the reasons for that may not have anything to do with you at all. :D

Thank you all for your responses. I'm taking the time to mull everything over and give myself time to adjust to some of the natural changes in our relationship. I'll reevaluate how I feel in a few months and whether I feel a heart-to-heart is needed.