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Old 01-12-2012, 05:25 AM   #1  
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Default Back from the shadows...again.

So, yes. I disappeared. Again. This makes twice now...and, I'm regretting it now even more than I did the first time. I'd come back and made a couple posts back in August about getting back on track with calorie counting and posting on 3FC, and how I'd just had a nearly two month vacation out to my hometown in California to see my family. [And, had eaten just about every delicious thing I can't get my hands on way out here in Oklahoma.] But, that was water under the bridge. I was losing the extra weight I'd put on, but then I let myself start slipping on actually counting out calories...just "guesstimating"...and, then I eventually just convinced myself I couldn't even find the time to bother taking note whatsoever.

Not surprisingly, I'm now all the way back up to 252 lbs! That's almost 27 pounds back on.

Life has been pretty rough lately, and the extra weight is just a literal reflection of that. For one, when I came back the first time in August, I'd been seeing a doctor in an attempt to find help with feminine issues and conceiving, and they put me on hold pretty much indefinitely, because they needed my husband to be seen before they felt it was worth pursuing my diagnosis. [People in the military might know why that would be considered "indefinite"...a soldier actually getting seen for a real issue is almost a thing of myth.] I let myself get defeated about the whole issue, feeling like I've been a hamster on a wheel trying to get answers for what was wrong with me. This was my main fire and initial drive in losing weight. To get to a healthier weight and develop a stronger body and more active lifestyle for our family plans. It may not seem like a big deal to some, but when you want children and you can't become pregnant, your mind can start telling you horrible things about yourself as a woman. About your body, your spirit. Or, it did for me...I can't be alone in that fact, can I?

Anyways, that was the edge I was teetering on...that place where you either let yourself deflate of motivation, or use that moment to ignite a stronger fuel to move forward.

Then, among other personal October, my dad died.

That was it. I fell over the edge. It was all very sudden and unexpected. He was only 58 years old, and none of us were prepared for such a devastating loss. I lost any concern for myself and fell apart. A cloud fell around me that made me feel like it all didn't matter. It's a dark place I'm still having trouble shaking; but, I've realized that it is not a good mind space to be in, and it's probably the furthest thing from what my dad would want me to be feeling. We were very close; he was honestly one of my best friends. My advisor on all things, big and small. It's still surreal that he's no longer with us, but I know his energy and love is with us, always.

So, I'm back to the "real world"...eyes open. This is where I get back on track. This is where I remember why I was really doing this in the first place. I want to live a long time and be with my loved ones, able to fully enjoy the life and adventures we share. I don't just want to do this, I need to do this.

TL;DR version: Life is tough, but we're tougher. Glad to be back.
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:22 AM   #2  
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Dear ophelia,
you are brave and deserving all of life's most precious gifts.
losing a father,( i lost mine too,) is an adult rite of passage. his love and admiration for you is still here. he was and is always proud of you.
ok. so you gained the weight. breathe in and then let it go. gaining weight is not a character flaw.
I know your feminine desire to be a mother. that's the ultimate reason we have our reproductive organs.
you will be a mother, be open to all possibilities.
so welcome back I will be here too. let's focous on how wonderful life's buffet is and just sample the most healthiest choices.
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:43 AM   #3  
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WELCOME BACK...and my condolences on your loss. Life happens. We are not super-human. You've had and are having some challenges. I think the victory is that you made it through and your mind is still in the game.

A few years ago, I had a difficult medical situation with my child and a challenging job....I was talking to someone about my recent weight loss a few months ago and how I gained TONS of weight during this difficult period (close to 300 pound all time high). When I was kicking myself for not focusing on my weight at the time she said....."Maybe you had all your life could handle." Meaning, God knew that I had other things that needed all of my energy and when my world cleared to allow me to focus on weight, I did. Your life has been full. Don't beat yourself up. New day, new year, new start....I am personally cheering US on to goal

Last edited by free1; 01-12-2012 at 06:43 AM.
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Old 01-14-2012, 11:53 AM   #4  
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Thank you, you two. I really do appreciate the kind words.

Lucindaarrowspark: Also, I'm sorry for your loss, as well.

Free1: I'm cheering us on, too! We got this.
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Old 01-16-2012, 12:25 PM   #5  
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Welcome back!

I can't imagine what you went through with your father's passing and I'm sorry to hear about that.

The good news is, your back and ready to start this again. So you gained some weight back but the best part about it is you realized it before it go completely out of control!

You're strong and you have done this once before, you can definitely do it again!
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Old 01-24-2012, 07:12 AM   #6  
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Thank you, MiZtaCCen!
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Old 01-25-2012, 02:58 AM   #7  
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ophelia - I remember you. Welcome back.

I am so very sorry to hear about your father. I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through, must still be going through.

And on the feelings when you're trying to conceive and can't - no, you're not alone. My issues fueled my initial desire to lose weight, but now they play a role more in the sense that my weight/weight loss is something I can control, and controlling something feels good and keeps me sane when I can't control anything else.

I know it's a hard step to take, but I'm glad you're back and I hope you'll stick around here. I wish all the best for you.
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