Hi all. I just found this site and thought I'd post a question that I hope someone out there can answer.
Why do people.....and not just people in general, but the people that say they love you....play manipulative games when it concearns their partners and weight loss?
My husband has been telling me for years that I am not his prefered type of woman because I'm overweight. Don't get me wrong, reguardless of his "prefrence" he has always been very loving and affectionate towards me. Until I decided that I wanted to loose the weight. (and I might mention that I havn't lost any weight yet. It was the idea of loosing it that caused the problem)
He has gone from being a very secure person, not a jealous bone in his body, couldn't care less if I found other people attractive to the point where I always felt that he really wouldn't miss me for long if I ever left (which I have no plans of doing as there are to many good things about the relationship)...to being totally insecure, accusing me of wanting to find someone else and very angry. I have attempted weight loss several times over the years, and he has never ever been supportive. It's unfair to blame him for my failed attempts, but his lack of support sure didn't help me any. I feel like I don't know him at all. And I'm a little angry. Just to think that all these years he actually prefered me to be obese makes me sick. And I fell for it and never knew his real motivation. I really believed him when he'd tell me that what ever I was doing concearning weight loss was incorrect. I'm even wondering if he really loves me at all. To want someone to be unhappy forever just because it makes them feel better is just awful.
Anyone else out there been in this situation? I could sure use some advice right now. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I want to loose weight for me. Not him, or anyone else. But he doesn't believe me.

Tash

Hi Tasheal
You need to decide to do this for yourself, no matter what he believes. My husband (who doesn't have a weight problem) says he loves me no matter what size I am, but in the past he once told me he wasn't attracted to me because I was overweight. I have never forgotten that remark, but he did. I reminded him of it one day, and he felt so bad that he almost got weepy. I honestly don't believe he feels that way anymore, because he is very affectionate. I have noticed, though, that whenever I start exercising and changing my eating habits, I get sabotaged. Just this week alone, we've gone out to lunch 3 times!!! In my opinion, he feels threatened when I try to better myself. He may not realize that he's even doing it, but he does. My willpower is terrible, so of course I go merrily along to lunch. Sometimes I think its best to not tell people who aren't going to be completely supportive about your weight loss plans.
Good luck to you. There is wonderful support on this website, so stick around!!

Tasheal ... I think the answer to your question is buried in your post. It's HIS problem, not yours. HE is insecure. Somewhere deep inside, (and it may even be subconcious) he believes that if convinces you that you are "fat and unattractive" then you probably would never leave him for fear that you won't find another partner. That gives HIM the knowledge that his marriage is 'safe' and he'll always have a partner.

This is not that uncommon. And it's possible that if you do lose weight, he'll feel MORE threatened because he's afraid OTHER GUYS may find you attractive and he feels unable to compete.

It's a vicious circle. He says you are unattractive because of your wieght. You try to lose weight and he gets scared and tries to stop you from losing.

I don't know what the answer is, but your instincts are right on. Perhaps just being aware of the situation is enough. Maybe you could start on a healthy eating program and re-assure your dh as you go with little love notes and special compliments and little things like you may have done when you are dating ... then he won't feel so threatened by the thought of a thinner you.

OR ... if it gets really bad, maybe counselling is in order. It's hard to say, you need to decide what's best for you and your relationship.

Tash,

I was looking for the right words to say but I do have trouble sometimes writing what I mean!!

I think Step wrote EXACTLY what I wanted to say!! She's so right and I really want you to think about this.You may not think he's insecure but he probably is.He doesn't want to worry if you'll look good for someone else.Deep down he IS threaten by it.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you reach your goal weight WITH your hubby supporting you all the way!

Take Care!
Sherry

Hi, everybody,
I am new to this site so I hope you all will bear with me as, actually, I'm new to e-mail and chat rooms and the whole business. Guess wanting to lose weight has pushed me to try new things. As to current subject of husbands, mine was overweight for a time and has tried a diet working for him. But after all the diets I've tried I know his fad won't work for me -- I've always gained back the weight. Guess I'm lucky in that he doesn't care what diet it is as long as I lose weight. He is very self-assured, regardless of his weight, while I am not. I can tell he wants me to lose, but the fact is, I am the one who really agonizes over it. Was led to look for such sites as this by an article I read in a print magazine that encouraged looking for both on-line and in-person groups, for the type of encouragement each offered. Thanks for letting me get in on this.
JPD

Tash - I think people don't like change (even if they say they do) and your husband must like things the way they are or he would try to make changes as well. I agree with all other comments & you have to do this for you, your health & happiness. If you lose weight & feel & look better and this is a "problem" for your husband, what does that say about him.

Go for it - you deserve it.

Sounds to me like your husband needs some counseling!
Thankfully my husband Mark is very supportive; not that he finds me butt-ugly, but he knows what being overweight does to me mentally. Furthermore, there is a history of heart disease and hypertension in my family, and he doesn't want me to have any of those problems.
Good luck, and remember we're here to listen, advise, etc.