Career Chicks: Giving up relationships for career or vice verse?
QUICK EDIT: I am not seeking advice for my own situation, just on others' experiences choosing between relationship and career.
I'm a career-oriented 20something who gave up a dream job in Washington, D.C. to follow my boyfriend, who is also an international policy professional, halfway across the globe. We're now seeing it may be impossible for me to continue even to some degree my career over here and I may have to move back to the US or another country in order for me to earn a livelihood and continue working in my field.
Even this early in my professional life I'm cognizant that two career-oriented people having a long-term relationship or getting married is a difficult, if not impossible one, when neither of us have easily portable careers (doctor, teacher, etc) that can be uprooted and planted virtually anywhere.
I'm curious to hear what others' experiences have been with crossroads regarding relationships and careers, when a decision about one will significantly influence the other. Have you had to give up one for the other? Older chicks, what advice to you have for us younger ones that you wish you had gotten at our age?
I don't think that I'm any older than you, and I actually have the same question myself, but I was curious about your particular situation. You said that both you and your boyfriend work in international policy. What exactly do you do? Is there any way that you could both work for the same NGO or government agency? I'm most familiar with USAID and the State Department, both of which allow tandem couples to live and work in the same country, but I'm sure that some NGOs have similar policies. Of course, that assumes that you're ready/willing to get married, which might not be the case.
Anyways, I know that that wasn't your question at all, but I was just wondering if there was some way that you guys could make it work and still keep your careers, if not in your boyfriend's current assignment, then maybe in the next. If it were me, then I would probably make my career a priority over my relationship, if it came down to it.
I started dating young and by age 30 had not found "the one" (despite 3 engagements) so decided to focus full time on the career. That choice, along with gaining 100 lbs resulted in me not dating for 18 years. And I don't regret it a bit. Now that my career is winding down, have found a wonderful relationship. But I don't think this relationship would have even been possible when I was concentrating on the career which involved extensive travel.
I am also a 20something in the policy field. When I first got my master's, the goal was to go to DC or NY, but my partner lived in the midwest and was tied here for at least a few years for various reasons. I stopped applying for jobs in the big cities and knew it was a longshot to get a job in the declining midwest- but I figured I would just stay where I was until it happened. And it did.
My job is not what I want to be doing for the long run, but it does for now.
Do I wonder what I might have been doing had we continued long-distance and gotten some great job more related to what I want to do? Sometimes. But it's kind of moot anyway, because for the year or so I applied for the jobs i wanted, I wasn't getting any response anyway. And I do NOT regret this decision for one minute. I wanted to be here with her more than I wanted a job, and that's what it came down to for me. And honestly it was harder to leave my family on the east coast than it was to let go of any career aspiriations I had back there.
That said, my partner and I have agreed that eventually, we're going to move back east, where my family is. And maybe then I'll be able to find something better for myself. Options are pretty limited where I am in terms of the kind of work I want. But for now, this is fine, and it worked out well- I do not regret my decision in the least. It was the right one for me. But I might not be as career-minded as I originally thought- or as some others might be.
I am curious, though, about more specific circumstances of your situation. Are you working now, or unable to find anything? How long have you been there?
I think this is where you decide how important your career is to you and whether you would do something different. Being in a foreign country, your options may be severely limited but you could try to find jobs like teaching English or similar.
The thing is 5, 10 years down the road you might find yourself in a position to try to follow your original career path but you will either be competing against those who have used the time since college to gain experience or those who are fresh out of college. Depending on the job market, you might not be empoyable unless you do somethings like unpaid internships to gain some experience.
This is a really interesting conversation so far. Thank you everyone for your stories and perspectives, they are so interesting. Just to clarify a little bit, I'm aware of my career options overseas so I'm not necessarily looking for advice on that (though I'm very grateful for everyone's thoughtful feedback on that). To answer questions, I have several years of work experience and to be honest advanced extremely quickly, and am about 3-5 years ahead of peers my age in my field. I was doing short-term consulting here but was entirely unhappy working outside my field and at levels below where I am qualified, so I either face continuing to do that for the sake of remaining together, or pursue a challenging career elsewhere which will mean separation from my partner. (Sidenote: Nienna I have an AID/DOS background too, would love to PM you to chat more.)
But all that aside, I am not seeking personal advice on my situation, but more interested in all of YOU, in learning your experiences and perspectives of people who have faced similar choices of career-vs-relationship , as well as whether or not he/she regretted that choice. And thank you again to those of you who have shared your stories so far. I look forward to hearing more.
Well I can tell you my mother followed my father to become an army wife, she moved around and found odd jobs. Fast forward 11 years, he was cheating on her, she kicked him out and since they had just moved, she didn't have a job so finances were a bit tough and she worked all the time for many years (12 to 16 hours/day). It took quite a few years for her to catch up.
For me and my husband, we are both career people but we took a bit of a different direction in order to not have too similar jobs. I want to change my job but have had difficulty due to my lack of experience in the area which I used to work. Now though, I'm in the process of seeking a second career. It will take a lot of work but I will be happier overall.
I can't say I've ever followed a boyfriend anywhere over my career- I'd have to be married or engaged and very soon to be married to even consider doing so (i.e., he would need to have become part of my "family" and, even then, it would be a hard decision for me). In addition, I'll never try to do a long-distance relationship unless, again, I'm married/engaged.
I was dating someone when I was in grad school (across the U.S. from where I am now) and had to move to start my career...I thought maybe he would move for me (his job was more portable and didn't pay very well) but he didn't (which I can respect, he owned a home and likes where he lives). I didn't really question the fact that I had to give him up to start my career but I also got the feeling that he likely wasn't "the one" KWIM? We tried the long-distance thing for a while but long distance relationships are difficult especially if your career is demanding. For me, it was really important to build a solid foundation for my career for a while in order to have something strong to stand on down the road and everyone I've been involved in a relationship with knew this up-front. Now I'm nearing 30 (turning 30 this year) and am in a much better position to develop a relationship.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time finding the right "fit" work/relationship wise. Sometimes it is a bit of a crossroads situation.
I did move from Seattle to San Diego to be my boyfriend (future husband). It was REALLY hard for me to make that move - I loved my amazing job at Microsoft and I had so many friends. I didn't move until I found a great job in San Diego.
You're still really young - I honestly bummed around my entire early 20s and didn't get a "real job" until I was 28. A few years frolicking in love and enjoying an overseas location (and picking up a language!!) doesn't seem like a career ender to me.
I wouldn't/didn't give up a job in my career field to live in the same place as a boyfriend. I was in a relationship at the end of college - my boyfriend started his PhD and I took a year-long fellowship that was exactly what I needed to do at that time. Those jobs were in adjacent states so we were able to see each other every 2-3 weeks. I applied for PhD programs that year and was accepted to several; one of my top two choices was the university my boyfriend attended. I let his presence there influence my decision (only because it was tied for my first choice) and accepted that offer. So I would say we both prioritized our careers but found wiggle room to give our relationship a chance.
On the flip side/now that we're married, the opposite is true. I would definitely give up promising jobs to stay in the same city as my husband. We are not trying to prioritize both our careers but rather his will likely come first (mostly because he has a much more defined idea of what he wants to do while I'm sort of scattered).
This is such a tough question because every individual and relationship is so wildly different.
I'm facing a similar possible fork in the road soon too. Right now my partner and I have the exact same job and live 4 hours apart, which is a perfect arrangement. But our contracts end in less than 4 months and then what?
I am not very career-oriented as they come, but I am also quite selfish and ****-bent on living my own dreams and minimizing compromise. I would say, indiblue, that perhaps making a long list of potential outcomes along with their pros and cons could be helpful - you seem very level-headed about most things and well capable of rational thinking before jumping into big decisions.
An experience from the far side of being 50 plus years old. I focused on my career - obsessively-to the detriment of all my relationshios with friends and family. Then in 2 seconds a bad accident in my early 30's took it all away- my career and future plans were ashes... I could easily been left crippled and alone, but for the enduring love of family and friends that were willing to forgive self centred, selfish behaviour. I'm NOT saying that about you in anyway!!! - just remember, to seek balance in all things.
My mother gave up her career to follow my father around the world. She always worried what impression she was creating for her children, as a stay at home mother, instead of the strong working mom that she wanted to model for her girls.
But, the decision was made, and my parents are still married (to each other!) and will probably stay married for their rest of their lives. She was willing to sacrifice her career for the benefit of the family.
The caveat to the story, however, is that my mother didn't change her original career plans for my father. My father was able to get a job in her hometown in order to be closer to her and to propose. He couldn't fathom asking her to stay with him in the city where he graduated from his master's program and I don't think she would have done it anyway. So, he found a way to be with her first, so I think she was willing to sacrifice later for him.
Balance is key, I agree. Each side of the relationship has to be willing to give and take.
In my own situation, I've never given up a career opportunity for a man. In fact, my last relationship (not my current one) ended mostly because I decided I wanted to get my master's degree and I left him behind. Our relationship was great and I would have married him (which would have been a mistake). I couldn't do a fabulous master's program and stay where we lived (we lived together). The city I live in doesn't have good universities. I loved him, but I loved my education and career a lot more.
We ended, of course. It was the best decision ever. The master's program was worth it and I later met the man I'm with now, who is one in a million!!!!
My current boyfriend not only knows that my career is valuable to me, but he supports it. He kicks me in the behind when he thinks I'm slacking and he's the one telling me that I have to make sure I do this in order to get promoted or whatever. He knows that a big promotion for me might mean moving out of this town.
He's willing to take the risk of a long distance relationship because he feels pretty secure in our relationship and he knows that pursuing my career is something that I really value. So, he wants me to be happy. He knows that we would do the long distance thing for a while, but he would eventually move to be with me or some other compromise.
I think what works in my relationship is that we want the best for each other. I'm willing to support his career as well, even if it means he's working longer hours or leaves this town, because he's a better person for it. But we also have the knowledge that it's important to value our relationship and make it work.
With the other boyfriend, he didn't want to go above and beyond what we had. So, when I moved, he didn't want to consider the time difference, traveling to see me, keeping the relationship alive. I was NEVER going to compromise with someone like that.
Your stories are all so interesting! Thank you for sharing! Please keep them coming... it's so interesting to see how educated, motivated women these days balance career and personal relationships.
Career Chicks: Giving up relationships for career or vice verse?
