I was looking through the thread under this same section of the forum about how people met the love of their life... and it took my mind elsewhere. I am happily married to my husband, but he is not "The One", if that makes any sense to anyone else. I met my soulmate a few months before meeting my current husband. We were never officially "together" because of geographical complications. The only reason my husband had a chance in **** was because this other man was so many miles away. I never even told The One I was dating someone until I was engaged(which happened just after a month of dating DH). When I finally told him, he confessed his undying love for me and told me not to get married. But then DH asked me to have a baby with him... and I was torn between waiting until I could be with my true love and my burning desire to start a family then and there. I chose the family, afterall, DH was(is) a good man.
I still find myself wondering "what if" many days. It is a horrible thing to live in the past, it can make the present quite unbearable. So I don't dwell anymore like I used to. For the most part I manage to go lengthy periods of time without thinking about him... and then I have a haunting dream about him that brings me back to square one (now is such the case, had a dream just the other night). The funny thing was that in the past I never even believed in soulmates, I thought the idea of there being one person for everyone was absolutely ridiculous, which was part of the reason that I chose the path that I did. I used to think you could make marriage work with anyone as long as you tried. Funny thing is that I was partially right. My marriage is great on paper: we're faithful, we do things together, we talk a lot about everything, good sex life and we're happy. But I always have that feeling inside like something is missing, and it churns my stomach because I know exactly what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.
So that's my story without too many of the details. I love to hear others... I'm sure I'm not the only one
wow that is so sad. but i can relate- sort of. There are two people from my past that I think about more often than I wish I did.
The first is a boy who was in and out of my life since we were children. We had on again off again relationships from middle school on. I moved away when I was 17 and I do sometimes think that if I had never moved away I would have married him. I dream about him sometimes and it is weird and makes me sad. I do think we would have made it, but I also don't think that would have been what was right for me, or that it would have been good for me.
The other one was someone I was absolutely completely in love with. He completely and utterly broke my heart and ruined me for all relationships, including my marriage in many ways. I still look back at that and wonder why i couldn't have been enough, what was so fundamentally unlovable about me that he couldn't love me back, what i could have done right. i don't trust anyone because of him, and i don't fully let myself be open to anyone because of him. and yet still i look back and think that i did something wrong.
those are the two i think about. i know that i would not have been happy with either of them on a long term basis though. i think the key is to focus on what you have and the present and future and try not to let the what if's get to you.
Wow.... OP, your post just left me speechless for some time. I can't imagine marrying someone I didn't feel was the one. It's contrary to everything I believe in.
That's probably why I've never been married.
Seriously.
Unfortunate events in my childhood combined with an adoration of epic fantasy (these two things are actually related) conspired to instill in me a deep desire to find that one person with whom I could make a life that would feel right and could not be torn asunder. As a result, despite the fact that I found that person 12+ years ago, it has taken me that long to admit to myself that I am in fact with the right person. I was that gun shy. And now? Now I'm 37 and hoping that we have both grown up enough to accept that we are perfect for each other and to move on, get married and have children before I no longer can.
It's a mixed bag. I'm profoundly happy that I'm a romantic to my bones and committed to being single or being perfectly matched—nothing in between. But, at the same time, my reticence to admit that my heart was no longer my own has meant I've put a lot of my life on hold for a very long time. Hopefully, it isn't too late for me to have at least a taste of the things that I always wanted. Hopefully, that fairytale life isn't The One That Got Away.
Last edited by Petite Powerhouse; 01-13-2011 at 07:04 PM.
What a heartbreaking story. It does happen though...probably more people have stories like these than would ever admit to it. Maybe not in terms of "The One" or "soulmates," as I don't believe everyone is predetermined to only be with one person. I call it "multiple soulmate theory" which is a completely bogus name.
A tough situation to be in is when you are with someone you love and care about, and then you meet someone else and fall for them and care about them, too. Not everyone operates this way but I am perfectly capable of having completely separate sets of feelings for different people. It's really hard having to choose one person over another when in fact no one person can fully fulfill every single one of your wants or needs.
That's one of the hardest things about relationships, I think. There are too many options.
Thanks for the post, Luckyme0510; it speaks to me particularly at this moment.
I think you are right on track with "I used to think you could make marriage work with anyone as long as you tried."..Given there is no abuse, etc., and both husband and wife are trying, I think that is true. It is a matter of commitment, shared goals and values, and effort..and mebbe, a little luck.
I have had my one true love, the love of my life, and I know how good it is..that said..I don't think there is only one..I think there are many who could have been, or could be "your soul mate".
This is easier said than done, but from a distance, it is easy for me to say:
Is the "the one" *really the one? Did the two of you spend enough time together to *know that? I would really, really think about that. Think about the experience of getting to know your husband. Did you spend that time with "the one"? From your post, I think perhaps not.
What would the reality of today be with "the one"? Could it replace the camaraderie, the shared goals, the quality time, the fact that you talk alot (HUGE) the "good sex" you have with a husband who fathered your children?
My point is, and it is so *easy for me to say from a distance, but, please, please think about this. Thinking about "the one" is escapism, a fantasy. It may or may not have been a better match for you, but for now, it is an non-starter. It is not your life, and dwelling on it is a fantasy which robs you of the present. From where many of us sit, your present is pretty darned good..and from what you have posted, you are smart enough to realize it and to make it even better.
Good luck, and again, thanks for the post. It spoke to me and gave me a reality check!
Maybe Right But Wrong Location. He was at a time where I was also seeing Maybe Right And More or Less Right Location. There were a few others I was dating and non-dating-dating at the time.
This was a period right after I broke up with "Used to be Right, but Turned Out Wrong" who was being tiresome about our break up. I cared for him, and there were no hard feelings, but there were some beliefs we didn't share and that would have made marriage ridiculous. (Ex: Religion, hopes for future, where to live, etc.).
The break up was so annoying and drawn out that I didn't want to be serious at ALL for the next two years and risk dealing with some other ugly break up scene. Ugh. Hence dating around, but no serious. Wrong Location and Right Location were my two favs of that period.
Wrong Location was easy to keep at arms distance because the geography did it for me. Thousands of miles away. So that made it easy to open up emotionally and mentally because there was no risk that he was going to try to make it be a serious relationship. You just cannot be serious that far apart!
Right Location Mostly was 90 min away, and it was nice having a weekend beau to escort me to functions, see movies, etc, but it was also nice he wasn't right there in my face either. But because he was so near, I was more guarded about allowing too much emotion or thoughts in to that one. He'd just broken up a serious thing too so the greatest thing about him was being on the same page -- both of us wanting just sweetness, light, fun without strings.
Eventually though, Wrong Location wanted serious relationship, offered to move to make it be so, and I wasn't ready! So I had to gently fade away so he could focus on someone local that would hopefully be a better match who was more on the page and chapter he was at. It wasn't me and it wouldn't have been honorable to keep him at the "sweetness and light page" when he wanted to turn the page and move on to the next chapter.
He was a great break up. Totally made up for Tiresome Break Up that had come before. He faded out of my life gently over the years -- calls, cards, congrats on my marriage to Mostly Right Location and later when we had our kid.
Early in my marriage I had what ifs too... because Wrong Location had been a class act. Wonderful man. Just... Wrong Location, and Wrong Page.
Which made me understand that there will be MANY Right Ones in life. They just aren't all going to come at the Right Time, and be on the Right Page.
Wrong Location and I closed a door. Sweetly, gently, but firmly.
Early in my marriage to Right Location (because eventually he and I were both ready to turn the page too and get into the serious chapter of the book...) I used to feel pangs for Wrong Location. We'd only been off by a few pages -- less than a year. I'd only been married a little bit.
So I think if you marriage is newish, I think it is natural to pang after a recent memory. But they fade. 20 years later, it's a fun memory of what could have been, but there's no more pangs or regrets for me over Wrong Location.
If it isn't a recent memory, you are not unhappy in your marriage... why are you daydreaming at a closed door? You do yourself nor DH any favors doing that, and you risk the marriage BECOMING unhappy because of inattention or lack of care. Focus!
If you are unhappy in your marriage, do the honorable thing. Break it of, set DH free, and allow him to find happiness with a truly present partner. And allow yourself to move on too.
Hahaha. So glad I'm divorced. Marriage is such a downer.
But yeah, there is one that got away. He is so beautiful. His eyes are clear blue like no blue I have ever seen and he is so well built and does all this karate nonsense.... but we were opposites. I went Army and he went Marines. I went Bioscience and he went Astronomy. I plan on rocking his world when he comes back from DC. Maybe do a stint with a commitment...who knows. But yeah. I'm a smart enough girl to know he was one man in a million and I KEPT IN TOUCH.
Allllllways keep in touch ladies. You never know what the future holds. (Or what I wish it would hold, lol!)
I definitely had "the One" in my lifetime, of my lifetime. We dated throughout high school and two years after high school - almost five years, and were very, very much in love, even though we were young. Devastatingly, he was killed in a horrific car accident. I still remember vividly the morning I got the phone call - as if it was yesterday. It was, without a doubt, one of the darkest periods of my life.
I love my husband, but I often think about John and the love we shared, which was once in a lifetime.
I don't know, I think if he was 'the one', you would've made it work. For me, I was pretty happy being single, wasn't interested in a long distance relationship and was pretty intent on not being married. Then my husband came along, lived 1600 miles away although he was a friend who had recently moved away. He wasn't a particularly close friend prior to moving but after he moved, we became close friends, then we started dating and within a couple months, I found myself moving to be with him. To complement our work locations, he moved too but much shorter distance So I found myself doing something I never imagined doing for someone.
Anyway, I think you can think of the 'what ifs' but what if the relationship was horrible? I mean you can think it would be fine and dandy but that doesn't mean it would have been.
I'm just going to share a couple thoughts I had while reading your post...maybe
it will help you think about things.
You said you and The One were never really together due to geographical
locations. If this means you were never really in the same location long
enough to date each other, I got to wonder how you know that he was The One.
Could it be, that you had a picture in your mind about how life would be with
The One....and you fell more in love with that, than the actual person?
The problem with making a decision is you have even though you're saying yes to one thing, you're saying no to another. So...yes...there was the possibility of life with The One. You're wondering what you missed out on...to some degree that's okay. But it sounds like you've decided that life with The One would have been better...and that you missed out on .....something.
But even though you thought he was a soul mate, and he had this undying love for you....neither of you took the bull by the horns until it was too late. A strong and healthy love doesn't usually work that way....people often become determined to find a way to make it work. Neither of you did that. Is it possible that there were other things in the relationship that were holding you back...a concern about him that you wanted to hide from yourself?
Also, maybe while a soulmate is a wonderful thing...it isn't a guarantee that the two mates should be married. (my personal belief is that a spouse is not supposed to be the end-all, be-all. We have needs that should be met from many people, not from only a spouse)
If the two of you had chosen differently and gotten married...maybe life would have been perfect. And maybe not. Had the two of you been closer together and established a complete dating relationship, who know what you might have learned about each other that would have changed things. Maybe your soul mate had a lack of relationship skills, or couldn't have children, or
would have quit his job to be a rock star, or....etc.
You'll never know.
Maybe living in the past is affecting your happiness level in your current life.
Or, maybe something in your current life makes you romanticize about the "past that could have been".
Maybe it's time to take a new look at your blessings. Or maybe, like many of us when there's is something unsettled in our life, we look outside ourselves for the problem. Only, sometimes it's more internal.
Just some thoughts.
I do hope you find a way to resolve the feelings you're having, and wish you a very happy future.
The One That Got Away
. But then DH asked me to have a baby with him... and I was torn between waiting until I could be with my true love and my burning desire to start a family then and there. I chose the family, afterall, DH was(is) a good man.
