I am certainly not a perfectionist at everything - not when it comes to dieting, exercising, the way I look, etc.
But I am a perfectionist at work. I have a very mentally demanding job where I basically get critiqued the entire time (I give a lot of presentations, for example).
I myself can feel when the presentation or project is not perfect. On my way home from work, I replay the mistakes over and over in my head. I can't forget (resolve) them until well after the event is over. Of course I immediately write down my thoughts on how I can improve. But, I still replay the thoughts constantly in an unproductive manner.
However, part of the problem when I am teaching, for example, is that I am not 100% responsible for the course of events. If the uni students are tired or if they didn't have time to finish the homework, there will inevitably be silence or class will not be as lively as it could.
For some reason, even though I know in this case I am not fully responsible, I still have negative thoughts filling my head - even telling me that I am stupid (I suppose that would be my superego at work). I take full responsibility, even though I shouldn't.
In general this happens with every job I have - with every critique I get I mull over it. I then critique myself 10x's worse.
This behavior is not new. I have been feeling this way, particularly since taking on more challenging work in a new country, for the past three years. I actually think the stress makes me sick. I can almost predict the next cold sore. If the stress wasn't literally making me sick, I'd say "that's life" - but I'm afraid if I let it continue, it will lead to much more serious health problems.
My question is, for anyone who identifies with being overly-sensitive and a perfectionist, have you found any way to cope?
I could imagine that perhaps many teachers feel this way. If so, when does it go away?
I was like that when I was lecturing (for a time I lectured in marine law) and The only way I coped was by believing myself when I reasoned it out, just as you have.
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I am not 100% responsible for the course of events. If the uni students are tired or if they didn't have time to finish the homework, there will inevitably be silence or class will not be as lively as it could
The question is why do not you not believe it? For me it was about needing to be in control because if I was not then it felt like everything would tumble down around me. I was deeply concerned when I could not control my students responses.
Hackneyed as it is my need for control arose out of childhood issues. I had a troubled upbringing involving desertion etc etc etc. I was helpless and built up layers and layers of control. Generally my work only involved matters over which I reigned but lecturing means surrendering to the foibles and behaviour of individuals ...
It was a good, if harrowing, experience because it meant I had to look deeper and deal with issues that need resolving so I could balance out my life.
I am not saying this is the same for you but perhaps surrendering control is difficult because there is reason outside of presumed perfectionism?
That is a very interesting take on the issue - one that I need to think about longer. Thank you so much for writing your experience.
Maybe it does have something to do with control that I hadn't realized.
My father gave up lecturing after 5 years - he would always become very nervous and physically a bit ill before public speaking. He finally said "enough" and moved to research.
I think there is also a factor, when lecturing, of feeling not good enough. I am somewhat young - I look younger than I am, so I feel like I have to be extra something for any type of respect. Some students are also always looking for ways to correct me. But, I think that is quite normal.
You are right, we can't control much.
Did you find that your stress decreased when you moved to another occupation? Maybe lecturing is really only for those who are *more stabile* - if you know what I mean.
Academia is highly competitive and stressful, and many academic workplaces are horrible to work at. A friend of mine has described two of the departments she's lectured with as "dysfunctional snakepits". As for lecturing being only for those who are more stable, I really laughed at that one, because with all of the departments I've known, the rate of mental illness has been extremely high.
I'm not in employment myself due to chronic ill health, though I did some postgraduate study, had planned to go into academia, and have oodles of friends who are academics. I will be watching this thread with interest, because my partner is in a vaguely similar situation to you, though in a different job. If anyone knows of any useful books on how to deal with stressful workplaces when you have this sort of mindset, please let us all know!
Wow. I had no idea university teachers felt this way. This is useful to me as a student.
Anyway, I still have LOTS of experience getting stuck in an unproductive loop. I would suggest writing down thoughts on what you need to improve is not helpful. Your goal right now is to change your mindset as I have no doubt you are an incredible instructor. OR, write down a couple of improvement issues if they are valid and then move on to writing down all that went correct, or if you made an actual mistake, forgive yourself of that mistake in writing and move on.
When I am stuck in a loop of negative talk my goal is to soundly get out of it because it can be consuming and damaging. And yes, I can dwell myself physically ill too. I am still working on this. But I do know for me that further tearing down is not going to help.
Esofia: I think academia breads psychosis, unnecessarily. It is interesting that you stated the rate of mental illness is high in many academic departments. I was in a completely dysfunctional department for over a year, fully funded. They brought me down to my lowest of lows - the university psychologist advised me to quit the program. He said he had already received many complaints about the department in the past and that I should not internalize any of the guilty feelings for "not feeling good enough" - that many of the graduate students in that department had felt this way, meaning the cause was external.
I did quit. I look back now and realize they were really terrible profs - all on the verge of breakdowns or cold as heck.
Anyway, I suppose what I meant with the "more stabile" comment, really, are those who are maybe so egoistic that they fail to register how others think of them. OR, it could also be those who have learned how to de-sensitize themselves to the critiques.
At any rate, being constantly critiqued and learning how to deal does happen in a number of positions outside academia.
Hiking Chloe: I have also been trying to write things down as a means of resolution - but I still find the negative loop disrupts my sleep and causes me to feel ill and stressed (or manifests in cold sores, for example).
Perfectionism can be a curse in certain professions and as a self-proclaimed perfectionist in a similar line of work, it took quite a lot of time for me to learn to "let go" and realize that I can't control everything.
I love being in control. I need everything to work out exactly the way I want it. But I can't. It took quite a lot of tears and frustrations to realize that. I was always the "perfect" student: high GPA, participating in class, etc. I could control those things quite easily and get an expected outcome. It was the unexpected I was afraid of. I couldn't plan for that all the time.
So when I was thrown into student teaching, it was a wake up call, a HUGE one. You can't control the classroom. You can't control the twenty five 10 year olds all the time and sometimes despite your best efforts everything will not go as planned. Honestly those few months of student teaching were some of the hardest of my educational career—and my life—and I nearly threw in the towel when my first observation went horribly.
I looked back at how much work I put into getting to that point. I had worked hard for four years to get an undergraduate degree. I was working hard in graduate school. To throw in the towel then would just be stupid. So I decided to look at it from a completely different perspective:
As a student I could control the outcome—I was used to this and used to expected results. I can't get that as a teacher all the time, but what I can do is control how I react to situations and realize that it's not about me—none of it is. It's all about my students, education is all about them and how I can make sure they have the best future possible. If something goes wrong, so what? I can turn that into a teachable moment if I have to. I'm creative, I can figure out how to turn things around.
I take critiques now and I realize that it's just so I can be a better teacher for my students. A bad review doesn't necessarily mean I'm a horrible failure—just that I have to improve.
Right now I'm a Special Education Teacher, so yeah, I can't be in control all the time! Especially since I'm teaching resource room and have to work with whatever the teachers send down. It was unnerving at first as I always like to have a solid plan, but I've gotten used to it. I still have days where I want to freak out, but those are getting few and far between.
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I think there is also a factor, when lecturing, of feeling not good enough. I am somewhat young - I look younger than I am, so I feel like I have to be extra something for any type of respect. Some students are also always looking for ways to correct me. But, I think that is quite normal.
Ah, I get this feeling quite a lot. I'm always thinking that I have to do SO MUCH more to prove myself because I'm young, but I'm slowly learning how to project confidence that even when a faculty member who could easily be my grandparent questions what I'm doing that I know how to defend myself.
Doesn't mean that I actually am confident...I'm just learning how to get others to think I am
Did you find that your stress decreased when you moved to another occupation? Maybe lecturing is really only for those who are *more stabile* - if you know what I mean.
I had a giggle at this. I was not unstable, I was off-balance but yes, I know what you mean =) I actually lectured on for quite a while and it was not at all stressful after I worked with what I had rather than tried to make what I had work with me ie I accepted I could not control everything. After that things improved hugely as I started interacting more and the students worked with me to make it happen. They turned out to be really nice people. Okay, there was one that was an utter tosser but he would have been that no matter what I did!
Perfectionism, it could be argued, is a compulsion. Compulsion is a way of dealing with anxiety. Relieve the anxiety and you control the compulsion. It is not a healthy condition and is also a form of neurosis if the underlying feeling is one of unworthiness (I moved into psychology after lecturing ... now retired). Like most things it is a matter of degree. A normal sense of perfectionism is healthy and rewarding; a job well done. That changes if the scale tips and the condition does become neurotic and unrewarding then it is healthier to re-balance.
It is sometimes a struggle to recognise when perfectionism is becoming unhealthy. Usually someone close to the person can tell them. A telltale sign in when you do not feel adequate. Then it is a good idea to have a sit down with someone who can work through it with you.
I've found some of the techniques used in cognitive behavioral therapy helpful for dealing with my perfectionistic tendencies (and dealing with criticism, among other things).
I think you're probably right about academic culture contributing to mental health problems. There seems to be a lot of unnecessary stress and misery - at least in some disciplines and programs.
However, I also think that among professors and teachers who are appropriately knowledgeable and are competent lecturers, the best ones are those who are open to input from peers and students - including criticism - and can assess that input logically and in a way that is fair to themselves and others. I think that those folks are also very good at recognizing that students are independent, complex beings who they cannot control. Their attention in class, performance on assignments, and even their criticisms of you may not really have anything to do with you (even if they happen to be right about something). If you are teaching undergraduates, a lot of your students may still be learning how to take care of themselves and navigate life. They also probably have their own preoccupations, insecurities, and physical and mental health issues. (I was so mentally ill as an undergrad that I frequently felt suicidal and sometimes felt like I could barely function. That's not something I told my professors, but my academic performance could be inexplicably gappy, some of my behaviors probably appeared bizarre, and I know I occasionally behaved like an *** (intentionally and unintentionally) to professors and others. It wasn't them. It wasn't really even me. It was the effects of untreated ADHD and co-morbid depression and anxiety, intensified by overwhelming stress, immaturity, and lack of experience.)
You can't control what an individual will do, only how you respond to it.
ETA: Even before I started with the CBT stuff, I found it very helpful to make a point of accepting that a particular event I was stewing over was in the past, couldn't be changed, and whatever good or bad things resulted from it beyond my control. Acknowledging that made it easier for me to think about what I could do differently in the future and move forward. I think it also helped me begin to accept my imperfections and inability to control everything.
Perfectionism
