Originally Posted by ryeb:
You mean to tell me, every single time, you want it so bad that you just couldn't pass up the chance? I mean, I still enjoy it, but there are times I have other things on my mind than just sex.

I'm not sure that's what she was saying. It sounded more like to me that sex should be mutually desired, that's not to say both have to have the same amount of desire for it every time (though one at 0% and the other at 90% is a problem, imo). Of course there are times when I have other things on my mind...until things start up. Then I'm there in the moment. But yes, there are days when he wants it more than I do, but I still want it and we still have it. If either of us doesn't want it, we don't do it.

BuggyBear81, I'm giving you a hug. :hug: I get it, I really do.

I'm 54. I had a ton of boyfriends when I was young, always serious and offering marriage, but I stayed single till age 27. Got married to the wrong guy, got divorced after way too many years with him, stayed single for 8 years, found The One, was widowed after only 6 years, was single for nearly 3 years, got in a relationship a year and a half ago and got dumped 6 months ago (not related to weight). Here's what I have learned, and I hope it helps you some:

Being single is far preferable to being in a bad relationship. Being in a good relationship is far preferable to being single.

I miss having someone to share a laugh with. I miss having someone to snuggle up to in bed or who will rub my shoulders, or I will happily rub theirs. I miss sharing a knowing glance across a room at a party. I miss waiting to hear the sound of his truck pulling into the drive. I miss having someone to tussle with, tell my bad jokes to and share my meals. I miss dancing.

I don't miss having to cook all the time or cooking the wrong things because I know he'll love them, even though they're terrible for me. (But that was my fault, not theirs!)

On the practical side, I miss having someone to help with chores. I miss sharing my home with someone who knows how to fix the toilet. I hate being the only one who runs errands.

I was in deep with my last relationship and even though there were issues, he was a good man in many ways and I miss him terribly. That said, I wouldn't take him back if he showed up on the doorstep and begged. But I know better than to give up on love -- just on love with HIM.

Peruse your local Meetup groups. Join a few things -- book reading clubs, gardening clubs, hiking clubs or special interest clubs. If you really want to meet men, learn to shoot. Volunteer for something if you can. Put the word out to family and friends that if they know someone suitable, they'd be welcome to provide an introduction. Go to EVERYTHING you're invited to, even if you'd rather not: Potlucks, family gatherings, weddings, whatever comes up. Take the time to look good and feel good about yourself when you go. Put yourself out there! You'll be amazed how many people you meet, and you NEVER know when you might meet your next Special Someone. It might be through a chance meeting, or through a friend of a friend, or just someone you bump into while out and about. And if nothing else, it will give you something to do instead of worrying about your next relationship. :) Be picky, never be desperate, and enjoy your life just as it is -- trust me; it could be worse.

I hope there is something of help for you here. I know someone special is looking for you right now. Another hug for the road: :hug:

Best, Rae

someone asked me if something happenned to hubby would I do it again...I say no I would be single....I asked my mom once if she regretted staying single...she said no, she liked being the only to decide what she wanted to do...where she wanted to go...when she wanted to go to bed....who she wanted to talk to.....how and if she wanted to spend her money...sounds pretty good to me..

Originally Posted by jules1216:
someone asked me if something happenned to hubby would I do it again...I say no I would be single....I asked my mom once if she regretted staying single...she said no, she liked being the only to decide what she wanted to do...where she wanted to go...when she wanted to go to bed....who she wanted to talk to.....how and if she wanted to spend her money...sounds pretty good to me..

Reading comments like this, I really wonder what those marriages were like, because it sounds incredibly controlling to me. I never feel as though I can't do what I want, buy what I want (unless we literally do not have the money), go to bed when I want, talk to whomever I want, etc. Granted, everyone is different, as is every relationship, but I too would be happier single if I felt that constricted in a relationship. Happily, with my husband, I do not.

I love being single! It's been a couple of years now, but I keep a lot of "options". I do at times get the single blues but because I'm single, I really know who I am as me and not just the other half of someone. I suggest everyone take a few months off of dating and focus on themselves- unless of course you're already happily attached.

Once you start having negative feelings about being single, chances are you'll remain single. It's all about being positive where you are- and guys will take notice!

Originally Posted by Ferumbras:
ryeb: Why not just say "not tonight"? Why should an excuse be necessary?

I have never actually used the line about the "head ache" line, I was being kind of a smart butt. But I have had moments where I was "ok, I guess"

Originally Posted by raebeaR:
BuggyBear81, I'm giving you a hug. :hug: I get it, I really do.

I'm 54. I had a ton of boyfriends when I was young, always serious and offering marriage, but I stayed single till age 27. Got married to the wrong guy, got divorced after way too many years with him, stayed single for 8 years, found The One, was widowed after only 6 years, was single for nearly 3 years, got in a relationship a year and a half ago and got dumped 6 months ago (not related to weight). Here's what I have learned, and I hope it helps you some:

Being single is far preferable to being in a bad relationship. Being in a good relationship is far preferable to being single.

I miss having someone to share a laugh with. I miss having someone to snuggle up to in bed or who will rub my shoulders, or I will happily rub theirs. I miss sharing a knowing glance across a room at a party. I miss waiting to hear the sound of his truck pulling into the drive. I miss having someone to tussle with, tell my bad jokes to and share my meals. I miss dancing.

I don't miss having to cook all the time or cooking the wrong things because I know he'll love them, even though they're terrible for me. (But that was my fault, not theirs!)

On the practical side, I miss having someone to help with chores. I miss sharing my home with someone who knows how to fix the toilet. I hate being the only one who runs errands.

I was in deep with my last relationship and even though there were issues, he was a good man in many ways and I miss him terribly. That said, I wouldn't take him back if he showed up on the doorstep and begged. But I know better than to give up on love -- just on love with HIM.

Peruse your local Meetup groups. Join a few things -- book reading clubs, gardening clubs, hiking clubs or special interest clubs. If you really want to meet men, learn to shoot. Volunteer for something if you can. Put the word out to family and friends that if they know someone suitable, they'd be welcome to provide an introduction. Go to EVERYTHING you're invited to, even if you'd rather not: Potlucks, family gatherings, weddings, whatever comes up. Take the time to look good and feel good about yourself when you go. Put yourself out there! You'll be amazed how many people you meet, and you NEVER know when you might meet your next Special Someone. It might be through a chance meeting, or through a friend of a friend, or just someone you bump into while out and about. And if nothing else, it will give you something to do instead of worrying about your next relationship. :) Be picky, never be desperate, and enjoy your life just as it is -- trust me; it could be worse.

I hope there is something of help for you here. I know someone special is looking for you right now. Another hug for the road: :hug:

Best, Rae

^^^^^ Seriously, the best advice ever ^^^^^^^^

Originally Posted by ryeb:
I have never actually used the line about the "head ache" line, I was being kind of a smart butt. But I have had moments where I was "ok, I guess"

Ahh.. gotcha. :)

I'm sorry you are blue. But I wanted to give you props for dumping the abuser. NOBODY deserves that, and being alone for a while is better than being torn down by abuse. :hug:

Try to get out, be a part of community. However it is you do it -- volunteer, church, hobbies, meetups, whatever. Enjoy being you and enjoy doing what you like. Circulating is how you'll find someone who catches your eye and vice versa.

There's plenty of Right Ones out there. It's catching them at the Right Time. And it is always fine to throw a few back!

GL!
A.

Personally, I think society puts way too much emphasis on being "coupled up." There is nothing wrong with being single, and there's a difference between being "lonely" and being "alone" because you can be lonely in the wrong relationship!

Use this time to celebrate YOU. Go out and do the things you like, try things you've never done before, and enjoy your life! That special someone comes along at times when you least expect it. Desperation is the world's worst cologne and sends out "keep away" signals to someone you would actually WANT in your life (while sending "Come and get it" vibes to every troll within a 3-state radius).

Originally Posted by jenjen:
I think I'm in the minority, but 99% of the time I LOVE being single. I'll turn 40 this summer and can't imagine having to "answer" to someone--I'm very independent. Never been married and no kids.

^This! I also am very independent and enjoy my freedom. I've had married friends "runaway " to stay with me at times. They have happy and healthy relationships, kind husbands but the pressure of being a couple just got to them and they wanted the freedom of being single again, if only for a weekend:)

Originally Posted by raebeaR:
Being single is far preferable to being in a bad relationship. Being in a good relationship is far preferable to being single.

I loved you post, thanks so much for your insights. While I'm happy with my my life and choices, I know that I might be missing out on something EVEN better. My independence can be perceived as disinterest and I really want to be open to other possibilities.

OP:hug: Don't be sad, single life can be quite fun.

I don't know why anyone would feel they "need" a man/relationship/marriage to be happy/content. You don't need anyone to make you happy, sure it's nice at times to have someone but it's such a pain at times as well, lol. It's nice to have someone in your life but they shouldn't be there because you feel you need to have them because everyone else has someone. Of course I have the best of both...I am married but living single and loving it!

I'm pretty much committed to stay single. My decision is also deep rooted in my childhood. Yes, I'm on my own and I don't have anyone to help me or advocate for me. I've really never felt I had that. However, I have peace behind my closed door. I've become very independent and I can take better care of myself than anyone else could.

I always thought I was stupid and did every low paying job there was but supported myself. I finally went to college in my late 20's figuring I'd fail but give it a try anyway. To my shock I found it a breeze with excellent grades. I now have a good paying job that is in demand. So I'm 51 and single. Life could be much worse. And I'm not lonely. I feel isolated, like I don't fit in often, but not lonely.

Sorry to babble. And to the OP, I'm sorry you are feeling so low. My suggestion would be to take care of yourself right now, make sure you are independent and what comes along will. I'm glad you stopped an abusive relationship. No one deserves that. And it's not better than being alone. With a pet you are never alone too.

I liked being single and living alone so much that I've teased hubby since we first started dating, that my ideal living arrangement would be his & her duplexes.

I wouldn't say that being single was better than being married, but it certainly was easier. It takes a lot of work (at least for me) to live with anyone, even a room mate. It's just so much easier when you don't have to share control over your your life (and my husband doesn't expect or force me to make compromises, I do so because that's what you do when you love and live with someone. He does the same. It's both the advantage and the disadvantage of living together).

But I never felt that I was single because I had to be. I didn't have men beating down my door, but my social life wasn't all that different from my thinner friends and family members. I tended to be a little pickier (in fact, my mother was constantly telling me that I was going to end up being alone forever, because I was too picky). Being alone just seemed a lot better than being with someone who wasn't worthy of me.


I met my husband when I was 35 and he was 31 through a personal ad I placed. My ad was funny and up front about my current weight at the time (about 350-360 lbs) and my interest in losing weight and finding someone in a similar situation or someone who could accept me at my current weight, my ideal weight, and anywhere in between.

I got a lot of responses to the ad, though some of them were kind of odd. I almost didn't respond to hubby's voicemail because I didn't think we had anything in common, but he'd said something to the effect that "even if we just end up friends, that would be cool," and his "no pressure" response appealed to me. That was always my biggest problem with dating, guys who wanted too much too fast (and I'm not even talking sex so much as the "instant" relationship. Guys who fell in love so fast, that it couldn't be real love. I'd get the feeling that they didn't want me, so much as they wanted someone so badly that almost any woman with a pulse would have sufficed).

I think learning to love being alone actually helped me find the best relationship for me. Because I wasn't afraid of being alone, I looked for the best long-term partner for me, not just someone to be with until I found something better.

I broke up with my bf of 1.5 years a couple of months ago. Best decision ever. I did everything for him, helped him with his study, kept him on track, paid for basically all his clothes and basically was like a 2nd mother to him. he couldn't be bothered getting a job because he thought he was "above it" and only decided to get one once he started planning to go to America, you know, instead of paying me back! So needed and emotionally damaged too. There's a point when you have to stop putting yourself on hold for someone else. This was it.
Being with him slowed down my weightloss. In fact, I weigh less than he does now. I'm awesome, he's a douche. I'll find someone who I deserve! Till then I'm content having time with ME!
Same goes for you!