Just don't know what to do anymore... (adult content)
I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and I love him to pieces. With my weight, I am very insecure and kept feeling like the more weight I lost the better I would feel.
One thing that my insecurity causes, which is oposite than most, is a higher sex drive. I know that sounds crazy, but in my head, if we have sex then maybe I won't need to worry about other girls because he is happy with all aspects of the relationship.
I've been losing weight since January and I really thought that by now, I'd feel more confident and could back off a bit, but I'm not. I still feel like sex should be a main focus in the relationship.
My biggest issue, however, is that he's kinda sex'd out. He said that we have sex a lot more than other couples and now he's starting to reject me when I'm attempting to get things started. It's making me feel horrible and worse than I did before.
I'm unhappy with myself and just don't know what to do. I'm kind of at a loss. Now I feel like the pressure to have sex is creating issues which is opposite of what I ever intended.
Relationships are so complex! Try to find a happy medium, maybe wait for him to come on t o you instead of you always pursuing him. Obviously he is happy with less sex so maybe you should try to focus that time on something else or adding something new to the relationship. Maybe the same routine was getting a little mundane, spice it up a little!! Don't take sexual rejection too personally because no one in a relationship is always in the mood at the same time all of the time! Keep your chin up, you're doing great with your weightloss. Good luck!
Personally I never met a guy who was too sexed out so that makes my mind go wild with "what is going on?" I would come right out and ask him. The possibilites are endless but I would have to know.
It could have more to do with him than you and You are not responsible for his desire.
It could be work pressures or it could be he is having sex on the side.
Is it possible that you are looking for validation from him through sex? I used to feel a lot like that when I was gaining weight, and felt worse about myself every time I was rejected by my hubs. Maybe you should address your self confidence issues by looking within, talking to him, or seeking some therapy? Your worth in a relationship or elsewhere isn't based on how much sex your having.
Giving lots of sex will not keep a man happy. Sex is ONE PART of a relationship and well, yes, it's important, but it's not the main focus and shouldn't be. There needs to be friendship, companionship. You need to be friends. Being GOOD FRIENDS is more likely to keep a partner happy than just offering sex nonstop.
I know it is common belief that men are constantly sex-starved and want it 24/7.
This isn't true. They get tired like women, they aren't in the mood, etc.
If he senses that you are pushing it out of insecurity (rather than solely sex drive), that could push him away. Men cannot necessarily be passive in 'normal' sex (I mean traditional penetration), they must be aroused etc. unlike women who could just lay there (not saying we should! Just saying it's possible). That's a LOT of pressure, right? Pressure to perform is not easy for them.
How often are you asking in comparison to how often he wants to? Is it unreasonable? Is it out of sex drive or the need to feel that if he has sex with you, he won't go elsewhere??
I agree with the post about possibly looking for validation through sex. For a long time I associated love with sex. "If he has sex with me, he loves me" Its just not true.
I admit that I have irrational relationship thoughts on occasion (not necessarily about sex) I know *GASP* lol.....
Anyway, I have had similar feelings that you are having. I take it VERY personal if I get turned down.....and I really shouldn't. Sex, although a major element in any relationship, is just that.....ONE part of something that has so many layers.
Try to focus on WHY you are feeling so insecure. From what you say it sounds like this is the chain of events:
you feel insecure (but why?) -> you want to have more sex -> boyfriend is oversexed and declines -> you feel MORE insecure than before
... in my head, if we have sex then maybe I won't need to worry about other girls because he is happy with all aspects of the relationship.
... and ...
Quote:
I still feel like sex should be a main focus in the relationship.
The answer is in the question ... Sex is a part of a healthy relationship but after a little while, it does wain a bit. That is quite normal. Don't assume he isn't interested in you anymore or cheating. That likely isn't it. Sexual desire peters off a bit after a while (for both men and women) for different reasons -- stress, fatigue, hormones, pregnancy, time, etc.
I think that you should just ask your partner what he thinks/wants. How often would he like to have sex. He may say 1-2 times a week; and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people have sex dates once a week becuz of work and busyness, i.e. every Friday night or Saturday/Sunday morning.
The key thing here is to compromise, so you'll both be happy; and in between you could just cuddle, kiss, and hug a bit ...
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 05-25-2012 at 04:47 PM.
I agree that your answers are in your questions. Working on how you feel about yourself will reap tremendous benefits. And the fact is, if the only reason he is staying with you is because of sex then you both deserve better (I am not saying this is the case). He could be feeling manipulated, so I agree with the backing off suggestion. No one wants to feel responsible for another person's self worth or the feeling that their partner is using anything (sex, money, etc) to keep them there.
Just don't know what to do anymore... (adult content)
I hope someone else chimes in with some helpful thoughts for you!
Sex is a part of a healthy relationship but after a little while, it does wain a bit. That is quite normal. Don't assume he isn't interested in you anymore or cheating. That likely isn't it. Sexual desire peters off a bit after a while (for both men and women) for different reasons -- stress, fatigue, hormones, pregnancy, time, etc. 
