Like has already been said, a person posting that they feel like a beached whale is all about them, not about the person reading the post. That person could really be ashamed of themselves, and might truly not understand how other people aren't. They may be frustrated, they may be having a bad day, they may need to learn how to express themselves better, any number of things. They may be young, they may be terrified, they may be frustrated. But, bottom line is they are expressing something about themselves.

I have to be honest, your post tweaked me as much as the post that prompted it tweaked you. I participate on another board that is trying to start a maintainer's forum. I have been asked by people on the board to post about my experience. I often post about my weight going up and frustrations that I feel about that. Some days I feel terrible about myself, to the point of ED level frustration. I don't often express that either here or there because I've had people say to me on both boards 'what are you complaining about at your weight?' and 'I only wish I had that problem', etc. I feel like I obviously don't have the right to post since I'm not bigger than I am, and that makes me sad.

But, your post wasn't about me. It was about you and your response to something, and you are just sharing that so I'm not letting it bother me and I'm moving on. :)

And I agree with other posters as well - you are sexy and brave and all of those things. Don't let other people expressing their own anxiety make you feel less than you are.

The only way you can completely prevent others from feeling worse is by never speaking. Communication always carries a risk of hurting or offending others (unless you never discuss anything important).


You CAN express yourself any way you want and need to (within the website guidelines or your post could be removed or edited), but everyone else gets to do the same thing.


I think this thread has been quite sensitive on the topic. No one said "people don't have a right to say things that hurt me." They've just talked about what has hurt them. That's an important discussion, because one of the frequent contributors to weight gain is people-pleasing behavior. Always putting everyone else's needs before our own, to the point that eating is the only way we've gifted ourselves (a pretty ****ty gift).

I think as women we're often taught "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, and when in doubt keep your mouth shut."

We've assigned ourselves the task of making life easier for everyone but ourselves.

It's one thing to be a bit careful with your words, and it's another to feel you can't speak because it might hurt someone else.

You can't protect everyone - not even yourself. If you need to prevent hurting or offending absolutely anyone then you can't say or write anything important. If you need to prevent being hurt or offended, then you can't listen or read anything important.

I think (because it's so rare on the topic of weight loss), honesty even when it's ugly is important. It may be important for someone with 5 lbs to lose, to talk about how disgusting they feel, and even how disgusted they are by women who look like me.

I'm ok with that. I don't like it. It offends me, especially if there was a way to express the same feelings more diplomatically, but I'm a big girl and I can take it. I don't have to listen (read) it if I don't want to. I can walk away (here of course I mean, metaphorically) or I can choose to say "Hey Princess, you offend me, and here's why."

I expect people who post to be strong enough to handle disagreeing and even offensive topics and viewpoints. I have to expect it. Because if I thought most people couldn't handle it, there are a lot of things I couldn't have said here. That doesn't mean I don't expect and even value hearing from people I may offend or hurt. I think it's part of the dialogue that's very important.

I don't want to hurt any of you. I don't want to be hurt, but sometimes the risks to both are worth it in order to discuss painful but important topics.

One other point, I think is important is context. Who is saying what, where.

I don't visit the featherweight forum, because I know I'm going to hear a perspective I don't relate well to. In fact, I avoid it because I know I would be likely to think "that's a problem?"

It would be inappropriate for me to make a "you think you've got problems" post in the featherweight forum.


It would be inappropriate for someone who's never had more than 20 lbs to lose, to post an "I hate myself, fat people are disgusting" post in the 100 lb club or the 300+

It would be inappropriate to bash low-carb in the low-carb forums, or to bash calorie counting in the calorie counting forums.

It would be inappropriate to argue that a person MUST eat only organic produce and grass-fed meats in the shoestring meals forum (unless you've found some magic way to make those foods affordable to someone on a $100 a month food budget).


There's nothing wrong with talking about feelings - even ones that are offensive (not only to others, but to ourselves). Tact makes it a better conversations (and a longer one, because otherwise the mods may have to come in and shut it down), but I think it's better to overdiscuss than not (obviously because I do a lot of overdiscussing to judge by the length of my posts).


Seriously though, I do think that one of the serious contributors to weight problems is the secrecy. In the offline world, it sometimes seems like no one is willing to even talk about the subject of weight loss, let alone the deep and dirty thoughts that make it a prison of our own making. We're so afraid of hurting or offending others that we don't talk about it at all, and with obesity as with other social problems, you can't fix it very easily, if you can't talk about it.

Kaplods - your posts always speak to me, I wish I could be half as well spoken as you are. Your point about context is spot on.

Kaplods, this may very well be one of your BEST posts to date. RIGHT ON!!!! lol!:D

Thank you, Kaplods; your posts always seem to illuminate things. :)

Joyful, you made a really good point too--sometimes it is incumbent on the reader (e.g., me and my big stupid opinions :D) to see a post for what it is and choose to let it pass without taking offense. We can't control what others write or even how they put things. Heaven knows I've said some abrasive things on this board that I later wish I had put with more tact, so it's not very fair to expect others to maintain a uniformly tactful board demeanor.

I wish I could find better words now to express how much I didn't want to imply that people shouldn't talk freely. I just hope for a sense of context--as Kaplods said, there are a lot of forums here that would be inappropriate for certain posts even though there's nothing inappropriate about the feelings themselves. Again, I really want to stress that: the feelings are not inappropriate. This is a safe place to let stuff hang out and none of us would want it any other way.

This thread was largely motivated by people-pleasing behavior. I didn't want to post on another poster's thread criticizing her there or directly confronting her because that is HER space, so I created my own thread in which I could indirectly address the behavior without taking a swipe at the poster. I don't know that a "greater good" has come out of it or that it was a right thing to do, but it's definitely given me a lot of food for thought.

I want to thank everyone who agrees or disagrees so civilly here. This is an amazing community. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone and appreciate the thoughtful dissent. Looking at things from other perspectives can only broaden my views, and that's always a good thing. :)