Hi all,

I have been reading in some of the posts where people are discussing how their Drs should've told them to lose weight. Well, this might be true... sometimes you have to be told about it. But I come from a situation where everyone kept telling me to lose weight. Countless family members would openly point this out during family gatherings and such and i hated it. I still hate it.

I have realized that no matter what amount of weight i lose i can no longer look past the "fat person" in my mirror and it is causing other issues. My selfesteem has certainly taken a hit and the whole process has just frustrated and discouraged me even more.

I do think that a private discussion wouldnt have been too bad, but having had this discussion with people around has caused a lot of damage. Even more so as i tend to eat more when im down and stressed.

I think it's way different when a doctor talks to you about managing your weight b/c they are your partner in managing your health. It's a personal matter they are privy to talk to you about, just like any other health condition. Your family, not so much. If you want to talk about it, fine but to "point it out" is not constructive(and it's rude to put you on the spot by pointing out your percieved flaws) unless they are some sort of personal trainer or health/fitness expert and these conversations were in private. That would be aggravating but for some reason people (especially family) don't use their mouth filters very well.

I feel you. My parents were the WORST offenders. The doctors, I expect them to be on my butt about it, but I dunno, somehow it really sucks when it comes from your parents. Here are my two most favorite quotes from my mother

"your face is so beautiful, too bad you need to lose some of the weight"

"your dad and I have talked about it, and we both agree, you would be prettier than your sister if you were not so heavy"

But my MOST favorite mom issue off all time was waking up on my 13th birthday to her "present" a full size garfield poster, hanging right where it would be the FIRST thing I would see, with Garfield saying "I am not overweight, I am undertall". Now I should mention that at that time in my life, I was in a girls size 14-16. So a few pounds to lose I am sure, but not by FAR the amount that she implied. Ugh.

Anyway, learn your triggers. And do something to work through them. Best advice I have ever received from someone. Hang in there, you will get there. We will all get there.

Oh my gosh, that's just cruel and very very insensitive.

Just wait, she'll be asking if you're eating and start implying you have an eating disorder when you get to goal weight. She'll find some way to get around expressing approval b/c she just can't muster it. That's really about her and her own issues, not you.

The worst part was when i went to visit my dad with my fiance and they stood there made him admit i needed to lose weight. They would not let it go until he said it and that was the worse feeling in the world.

Drive back with my fiance from canada after that conversation with my family is something i will never forget. It was the first day i doubted our relationship and the begining of not being able to see anything but an imperfect person in the mirror.

It has taken a lot of the excitement out of this wonderful event in my life. I love him to pieces, but i was much happier before.

That is completely unacceptable and inappropriate. For one thing, it's absolutely none of their business. Second, that's a huge intrusion on your relationship- they have no right. I'm so sorry.

The real issue here isn't your weight. Seems like you have really critical parents who love to fire on your weaknesses and a fiance who folds under pressure. I am not sure if he just wanted to appease them or what but he would have done better by you to tell them where to go IMO. Can I ask why their opinions mean so much when they apparently aren't nurturing to you at all? It's ok to not let dysfunctional relationships warp your brain. Sometimes, we have to protect ourselves from toxic people and make ourselves indifferent to their opinions. Consider it part of your recovery.

Oh yeah totally. I know. It is absolutely her issue. We all are "colored" by our own experiences. At the time my mom was at her worse, she was I believe dealing with her own eating disorder. She was 5'8 and did not weigh more than 100lbs. So it really is about her. Her comments to me, and the way I was brought up absolutely have bearing on how I have raised my kids. I was SO hypersensitive to giving them their own weight and self image issues, that I went the other way, and now because of it, two of the kids have weight issues (that we are working on currently) and my eldest daughter has no weight issue but a blood sugar issue and an addiction to junk food (although that may be because she is a 19 year old college student LOL)

We all have our filters and glasses that allow us to see the world differently. My mom from this small smidgen of her life, sounds like a horrible mom, and in some ways she absolutely was. But, she meant well. She was just projecting her own filters on to me. Once I was able to let that go, I was also able to get my head around a life change that we needed.

Could not have said it better. Toxic people and recovery. That is what we all have experienced with. Sometimes unfortunately, the most toxic people are the ones that are supposed to love, protect and nurture us. Sometimes as hard as it is, we have to walk away for our own self preservation.

See thats the thing. I find it very difficult to blame them because they have my best interst at heart. But it is very thought to handle and wish that it had been said in better circumstances and while we were alone.

I know that the only reason they point out these things is because they care... =(...

You should talk to them about it. Explain that you obviously understand their concern, and you have concerns yourself but you would appreciate if they either keep their concerns to themselves, or talk to you in private.

I'm sorry, but forcing your finance to say you have a weight problem in front of you is just cruel. I don't see how that can be construed as a caring act in any way. It's none of their business and a complete affront to your relationship. If it were me I would tell them on no uncertain terms to stop talking about your weight or appearance AT ALL. It is your body, your life, and your responsibility and it is unacceptable for them to constantly bring it up. There is a HUGE difference between telling a loved one in private that you are concerned about the health consequences of being overweight and humiliating a person. You have a right to stand up for yourself, even if the people hurting you are supposedly doing it out of love.

Please remember, weight isn't what defines you as a person. It's very hard to believe that sometimes, I know, but you are special just for being you no matter what issues your body has right now.