Sounds like you're exceedingly frustrated. Maybe make it clear to her that her choice to not be in the band does not equal a free pass to kick back and do nothing this summer - she now has yard maintenance duty, and whatever else needs to be done in addition to her own chores, while you and SO are working.

Only leave fruits and veggies for her to snack on if she needs a snack between meals - not granola bars/fruit bars, diet soda - whatever you determine is healthy and fits into the budget ... if she eats it all in two days, that's it for snacks for the week until you do more marketing, etc.

I was in marching band my freshman year of high school. My mom pushed me really hard to do it. Let me tell you, marching band is not the type of thing you want to push a child to "try". It's a huge commitment (as you mentioned). Three weeks of marching band before school started (six days a week, 12 hour days), five days of practice after school, football games, shows all day Saturday (or if there happens to not be a show, all day practice). It's expensive. And if she "tries it" and then ends up hating it, you are in for several months of battling. It's really not something one should quit.

Being in marching band consumes so much of the first half of the school year that most of the friends I made were in the band. When I decided to not continue it the following year, I had a really hard time making friends, and all of my friends were busy with band. It kind of screwed me up for the rest of high school.

I guess what I'm saying is that this isn't a small thing she should try. She really sounds like she doesn't want to do it.

How to deal with it? Mentally practice letting her go. Let the leash out. Tell her she's earned your respect to make her own decisions but with that freedom comes responsibility and ownership of those decisions. Tell her it is now her job to make herself shine that you gave her all the right tools to be able to do so, but that you'll always be there for support and to keep her on a good track.

Then watch her bloom in her own unique way. :)

Can she still join symphonic band if she doesn't play in marching band? My son has one more year of middle school band, but he says he is NOT playing in the marching band. Honestly, nobody could have paid me enough money to wear that marching band uniform in high school. Could they make them look any more ridiculous? I was not overweight, and still there is no way I would have worn it. I'd let this one go, and then keep encouraging her to make healthy choices by doing family activities and cooking healthy meals. She told the teacher she dreads walking through the band room doors every day. He asked her, and she said how she feels. It is not an insult to him.

i dont really have advice about the band thing, but in your followup post you mentioned not liking the idea of her being home all day everyday during the summer. many ymcas boys and girls clubs or other day camp programs have a counselor in training (CIT) program (that was the name at the Y idk about the other places) where the teenager gets assigned to a camp each week and acts as an assistant to the counselor/s of the camp. with the Y the first week was training and was a little less then normal camp rates and we got instructed in safety first aid and cpr and things like how to recognize signs of abuse etc. the rest of the summer the weekly rates were a lot lower then normal weekly camp rates.

my mom made me do this the summer i was 13, 14, and 15 because she did not want me sitting around the house unsupervised all summer long. when I was 16 I was hired on as a full time counselor because of the previous years as a CIT I worked as a counselor for 2 more summers after that and it is definitely a fun and unique experience, although draining as all get out.

It also looks good on college applications and resumes.

Her school does have a concert band, however, since they have an award winning marching band, and possibly because the band director gets to make the decision, freshman students MUST participate in marching band before they will be allowed to drop down to concert band for sophomore, junior, and senior year.

We do have a YMCA just around the corner from us (around 5 miles away) so I'll check into that for her. It would be another way to get out of the house and meet people.

Nationalparker, there is a limited amount of snacky-type stuff in our house, good point, and she could chip in with more chores to get a little activity.

Fitness4life, that's going to be very hard for me to do but I've got to do it. Thanks!

I'm going to have to pull up my big girl panties and let my child grow up. It sucks. I want to wrap them both in bubble wrap and protect them from anything hurtful, while still trying to prepare them to be adults with responsibilities and the ability to make sound decisions. Can't hold them back and hold them up at the same time. There has to be a self-help book revolving around this topic, right? :o

Can I just say "Yay for you!" I'm not sure what the right answer is, but the fact that you are really trying to balance what she wants with what you think is best for her, that sounds like good parenting to me. I know it must be hard to watch her put down her flute, but she's getting old enough to know what she wants, or at least what she doesn't want.

I was forced to do band and many other activities and man, did I rebel. I know people say they wish they'd been forced, but I was forced and I do NOT thank my mom for that. I wish she'd taken an interest in what I might have rather been doing, or what else I might have thrived in.

The plan for my kids this summer is that they either have to choose their activities or several will be choosen for them. But they are required to do at least 1 outdoor active thing, be it sports, camp, etc.

Could your daughter volunteer at the library working with younger kids, or as a camp counselor at a Y program....something like that might help use up her time and keep her moving.

Just saw the above post by pnkrckpixikat about the CIT counselor suggestion, sorry for repeating! Must mean it's a great idea. ;)

I think your inclination to get your daughter involved, out of the house, and moving around, is a very good one. I am so grateful my parents required us to DO something after school, starting in elementary school. They didn't care if it was sports, theater, art, debate, volunteering, etc. They supported whatever we decided to pursue.

Because we were in fact required to do something, I found great interest in activities I never would have pursued otherwise, I met lots of new people, I had a great resume for college full of activities I loved doing (which admittedly was important to me even as a 9th grader, and paid off in the forms of scholarships to top schools), and most importantly it was instilled in me and my brothers and sisters the importance of staying involved in our peers, our community, etc.

I think requiring your daughter to stay involved in something during both the school year and the summer- whether it's band or volunteering at an animal shelter or starting her own club- is in her best interest. She will thank you later for helping her avoid sitting at home all day for so many social, physical, and psychological reasons.

I don't think I've said anything that hasn't already been said, just want to say as someone who was a teenage girl 5 years ago that I am grateful for parents who required me to stay active and involved, but who let me decide what that meant.

I was also given the ultimatium by my parents - be involved in after school and summer activities or get a job to keep busy. I chose sports.

The more you let go of control the more you have. It sounds like she resents that you're trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to. This is probably making her resist band even more. Unknowingly you probably couldn't be doing more to push her away from band. Since this has become such a battle she will probably never change her mind and admit her mom is right out of pride. If you take the battle out of the band issue, it will be much easier for her to change her mind if she wants to.

I agree with the sentiment of telling her if she doesn't do band she needs to be doing something else. She can't sit home all day. Tell her it's her decision what activity she wants to do. Whether its a job/club/community activity or sport. Good Luck

How about you sit down together as a family and check out documentaries about obesity, unemployment and all the miseries that might await her if she doesn't think of her future when she makes desisions. (I don't say leaving the band will cause that, but leaving hobbies/occupations that need work and dedication in general will).

She sounds like the right age to learn that adults don't do everything they just "like" out of the blue. We have to learn to like what does us good in the long term. It is a dark path for anyone with weight problems to stay longer at home and less in the outside world. There are little to no opposrtunities at home.

Part of growing up is to learn that the real world won't be so forgiving like mom. They will check her resume see an abandoned hobby instead of an aspiration and WILL act accordingly.

The saga continues. She is feeling pressured on all fronts, which does lead to her digging in her heels. Her friends are all talking to her about it at school (I was unaware) so the teacher was the last straw. She got several texts last night from acquaintances, not really true friends, all asking the same question. She got FURIOUS!! She thinks her friend is actually paying people to put the pressure on her. :dizzy:

So, the last thing she needs is more of the same from me. I told her we needed to communicate on this issue without my pushing her, and without her locking me out. I gave her some advice for ways to shut down her nosy friends without inviting criticism (I have made my decision, I don't want to talk about it. Nothing to invite argument.) I told her we would look into alternatives for activities for her throughout the summer and school year. She told me about some "clubs" her school offers, everything from Harry Potter to Visual Arts, things she sounds thrilled about. (Again, I was unaware.)

Things went downhill when she started telling me that she's hurt by her friends not inviting her to go out to movies or coffee with them, because when they invited her in the past, she always had to decline because we don't have the money. I got defensive (bad momma move) and told her she could pick up some odd jobs this summer if going out with her friends was so important, as long as she could get rides back and forth since I have to work. And she told me "I knew that would make you mad, I'm going to bed now." Ugh. :?:

Anyway, thanks for everyone's opinions and advice and been there done that, I really needed to hear from others. I'm still a work in progress.

She can babysit/do lawnwork/pet sit, etc. for neighbors to earn her spending money, like most kids have to do - I never had money handed to me for that type of stuff ... so that'll further help her mature and realize that she's in control of her choices to a point - if she wants to have $5 for coffee with friends, then she needs to kick it in gear and do something to earn that money.

Oh how I remember those teenage years.

I really think the 2 of you need a bonding time to reinforce your relationship in a positive way. My mother and I can barely speak to each other because of the damage done back then.

I'm not sure my advice will be the most popular, but I think you should approach things from a "friends" perspective. Try reaching out to her not as a daughter but as a friend. Yes, there will be boundaries and instances where you have to reverberate back to Mother Mode, but I would hope those times would be far and few between.

What I'm trying to say is, spend some time with her as you would if you were a teen. Gradually, you'll be able to chip away the layers and actually get to what she is truly feeling, instead of assuming. Go to the movies together, go walking together... maybe even take a trip to a neighboring town to see a local attraction. I know you said money is tight, but there really are a lot of things you can do that are free. Do you exercise? Why not extend the hand of being exercise buddies?

Being a teen is hard. Being an overweight teen is exponentially harder. She really needs your support right now, and I think she'll feel more comfortable if she's looking at you as a friend she can confide in. Again, there are limits... but opening up that aspect of your relationship is key. She will be out of the house if a few years. Being on her own will be terrifying, and she should feel comfortable coming to you about anything and everything. If that means biting your tongue and simply nodding at first, so be it. Any step in that direction is progress.

same here. At that age you just feel SO vulnerable. It sucks so much to feel terrible about the way your life is going. To come home and have your parents beat you up over things you screwed up hurts even more. I remember feeling super alone and like noone understood. It took me a LONG time to repair self worth damage done in my teens. Conveying the message that you believe in her and trust her to make good decisions for herself would mean alot. Try to let the home be her safe place to fall. It sounds like your heart is in the right place, your trying your best and you care alot. Good Luck.